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I have seen a lot of talk lately, amongst my Killer B's and folks who are in a longer term Plan B...wondering what is going on in AffairLand--curious what their WS and the OP is up to while they are in Plan B. Here, to answer your questions and soothe your enquiring minds, is what goes on in AffairLand while the BS is in Plan B.

Let's start with a little background to set the stage. WS and BS got married and have a couple kids. Like all young couples they thought their love would "conquer all" and never even considered that one of them would cheat. Sure that happens to other people, but their M was different and special and it would never happen to them. But BS put WS through college so they could get ahead in life, and BS always thought that his/her sacrifice would be paid back worth it "someday" when they were successful as a couple. Meanwhile, WS worked and worked to climb the corporate ladder, thinking that he/she was "providing for the family" and doing it to get ahead. BS began to be involved with the kids and their activities and forgot to take time for WS. In fact, when he/she did see WS, he/she complained because WS wasn't helping out. And WS also forgot to make time for BS and began working longer and longer hours at work. Sometimes they didn't even see each other awake for DAYS...and when they did, one or the other of them had negative things to say.

Right about then...enter stage left the OP. OP is a colleague at WS's office, and OP wears nice business outfits and nice cologne--whereas BS wears jeans and a t-shirt. OP knows all about WS's work...what he/she does...how he/she does it...what is hard about it...what is easy about it...what WS struggles with...and probably spends 8 hours a day with WS.--whereas BS is bored hearing about work, has no idea how hard it is, and spends hardly any time with WS. Pretty soon, WS starts talking to OP about a fight that he/she and BS had the night before...and OP is understanding and takes WS's side. Then WS starts going to OP with work conferences and kind of seeks out OP and sits by him/her at lunch. Soon, they are talking like school kids at lunch--phoning each other on the cell phone "for work"--and emailing all night long. And pretty soon after that, one of them mentions that they have feelings for the other ... and that's it. The decide they are "in love" and it becomes a PA. Shortly thereafter, the BS discovers the A (D-day) and finds MB. Everyone with me so far?

Okay, so after finding MB the BS does an appropriate Plan A and the WS goes headlong into the A and moves out to be with OP. The BS goes into Plan B. And THIS is where many of you find yourselves today...either you somewhat recently began Plan B or you have been in Plan B for a little while and your minds are wondering, "What good is this doing? What is my WS up to? Are they still with OP...still in the A? How exactly is this supposed to save my M?"

When a BS goes into Plan B, it is supposed to be after a fairly good, sustained Plan A. So for our story tonight, we will assume that each one of you did a good Plan A so that your WS could see that you realized you needed to make some changes, you MADE the changes, and they are permanent. Plan A shows the WS that the BS is capable of meeting the WS's ENs and capable of creating a love-environment. For me, Plan A was also a reinforcement of me...I became the best ME that I could become and got back to being the person who initially attracted WS and met his ENs!

So, when the WS refuses to end the A, and refuses to do NC with the OP...when the WS moves out of the marital home and (usually) moves in with the OP...the BS goes to Plan B. And while the BS goes through a withdrawal of their own--detaching from the WS and the drama of the A...disentangling their life from the WS's life--here's what is happening to the WS and the OP.

At this point, let's talk a little bit about the WS & OP's "Affair Fantasy." I call it the "Affair Fantasy" because we all know that destroying two marriages, damaging several children, tearing about two families and innumerable immediate relatives (in-laws) IS NOT a "love story." But that is what the WS and OP believe it is in their "Affair Fantasy." In the Affair Fantasy, the WS and OP think that they are star-crossed lovers whom Fate has joined together. Their LOVE can withstand any obstacle (like spouses) and they are SOULMATES. They complete each other, and without each other, their lives miserable--whereas WITH each other, their lives are nothing short of bliss. (Remember...this is their Affair Fantasy.) They fantasize that they are FINALLY understood and deeply loved for who they truly are. The fantasize that the OP can perfectly meet all their ENs without even being told what needs to be done. They fantasize that if they could only "be together" that everyone would be happy for them because they are in love and supposed to be together. They fantasize that their kids will not be harmed or be resentful--in fact, the kids will be happy to see their mommy or daddy finally happy. They fantasize that they can just remove their former spouse from their life and insert the OP...and that they will get to keep all their former money and use it for themselves. Finally, they fantasize that their decisions will have no real consequences to them--everyone will just be happy and accepted and "in love."

THAT is the WS's and OP's Affair Fantasy. Once the BS goes to Plan B, to the Affair partners AT FIRST they think that life is finally going their way! AT FIRST they might celebrate because now they don't have their pesky spouses on their backs reminding them of their guilt. AT FIRST they may act like life is AMAZING because now they can finally be together just like in their Affair Fantasy.

At about this point, the BS can make one of two choices.

CHOICE ONE:
If the BS stays really dark, communicates only through the intermediary, and allows the atty. and court to do the talking for them...here's what happens: The WS begins to wake up in the morning with the OP and guess what? He/she has bad breath in the morning and farts in bed. Hmmmm...not exactly the Affair Fantasy...but (insert foggy excuse here). Then OP's kids are angry with OP and DO NOT LIKE WS AT ALL and are brats around him/her. They leave a mess and OP does not discipline them. They scream at WS "why did you break up my family?" and slam doors. Hmmmm...not exactly the Affair Fantasy, but WS thinks, "Well MY kids are not like that!" Oops! WS hasn't even seen his/her kids in a few WEEKS and they start to feel guilty about that. So WS tries to call BS about seeing the kids, but BS won't be manipulated or guilted into it like they used to be. Hmmmm...now the WS can't see their own children whenever they want to! Hmmmmm...not exactly the Affair Fantasy! Okay, well the WS finally stops calling the BS and writes to the intermediary like they are supposed to, and they arrange to have the kids. But the BS won't let the kids come over if OP is over, and the WS really, really misses the kids, so the WS asks the OP if they can stay away for one night so they can see their kids...AND OP GETS PI$$ED ABOUT IT! CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT!!?? I thought OP understood everything about the WS! Now OP won't even do this one little thing so WS can see the kids. And after a big fight, and OP finally agrees to go stay at a friends' house...WS gets the kids and takes them to McD's and buys them a new video game...and the kids are MAD! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> What!! WS's kids are acting just like OP's kids! They're not happy!! Hmmmm...not exactly the Affair Fantasy.

A few weeks or a month goes by, and WS has to go to court with the BS. WS and OP think "Yay, we will finally be legal! We will finally get the funds from the sale of the house and the judge will tell that stupid BS that we can't afford CS -and- alimony." The WS goes to court, and THE JUDGE tells WS, "You have a choice. Either you sell the house and give BS half the proceeds or you give the house to BS. But you're not getting it. And oh, btw, you are a parent and have an obligation to your children before your lover...so you WILL pay the BS for CS and since BS put you through college and now you can earn a lot more, you have to pay a small amount of alimony too."

The OP is FURIOUS!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> How are they supposed to live?? I suppose this means WS will have to work even MORE hours at work, and can't take OP out to dinner or to the bars like they used to. Hmmmm...not exactly like the Affair Fantasy is it?? And OP begins to have projects with another co-worker at the office and stays later and later...and has lunch...and emails with the co-worker...and sure enough, finally one day the OP dumps the WS.

If the BS has been in a dark, silent Plan B...right about then the WS is realizing that the BS was right and that the grass was NOT greener on the other side. But the WS wonders if there is any way they could EVER, EVER work it out again, and has some pride and is afraid to find out. But the BS says, "If you're willing to go to IC and MC with the Harley's for six months, and really work on your issues...I will consider it." And the WS IS willing to do it because their addiction (the OP) went away and the WS withdrew from the fog and could see that they behaved like an idiot.

CHOICE TWO:
If the BS DOES NOT stay really dark, communicates via phone, TM and email, and fights the advice from the atty. and court...here's what happens: The WS begins to wake up in the morning with the OP and guess what? He/she has bad breath in the morning and farts in bed. Hmmmm...not exactly the Affair Fantasy...but (insert foggy excuse here). So the WS speaks to BS about it on the phone, and the BS says not to tell him/her about sex with the OP and they end up in a fighting match, and WS thinks, "That's why I'm leaving BS! I can put up with bad breath and farts any day! I can't stand that screaming (insert name calling here)." Then OP's kids are angry with OP and DO NOT LIKE WS AT ALL and are brats around him/her. They leave a mess and OP does not discipline them. They scream at WS "why did you break up my family?" and slam doors. Hmmmm...not exactly the Affair Fantasy, but WS thinks, "Well MY kids are not like that!" Oops! WS hasn't even seen his/her kids in a few WEEKS and they start to feel guilty about that. So WS calls BS about seeing the kids, but BS hangs up--is demanding and all self-righteous--and is judgmental and critical. Hmmmm...now the WS can't see their own children whenever they want to! Hmmmmm...not exactly the Affair Fantasy! FINE--the WS decides to get his/her atty. to FORCE BS to let them see the kids and claims Parental Alienation. Finally the BS agrees to a night but won't let the kids come over if OP is over, and the WS really, really misses the kids, so the WS asks the OP if they can stay away for one night so they can see their kids...AND OP GETS PI$$ED ABOUT IT! CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT!!?? I thought OP understood everything about the WS! Now OP won't even do this one little thing so WS can see the kids. And after a big fight, and OP finally agrees to go stay at a friends' house...WS gets the kids and takes them to McD's and buys them a new video game...and the kids are MAD! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> What!! WS's kids are acting just like OP's kids! They're not happy!! Hmmmm...not exactly the Affair Fantasy. But it must be because of BS's Parental Alienation, which the atty. will fix shortly.

A few weeks or a month goes by, and WS has to go to court with the BS. WS and OP think "Yay, we will finally be legal! We will finally get the funds from the sale of the house and the judge will tell that stupid BS that we can't afford CS -and- alimony." The WS goes to court, and THE JUDGE tells WS, "You have a choice. Either you sell the house and give BS half the proceeds or you give the house to BS. But you're not getting it. And oh, btw, you are a parent and have an obligation to your children before your lover...so you WILL pay the BS for CS and since BS put you through college and now you can earn a lot more, you have to pay a small amount of alimony too."

The OP is FURIOUS!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> How are they supposed to live?? I suppose this means WS will have to work even MORE hours at work, and can't take OP out to dinner or to the bars like they used to. Hmmmm...not exactly like the Affair Fantasy is it?? So the WS calls the BS and pressures the BS to agree to a lessor amount of CS and they end up in another screaming match, calling each other names. The BS is all hurt by the continued abuse...the WS gets to control the situation again and through intimidation gets exactly what they want, and the OP is THRILLED that now they don't have to pay that much!

The OP and WS set up house and continue in their Love Shack. Since the BS has not been in a dark, silent Plan B...right about then the WS is blaming EVERY THING on the BS: the BS's anger, the BS's criticism, the BS's LoveBusters, and the BS's Parental Alienation. NONE of it is the WS's fault. The grass IS greener on the other side. But the WS has some pride and will never, ever consider going back, because that would require admitting that they participated in the demise of the M. The WS never does go to IC, never does learn or grow or change, and the WS and BS end up in D.


Killer B's this is a gigantic generalization...but this should give you some idea of that is going on in AffairLand while you are in Plan B. Now you know why we suggest/request that you stay in a nice, quiet, dark, silent Plan B. It is for your own good (so you can heal from the drama of the A), it is for your M's good (so any love for your WS can be saved), and it is for your WS's good (so that when the A dies it's natural death, they can swallow their pride and return IF THAT'S WHAT YOU--THE BS--WANT!!


Any questions???

Your faithful friend,


CJ

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Terrific job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Divorced:
"Never shelter anyone from the realities of their decisions": Noodle

You believe easily what you hope for ernestly

Infidelity does not kill marriages, the lying does
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LOL... a great write-up FWCJ!


Dev BS - 31 (me) WW - 29 M ~2 years, No kids DDay - 2nd Dec 2006 Exposed - 15th Jan 2007 NC started - 14th Jan 2007 NC broken 23rd Jan 2007 NC broken many times since Status: WS moved out 22 March 07 "to think"; A ongoing still; 2nd July 2007 - signed Divorce papers "I'm done!"
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Whoa.....

Not *precisely* what I went through (an A was not the direct cause of my D), but OMG - it's all *so* accurate.

You are SO right on the money with this, it's scary <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

JinGA


F/40, DD15 DS13 M 1989 DDay his EA May 1998. S Aug 2004. D Dec 05. I filed. 4/07 Post-D Plan A with 180, with hopes of R. 6/23/07 XH said no to R. 8/24/07 Went on a date with someone new, "B". 1/22/08 Still seeing B, life is good! Learning and growing each day. Ask me about Geocaching!
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Love it, love it, CJ! Thank you...for this and all of the support you are throwing the the Bees around here.

But here's my question....

In your example, and in the example in SAA, the OP dumps the WS. Not to be overly specific to my sitch, but I don't see that happening in a million years. OP Dd her H (who was an attorney) to be with WH, who is a cop. And they are NOT together 24/7...WH lives at ILs.

So can someone give a scenario in which the OP does NOT dump the WS? In which the WS must disentangle him/herself from the OP, who may be hanging on for dear life, because he/she has given up everything for the WS?

Did that make sense??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

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Sis, my WH is living with his OW (she is NOT/NEVER BEEN married---Again AIMLESS). I have to suspect that she will cling to him like glue, and SHOULD fear that he will leave her, because HE will. That's what Plan B is for.

Okay, OP doesn't dump the spouse, becomes clingy, questioning what he/she does when he/she is not with OP, becuase they trust each other sooooo much. WS grows very tired of this, it causes arguments, neither person feels comfortable or safe....you get the general story, fill in the blanks, but the A will not last because they both still have the same behavior model, meanwhile, YOU are learning about R's and what it takes, so you are prepared for anyting...

Oh, and BTW, here's a real life sitch with my WH. He doesn't want any more kids (so he says). He has told both his A partners this. The first MOW went running as fast as she could, back to her H. This YOUNGER woman (28) has NEVER been married, and has a sister and a mother and father who are still married. What do you think the likelihood is that she will want children someday (despite probably telling WH that she doens't want them---remember NEVER SAY NEVER)...What a pickle. Two people who aren't even REMOTELY on the same page. That makes me smile <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Also, I've been thinking a lot about how A's start. Everything is perfect, because REALITY is never really discussed, not until after the attachment is formed. The WS/OP really only talk about the fantasy of their future life, not reality. I would assume that many things go unspoken, and once they are found out, they are FORCED together, STILL without discussing REALITY.

Real Relationships take some time to form, slowly moving from Romantic love onto a more real plane of existence, in which you sit and have drinks together, laughing, talking about your past and about your wants and dreams. No drama, nothing forcing the discussion, just TIME spent getting to know one another. Then you move on to a more serious R.

Now, does that make any sense?

Last edited by silentlucidity; 04/29/07 08:30 AM.

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Yep, it does make sense, and it fills in those blanks. Thanks for reinforcing that.

I get a little worried/frustrated when I read SAA, because of that Sue scenario, that Greg was the one who left...so Sue was almost forced into reality, she didn't CHOOSE it.

CHOOSING to end the A is the more difficult row to hoe; the WS truly needs to be brought to his/her knees, hit bottom--or so it seems.

You have experienced first hand how incredibly difficult it is for WH to escape to clinging claws of a desperate Aimless.

BUT...I LOVE that you say "HE will." Good for you, and good for your H. He is a lucky guy. Bring that WH to his knees, and let the H that's been beaten down emerge with fierce determination to turn things around. HE will.

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i had hoped that the OW would go back to her husband (who lived with HER mother and HER 4 children)

so finding out that OWH divprced her a year ago has pretty much ended that hope

so now, i believe that might help to explain how the affair has lasted this long

your husband doesn't want you back.........would you
leave a man who is willing to support you and at least some of your 4 children while you get to stay at home and do nothing

i don't see it happening

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My Wh is sort of similar to LilSis',

he doesn't live with MOW. They have to schedule thier rendezvous. So there is still the romantic excitment of getting away. So it seems very similar to the same stuff in A land.

It makes my stomach sick

Still


BW me 46
WH 46
Together 28 years married 23
3 Kids DD20, DD17 and DS 14
DD #1 (1st A) 10/13/01 with single OW who was co-worker
DD#2 1/23/02 phone call from OW
WH left job 4/02
MC 10/01 to 4/02 (when he showed up)
Separated 7/04 to 10/04
Retrouvaille 9/04
Red Flags 11/05
DD#1 (2nd affair) 8/16/06 with MOW age 29 twice married and he's her boss.
Moved out (him) weekend after labor day
23rd anniversary 10/7/07
Filed 10/18/06 still seeing MOW
Dropped divorce complaint 6/7/07
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Still: RT's D is final. She's now free as a bird...so I don't think there's all that much excitement of scheduling their little meetings...they are out in the open...although the day-to-day stuff isn't encroaching on their fantasy as long as they aren't living together.

And it might not for a looong time, if her XH set it up so that spousal support would end with cohabitation or remarriage.

And WH as been talking to the boys about the "new house" that he's going to buy with a big backyard for the dog.

But since RT's free, I'm sure she'll want to hang on tight; she has three kids...and absolutely WILL NOT want to be stuck all alone. She is definitely not the type to be man-less. As one of WH's friends said when I exposed to him (he had met RT), "There's a loose-ness about her; a vixen quality." Predatory; on the prowl. I hope she's prowling right now...for some other man.

Niiiiice, huh? Just the kind of woman I want in the lives of my boys.

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LIlSis,

RT sounds alot like my Wh's ho. Those are things I have heard about her. The way it appears she has never been without a man or 2. She isn'r divorced yet. Neither has filed yet.

That's why I think it's still fantasy land for them. They can only meet certain days when both don't have thier kids.

I'm not even sure where WH is going to go in a couple of weeks.. supossedly only has the lease for 9 months. I really can't see him moving in with her. Not with his kids driving by her house on the way to and from school.

Still


BW me 46
WH 46
Together 28 years married 23
3 Kids DD20, DD17 and DS 14
DD #1 (1st A) 10/13/01 with single OW who was co-worker
DD#2 1/23/02 phone call from OW
WH left job 4/02
MC 10/01 to 4/02 (when he showed up)
Separated 7/04 to 10/04
Retrouvaille 9/04
Red Flags 11/05
DD#1 (2nd affair) 8/16/06 with MOW age 29 twice married and he's her boss.
Moved out (him) weekend after labor day
23rd anniversary 10/7/07
Filed 10/18/06 still seeing MOW
Dropped divorce complaint 6/7/07
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That scenario sounds EXACTLY what happened in my life. I got wrapped up in the kids, neglected WH and he found OW.

He lives with OW, and is happy, he told me today.

He's not coming back. He wants the D.

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You have requested a scenario in which the OP does not dump the WS...but rather the WS "ends" the A. I believe I can TESTIFY that this kind of scenario can DEFINITELY happen, and here's why. I am a 45yo woman--smart, funny, kind, gentle, humble--plus I have a sick sense of humor. I believe I am pretty mature and due to my exH's multiple A's and our subsequent D, I believe I have a pretty good understanding of what Real Love is, and how to have a healthy relationship with a real partner. But I can tell you this much...even being a smart, wise woman and being married to an equal smart, wise second husband...BEING A SECOND WIFE IS HARD!!!

What happens is that there are all kinds of things that you have to deal with that are things you never thought of! For example, when I first met my step-kids, most of them were so hurt and upset about their parents' D that they wouldn't even come out of their rooms or speak to me. They didn't pick up after themselves, wouldn't eat anything that I cooked, and they treated me like a bag of dog doodoo. Now...just so you know, I don't think they hated "me" or anything...I think they were just so hurt from everything that they were pretty self-centered (and to a degree, rightfully so). But my new DH felt guilty for hurting his kids, so he wouldn't discipline them AT ALL...and those little monsters were getting away with murder. Trust me when I say that this can be tough!!

WS and OP will have to deal with this, without the benefit of having grown or matured through a place like MB...and it will be a GIGANTIC LB.

Next, there are the "crazy ex's" to consider. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> Heehee!! I know this means YOU (the BS is the crazy ex) but what happens is that OP wants WS to listen to THEM and give all their attention to THEM. Imagine what an LB it is to have an ex who calls and asks for help with the lawn or asks for money or asks for anything really...and the WS is still a little tied to the BS!! That drives the OP crazy!! I know that if you'all are in a dark Plan B you are not calling and asking for favors--and that's GOOD (trust me) but that doesn't diminish the impact of the WS and the OP sitting around at the Love Shack, and the OP saying, "You are always talking about how BS won't talk to you and thinking of him/her! Well, *I* want your attention! Why aren't you thinking about ME???" Or the impact of having to pay for one of the kids' sports, lessons, or field trips. Or having to buy school supplies or clothes for the kids because the BS can't/won't send any over. Yep...HUGE LB's!!

Then, there's money. Imagine what happens every paycheck. There's that GLARING entry on the check that takes away 1/3 of the income and pays it to BS!!! Oh, that has GOT to hurt!! In AffairLand OP has got to be saying, "Look at all that money going to Him/Her! That's supposed to be OUR money!" and they have some difficulty paying their bills and going out--plus WS can't buy OP all the presents and things that he/she used to. Soooooo...they argue about money. There's never enough. OP wants WS to do "the little things" like he/she used to, but now they can't afford it because all of "their" money is going to BS!!

Then there's the pain in the heiney of COURT and court-papers and lawyers and judges and just all of it. BS just keeps D-R-A-G-G-I-N-G it out and won't cooperate, so they can never be legal and they can never get married and be legitimate. Plus there's all the attorney fees, just so the WS can get the little brats to stay over! Why do they have to pay thousands and thousands of dollars they already don't have and can't use for partying just to have those darn BRATS?? And the BS keeps winning when they do go!!!

Sooooooo...the WS thought that being with the OP would loving, safe, and happy--and instead they argue about his kids and her kids, they argue about money, they argue about ex's (or STBX's), they argue about court... Hey, guess what? The WS realizes that all this arguing is no better than when they were with BS!! They are no happier. It's costing them an arm and a leg. And everyone HATES them!!! So one day during a fight, the WS says to the OP, "That's IT! We're through!" and they break up. We all know that OP just moves on to his/her next victim...but what happens to WS?

SOME WS's have a personality disorder or another addiction (drugs, drinking, porn) -and- a stubborn streak, so because of their pride, they just stay alone and live a miserable life for a while. But SOME WS's will be alone in their apartment that was supposed to be the Love Shack, and they'll go through some withdrawal from the A and start to come to their senses. For SOME WS's the fog will start to clear and they will think back to how good they had it with BS. Furthermore, if BS has done a dark Plan B, they'll see BS as being happy, well-adjusted, taking care of the kids and their own life, and the WS will think something like, "Wow, what was I? NUTS??? Look at BS. They are doing okay! I was an IDIOT!" And right about then, the WS will swallow their pride and call BS and say, "Could we talk?"

And that's when the steps BACK TO THE MARRIAGE in the Plan B letter come into play. The steps outlined in the Plan B letter itemize for the WS the things that will need to take place in order to consider reconciliation, but at this point, the WS is willing to do them!

There! Does that help???

Your faithful friend,



CJ

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It does help. Again, I thank you, CJ.

You are indeed a faithful friend.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

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I just want to point out that I think the BS gets too focused on wanting the WS to be the one to end it. I know that every BS, myself included, wanted to be the FIRST CHOICE after all we had to endure. But what is really important is that the AFFAIR ENDS. Don't worry about why and how.

My husband was dumped by his OW, although I think that he would have dumped her shortly if she hadn't gotten there first.

It just didn't matter. He DID have the realization that the grass wasn't greener. He did come home willing to do whatever he had to.

Neither of us had a AHA moment of love and fireworks that started recovery. Instead it was a CHOICE, followed up by actions that lead to fireworks later, MUCH later.

We can't force them to feel what we want them to feel. Don't get too hung up on it. Until the affair ends, your marriage has NO CHANCE. The affair will end, and it probably won't end in a way that makes you feel victorious or vindicated.


~ Pain is a given, misery is optional ~
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Excellent post BrambleRose. Very true.


Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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Thanks for this thread, too. You're a star, CJ.

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like i said before, i thought the A would end because OW would go back to her H and children

now that i know OWH divorced her a year ago, that doesn't seem likely

even Jennifer harley said "I don't care what ends the affair just so it's over"

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CJ,

Reading your post was like reading my situation.

But what if WH doesn't end the A? What if he and OW are happy and live happily ever after?

I don't care how the A ends, or who ends it, just that it does. But he's made it clear to me, he likes the single life. It's been a year since he's left and he's adjusted well, he said.

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Maybe it's just cyclical, or maybe I just haven't been around long enough...but it seems as if there are a inordinate number of us in the same general "spot" right now...which is likely why this issue has bubbled up.

I'm sure NONE of us care exactly who ends it or how it ends...just that it DOES...and preferrably BEFORE we are so far gone, so disenchanted, so fed up that we've moved on. (For me, anyway, those are my two fears: that WH will join the 3% club, or he'll remove his head too late.)

Anyway, I take great reassurance in hearing from those who have been through the fire...and come out on the other side one way or another....hearing about how BAD it got, how hopeless, and still had a good outcome.

MarriedForever has had a good turn of events recently, though! Maybe she'll start a trend for the rest of us. It just takes time...we have to have faith that the As will end for all the reasons that we talk about...just according to God's timeline, not ours.

Let's chin up, Bees!

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