I printed off the posts and showed them to him and he did read them. His opinion has not changed. His thinking is along the line of Aphrodite. He said she summed up everything he was thinking. Bottom line he thinks if she stays married to a man she does not love like a husband she will be cheating herself out of a more fulfilling life she can have with her OM. He also says he is going to welcome OM into the family.

CM, this is where I would have to take a stand in my marriage...I could not sacrifice my own core values at the altar of marriage...I would seriously question my husband on this front...It would strike fear in my heart that he felt that way...I would question his fidelity in fact...Sadly, I would lose respect for him...

Ugh...This makes me sick for you and your DD...I do not think that your husband's actions are at all loving-I also KNOW that when your DD wakes up and realizes what a mistake that she is making, she will hold it against him that he didn't care enough to call bullsh*t and stand up for what is right...

I would love for him to post here about it...Perhaps if he engaged here he could be shown the error in his thinking...

I hope that you will continue to go to bat for what you believe, you are RIGHT...

Mrs. W

Mrs. W said: You don't get a "do over", this isn't elementary school...

Okay, so when Bratney Spears decided to marry her friend as a joke and got divorced 24 hours later the divorce was the wrong decision and not the marriage? At some point you have to admit that getting married was a stupid idea and that neither party should be punished the rest of their lives for a lack of judgement.

I don't know anything about your daughter and her husband and her ex, BUT if she had a long history with the ex, then became infatuated with a new guy and married him before she really got to know him - then she is really cheating on the ex with her husband, not the other way around. This isn't about who she is "in love" with - because you can fall in love with anyone. I understand that.

But who does she have that rich history of caring and companionate love (not passion) with? In most affairs, the answer is the husband but with this one, the answer is unclear.

Seriously Aphrodite, start your own thread...You are making a fool of yourself...You've got a lot to learn about marriage...I do understand, I had a lot to learn too...I'm still learning in fact...But I wouldn't advise anyone to take lessons from Britney Spears...<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

And NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...CM's DD is NOT cheating on her OM with her HUSBAND...That is some majorly twisted logic!!!

Mrs. W

Here is what I would do. Do everything in your power to interfere in their relationship. Call up OM and tell him to stay the h*ll away from your daughter. Call OM's parents and tell them to tell their child to stay the h*ll away from your daughter. Tell your daughter that she and OM are not welcome in your house. If you husband interferes tell him to get the h*ll out of the house. Persuade him to join you in your crusade. There are ways to get him to go along with you. I'm sure he wouldn't like to go abstinent because his DD is having an affair. Tell all family and friends that don't know. Make it h*ll for your DD and OM to be together. Continue to put pressure on the A. You just need to get them broken up and NC, and then your DD will go back to her H. Don't support your DD financially. The ONLY thing that needs to happen is your will to break them up needs to be stronger than their will to be together. I wish you luck. You are doing God's work if you take a stand.

The answer is irrelevant.

Jim are you nutz? How does destroying her marriage help her daughter because that is the result of what you are advocating.

She should by all means destroy the affair but she doesn't have to destroy her own marriage or have her husbands backing to do that.

Do you use these control tactics with your wife Jim?

my husband's affair goes against everything that his family has ever beleived in

and yet they have choosen to support "whatever makes him happy"

regardless of the fact that "what makes him happy" is a woman he met on a sex site, who left her husband and 4 children to live with my husband

regardless of the fact that my husband has lost everything he ever had and is now living in a HUD house

regarless of the fact that OWH beat the [censored] of of my husband and his new truck with a baseball bat

regardless of the fact that i was a loyal and faithful wife who converted to catholic because it was important to "the family".....who fought hard to be accepted because my parents were divorced and "his family didn't beleive in divorce"..... who wanted nothing more than to save my marraige

so they have supported his destroying every value he ever had all for the sake of "happiness"

i believe 100% that if they hadn't accepted his behavior OR the ow, he would be home with me today

ridiculous....and Jim... you really need to get laid since you seem to think that abstinace can get a man to do anything! Silly.

CM4,

Thank you for being here, strong and true. I think you're an awesome mother. Please listen to these posters as what you do now sets the tone for the future, as well.

Infidelity continues...it's a mindset, a fog.

My MIL's choice to stay out of it because we were adults (reminded me of your H), damaged my DH's relationship with her further. He has to make himself have a relationship with her at all...calls once a year now. Felt like she didn't care enough, even though he was in the fog, to fight for his family.

And no, I don't really speak to her, either. And we don't send her youngest grandson out to see her or FIL, either.

Sure glad her son saved his marriage, though.



Consequences keep going...and can be surprising. You're doing the right thing and bringing reality to your kids. They all have the belief that people are replaceable...that we can marry the wrong person...when we know that it's not being married to the right person, it's being the right partner.

They all have that power and choice. Encourage and support them in their own growth, so they can see, we are all equal, not bad or wrong...and that we can fall in love again and again with our own spouses, just as did at the beginning.

Thank you for who you are, CM4. Stay tough and true, 'k?

LA

I wanted to update about what is going on with my daughter. Since I last posted she has filed for a divorce. She has refused all attempts by her husband to reconcile.

One of the main reasons her and her OM broke up is because after college he moved to the east coast and she stayed on the west coast. They were on and off for a very long time but broke up for about 3 years before she took up with him again when he moved back to the area for a year because of business.

So now her OM will be moving back to NY later this fall and my daughter plans to move back with him. She is already studying to pass the NY bar exam so she can practice law over there. She says they are going to get married and have children and buy a house. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I don't hold out any more hope for her marriage. She has made up her mind.

Tell OM he is a POS for his part in the destruction of your daughters' family, and he will never be welcome in your family. Tell him that if he really cared about your daughter and not just himself, he would leave her alone to work out her problems with her husband, so your grandchildren wouldn't suffer. Follow through. Just because you try and do the right thing and it doesn't immediately work, doesn't mean that you should quit trying to do the right thing. Your wayward daughter is counting on you giving in and eventually welcoming POS OM into your family and being okay with the destruction she has caused to the lives of your grandchildren. Let her know that won't be the case (by your stern warning to OM). If doing the right thing were easy, everyone would do it.

Also, if you DD is h*llbent on getting divorced, call her out on what she is doing to her husband. Tell her she doesn't deserve alimony and that her BH should get custody and child support. She should leave most of the marital property with him if she is the one leaving. At least she still leaves, she doesn't completely screw up her BH's life. There is nothing more unfair than a BH losing custody of his children, paying child support and alimony, and losing half of his property because his WW chose to have an affair.

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. It must be terrible. All I know is that if this were my daughter, I would tell her that she is dead to me as long as she chooses this path.

Jim,

They have no children thank goodness. As I said before I am not going to disown her or throw my H out for his views of our daughters marriage. I did tell her she better not try to bring OM to my house. I would view it as a personal insult. So far she has not tried. This whole thing makes me so sad. I just don't know how my children can take marriage so lightly.

Jim,

They have no children thank goodness. As I said before I am not going to disown her or throw my H out for his views of our daughters marriage. I did tell her she better not try to bring OM to my house. I would view it as a personal insult. So far she has not tried. This whole thing makes me so sad. I just don't know how my children can take marriage so lightly.

One bright spot in all this if you can call it that is that her H will not take a fiancial hit in the divorce. My daughter makes more than he does so no way she can get alimony. Because of a prenup he cannot get it out of her but she is letting him keep pretty much everything aquired jointly in the marriage as she should.

Does the pre-nup have provisions for adultery? If so, he should suck EVERY single dime out of her that he can.

I'm sorry, but this won't be the only failed M your DD will have. I can guarantee that her relationship with OM will fizzle out once her H is out of the picture. Hopefully, she won't have any children with OM because that relationship is DOOMED for failure.