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Joined: May 2006
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"rltraveled,

Not thanks TO the OW...thanks FOR the OW.

And BTW, I realize this is a tall order, but the verse does not say, "In all the easy things that don't hurt and that you're actually thankful for, give thanks..." it says "In EVERY THING give thanks for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you." And yep, I actually did throw up at the time when I was praying to give thanks for the OW, because I was SO mad and SO hurt and just HATED her! She stole my H and did not care in the least that he had children!

But rltraveled, in case you haven't noticed, MB is counter-intuitive to what a "normal" BS response would be...and being a believer is even more counter-intuitive than that! We are supposed to love our enemies and pray for them. We are supposed to repay evil with good. So I prayhed for the OW and thanked God that He had allowed her to come into our lives at that time in order to teach me a lesson. Now, He may have wanted to teach WH something too, but I had to worry about me--and God had to worry about WH! Anyway, because of OW I learned to never take a marriage for granted--NEVER. Because of OW, I learned to obey God again. Because of OW, I learned that love is deciding to treat someone in a loving way--not a "feeling" that feels all warm and smooshy and comes over you. Because of OW, I learned that even the unlovely people are valuable and loved by God. Because of OW, I learned that pain can be good and not to avoid things that hurt because they can make me grow. Because of OW, I learned to "trust in the Lord with all my heart and not lean on my own understanding."

See? I learned a lot of valuable, priceless stuff because she came into our lives at that time. And it hurt me A LOT...and I threw up the first time I said I was thankful (even though my heart wasn't quite there yet)...but being obedient means OBEYING even when it makes no sense and you don't want to.

((rltraveled))

Your faithful friend,


CJ"

Didn't want to TJ on howmuch.

In a way, I understand what you're saying. But sometimes, no, often, I think that God didn't bring OW into our marriage ... Satan did. Why would God do such a horrible, destructive thing. I've mentioned before, how, during his whole A, I saw nothing but darkness in FWH's eyes, dark shadows followed him everywhere he went. I'm not kidding.

And ... on a different website, someone called me a "Christian Doormat" for taking him back. Wow, that put me in a funk mood.

I really am feeling a struggle within me right now --- on the one side God wants me to just let this damned thing GO, and get on with it. On the other hand, I just want to be let alone, by everyone. Never, ever trust, never give, extend, hope. A voice keeps telling me, you do it, you'll get burned, RLT. It's happened your whole life. Now, is nothing different.

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Hi RLT.

Thanks for your support this week!

What a lousy day of weather Tuesday was to go to court at the Taj!

I wish I could offer support on this specific thread but I am probably not the guy.

Thanks again! We will get the Rocky Mountain MB Black Tie and Awards Dinner together someday!

PS!! How did I forget? CJ, Thank you so much for everything you have given to me! You are a special gem!

Last edited by chrisner; 04/25/07 11:09 PM.

Testosterone boys! Testosterone! It ain’t just for nose, ear and back hair anymore!
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Hey, fellow Rockie Mountain gal!

I'm sorry I didn't respond earlier--I didn't see this thread. Was it hiding somewhere? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

You wrote:
Quote
In a way, I understand what you're saying. But sometimes, no, often, I think that God didn't bring OW into our marriage ... Satan did. Why would God do such a horrible, destructive thing. I've mentioned before, how, during his whole A, I saw nothing but darkness in FWH's eyes, dark shadows followed him everywhere he went. I'm not kidding.

I have no doubt that Satan was alive and working in your FWH when he was in the midst of his addiction to the OW. In fact, I suspect that at that time, Satan was thrilled to think that he was "winning" your FWH. But RLT, as you know, the Bible says, "And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." --Rom.8:28. We (believers) have victory in Christ because under God's providence, all things, even our pain, suffering, sorrows, trials and persecutions, work together for blessing. God allowed your FWH to follow his sinful nature because He gave us free will--but also because in His providence, He knew that the pain that you would experience would work to HIS purpose in your life...and if your FWH is a believer, even in his life too. Was it God's ideal? Not just no, but a resounding NO!! His ideal is for FWH to be the federal head of his household and love the wife of his youth, and for you to lovingly submit to your own husband and respect him. But He did allow it for your growth.

Quote
And ... on a different website, someone called me a "Christian Doormat" for taking him back. Wow, that put me in a funk mood.


RLT, you are an intelligent person. I have complete confidence in you and in your discernment. You are a believer. We are not called to divorce, because God hates divorce. As believers, we are not only called to do some counter-intuitive things (like Plan A) but to do things that most of the world would find completely BAFFLING! Love our enemies?? That's crazy!!! Return good for evil? Who would do that??? Turn the other cheek? Forgive those who have hurt us--seventy times seven times!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> That stuff is incomprehensible to most of the world because the spirit of God is not within them. But the Holy Spirit is within you and the Holy Spirit empowers you and is sanctifying you to live a life that is pleasing to God and probably puzzling to most normal folks in the world.

Sooooo...when someone says that you are being a "Christian doormat" I would say that, especially if your FWH is truly repentant, that it's sort of a compliment. After all, living a godly life is "weird" to those who are not believers, and obviously they can see that you are ACTING in a way that is not "normal." In this world it would be "normal" to kick him to the curb and then take him for all he's worth in court--but instead you have demonstrated through your actions that you can forgive just as God forgave you!

Finally,
Quote
I really am feeling a struggle within me right now --- on the one side God wants me to just let this damned thing GO, and get on with it. On the other hand, I just want to be let alone, by everyone. Never, ever trust, never give, extend, hope. A voice keeps telling me, you do it, you'll get burned, RLT. It's happened your whole life. Now, is nothing different.


This one really got to me, RLT, because I know EGG ZACK LEE what you mean. On one hand, you want to just move PAST this and let it go...but you can't. OTOH, you want to chuck reconciliation and all the work and just protect yourself and never, EVER trust again. You know, in Proverbs 4:23 we are told, "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." RLT, God does not expect you to just constantly keep your heart vulnerable and unprotected to just be hurt by anyone and everyone. YOUR heart is valuable RLT...YOURS. You may not know it now, but your heart is a flowing spring of life and love for those you know and touch: your children, your family, your husband, and even people here on MB! Your heart is far too valuable to just leave it unguarded and always open to being hurt over and over and over. So God commands us to always GUARD our hearts! That goes for you too girl. You are to be wise with your heart and give trust where trust is EARNED...give trust to the trustworthy. Do you trust me? Sure of course you do...because I have acted in a way that is worthy of trust. I haven't lied to you or deceived or betrayed you. I have been open and honest. And when something is the truth, even if it hurts you a little bit, I still tell you to your face, huh? Yeah. GIVE TRUST TO THOSE WHO EARN IT. When words and actions match...trust. When words and actions don't match...when trust is not earned...it is REASONABLE to guard your heart. In fact, God tells you to do so because YOU and YOUR HEART are valuable.

Your true and faithful friend,


CJ

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CJ--thank you. I know this stuff, I just need reinforcement with it.

Before and during all this "affair crap" came along, my husband was not a believer. I believed in the existence of God, but more like the Oprah kind, you know? God is here, there, everywhere. God is Love. All that stuff.

But I wouldn't have called myself a Christian. I, like so many others, believed Jesus was a good guy and all that, but, Son of God? I just wasn't sure, and never really looked into it that much.

Then ... my husband's best friend, who lives in Florida, started talking to him about the Gospels. When I was alone for three months (husband was either in Florida with OW or living in his apartment), I turned to the Bible. Read it in the mornings out on the patio.

Long story short...my husband has turned around 180 degrees. He is now a believer. "Saved?" Not sure. Not sure what that really means. FH asks me now and again. As for me, I would say that I'm walking fast in that direction. I do love the church we go to, and the bible study yesterday was really awesome. I never, ever read the bible beyond its face value. And when you dig deep, it is more than amazing.

Well, I'm off the subject, aren't I?

I have, of late, been struggling with this one:

GIVE TRUST TO THOSE WHO EARN IT. When words and actions match...trust. When words and actions don't match...when trust is not earned...it is REASONABLE to guard your heart. In fact, God tells you to do so because YOU and YOUR HEART are valuable.

I often find my mind crowded with just horrible memories, little mini realizations ... lots of triggers. So husband's way of dealing with them, is to not deal with them. He likes to pretend everything is okay. So I pretend with him because he doesn't want to talk about it. He would say, I ask you everyday how you are doing, and I mean it. Well, when someone says, How ya dooin? What are you supposed to say. I'm doin really crappy today, thanks. And it's all because you were just a jerk!! Meantime, the poor guy is trying, doing everything he can to make things better. Buys flowers and plants them in my planter. Surprises me. Wow, that's nice. That's great. Really. And yet, things just come up and bite me ALL THE TIME. It seems like we can't talk about ANYTHING, and I get bit, somehow. And then it takes me down. And he don't wanna go down with me, so he pretends. Everything okay? Sure. Everything's great. You F---CKED another woman, dragged her down to our most favorite place on the earth, took her to meet mom and dad, had an apt ready for the two of you when you got back ... But yeah, other than that, everything's just GREAT!!!

So it's been a week of this now. Back and forth mood on my part. Husband has apparently decided he's tired of it. He's put me on ignore. Like, deal with it yourself, lady. I'm done trying to make you feel better.

And he wants me to trust him with my heart?


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