Its only a rollercoaster if you let it be one! Stay strong!

I wish others would chime in agian, but I do think you are doing the right thing. Why do YOU want to FINANCE his affair? By giving him money that's exactly what you are doing. So stop feeling guilty about it! (hey, can you tell I can be bossy?)
Try not to think of his anger as sending him into her arms. Let your actions show him that you will not be trifled with or used. You are his wife, not an atm. He is a married man sullying himself with his behavior and you aren't going to be a party to it.
Do not cave! Your WS will indeed make threats, make you out to be a horrible person, say vile, mean things. We all know the truth, though, don't we? This man is nothing special and will react in the same way thousands of other WS's have when their tidy little fantasy is rocked.

Put it this way-- can you indeed live any longer the way you have been? Because it seems he surely would like you to. Its time you do something to shake that up and either get yourself out of a situation he has been happy to keep you in or realize you deserve a husband who respects you.
This man does not respect you.
Sorry if Im unavailable a bit this evening, toddler is keeping me pretty busy. You can do this! You can!

Thanks!You are right of course. The fact that he called means he's not angry anymore, and his final words were "I hope you are doing OK." I'm going to stay strong, I have a whole bottle of Disaronno if it gets too bad. Take care of baby, I should be OK for the evening. Thanks again.

3-days since I went back dark. During the time he was leaving me VM, I saved them. He left me another one last night on my home phone and I saved that on too. I've been listening to them just so I can hear his voice. I miss him so very much. I have a lot of love to give, why do I want to give it to someone who doesn't seem to want it? Why can't I just tell him to pack sand. At work I am strong and I don't take crap from anyone. I am going home on Thursday and will be there for 11 days. I was going to start going through my personal items and get rid of the things I will no longer want to keep but I decided that would be admitting defeat and as long as he doesn't mention D there is still hope. I'm really not ready to give up yet.

My WH has never mentioned divorce, although he has tried to go the legal separation route. When I refused to comply, he told me that I was right about working this stuff out on our own.

He was concerned at first about what we should do with our belongings. He wanted x number of items (I learned this in the letter his lawyer sent)and I told him they were safe and that I am taking care of them. Then, he backtracked saying he does not care about any of our "stuff" and that he doesn't want any of it.

Okay then.

My last telephone conversation with him was about the new place I found. Asked him if he wanted to take a look at it, and he told me that it was up to me where I choose. Then, he seemed concerned that all of OUR belongings fit in it (and when I said they all did... not to worry) he said, "okay good."

He has been back and forth this whole time. From the day he told me that he thought things were over, to the d-day (four days later) when I called him (already knowing about OW) and asked him if he was going to be able to get us that new computer. The answer was, "Yep, and it's only gonna cost us such and such amount"

I know what it is like to want to hear his voice. I left our answering machine message as our old one (which also is a different phone number then my new one) just because it is the only thing I have of his voice. Since this NC, I have only listened to it once however.

Do not cave on the money issue again. Let the OW support his ***. My WH has a tendency to let money float right out when he has it (I was the one keeping us grounded) so, it sucks to be him living at his parents without a cent to his name. Do you know how many times I have heard form him that he does not have the money to put gas in the truck? I am paying rent, bills, phone, cable, insurance, gas etc. and make the same or less then he does.

You can be strong. You are doing this to save your marriage. There is hope as long as you are wanting there to be. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Would it be wrong if my sister send the OW an email? Nothing bad, just some questions.

No idea. I do know that my sister requested that OW be her friend on Facebook, and apparently OW did not like that.

Resulted in WH telling ME that OW would file charges for harassment. I thought that to be somewhat funny. I didn't know it was against the law to be someone's friend. lol

I wish I could contact OW and ask her to please respect us, but I do not think this can nor will happen. Especially after the look I received when I showed up on her doorstep.

Well I think she is going to send one anyway. She's 2 years younger and a heck of a lot stronger.

My husband is a spender also. We used to laugh because he was always able to shop me under the table. Since he retired from the military, I'm actually making more money but he makes plenty and still can't make ends meet. When he retired the only thing he had to do was put money into savings once a month and I would pay all the bills. His retirement pays the mortgage and home insurance, so all he had was car insurance (6 cars), utilities, and his own personal expenses. I even paid for costs incurred for my animals. I looked at our savings account in KY and found it to be extremely minimal. On the other hand, I have been able to save quite a bit in our account in FL and I have an account in my daughter's name in GA (which he will never have access to). I took a part=time job so he would have money anytime he needed; all this while he was cheating on me. I gotta laugh at my stupidity - I won't be stupid like that anymore and if given the chance, I won't let his material needs become more important than his ENs again. He was a wonderful husband before he chose the detour he now walks. I hope to finds direction home soon.

HELP!! The phone calls have started again. He is on his way home from NY and he has been calling. His last VM said he wanted to ask a question. He is going to get angry and I know he will get over it (or at least I hope so). I'm not feeling very strong right now.

He left me a voicemail last night "KISS MY A$$". He left me another voicemail tonight "I'm just tired". He is going to go thru the roof when the OW gets the email from my sister, but I guess it will really be over when I deliver my letter to her mother. I don't know if I'm strong enough for all this. Maybe I shouldn't deliver the letter since my sister sent the email. I'm just terrified.

Send the letter. I wish I knew where to look for OW's parents.

I am thinking I might send a note to every person with that last name in town. lol

If you give me the city/state, their last name, and her first name I might be able to find something. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I am in Canada. I'll send you a message. or not lol Cannot message you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I fixed it, try now.

I emailed you. The pm thingy wasn't working still.

Best I could get was her phone number.

Yeah, I had that. Would be funny to see if my WH answered it though. lol

Hey, TWBD,

I am really, REALLY trying to hang in there...but your story still isn't making a lot of sense to me. Soooo, you are military stationed in DC. He is retired military living in your joint marital home in KY. Kids are grown and outta the house. He's been involved with OW for 3 YEARS!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> You've exposed to your fam and his fam...and now you're going to expose to OW's fam.

BUT...you are gone 3 weeks of the month during which time he is free to dilly-dally with OW all he wants. When you do come home for a week, you currently have in place that he has to leave the marital home and he usually stays with OW--which drives him NUTZ cuz she has one kid with ADHD that is boinging off the wall. But other than that, during the rest of the month, he can be with her all he wants and if he gets sick of her, all he has to do is return to the marital home..where he has his cake and can eat it too. Really, all-in-all, he has had absolutely NO consequences for his choice to have a mistress!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

I'm going to assume that all that I have written up there, in summary, is true.

If that is the case, I'll be blunt. If Plan A is a carrot and a stick--meaning that the carrot part is becoming the best woman and person you can become, eliminating LB's and meeting whatever EN's you can...and the stick part is allowing him to experience the pain of his A via exposure and giving him some consequences--well, chick, it seems to me your hands are fairly TIED. I mean Plan A would normally be a time of "TWBD=good, happy/ OW=bad, pain" and I don't see him seeing YOU as good or having to suffer any pain for being with her!!

Sooooo...he gets peeved off and tells you to never contact him again, and you determine in your heart to do just that. But just so you know, TWBD, avoiding him does not equal Plan B. Plan B starts with the last love letter to your spouse. See my signature line about Sample Plan B! It is very important to give this letter to your WH because it gives him the "roadmap" to returning to the marriage and reconciling. Next, he has to actually taste what it's going to cost him to lose you: loss of financial support, loss of friendship, loss of control. That's why people suggest that the BS PREPARE for Plan B, because for example, you will probably need to change your personal email address...make a checking account...and put a few legal things in order (like changing names on certain bills, etc.). After that, you hand him your letter, change the locks on your marital house while you're there, and move your direct deposit to your account. You change your cell phone number that last weekend. You put him on "ignore" on any work email accounts that you CAN'T change. And in effect, you give him the CHANCE to experience what it is going to cost him to lose you.

Now...at first he will probably be FURIOUS!!!!! Do not be afraid of that or back down. That is just WS fury at not being able to have their cake and eat it too. You took away his CAKE!!!!! (insert temper tantrum here) It sounds like he's a controller, so he will probably try for about TWO WEEKS to do every trick in the book to get you back under his thumb and back under his control...and TWBD, you are going to have to be WISE and STRONG and calmly resist his attempts to regain control. Allow him to experience the PAIN of what it is going to cost him if he does not have a smart, funny, pretty, wonderful woman in his life like you!!!

Is any of this making sense to you? Your case actually IS a little different than most because you are stationed away from your WH--so it's harder to implement your Plan A and harder to enforce Plan B. But I believe you are a strong, smart woman TWBD...and I believe if you show him that you respect yourself TOO MUCH to just be treated like this and take this lying down, that he will respect you a whole lot more too.

Let me know ...



--CJ

Sample Plan B Letter

Most all of this has been accomplished. You are right, except for the time I am home he has his freedom. However, since I have cut off the funds, he is starting to feel the pinch. As far as him spending time with the OW and kids, I know my husband, he has NO PATIENCE (yes he is a control freak). Early in our marriage I had brought up the subject of adopting a boy because I thought he might want a son. He told me he was done raising kids and was looking forward to just being grandpa. Now all of a sudden this woman represents the family he has always wanted. The youngest has red hair like my husband and they adore each other. I am hoping that by being forced to stay with them he will realize that his fantasy family isn't everything he thinks it is. I don't have a lot of options when it comes to forcing him to face the consequences. Now he has bills coming up and won't have the funds to pay all of them. When the money is tight his anxiety level increases and he loses his temper. This is a side of him she has never seen so maybe both will get a whiff of real life.
In the meantime I am preparing for life without him. I'm using my head to prepare for the worst. I have a lawyer but we haven't started anything yet. I've been collecting the documents I need regarding our assets and so on. Even doing all this, my heart is still hopeful. I have been very good about not answering his calls. Although today he has been calling hourly. Maybe my sister sent the email to the OW. He hasn't left any messages and if he were really mad he would. I just keep letting it ring. So I am preparing for the worst and praying for the best. Time will tell.

You are right, it is different for me. He knows I love him, he knows how committed I am to our marriage, he has acknowledged (in a positive way) the changes I have made, and he is still unsure about divorce. That was the best I could do for my Plan A. Now he is finding out that I am not going to allow him to use me anymore. NO MORE DOORMAT! I wrote him my final love letter letting him know what it will take if he should want to start a new relationship. It is all up to him now. I will be sad when the phone calls stop. At the same time, I am not looking forward to when he becomes furious.

He started calling me at about 8:30 this morning, first evry 15 minutes, then hourly. He wouldn't leave a VM until later in the day. Call me Please; then Call me NOW!; I need to talk to you; If you aren't going to talk to me then fine!; and the last one You can consider us DONE!; nothing since then. I just can't imagine anything he would need to talk to me about. He definitely knows he has lost control <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

LOL!
I love the "You can consider us DONE" part. Hasn't he pretty much been telling you that by his actions anyway? What silly waywards!

Stay true to your path TWBD. I'd start making sure all your finances are in order and protected. He may strike back that way.

Wish you lived in Hopkinsville. I'd come see you.