Please bear with me. I hurt all over and I can't stop crying right now. I just found this site.

I discovered a text message from one of his students on Sat. I love my husband and have, since we were both 18. He lied. I cried. I called the student who is 1 yr. younger than our oldest son. I raged at her and the sweet young married thing raged right back. I demanded the affair end. I threatened to tell her husband. Her response? ************** He talked w/her on the phone with me beside him and apologetically said, "We can't see each other again." It was a heartbreaking weekend.

I made threats, I took off rings, I raged some more. He was genuinely consumed in guilt, but admitted the young woman into his office on Mon., because he didn't want to "cause a scene." He said it was over. She has 5 children (2 step) and is also married.

We talked all weekend and I went to a bar by myself for the first time in 30 yrs. We have had sex twice, since I found out. I felt so desperate to reconnect. I am so ashamed.

We are to retire. He leaves his job in 2 weeks. I will be done in 6. Last night, I just couldn't control it. I lost my temper and said ugly, ugly things. I feel as though I'm losing my mind, my world, my life. I read here that I was not to do any of the things that I have done. I am calm one minute and saying horrible things the next.

He said, "I will leave." He packed and went to his mom's, without another word. I cried all night and he hasn't called. I can't concentrate. I shake.

The most hurtful aspect? My 50th birthday was Sun. I found her picture on Myspace and she looks like a tighter and younger version of me.

Please. Please. I have read all that I can understand. I think I have blown past Plan A because I drove him away. This is his second time cheating. The last was 20 years ago.

We did go to counseling and it saved the marriage for ten more years.

I feel for you....

Try reading through this site..it might give you the perspective you need to begin working on your marriage. Remember, although you're feeling hateful things toward your H right now, it may have been a lack of meeting his emotional needs that led him to cheat...

I may not have met his sexual needs. That has been an ongoing problem for the entire marriage. I just can't focus. I feel so utterly and completely lost and alone.

Mfor30,

Please do read the information here. ONe of the big things in recovering a marriage is NC with the other person, OP. If your H is retiring and you are as well, then NC seem as if it will be something that is do able.

Have you disclosed the affair to the other woman's, OW, H? If not that should happen. The more light shined on this the more rapidly it will end.

As for your behavior...it is normal. But, to be effective you really do need to be calm cool and focussed. If you want to save your marriage and it sounds as if you do, then focus on the future. Use the past to learn from and focus on the future.

As for her being younger than you, well that is a plus AND a minus for her. You have experience, you have love, you don't have 4 kids to rear, unless you are suffering from something physical you can work that man into the ground, if you know what I mean. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Your emotional ups and downs are so common that they have a name around here, it is called the emotional "rollercoaster" so fasten your seatbelt. The ups and downs will level out in time, but it will be months although the first week is very hard.

Have you spoken with your H since he left? If not, consider doing that. Let him know YOUR goals and hopes for the future. You probably don't need to tell him you are hurt, the man probably has enough brain cells functioning to figure that one out. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Please do read the articles on this site. The needs section and the concept of the love bank are good places to start. Then move to the concept of radial honesty and the policy of joint agreement, POJA. Finally read Harley's 4 rules for a good marriage. Very common sense but somehow often overlooked.

Hang in there, this can be addressed and your marriage can be rebuilt.

God Bless,

JL

Just Learning, I thank you so much for responding to me. I feel...Well I threatened to call the husband, but haven't. I do not think this OW is of decent character and my suspicions are that the BH may be worse. My WH works at a university and will be vulnerable to any violence. I just wouldn't want that.

I haven't talked to him since he walked out last night. He has not had enough nerve or decency, I suppose. I will read more, but I really do think I've pushed him right out the door. I guess that he's at his mom's and he won't go there at all until it's late, so she won't worry. His mom is very ill.

Is it too late? I will try to make some sense of this, but I can't seem to function or think. Rollercoaster? I feel as though I'm in the midst of a hurricance.

He said it was over, so why did he leave? I thought at first it was because: 1..His shame 2. I couldn't stop screaming and hyperventilating.

I just need so much right now. I truly thought he loved me. It's what he'd said for 30 years.....

Hang in there. I'm sure he will be back soon. You didn't get any more upset or act any worse than anyone else that has gone through this.

I do think I would tell her husband, but you might as well wait until your husband is no longer working there.

Keep reading and posting here. When he wants to come home, let him know that you need to know the reason he cheated.

This is so hard. I called him and he came home immediately. Sleeping on his 80 year old mother's couch wasn't comfortable....the couch must be that old as well. We talked and I was able to remain calm as advised. This was such good advice, but I lost my temper and called him a dirty word, that has never come out of my mouth before.

He was angered, but stayed. He claims that the A is over and was repentant, but I still have doubts. He admitted that he told her he loves her and was told this in return. We had sex on the day before he walked out....But I wouldn't do this again and he was disappointed. Can you believe the gall?

I am still shaky. He promised to go to a counselor, but no appointments have been made. He's bogged down at work. He promised to make an appointment for std, but this hasn't been done yet either. There has been cuddling, etc. but nothing else. While lying in bed, I had mental images of harming him, this man that I truly love.

How? How? How can you tell someone that you love them with such abandon during a 4 month A? He says they both said it and that he doesn't believe it to be true for either of them. He has said it to me for over 30 years...I believed him.

He has been kind and solicitous, but he's always been very kind and loving. He repeatedly said he didn't want to lose me, so what can you do with the information?

He risked our marriage for young sex? I will admit that he is always juiced and I am:

Loving and attentive = Yes.
Sexually active/aggresive= No
Is sex alone enough for a 55 year old man to do this? I am just knocked to my knees by all of this.

Married for 30,

Have you taken the time to read the articles on this site? you may find that many of the feelings/doubts/thoughts you and your husband are experiencing have some universal themes amongst those that have been where you are right now. To me, that is comforting...the sentiment I get from your post is 1. He loves you 2. he does have regret 3. he does not want a divorce, and 4. He doesnt even know right now what to do or where to start.

Do you feel you have it in your heart to forgive? If you knew it is over, and that he has true remorse/guilt/shame/regret? If so, please...Continue to come here to vent, read, and read some more and learn about all that you are experiencing.

One more piece of advice. Just Learning..Take his advice to heart.

Dara

Marriedfor30,

You asked how someone can tell them they love them after only 4 month's it is easy. Here is the thing you are not really grasping yet, but you will in time because it is crucial to your recovery and that of your H.

When you took your vows 30 years ago you promised to "love" your H. He made the same promise. But, neither of you promised to feel "in-love". In fact, you did not promise anything about feelings. Your H stated a feeling to this OW and she to him.

What you two promised "till death do you part" was to love as in the verb "to love". It is an action, it is a powerful action and it is one that you will need to see from him, and one he will need to see from you for this marriage to be rebuilt.

Meeting needs or not meeting needs does not cause affairs. However, meeting needs and having yours met is an action of love and one each of you need to see from the other.

I think that his actions since D-day show that you have something to work with here. He does love you, he is probably in withdrawal from the "feelings' he experienced. And you surly don't "feel" love right now.

But, the point is to act with love, to receptive to actions of love, and to learn as much as you can about relationships from the information on this site.

You are right no intimacy until STD tests, but then if you feel like it and he does, by all means be intimate.

I think he came back because he wants to be with you and in his marriage. I think that with time and work on both of your parts, your marriage will recover and be rebuilt to a level it may not have seen for a few years.

Hang in there, learn as much as you can, and understand "feeling in-love" never lasts, being loving does.

God Bless,

JL

Just Learning, I so appreciate your kind and very patient words of wisdom. I think I understand your explanation of love and being "in love", but I'm so sad and confused, because I thought we had both. I feel so foolish.

I'm back after an all night marathon of snooping and crying. I went online and got phone records...WH has been after the sweet young thing like a dog in heat, according to the records, since Dec.

I dug in and he caught me making copies. He cried and said, "Please. No more." What? I blustered and told him I wouldn't stop until I uncovered all lies and secrets and he confessed to one extra A that has gone on for approx. 1 year.

He said he and OW#2 called each other only when they needed a sexual interlude. With both, he says it was only sex and that he couldn't stand the fact that we have sex every 6 weeks or so. He said that I make him beg and that's true.

He pleaded for forgiveness and said he wants to save the marriage. The NC was mailed to OW #1 and an appointment made for IC Mon and STD check on Sat.

OW#2 is 4 years older than we are(married) and he says she only contacts him every 3 mths. or so, or vice versa. I will not press until IC begins. He doesn't have an addy, but I will insist the call be made. I didn't know to do this, until I came here.

This is such a mess. Sex? Sex? Who knew it was that important? I'm working Plan A (I think) and I will see how this develops. I have a long way to go to stop the LB behavior. I love him and he says he loves me. I believe him...but then, I always have, so this means very little.

I am strangely numb. Right now, I feel like a mother who has caught a repentant middle grade child in a sex act. Yes, I feel strangely protective yet disappointed. Is this normal?????

I love him, but heavens to mergatroid!!!!! Can a lack of sex make a grown man destroy a marriage? I still think he may have more demons to exorcise and I pray that IC will aid in that journey. He says that he desires me and felt that I had put him on a sexual diet for the entire 30 yr. marriage.

This is true, but can my lack of effort in this one area penetrate all of the other loving acts? I have read here that it is his lack of a moral compass. Now that sounds more believable to me.

Please. Can anyone sign on and help me gain more clarity here? I am so grateful to have found this site. Am I proceeding correctly? Is this marriage doomed due to his behavior that resembles a sex addict's ????? I have no one else to turn to...my husband was my confidante.

I appreciate all responses?comments. It was enough to deal with the sweet young thing...now there's also a "cougar!!!!!" I am so confused now.

Can we really make this work? He hasn't expressed remorse at losing sight of OW# 1 and 2 that I can detect....but wouldn't he HAVE to be missing them?

My God. I can't believe I wrote that...I can't believe I care whethere he does or not. I think I'm going batty.

Just Learning....Are you out there?

Married,

Oh Boy! What am I going to tell you???? Ok, let's start with the fact that Harley lists sex as an EMOTIONAL NEED. Think about this very carefully. For most men, and I am one of them, physical intimacy IS THE WAY we bond emotionally and you not meeting that need nor realizing the importance of it does two things.

1. It causes great frustration on his part: physical and emotional.

2. It tells him that you don't regard his needs as important as YOUR needs and in fact you invalidate his very being which is at least one part sexual. Do you see the DJ in that?

How can you have a marriage and surely an equal marriage if he has to "beg" to have sex once every 6 weeks or so? He is not a dog, he is not your child, he is your HUSBAND. You really need to get this into your consciousness, you denying him sex and making him "beg" for it is and has been killing your marriage.

Would you like to "beg" to have money to go shopping? Would you like to "beg" to have him take you to dinner? Would you like to have him "beg" to tell you he loves you? I doubt it would last too long.

I am not saying he hasn't made a seriousl mistake. Frankly, before he decided to have affairs he should have divorced you. This is not about the topic you posted is it?
You see an "older" woman can meet his needs as can one "young enough to be our daughter".

I still recommend that you refrain from intimate contact until STD tests, but I would suggest you consider some counseling and thought concerning your view of sex and how you view him because he desires it.

As you can tell I think you have some work to do as well as he does in order to rebuild this marriage.

Consider how this thought has affected your marriage
You are NOT his mother, you are his WIFE.

I will close by repeating a comment you made and suggesting that you do some serious reading of Dr. Harley's thoughts on needs.
Most people do know it is important, and surely the male population for the most part does. However, if you want to see the opposite side of this go read Aphrodite's posts on Recovery. Her complaint???? Her H does not give her enough sex and in the variety she desires sooooooo, she has 5 or 6 affairs.

Please do some reading, and please remain calm. From all indications IF you get your act together, your H will in fact do his part to help rebuild this marriage. You should recognize how lucky you are.

God Bless,

JL

Married

I am so sorry for all the pain you are in at the moment. We have all been there. Please know IT WILL get better. Everything you are feeling is utterly normal and all part of a process. The best thing you can do at the moment is to read as much as you possibly can. Educate yourself so you will be better equipped to handle any emotions you may have. It will help you to be proactive v. reactive and avoid LB's. In addition to what you read here, another excellent resource is "after the affair" by Janis A Spring. If you and your H are able, read it together and see if you cant open a dialogue about what he felt, and hw that affects you. Remember that anger is really hurt. If you can get to a place where you are able to express your hurt *without* LBing - it will be easier for your H to respond in a way you need.

The choices your H has made are entirely his. HE owns them. You failed to meet an important emotional need of his , true. But, he could have chosen to deal with that in a healthier fashion.

JL is absolutely correct, however. You need to try to see things through your H's eyes at the moment. Sex is not an important need for you but it clearly is for him. Please try to understand that. Every day, people make poor decisions that jeopardize their relationships because emotional needs are not being met. Maybe it is sex, maybe it is affection or attention, perhaps something else. The point is, it doesnt matter WHAT the need is. What matters is identifiying them, discovering what the dynamic is between the 2 of you that creates an environment for you to be able to not meet it and fix it.

Now, on to the A. BOTH A's need to be exposed, period. By doing so, you are destroying the environment in which they thrive. NC needs to be established and any consequences of the A's are your H's. You want you protect your H from any violence and that is understandable. However, he needs to face the consequences of his actions. If he does not, then he isnt going to learn from his actions. There is ALWAYS a price to be paid. Dont protect him from that.

Your H needs to be completely transparent and on board with recovery. That means total honesty and understand that there is much he needs to do for you to get to a place where you can start to heal. Therapy , both IC and MC is critical and much introspection needs to take place. He needs to start asking some hard questions about him, his views on relationships.

Hang in there. The bottom line is , if you want your M - you can save it. But, first - you need to normalize your feelings and get both feet on the ground.

Married

Before you found out about both affairs, how was your H at meeting your needs?

The reason I ask is because for most women, the desire to have sex is wrapped up in emotions. It's about feeling cherished and loved and feeling like the most beautiful girl in the world outside of the bedroom.

So I wonder, if your low desire for sex was influenced by your emotional needs not being met or something else, like hormones, childhood issues, or past relationship issues.

Can a lack of sex make a grown man destroy his marriage? Yes.

I'm really sorry this is happening to you. I don't have the good advice to give like all of the others here, as I've never been in the situation of a cheating spouse, nor have I cheated. All I can give you is that I am a male, and males do some really wierd things when it comes to sex. That doesn't excuse his behavior. Mostly, I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you, and wish you the best.

OK,
Just Learning, rubydoo, JustKim and ReprobateMind, I hear you now...I hear you loud and clear. Quite a few issues have been succintly put into perspective for me now, and in plain English! I appreciate this so much, as my WH is not, and has never been a talker.

You have each opened my eyes to emotional needs issues, that I had merely glossed over. First of all, My WH and I were teen sweethearts.I have had no other sex partners. Rubydoo, I may have repressed sexual feelings, as I started fighting my husband off on prom night.

I have withheld sex and meted it out on my own terms and schedule. I can't deny that I made him beg. That was how our sex life began, and I swear to God, I never, ever thought of this before. That being said, our R is both romantic and erotic once we DID have sex.

Just Learning, I really am able to turn up the heat...the furnace just has a very low pilot light. I am only fearful that he has learned to seek out "new" pleasures that I may not be able to counteract. There seems to be some really steamy text messaging that went between my WH and the younger OW. I don't even know if I can keep up with that...I've never sent a darn text message in my life!

You guys all direct me to understand the EN sections and I must confess, I glossed over these. In my pain, I just wanted this A to be over. I just wanted the visions in my head to stop. I wanted my flawed "trophy" life back and I now see that I denied my WH an important aspect of marriage. Stupid. Smug. Naive. I was all of these.

Just Learning, you are so correct. My husband is not my child. In my desire to continue to nurture in the absence of my adult children, I have begun to "mother" my husband. It was truly becoming a scene from the movie, "Come Back Little Sheba."

We are going to get through this. I am learning, reading and praying...and not necessarily in that order. I love my husband deeply and he has said the same, repeatedly before the A and since DDay. I want to thank you all. I want to say thank you from the depth of my heart. We need a new start. I do so hope that it isn't too late. Yes, Just Learning, I do realize that I'm lucky. I just pray that the counseling will enable us to talk to one another in a more meaningful way. We have appointments in place for counseling and check-ups.

I am so very grateful for the guidance...I could kiss you all....I am now going to reserve that affection for my WH and go put my "freakin' dress" on.

Just Learning, thank you for the verbal butt kicking. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Married30,

Well, as butt kicking goes <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />, this wasn't much of one and you didn't need much of one. You did say something that I thought I would respond to. You said
Ok, let's get down to it shall we. I haven't met a single man, that isn't absolutely attracted to an "enthusiastic" partner in bed. And I can tell you right now, a man that has an "enthusiastic" WIFE in bed is a man to be envied. Those women have no chance to compare to you, if you view your sex life as something YOU enjoy, and you want. Enthusiasm is THE BEST sexual stimulant.

Isn't it time you and your H opened up about your desires, the things you like, the things you would like to try? Isn't time you wore that man out. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Trust me if you come to him with enthusiasm, you haven't a thing to worry about in this department. And here is a little secret that just might get me thrown out of the frat. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> Be a little selfish in bed. Make sure You enjoy the experience and tell him what YOU need. You won't understand this, but men really enjoy it when their spouse is satisfied. It is part of our performance complex, <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> You know, size, and that sort of thing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

You have history on your side, you have love on your side, and you have a remorseful spouse on your side. It won't be a walk in the park but all is in place to not only recover your marriage but take it to a new level. Heck, if you H can face this, what could he be afraid of talking about now? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> The same goes for you.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

Married

Once again, JL is right. ( No big surprise there.) Not only do you need to be selfish, you also need to discover what your H can do for YOU that will make him irresistable to you. If he starts meeting YOUR needs, meeting his will be so easy.

Im always struck by the fact that I never really knew how be in a sucessful relationship until I came here and learned mb principles. It sure would have been great to learn all this without the pain of an A but Im so grateful I do know.

You and your H now have a chance to completely recreate your M. It can be better than it ever was. I have no doubt it will be.

All the best to you

That's wonderful married!

But remember, you aren't the only one who needs to learn how to meet emotional needs. Your H needs to learn to meet yours because if he is the only one getting his needs met, all this enthusiasm you have right now will burn out sooner or later.

He also needs to help you heal from his A and he needs to figure out why he told himself it was okay to have an A in the first place...lack of sex doesn't make it okay.

I hope your H is enthusiastic as you are!

Best Wishes!

AT least your husband is aware that your sexual rejection of him has something to do with his decision to begin these affairs. You don't know how many men and women take those kinds of actions without making the connections to the underlying feelings that compel them--in other words you have actually saved yourself time and money (on therapy). You have a pretty good idea what the problem or part of the problem might be.


You might as well save more time and money and cut to the chase: Ask your husband what it feels like to be with a woman who loves to be with him physically--what a difference that makes to him--and the way that makes him feel about himself and life in general. Ask him if he felt like he had to beg you for sex and if that humiliated him.

Being with someone who wants sex as much as he does--is he willing to give that up? You say he is--that must mean that he does truly love and want you, right? That is really something special around here! But will he still feel wildly conflicted? On the one hand he will probably ALWAYS feel entitled to a fullfilling sex life; on the other hand he doesn't want to leave his marriage. Is he going to have to give one or the other up? Or are you willing to admit that he is entitled to sexual fullfillment?

You are right that it is his own lack of moral compass--but I wonder, where you never worried about him being around all these students who were going to idolize him? It's like a person with a weight problem and no satisfying food at home who has to work in a bakery!

Hi Married, I know you are hurt right now....please don't ever forget that God knows too and promised to be your comforter and friend if you will let Him, an ever present help in times of trouble. Remember, No weapon formed against you will prosper! Put on a garment of praise for a spirit of heaviness. He will never leave you or forsake you. God loves marriage and loves you, God is able to do a mighty work here and be glorified in the outcome! I will continue to pray for you and your H. I'm glad you moved over to this part of the site, see how much great advice you get here! I'm going to chime in on the sex issue....to be blunt I'm a 48 year old woman with the sex drive of a 16 year old boy....I feed my H A LOT of vitamines, he calls me the energizer bunny! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> As cute as all that sounds, sex has definately been an issue in our M. When I'm interested and my H is not, that rejection feels like not just a decline of sex at that moment but of me completely, it makes me profoundly sad, jittery, angry, resentful, suspicious and thankful that I honor my commitments and fear God or who knows what might happen! I wonder (guys chime on in here) if men feel it that way too when their women say no. I would never have an affair but did tell my H once that he was putting me in a very precarious position by saying no. Sex is incredibly powerful, knowing you are desired is intoxicating....these things are not love but can be mistaken for it. From what you have written your H loves you. It sounds like you will have a stronger marriage on the other side of this. Perhaps if you make a decision to meet his needs it will teach him to better meet yours. Perhaps you may even discover an intimacy you never knew before by becoming his lover, not just his love. Take good care of you and take advantage of the collected wisdom of all the wonderful people here.