I have been just skimming this thread but I want to share some info. that might be somewhat uplifting...

I AM VERY MUCH HAPPILY RECOVERED IN MY MARRIAGE even though...

THE OW WAS 17 YEARS YOUNGER...

MY H BOUGHT A NEW CONDO FOR THEIR LOVENEST ( We now have it on the market, BTW)..it is a RENTAL...

HE EVENTUALLY MOVED IN WITH HER..and OUT OF THE CONDO..who knows why????

SHE GOT DIVORCED TWO MONTHS BEFORE D-DAY...

Aren't you guys seeing these factors as some of the sure reasons that your WH's AFFAIRS will last???

I think that you are forgetting that these are AFFAIR RELATIONSHIPS..established based on LIES and DECEIT..fueled by FANTASY....

This is what Jennifer is likely basing her counsel to Eav on...

There is a slim to none likelihood that these relationships will withstand the LIGHT OF DAY....

However, the INFIDELS have to REALLY GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER and the WS has to TRY TO MAKE IT WORK without the WIFEY providing RELIEF/RESCUE....

I wish I could LIFT YOU ALL UP TO THE HEIGHTS OF WHERE YOU BELONG..

I wish you could see yourselves there...

AS DIAMONDS..

AS WORTHY OF A FEAST AND NOT CRUMBS...

You hold your spouses HISTORY..GOD brought you together and wants you to be together...

BELIEVE IN YOURSELVES AS WORTHY and YOUR BLESSINGS WILL COME...

HAVE FAITH IN HIM and IN YOURSELVES..this is my belief...

This was a great post.

My WH's affair won't last...in fact I am surprised it is still going on!! They are literallly night and day. She hates kids, doesn't want mine around...he loves kids.

She smokes...he hates it

She makes fun of everything about him. His job, his accent, the fact that his truck is in my name and not his.

CAlls him stupid, niave and tells him everyone pities him.

She was trying to demand he go to her grandmothers funeral. He refused. One thing he HATES is people demanding anything of him.

This can't last.....I just sit back and LAUGH!!!!! HAVING FUN WH?? He even says he isn't happy. YAY!!!

Well, I've gotta chime in about one thing in particular. AS long as you have MB it doesn't matter who dumps who. It really doesn't. My first false recovery occurred MOSTLY due to the fact that neither one of us had any clue what to do in order to WANT it again. WE floundered. I hadn't found MB until about a year later, and WH was still VERY WAYWARD in his thinking. He was dumped by the OW. I WAS second choice, because I had no boundaries, NEITHER DOES HE. We didn't talk, we didn't do anything remotely helpful.

From what I hear, and what little I see myself, WH is not doing so HOT. He's even heavier now, and never looks happy, at least from afar when he drops my DS off and I get a gander now and then. Also, his recent mails....well thats inaccurate his emails SINCE late January don't speak of someone who is just over the moon for this woman.

Now, none of this means that we will recover, but I'm giving it my best shot.

Romantic love doesn't last, and then they say, "Well, [censored], this is no dang better than what I left" Matter of fact, what he left, in the end, is a much more fulfilling life, and comforting, comfortable, good. Meh, his choice to give it up. It will/ would suck to get the D, and I will cry and THEN I will be happy again, and healthy.\

The best chance for us to recover is Plan B. Everyone has written us off now, so it's quiet, which is good. No more drama for me. I sure would appreciate some o' dem fireworks though...

Be careful what you wish for, SL. I'm tired of those fireworks and would appreciate some quiet!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Fox

i read over some of my notes from sessions with jennifer

here are things that she has pointed out:

OW's 4 children
-my husband doesn't like children and never wanted any
-OW spends alot of time taking her children to after shool activities ets....my h isn't used to sharing time with children
-expense
-lifestyle change from no children to living with 1-4 children some or part of the time

Jennifer feels her children with cause HUGE lovebusters between them

OW husband (even if they are divorced)
-OWH lives with OW's mother, he has since they were in high school
-mother and OW family accept him as a member of the family
-OW and her H have been together since 9th grade
-OWH told me that OW calls him repeatedly (2-3 times some days) telling him she still wants to be friends with him and even has said she wants to get back together with him
-OW comes and goes at her mothers house (where her H also lives) because at least some of her children still live with H
-OW mother said she will NEVER accept my husband

jennifer feels these things will cause huge lovebusters between them

sacrifice
-my h gave up a newer home with an inground pool, a corvette, his new truck, his 2 dogs for a HUD house, a little used truck and a mini-van
-OW gave up living with one or more of her children and her mother

money issues
-my husband is VERY tight with money...and gets very ANXIOUS/ANGRY about bills
-my H gave up living off two incomes
-children are EXPENSIVE
-OWH said OW has HUGE credit card debt in HER name, that she shops, shops, shops
-OW doesn't work (her H said she's had a few jobs but she always quit because she just doesn't want to work)
-my H has already expressed his frustration/anger about the expenses of trying to fix up the HUD house and that he can't pay his bills and the bill collectors keep calling his house

we had NO credit card debt (i paid them all off with an inheritance) and were able to pay our bills just fine and he STILL worried every month....imagine him now

also, my H has ALWAYS wanted to move home near his family, we both tried every year to find jobs back home

he can't do that now because OW's mother, children and family all live 3 hours away from his family

these are all things that Jennifer believes will cause much lovebusting as the "give give give" attitude of a fantasy affair changes and thier takers begin to feel comfortable enough to start making demands

having given up so much to be together, they will expect alot in return

jennifer beleives this affair will not survive these things

MIMI

THANK YOU

for pointing out that your husband A had all of the same things that make us believe our husband's A will last and his DIDN'T!!

Mimi,

I can identify with some of the things you went through. Guess that's why I value your posts so much.

My WH is living with OW who is 17 years younger.

WH just signed a new 1 year lease with her.

OW got D'd already.

OW has no kids.

The only thing that I see that is somewhat different, is that you or he never filed and went through a D like we are now.

I try and see what you are saying, but I guess my head is too thick to comprehend it all.

WH TOLD me he's happy and that this is the way that is right for him, that he's glad there's no more conflict from me, it's been a very peaceful year for him being away.

How can I make someone come back when they don't want to? How can I make someone love me when they don't? I can't!

I do try and be hopeful, I cling onto eveyone's threads seeing how my situation is like theirs and then hope my WH will wake up like their WH's did, but I TRULY believe he likes it this way. He likes being single with the OW.

Am I being stupid?

cat

i too find mimi's posts helpful for the same reasons

and yet, i think your plan B only lasted 3 months right mimi?

THAT'S a problem I have.....it seems that i see marriages here that have recovered soon after plan B started....as soon as the WS saw his needs could not be met by OP

there are many fewer recovered marraiges here that had a long plan B

i think it was believer's H who wanted to reconcile after 3 years of almost NO CONTACT AT ALL

i can't think of any others right now

can anyone help?

eav, I've often wondered the same thing, about other former Ber's. I really only know about the current crop, and, so far, we aren't faring so well...

I know Mimi says don't assume, but apparently OW is meeting WH's needs. He said he's had a no conflict year and is peaceful for once.

She must be doing something right!

Cat - they are still drugged out on their affair. That will end.

I like what Bigkahuna said. DITTO.

Big...

That's what I'm hoping for, but when? I was hoping he'd wake up by now.

Look at Eav now. Her WH's didn't end and it's been so long.

I think some WS's just don't get it.

True Cat but Harley says 2 years and MOST (not ALL) burn out.

Well WH left to live with her a year ago.

Guess I have one more to go! Unless he becomes the 3% of A's that never die.

Cat:

Please STOP quoting your WH..

He's not going to tell you the truth about the nature of their relationship.

Wow, that's exactly how I felt after my FWH came home both times. It took me a long, long time to believe otherwise. I can honestly say now, that without a doubt, that I am FIRST choice because my DH has shown me and told me many times over during our recovery how much I mean to him.

He is REMORSEFUL for the things he did. HE says that he COULDN'T have been in love during that time with those OP because HE wasn't HIMSELF. HE says he was living a FANTASY and that it could never have worked out with either one of them.

I KNOW in my heart of hearts that my DH loves me. But you guys have it right so YOU don't have to go through what I did WHEN you recover. Follow the plan!!

I tell you what, I have finally been awakened to what I need to SEE in order to recover. That would be a willing, WANTING party. I will accept no less. I am not happy that the recent false recovery happened, but I was prepared and I have bounced back in a big way.

I wouldn't want my WH to suffer in NOT KNOWING what he wants. He may have to suffer to get it, but he needs to know. Right now, he doesn't, so I am standing by, with no timetable in mind, but with a goal. I will know when it is over, either by his choices or by mine. I'm as prepared as I can be. When he figures it all out for himself, he'll let me know...

Cat, your WH is TALKING, and if he's talking, he's probably lying. You can tell, cause his lips are moving. Now, a kiss, that's a bit different, but sometimes just as conflicted, so just get dark.

and here is a typical affair marriage ... oh what joy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

HERE

Thanks to what I have heard from so many here, I am sure I would also know when H walked back in, minus the W. And H is the only one who is welcome.

H would be broken; bottomed out. Laid bare. Artifice and superficiality gone. Like the prodigal son, completely humbled.

A WH who comes back with WORDS alone is still a WH. A H comes back with ACTIONS.

It would still take strength on my part not to fall for the crumbs of a WH...but I'd know. Thanks to you all...I'd know.

So the UNANSWERABLE questions remain...will H ever come back (no matter how many times we hear it, I bet in the back of our minds many of us think OUR WSs are 3%ers), and if he does, will it be too late for ME?

And I say that second one because as much as I love H--and always will--I can truly see WH's A going on for a long, long time...and I know at some point I will move on. I don't want that to happen...but I don't want to live in limbo forever, either. I am going to have to trust my gut on this one...that I will "know" when it's over.