thank you just learning, you worded it perfectly. "a higher class of man" and you know what? i certainly have one of those now.

amen!

mlhb

((( M430 )))

So sorry you find yourself in the situation that you are in, but you certainly made a very smart choice in finding and posting on this mb...Just keep listening to the wise posters here and you will not only endure, but change and grow, along with your marriage in all probability.

Iced tea.......... about 30 cents
Computer.......... about 700 dollars
MB Posters ....... priceless

My husband too had an affair with a much younger woman... one that lasted for years and he still may be hanging on to it. I am a couple of years older than you are, so I know exactly how (well pretty close) you are feeling.

I am certainly, in no way, making light of your painful situaiton, but at least, from my POV, be thankful that your husband has admitted his failings and your's to you, and that you now have a place in which to build from.

My husbands affair was years long and he will not even ADMIT that it happened.. He is a conflict avoider in the highest degree !! Me - ahh... not so much...

I do see your marriage as not only repairable but one that is stronger and deeper for you both...

Don't you ??

Oh Carnation, I am so sorry....I get ill thinking of a younger woman lacking in moral character to cheat with a MM. Silly and outdated is my thinking, if I just sit in the teacher's lounge and listen. The strange thing is this: I was NOT EVER in tune to these conversations before.

Oh, I knew a few of the younger teachers were promiscuous. I knew a few of the male teachers vamped and glommed onto any new and fresh face that entered into the school arena...but I was so in love with my own secure and smug little world. I never let their conversations enter into my consciousness. I never thought it applied to my own R. How vain. How naive and prim I was.

Do I understand that you think your H is still involved with the OW? My God...I am so sorry. I'm sorry we are both here, but I do have hope for my M. Thank you for responding, offering an empathetic ear and knowing how this has affected me (from one er...slightly older woman to another). I wish for healing of your M too. God bless you.

JustLearning and Reprobatemind! MB friends!

I have my books!! It's like the first day of class. I spent the early part of the evening in the bookstore, sipping coffee and reading.

The hardest part was asking for the book, "Surviving An Affair." I put on my game face and tried to look as though I was just looking for an interesting little ditty to read. I really didn't have to bother, because the clerk just pulled it out of hiding and slapped it on the counter, with no further ado. (I might add that it was the last copy and I was so relieved to have it in my hands, at last).

I will admit that I feel empowered with this new tool. Somehow, it feels as though I have now "invested" in my future with my WH. It is strangely moving...I sat there with tears in my eyes, under my sunglasses reading the first case study. Dr. Harley's explanations and descriptions seem so much more poignant in the printed form, versus my reading on this site.

I felt so sad sitting there in the coffee section. I must also confess that the A came back in waves...no anger this time, just an overwhelming outpouring of misery and sadness.

I already recognize myself...I REALLY saw the words and truly heard them for the first time...Every marriage is vulnerable. EVERY MARRIAGE!! Who knew? I certainly thought my WH and I were insulated from this particular pain this time around.

It is apparent, that I didn't truly learn from the A twenty years ago. The problem of unmet EN's of my WH were addressed then. Mine were as well, but it seems that I forgot all about my own and distanced myself from his.

So, I am writing this evening with renewed hope and vigor. I guess I'm still on that darn rollercoaster. I was ambivalent when leaving for work this morning, as this is his first day of retirement. I envisioned him calling OW, but I put it out of my mind and said a quick prayer for us both. He goes for IC in the morning, and I am so anxious for communication. I crave it. I want us to begin anew.

My last point is this. I began to read last week on another site, which is also dedicated to infidelity, etc. It was not a good match for me, as the posters were much more bitter and well......I didn't register, because the "fit" just wasn't right. I would become angrier and angrier with my WH, OW#1 and OW#2.

I never got to read the information contained within the site, only the very depressed, sad and angry posters. The respondents were just as angry. Empathetic, yes, but angry to be sure. In the midst of my storm, I was finding it more and more difficult to pray. I was emerging from my little office more and more enraged, every time I visited the two different boards. It is a relief to have purchased my reading materials and to reconcile myself to the MB concepts.

I am very relieved to be here. I am very grateful to be here. I am extremely thankful to be given another chance to redeem myself, stop being verbally abusive <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> and reclaim my M, JustLearning.

Pssst, Married,

Want to have some fun???? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> Leave your Surviving an Affair lying about when you go to school. Don't say anything just leave it where your H "just might stumble" up on it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Don't say anything, don't question if he glanced at it, just leave it about when you are off doing something. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Now you know us guys, we don't do relationships and buying a relationship book....PULLEEEZE. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> The book will do him a lot of good, but only IF he reads it for himself. You will find a much better explanation of everything here in the books as well as His Needs Her Needs. Harley is basic, pragmatic, and right on.

We can offer you help because these things have a pattern...a strong pattern. So it doesn't take much to realize what the next step is.

You are doing well Married, much better than you realize, and I think that this whole experience will lead you and your H to some places in your marriage you have never been, good places. It will take some time, some tears, some "scar tissue on the tongue", that would be for you Married. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

But, this can be done. Hang in there.

God Bless,

JL

Yo, JustLearning. That's cold, dude. Thats just plain wrong. I mean, I would really hate it if she left that book, in, say, the teacher's lounge will all of the newly minted teachers who tramp around with the older married men and caused some commotion. And I would HATE to hear all of the jui..er...sad details about uncomfortable glances to each other around the room if a certain person were to do that. It would also be tragic if a certain poster's husband glanced at the book.

This would be horrible! It might cause hurt feelings and feelings of guilt to those who screw around in marriages, and we can't have and crises of conscious at an institute of higher learning can we?

Excuse me while I pry my tongue out of my cheek.

ReprobateMind, I am continually amused and amazed by JustLearning. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Don't worry, I would NEVER take my book to work, for fear my principal would think I was trying to entrap him.

My principal is an equal opportunity CHEATER. He gives everyone a chance...He's especially adept at ensnaring the young teachers, but has had trysts with at least two disgruntled older teachers who were willing to talk in private. We now have a young and attractive janitor who has a penchant for tight jeans...Her summer at the school will more than likely result in her becoming the latest "Clean Up Woman."

Now, JustLearning, your idea of leaving the book for my WH is very intriguing. While I always respected his privacy, aka secrecy, he is quite nosey. He won't be able to resist, so I'll leave it tomorrow. He will never mention it though, in any shape, form or fashion. That's just the way he is after he's snooped.

My WH's IC began today and he said he was able to talk openly during the session. He shared that he was asked what he would do if he saw the OW#1 out and about. He said, "Well, if she was with someone, I'd just walk right by, but if she was alone, I'd just say hello." "That's it." "Just hello." I'm thinking to myself, "Right...Just hello." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

At some point the counselor mentioned HIV testing (results came back negative today) and that he must observe NC ! My WH thinks this is something he can do. He insists that it was only sex. He also said the text messaging was thrilling, as it was sexual in content.

We were able to sit and talk calmly. Did you hear me, JustLearning? My tongue is just learning as well.

WH says that he disagrees with my assessment of his A when I mention that there may be more involved than sex. After all, he admitted that he purchased her a $150. gold necklace on Valentine's Day, after insisting he'd only purchased candy. He stonewalled for two entire days until he confessed.

You MB friends must understand...my WH does not like to spend money....he's a tiny bit cheap. For him to have spent this amount of money is equivalent to the diamond from the Titanic. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

I reiterated that he must have a plan and today he was a bit more focused. He has said that he has begun the plan by deciding to have IC and the STD tests. He is still pretty vague, but he said he will try to restore my trust, by showing me in daily acts.

This is more than he was able to articulate in the past. SIGH. I used to think we were a good match in high school, because he was the strong and SILENT jock...I was the more mature, yet talkative cheerleader. Look at us now. He told me today, that I have said things about OW and the A that are untrue and that I am saying things according to what I would have done or thought. This may be very true. My goal tomorrow is to be a more attentive listener.

If you think I type a lot, you should hear me talk! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> I'm sensitive too, though. I am the one at the party who will make you feel comfortable if you don't know anyone...I will be dying inside myself with shyness....but I will interact. I wish I had been more of a listener to my WH. I thought I was. I still admire him so much...He has such good qualites. You would like him. Most people do and would be shocked at his latest behavior. I'm just so disappointed in him now.

And so, my friends, I am going to read more tonight and say my prayers. Again, I thank you all, as my rollercoaster held steady today. No two days have been the same.....

married - I really enjoy your writing. And I think things are going to be just fine for you and your husband. It will take some work, but I expect you to have a better marriage than before.

So you are NOT going to take the book to work and let the "clean up woman" and all of the disgruntled wayward wives look at it? Darn, I mean, good, because that would be cold-blooded. :-( I mean :-)

Just Learning, please. I need you now.
Today, I encountered DDay2...My WH has been lying to me for the past two weeks. I finished a few chapters in SA and it made me wonder. Everything was right on the money, except one thing... My WH gave up OW#1 too quickly for it to have the ring of truth for me, in my heart.

I was right. He pleaded with me to come home.

When I returned, everything just unraveled, no matter what I had tried to do or say. When he became angry, it was then that I knew, and said to myself, "You just wouldn't listen...You had to do it your own way....You have pried and snooped and now, your husband has reached his point of no return." He continued to promise and plead, that he had NC.


As I said, my reading in the SA kicked in periodically and I was eerily calm. I had to be, because NOW my WH is telling me that I caused this matter to escalate out of control...He said I just had to keep digging and snooping until I "flipped him, flopped him and turned him inside out." He kept saying, "Why?" "Why didn't you just let me do it my way?" "You just wouldn't stop." "So now you know I'm a liar." "I'll get out of your life." "Just kick my *** out of here."

Sadly. Perhaps stupidly, I decided then and there, that if I could endure this much pain, then I would begin a Plan A that was not corrupt. You know, he is so right...I did instinctively know...I couldn't shake the doubt. I have loved and lived with this man for 30 years...I just didn't realize the depth of his involvement.

SA states that WH will lie and lie ever so vehemently, but this is one for the books...it's probably one for THAT book.

We called the phone co. and he got an even NEWER #, which he did NOT give to me.

He raged and cried himself to sleep. I sit here and type, while I quietly die inside. I just thought I was fearful before. This is now in another realm.

How do you stand it here? Don't you just hate the stupidity and naivity of a poster who'd plead for advice and support....and then fail to follow through?

He vacillated between pledging love for me, saying it was still "just sex" and cursing and vowing that I could never forget this episode in our marriage.

Now I yearn to return to yesterday. Isn't that just about the most ridiculous and sad story you have ever heard?

Sorry to hear the news. WSs can be so evil....


This was a mistake. You should never *threaten* exposure. You should just do it. The time between your threat and your action will be used by a WS to gaslight their spouse into thinking you're some sort of crazy woman, that you're uttering lies, that you set this all up yourself, etc.

Fortunately, it's a mistake that is easily fixed.

Hi Married:

Unfortunately, no, it's not the most ridiculous and sad story I've heard. It is very similar to many of the stories here. You are NOT ALONE in this.

I agree with MiM- please talk to OW's husband today. He really needs to know what's going on, and he can be a strong ally for you. Your husband is irrational right now. He will improve after "no contact" has been solidified.

Hang in there.
~Saturn

Married for 30,

I've been married for 33 next week. Check my sig line...I know what you're feeling, sort of. (EA not PA).

I feel for you but you've got great help.

Like the book title, YOU CAN SURVIVE. I endured what you're experiencing with no MB support....and survived to receive an absolute miracle...once the fog lifted from my WH.

Keep posting ..... we're here for you....well, others are....I can't post from work, but I can pray.

Ace

My W had online interactions just like Ace's H. online video, some phone contact, and email. At the same time avoiding anything physical with me for the last 7 years.

We are just now starting to figure out what went wrong. a year and a half after the last incident. There has been no additional contact other than one text message which she told me about and responded appropriately to.

I'm just glad we are figuring things out now instead of many more years down the road. Married, there's always hope for you no matter what path you have to take. One of the issues I had to deal with was finding my identity in myself and not in someone else. I Had the for the first time to realize I could live my life with or without my wife. Once I got to that point, I had to make a decision to want to live that life that I could live myself, with or without her. I chose to do it with her. But the power I have now is that I'm my own person independant of her and can stand up for that person now. You are your own person and can live life with or without your H. You sound like a great person and can be that person no matter what happens, that is who you are.

If you want to try to continue to save this, try to see a good marriage counselor asap with your H if possible, if not go by yourself. And start sweeping up the pieces one piece at a time, one day at a time.

BTW Married, my Wife did the same thing when I confronted her. The second time I confronted her, she flat out lied to me. I asked her if she's had contact with him and hinted I had proof, she wouldn't admit it until I showed her the proof then she was angry. Even though her's was online, it had similar reactions and outcomes. No one likes the bad things in life to be exposed!

Thank you. Thank you all. Please help me to pray my way through this, as I'm struggling.

I stayed home today and he did give me the new number. I love him. I just do. I'm not ashamed to say that, even though I know many would have done as my WH suggested and kick him out. He's contrite today. Last night he was a warrior for injustice.

I still don't know if he's sincere. This is so hard.

He's sincere for the moment, but he's an addict who is addicted to OW. If OW is married, contact her H today, and expose this to him. This is your best weapon against this affair. You will also have another set of eyes watching your spouses. Don't EVER be afraid of a WS. The just try to use your fear to manipulate you into getting what they want. They are just bullying you. The way to beat a bully is to stand up to them. Stand up to your WH.

Good afternoon Married, I don't post often but I check in to see how you are doing every day and pray for you often. There are some very wise and experienced folks here so just hold on and you will get through this. Also, and most important, remember that God knows you and knows what you are going through and more than anything else, He will never let you down. The battle is not yours, it's the Lords! So turn your husband over to Him and pray that God give you the wisdom, patience, love and sheer nerve to get through this. He absolutely, positively will! God is an ever present help in times of trouble. He will never leave you or forsake you. He will hold you in the palm of His hands. You hide in the shadow of His wings. Read Psalms, and enjoy the peace that is provided for you in this storm. I will continue to lift you and your husband up in prayer, I will pray as well for the OW and her husband, things are probably a little hot in their kitchen too. Take good care of yourself, you are going to be FINE!

(((((Married)))))

Married,

Sorry this has happened again. First lesson from this is to "trust your instincts", they are usually right. Now to some thoughts.

First the issue of NC is that of your H's not OW's. However, exposing her to her H will help and will surely help her H.

It is not uncommon for there to be multiple D-days, it is the nature of addiction as others have already said. Still it is a pain.

And THEN, and THEN, and THEN, the fog broke out. He said
This my dear lady is known as THE FOG around here. Do you see any logic to this or at least logic you would ascribe to a normal human being? Nope, just justification. Everything would be fine IF you did not find me lying and cheating...:D Don't you just love it? This all your fault and HE is the one doing it. If this stuff wasn't so serious the complete silliness of it would make you laugh.

It seems you are a good student Married. The book is helping you. Isn't amazing how you can almost predict what they are going to say and do. Keep reading you will then hear more.

You said
Can you hear the fog horn blowing its mournful sound? I can. Hang in there Married.


Nope, sorry this is pretty normal really. Sigh!!! But, are better armed to handle it and you will do well. I am certain of that.

Time and patience Married, this will pass.

God Bless,

JL

Oh, JustLearning. I am so shaky and tearful now. Part of it is due to the most recent ordeal.

WH and I just returned from an afternoon of bonding and shopping.








He was supposed to gaslight me and lull me into a comfort zone. I blew the cover when I showed up at her apt. and left that note.



I don't understand a few things...How in the world did OW convince her BS to go along for this outrageous ride? I imagine that she showed him all of the messages from WH, who continued to contact her even after the NC letter was mailed. I just don't get it!! He drove her to my house, so she could lambast me. WH My WH played us both! He was still trying to appease and please us both! This truly is an addiction. I get it completely now.

We talked more after the police left with a few more pointed remarks directed to WH. His parting remark, so WH could hear was, "Lady, I'm sorry this happened...but maybe you and the Mr. need to go talk to somebody....if you're still thinking of keeping him." His words ring in my ears, even now.

I think this does it for THIS particular OW. I can't take this kind of low and gutteral behavior. I told WH as much. He vowed all sorts of wondrous things. He repeatedly says he's sorry, but deep down? I think he blames me for initiating the house visits. Oh. This is just so low, gutteral and unlike anything I've done in my life. I must be careful going out and about now. So will WH. I keep thinking......Am I doing this right? Do I just let this aging lothario leave my life? I know. The decision is mine...I have decided to keep him.

Finally, tonight I believe that he wants me. Especially in light of the competition. I'm speaking tongue in cheek, but you know what I mean. He wants me, because she turned on him and ran into the arms of her BS. Life is so strange. I just want to love and live through this.

My MB friends, I thank you. I continue to say this. I have revealed most of this to my family...finally. I have to confess, that this was heartbreaking for me to do. I do know that the exposure should have come sooner. I just hadn't read enough and trusted the concepts. Thank you for still encouraging me to make sound decisions. I promise you, I am not "seedy", regardless of what has just happened in the past 24 hours. Somehow, I do want you to know that.

JustLearning...I just don't want you to be disappointed in me. I know it sounds really silly...but it's how I feel.

I am so out of my element in all of this. I am embarassed beyond words....and I still think there are more awful things that will occur with this OW and BS. The WH is numb.

You did just fine. Addictions die hard, but I would be willing to bet that the HUMILIATION of this latest episode, and your calmness will make your husband realize what a crazy mistake he has made.

And do be very careful. We did have one WW who attacked the BS and put her in the hospital when the BS exposed the affair. Keep vigilant.