There is a large, gleaming, midnight blue Cadillac convertible coming down a two-lane highway. Its driver sees a large person ahead, in the middle of the lane, waving the car to stop.

The driver stops and the large person comes up along side the driver’s door and says loudly, “Quick, get out of the car!”

And the driver exits the car.

The larger person walks to the shoulder of the highway and draws a circle on the pavement with a piece of white chalk, then says, “Get over here and stand in this circle.”

And the driver does.

“If you step out of this circle, I am gonna beat your head in, you hear me?”

The driver nods.

The other person then reaches into the grass and pulls out a bat, shaking it at the driver, standing still within the circle, and proceeds to bash in the Cadillac’s hood.

The driver laughs.

The basher then pounds out the headlights and shatters the grill.

The driver laughs.

Furious, the basher busts out the windshield, slams the bat again and again down one side of the car and then the other.

The driver laughs.

The big basher turns on the driver and yells, “I’m destroying your car! What are you laughing about?”

And the driver says…”While you were busy destroying my car, I stepped out of the circle three times.”

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

People have different priorities.

Part of being human, we get to choose. Often, what we may believe we hold dearest to our hearts, we don’t. Unless we act from our priorities, they don’t stay in order.

People can choose to make their emotions be their highest priority. I know they are capable of this because I did.

If I am making my choices to change or manage my emotions, then I'm going to react when I feel fear, pain, anger, frustration, powerlessness, etc. For me, that was choosing fight or flight...either fighting my emotions or fleeing from them. Either way, what I felt determined my choices, not really me aware I was in control and choosing.

And this extends to how I treated myself and others, as well, in conflict.

This is a really old joke and I don’t know who wrote it or told it first. My father told me this when I was five years old or so. He was a salesman and told us jokes at the dinner table when he was home.

From my five-year-old perspective, I thought this was a warning to not laugh at bullies. This joke kind of terrified me. These were adults my father was describing.

I changed the joke regarding ethnicity and made it genderless. I have a reason. At the time, the joke portrayed what I believe society considered stupid people…the driver. The basher was not called a basher in the original; he was a different ethnicity than the driver. I’m not sharing it to be funny…I’m sharing something I’ve been considering may symbolize to me what we do on this planet.

I see it this way:

The driver acted passive-aggressively. His top priority was to not be controlled.

The bully acted aggressively. His top priority was to control.

We can experience our life as one or the other, at different times, in different ways. “You can’t tell me what to do” may be our hidden and highest priority.

In this perspective, we no longer own our actions, our choices or consequences. None of those matter as long as we are not doing what we’re being told to do. And we feel temporary joy from this perspective. We feel falsely free.

And we are imprisoned by our perception that someone else is telling us what to do--that they have that power over us in the first place.

And they do not.

What we see is others doing to us and make them monsters. We do not see ourselves reacting to our own belief. No one can make us do what they want, only coming from one of our first beliefs as toddlers…in that voice, that perspective, in the statement “You can’t.”

You may be able to relate to this by experiencing your partner trying to make their reality your reality. Their beliefs your beliefs. Their feelings your responsibility. From fear. About control.

Or your partner may be experiencing this from you.

Most likely, both do this in different ways, from the same desire: to be safe.

Safe is not controlled and not abandoned. Trying to stay in between those two fears is where I lived for a long time. Between bully and the victim. Only I went from one to the other, back and forth. I didn’t know I was both or why.

Choosing to have an affair is either a passive-aggressive act (by choosing to hide it, we agree to be married and attack our marriage) or an aggressive one (directly attacking the marriage without hiding).

I’m thinking of the Cadillac here, as a symbol of the marriage. In the driver’s head, not feeling controlled is his top priority, not the marriage. In the bully’s head, making the driver stay in the circle is his top priority.

Both of these are wayward states of mind. Can’t tell from the way I was told if the big bully feared that if the driver stepped out of the circle that he would hurt the bully, or through disobedience, erase the bully. Bullying comes from fear—that much I know.
I know that both people were focused on control, not the car.

I believe there are three parts to marriage…each partner and The Marriage.

The Marriage cannot control either partner; the most power they have in a marriage is half. Cannot be more or less than half. We sure can experience it differently. Remains true of human power and limits, when you see each choice.

We can’t see our own choices by focusing on our partner’s choices.

If the driver was thinking about his choices…to stop, to get out of his car…then I don’t believe he would be laughing. He was busy focusing on the bully’s choices and demands.

If the bully focused on his own power and choices…would he have signaled the driver to stop the car at all? Would he have caught a ride and left his bat?

If you believe an emotion like fear justifies beating the crap out of the marriage to protect yourself; or if you believe anything justifies your choices, then you may be in a wayward state of mind. Because we don’t justify choices…we make them. The best we can with what we know right now. Good signal, I’d say. When I justify, I’m in fantasy.

When I know I’m choosing, I’m in reality.

When we choose to live from our fear, we experience of life focused on controlling and not being controlled. Even justifying our attempts to control so we aren’t being controlled.

When we choose to live from love, know we have no control, only responsibility for ourselves, we experience a life of love.

We choose from our priorities. If my highest priority is to not feel pain, then I will choose from fear of pain. If my highest priority is to act from love, then I will choose from love. To me, love is my boundary...love is the whole and within it, there is respect, honesty, consideration (awareness), appreciation (awareness) and acceptance (not approval). They may sound like parts of love...they are wholes within love. I'm not clear on how to express that just yet.

Love can be perceived as an emotion, not a boundary. That's the way I saw it before I learned it was a belief, not an emotion. So I'm not contradicting myself here by saying I'm not making emotions my highest priority.

We can feel them as emotions...loving, respected, accepted, considered, appreciated; emotions are the result of our beliefs put into action, not the other way around. Which would be "I feel, therefore I react."

Reacting feels like it's not a choice...it's primal, automatic...even at times, against our will. Emotions are like that. We have them even when we don't want them or in a certain way or at a certain time. Like outcomes. So we don't really choose our emotions...and to make something I cannot choose as my highest priority now sounds absurd to me.

Which I consider a blessing.

I do control my beliefs...choose each one and choose how I act from them. I don't control the outcome. And sense I have no control over outcomes, I don't base my choices on possible response (outcome). Only what I do control.

I share this as an act of love. Do I feel fear right now? You betcha...and I'm posting, anyway.

Seems like an easy choice. But then, I’m not telling you what to do. Fer sure.

An LA Primer.

LA 101

LA for beginners, lol!

Seriously...

Phenomenal. Doesn't get any better than that.

Thank you, thank you, thank you...

Thank you.

Oh, Maz...thank you for posting. You're an answer to my prayers tonight.

LA

LA,

Thanks for the post and all your thought-provoking insights. YOU were (and continue to be) an answer to my prayers now and over the past several weeks.

I'm eternally grateful,
Ace

Please let me know when the book is published. I want to buy a copy.

Keep going! You have been a positive influence on how I view myself.

Wow!

You know how awesome you are? To give so much...and you don't have to, you just do.

Remember, we are here for you just as you have always been for us...

MAZ
LA Fan Club Lifetime Member

(((LA)))

Remember what I said about "LA's awesome insight"!!!

Prime example right here.

We all love and admire you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thank you for taking the time to read and respond BH, Acey, MAZ and Daze...right back at each of you.

(((())))

LA

I needed that very much today. Thank you. It gave me well needed boost.

LA,

I realize after reading your post how much insight into not only myself, but how I view others has been affected by your posts. I also realize that I never said that to you, or thanked you, so THANK YOU very much for the time and effort you put towards helping others. It is greatly appreciated.

Hey, HM...love the screename.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I was just looking at your threads...and then I saw this pop up as one of them.

You're welcome. Thank you for reading and searching...so God can bring you comfort or a booster chair.

Believe in yourself...you're getting great advice. I'm learning from you--I think you have guts, respect and assertiveness. Please believe in yourself. You can do this.

You need anything, just holler, 'k?

LA

HI, I really didn't know what to say to your post...TBH...

I mean I loved it...I just hate the place that I am...Plan D...and not in recovery...

:::signing:::

I know that you've helped me alot...I read over my old post and know that I've changed so much in the last year...

D-day came and went and I didn't realize it until the day after...too focused on meeting with the A...

I'll tell you this, when I chose to face reality and discard the illusion...things got tougher but better...strange to explain...

I don't know...I'm have a rough day...just really wanted to say your word have touched me deeply... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Nab,

You're welcome.

It is my growth. I appreciate everyone who takes the time to search out what they need, and share their thoughts and feelings. I think blessings abound because they go two ways, every time.

We've shared similar timelines, ages, kids ages and duration. I don't have your class, though...and I'm learning about conviction.

Thank you for being here reading and sharing, too.

LA

LA,


Warm & fuzzy, loved and included, endeared (is that a word?)....anyhow, that's how I felt when you called me "Acey".

Thanks,
Acey <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />