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MF30,

Finding the power that you have in yourself is going to be what sets you free from all of this.

Healthy mind, body, and spirit are the MB trifecta.

Any one of these that suffers causes the sufferance of the other.

Concentrate on yourself and your well being and everything else will fall into place when you work the MB plan.


Plank.

My "Feelings on Honesty", My "Reasons why:", The Affair World

Without MB we knew just enough about M to be danjrus.
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Letting you know .... you have not done/said/thrown one single thing that has shocked me ... !

You are [color:"red"] EGG ZAK LEE[/color] where you should be .... given the circumstances.

you are not nutz
you are not wrong

this is a sh*t pile .... and you are shoveling as fast as you can

do not beat yourself up for errors/wrong turns

really
trust me
you're fine
you're better than fine
you're in better shape than the prof

get rid of the green-socks shrink
.... too creepy

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So Married I have a few questions for you.

Did you go with the "heater" or "the hook" using the lamp? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />
Also, are you a "southpaw" or a "righty"? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />
Did you wave the catcher off and just go with what you felt was right? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

You do know that aliens beamed down from the mothership COULD be considered an endangered species don't you? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

At least here on the "left" coast they probably are considered endangered. Midwest and south they are probably just considered varmits.

So sounds like everything is going well in the Married household: the alien is trying to figure out what planet he is on. The Earthling is try to decide if eradicating the alien is a good idea.

Hang in there you are doing JUST FINE. Seriously, you are. You are learning and growing and your perspective on things is changing. My guess is that when the Mothership beams down your H, he will start to get with the program as well. It takes time, the Mothership is probably out behind Jupiter right now.

Hang in there Girl, you are actually doing well. Now please read Harley's article on how to pick a good counselor. You clearly know what a bad counselor is: green socks and sandals, that should have been a clue. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> You will know better from now on.

God Bless,

JL

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So Married I have a few questions for you.

Did you go with the "heater" or "the hook" using the lamp?
Also, are you a "southpaw" or a "righty"?
Did you wave the catcher off and just go with what you felt was right?


Still ROFLMAO, JL!

Married,

After D-Day #3, I only threw a few out-of-character F-Bombs at H, but the same rage came over me when I was driving and I nearly threw my car into a concrete bridge abutment.

When I told H about it, he called mental health, got an immediate appt. for him (or so I thought) but when I showed up to support him, I found out it was for me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Suicide attempts warrant immediate appts. Supposedly when he called for help with his compulsive lying (my idea) they said it would be a week, so he told them about my near-date-with-bridge and they said to get me there ASAP!....but he didn't tell me that part until I arrived. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

We got through it Married, and so will you.....especially since you have MB posters to help. Wish I had.

Ace


FWH/BW (me)57+ M:36+ yr.
4 D-Days: Jun-Nov 06 E/PA~OW#2 (OW#1 2000)
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Hi Married, Thanks for the visit, perhaps next time you stop in I'll make some lemon cake and chai latte and we can chat.....about aliens and heavy weeks and how we are going to be so bright and beautiful on the other side of this because our Heavenly Father refines gold by burning out the impurities. We are His children. No weapon formed against us will prosper! Ever! Period! He will never give us more than we can handle (sometimes I wonder about that) He will never leave us or forsake us (our aliens could learn a lot from that, yes?)

I admire your writing style, so fluent and elegant. It gives me something to reach for, thank you.

I pray for you often and know that God is with you constantly. My mom told me something I will share with you, it helps me when I'm sad and lonely and hurt:

Imagine that you are sitting in your Heavely Fathers lap, he is big and strong and loves you like an only precious child.You are very safe and loved there. Now imagine that his arms are around you and his hands are cupped together in front of you like they are holding water. Now make your hands into the same cup above His. Place ALL of your concerns, hurts, fears, worries, anger, and sorrows one by one into your cupped hands. Are they all in there, good. Now, dear daughter, open your hands and let all of that fall into the hands of your Father.

Go in peace.


BS Me 48 WH 45 Married 7-10-04 DDay 6-1-07 DS13 (my star, his step) 3 cats (short hairy family)
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By the way Married and all of your fans, your thread has become a delighful place to be, thanks to all of you wild and wonderful MB postrs for the smiles through the tears! I really needed that today.


BS Me 48 WH 45 Married 7-10-04 DDay 6-1-07 DS13 (my star, his step) 3 cats (short hairy family)
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Married,

The lamp was a good one. Contact with the prof. head might have been messy but entertaining....mmmm did I say that?

You are, it seems, rediscovering yourself. Being forced into this life altering situation has forced you to step back and take a look at YOU, and this can ONLY be a good thing. When you are forced to look at yourself like that you see things you never saw before and discover things you have needed to discover for a long time.

The prof. is VERY lucky to have YOU, he should be putting you on a pedastal and treating you with admiration. It is a two way street. You will be(and already are) so much stronger from this. You will come out of this a new and improved WOMAN!! Whatever the outcome you will be forever changed for the better.

Keep posting here no matter what you think you did or are embarassed about. You know we love you and are rooting for you from all of our corners!!!!


P.S. to JL,
You are such an ispiration and have been blessed with so many words of wisdom...thank you!! (and you make me laugh!)

dhd


Me - 37
DS - 12


Who is the happiest of men? He who values the merits of others, and in their pleasure takes joy, even as though 'twere his own.
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Hi Married,

You said:

Quote
While still asking questions, I asked him HOW could he talk to a 28 year old for 134 min. and barely have anything to say to me on the phone? "Do you need bread" is NOT what the OW got...It IS what I got!

This is not my husband. This monosyllabic nitwit has taken my husband.

I ask you...Is this fair? These OW get the sexy, hunky, text messaging guy, and I get THIS guy!!!


I asked the same thing....in fact, I printed the emails to her and the emails to me, put them in a binder, took them to our previous MC and asked the same question as you. Emails to her were long, flowing, full of promises for the future....just what I had wanted him to write to me for years.

His emails to me were short, abrupt, perfunctory.

He had spent hours on the phone with her, fantasizing about their life together. He let my calls go into voice mail and seldom called me back to ask "Do you need bread?"

Previous MC told H to 'step it up a bit in the romance area'. Sounded good, but was impossible given what I learned later from MB.

....That the alien inhabitation that makes WS's do uncharacteristic things is very real but can be temporary.....

...that the fantasy is deeply rooted and perpetuated by the thrill of the adventure (in my H's case 'just getting away with it' was exhilarating),.....

..... and that the fog enshrouding the alien fantasy was not going to go away until withdrawal was complete......weeks or months after the WS decides to commit and recover the marriage.

Married, I wish I could refer you to a time-machine that would fast-forward you past this pain we've all had to endure.

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I am still here. I have not posted lately, because I have failed to adhere to the MB principles. I was both embarassed and ashamed to admit this, especially after everyone was so generous with their time and well wishes for my M.


The absolute worst thing you could do, short of manslaughter <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />, would be to quit posting because you felt that your thoughts/actions would be disappointing to those of us who care.

To the contrary, sharing your honest feelings, lamp-launching episodes and re-occuring frustrations will help you get through withdrawal intact.

YOU CAN DO THIS, Married. I would not have believed it, either, but the alien/fantasy/fog will dissapate with time. Be patient, post often, even if it's as short as: "AAAAargh!"

As others with far more experience than me have said, "Your time-line fits in with what is to be expected."

Hang in there and let us encourage you by sharing what's been happening when you can.

Ace

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There you are! I was wondering where you went off to. Lamp launching. I thought I saw something shadowing the space shuttle went it launched the other day.

You want Bill and Hillary's MC? Here it is..."Well, Hillary, I got caught. Again. Hmm, damn."

Hil - "Yes, Bill, you SO owe me big time. I've kept with your fat [censored] while you were playing president, now its my turn, just like we talked about back in '92."

Bill- "Well, um, yeah. So what do you have in mind?"

Hil - "You are going to make a mint off of your speaking engagements and that book deal that you are having ghost written. You know, if we divorce, I will make a bundle, and get to tell MY side of the story."

Bill - (GULP!) "Hey, wait. That also means if we divorce, I get to tell MY side of the story as well, like that time that you and Vince...

Hil - "OK OK! Tell you what. We will live in separate houses, on your dime, of course. You live in the city, and you can just buy me a house somewhere quiet."

Bill - "Like Martha's Vinyard?"

Hil- "Hel.l no! I know who lives there! Don't you try an end run so you can be with that slut Carly! I know that that horse-faced Babs hangs out there, too! Just buy me a house in Westchester. I suppose that will do."

Bill - "Why live in New York?"

Hil - "There is a Senate slot opening up there. Some guy named Lazio is the GOP front-runner. Piece of cake."

B-ll - "But you have to actually be a resident of the state to run for Senate, you know this! You've lived in Arkansas most of your adult life! You've never lived in New York!"

Hil - "So? There are enough stupid people in New York that will vote for me. The city alone will give me the votes. Buy me a house in Westchester, I establish residency, New York votes me in, simple as that."

Bill - "Well, yeah, I can see that. What if Rudy runs against you, though?" He IS kind of popular there..."

Hil - "Well, Bill, then you might have to recall that party you had with Rudy while I was in Florida..."

Bill - "Enough. I think I can tell Rudy not to run this time, but when his wife finds out, thats it. Then I can't protect you anymore. I can keep in out in 2000, but if he wants to run in say, 2008, I can't stop him unless he gets caught with his pants down again."

Hil - "Sounds familiar. Just let me worry about 2008, OK?"

Bill - "Sigh. OK, but Jesse wants to run, too. He has enough stroke to try to get the Dem. nominee slot..."

Hil - "Already got that one covered. Check the papers in the next few weeks. Lets just say that he and Bill Cosby have a lot in common."

Bill - "Doh! I have taught you too much!"

Hil - "Well, he learned from you, Bill."




And that was the extent of the marriage counseling session of Bill and Hillary. Do you really want that?

Good to hear from you again. I can't give you any better advice than what you have already seen, but I hope that this post killed some time and made you smile. Cheers!

Seriously, please keep checking in, even if it is just to vent.

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Hello MB Friends!

I want to sincerely thank you all...I am doing fine? If you all think this is so, then I will try my very best to believe it. For your information, JL, I am a southpaw by nature, but I have the ability to change it up. I am somewhat ambidextrous, which was truly a gift when playing sandlot "piggy." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Pepperband, I love the phrase, egg zack lee! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I hope I've spelled it correctly. It brought such a broad smile to my face. I seem to be starved for signposts of my competence lately.

My WH and I had a pleasnt-enough weekend...My retirement is looming and I have been weepy. There are at least five phone messages daily, cards and constant pop-visits from so many students from my past. I have been at this school for over 30 years! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> One of the reasons that I never transfered or "moved up" was because of my students.

Whenever a parent has died, I am called. When a new child is born, I get a visit or a picture. If a favorite student is incarcerated, I will see them before and after their jail stint. As a very young bride, I even had 3 students in my wedding to the professor, against my parents' wishes. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

During my career, I have even sadly eulogized a few. I've helped write obituaries, attended countless weddings..........You guys get the picture.

My emotions are just running away with me this week. I guess what I am trying to convey is this: I have been a successful teacher...I am admired by faculty, staff, parents and students.... But I have failed to have the impact in my life in the area that I most desired...my marriage.

JL, what you said about WH is also so true of me! I will not be remembered for THE TEACHER that I was...I will just be retired. I will be remembered for the woman that I was...the mother....the wife.

I had NO IDEA that one of my EN's was admiration! Seriously! I hear it all day and every day during the course of a teaching day. Sadly, the one person who could have made all of the difference in the world, withheld this from me. I have asked myself repeatedly: "Am I being vain, silly or obviously fishing for compliments?"

Truthfully, my friends, I am not. I really am not. I grew up in a family where you were expected to "do your job and do it well." No compliments were given....EVER!!!!! You were not told of your attributes....there were no birthday presents or celebrations....a good report card was your duty. Special gifts were not given and you certainly weren't to expect them.

Was my childhood sad? Somewhat....But not anything like the news of today's child. My WH was a breath of fresh and decent air in high school. He was such a quiet, serious, athletic and attractive young man!

I am sad today. I still question my own attractiveness, intelligence and self worth as a result of this A. I have surmised that there were many. I have not pressed for additional information, because my WH needs to help discover who he actually is and stop trying to be who I thought he was.

His comments tonight made me lower my head and cry in private: Married, I am not perfect, but I tried to be perfect for you." "I thought about what you said...Maybe I was attracted to loose and trashy women, because they were easy to talk to." "They always approached me, so maybe that's just what I attract." "Married, I never felt that you would have married me, if we hadn't been so young."

"I always thought you could have done better....You could have married someone better than me." "So, I always tried to make you happy." "I asked God to make you love me in 1970 and he answered me." "I love you...I always loved you....I always will....But the sex thing has just ALWAYS been an issue with us."


JustLearning, Ace, Pepperband....He missed the point....I just wanted HIM....He was always enough for me.....The smiling, competent, perfect and prim little schoolteacher just wasn't enough for him.

This new information just broke my heart and makes me cry, even now. My heart aches for both of us. I looked at him sitting across from me and I wanted to hold him just like I used to do. I wanted to make him happy. I wanted him to be whole again. I wanted us to be 18 again. Finally, I wanted us to be a happy and healthy 55 again.

We need a very good counselor! The Green socks/sandals Guy is just woefully inadequate! It seems as if there are so many layers for us both to peel back to reveal our true selves....not our 18 year old selves...not our patched-up married selves.

How in the world did we move so far apart, and how did I fail to recognize it?


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There you are! I was wondering where you went off to.


RM, We could say the same about you! Funny dialogue....still laughing, in fact. Hope you had a great time with your family last week.

Married,

Quote
How in the world did we move so far apart, and how did I fail to recognize it?

The more important question to ask is "How do we bridge the gap now that we know it exists?"

Understanding 'how' it happened can't change it for now, but it can help it from re-occuring...but you/we may never know the entire answer ever.

Look forward, Married, and only look back long enough to glean enough to avoid the past.

What do we want and how do we get there? Finding a competent MC is the definite first step. You could call Steve or Jennifer if green socks is your only option.

Keep us posted on your progress.

Ace

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Married,

Lots of things to say but before I run out of time I want to address something here that you need to really think about. OK?

You said
Quote
His comments tonight made me lower my head and cry in private: Married, I am not perfect, but I tried to be perfect for you." "I thought about what you said...Maybe I was attracted to loose and trashy women, because they were easy to talk to." "They always approached me, so maybe that's just what I attract." "Married, I never felt that you would have married me, if we hadn't been so young."

"I always thought you could have done better....You could have married someone better than me." "So, I always tried to make you happy." "I asked God to make you love me in 1970 and he answered me." "I love you...I always loved you....I always will....But the sex thing has just ALWAYS been an issue with us."

JustLearning, Ace, Pepperband....He missed the point....I just wanted HIM....He was always enough for me.....The smiling, competent, perfect and prim little schoolteacher just wasn't enough for him.

This new information just broke my heart and makes me cry, even now. My heart aches for both of us. I looked at him sitting across from me and I wanted to hold him just like I used to do. I wanted to make him happy. I wanted him to be whole again. I wanted us to be 18 again. Finally, I wanted us to be a happy and healthy 55 again.

We need a very good counselor! The Green socks/sandals Guy is just woefully inadequate! It seems as if there are so many layers for us both to peel back to reveal our true selves....not our 18 year old selves...not our patched-up married selves.

How in the world did we move so far apart, and how did I fail to recognize it?

I was going to parse this set of statements but you last question is one YOU have to address. He said it was about the sex. I really don't think you understand how rejected men feel when their W shuts them out of the bedroom physically. I am not offering excuses for him, but you asked "how did I fail to recognize it?" and to me this is a truly profound question for which you need someone with sandals and green socks. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I mean how is it that you are married for 30 years, teach HS kids, are bombarded daily with the message that SEX sells, and is important to men, and not notice that 4 times a year is probably NOT getting the job done so to speak?

I am asking you this a very important reason. Your lack of interest in sex, reflects a lack of interest in your H in reality. Where was YOUR focus really? What brought YOU the most pleasure REALLY? How could you not know that admiration was a key need for you, when most people go into teaching for that very reason?

Your H has given you some deep clues about his thinking and the state of the marriage as he saw it.
Quote
His comments tonight made me lower my head and cry in private: Married, I am not perfect, but I tried to be perfect for you." "I thought about what you said...Maybe I was attracted to loose and trashy women, because they were easy to talk to." "They always approached me, so maybe that's just what I attract." "Married, I never felt that you would have married me, if we hadn't been so young."

Step back and assume that this statement is for real. I think it might be. What does it tell you? How did and does he see the marriage? Was he afriad to approach you more often for sex? Perhaps. Was he afraid of losing you by asking for more? Perhaps. Did he feel you didn't really need him or were not easy to talk to? That is what he says.

My point, it is not really the sex per se' that I am focusing on, but having sex 4 times a year and not knowing that it was/is most males very highest need suggests that YOU were not as involved in this marriage as you think you were.

Married, I am not trying to make you the "bad guy" in this marriage. I am trying to get you to see that there is a path by which YOU BOTH can rebuild this marriage and make it something it apparently has not been for a long time IF EVER. There is hope another words. There are things that can be done, that have not been done.

Your H was a fool, and a liar, and a cheat, no way to sugar coat that. And it is accepted by all. But, IF you want this marriage you need to understand what each of your roles were in the marriage and address those roles.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

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Well...As always, JustLearning....You have hit the nail squarely on the head. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

How do I begin? I am a teacher, because that is what I have always done...I began tutoring at the age of 11. I was hired to babysit and it just turned into tutoring. It was natural and the results were applauded by the parents in my neighborhood. How could I not have known one of my EN's was admiration? I was sought after for tutoring and that's just the way my life evolved. I don't think I ever gave it a second thought until MB.

I guess I just wasn't tuned in! I am from a long line of teachers...it's just what we do. How in the world I fell in love with a man who failed to offer admiration? This is still something I must think about.

The sex thing? Hmmm. It began in high school, I suppose. It was EXTREMELY important in my family to abstain from sex before marriage. EXTREMELY IMPORTANT! EXTREMELY !! I think I may have mentioned that I began the "sexual foxtrot" on prom night. At my high school, if you had a steady boyfriend, then you consumated the deal on prom night. We never discussed this beforehand.

The girls were supposed to wear a garter and the guy was supposed to slip it off seductively. It was supposed to signal the beginning of SF. Well, when WH asked about the garter later that evening....I took it out of my purse and HANDED IT TO HIM. I sat as close to the car door as I possibly could, without being on the outside of the car. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

WH accepted this, but never stopped trying. We continued to date and each date ended the same way: He would try to have SF and I would refuse. I was warm and affectionate, but I definitely wouldn't "go all the way." He would continue to try....then he would promise to honor my wishes and would stop trying for a day or so....then he would TRY AGAIN.

I finished college in three years. He never wanted to continue his education, but I was forbidden to date him if he wasn't enrolled in college. My parents were deeply embedded in the "unevenly yoked" speeches. So...WH went to college and we dated exclusively throughout.... And the foxtrot continued.

Let me interject a little ditty here. JustLearning, I am very robust and energetic once I get started. That has always been the case. I know that is one of the reasons that my WH continued to try all of those years ago. You see, once in a while, I might surrender. He never knew when that might happen, so he just kept trying. There were a few "breakthroughs" in college, but not many.

This pattern has been in our M since the very beginning. Birth control became abstinance. Even as I type this, I feel foolish. WH is a very sexual guy and always has been. What I have done to this M really is criminal and I fully realize this now. I didn't know HOW important this was, because we NEVER had a rational discussion.

Oh, he would periodically rage and I would temporarily succumb. I use this word, because that is what I did. Whatever I was angry about, I would place it on the back burner if I knew he was furious regarding SF. If I am to engage in honesty, then I will have to admit to the professor, that what he suspected has always been true: Witholding sex has always been my ideal weapon of choice.

My efforts, at the beginning of our relationship, were to be a "good girl." That's what I always heard in my home growing up. Well, I now understand that I was a good girl, but I failed to up the ante once I married. When I was angered or wronged in my M, it was easy to just turn my back in bed. Not only did I turn away...I put on mental earmuffs when he'd ask and ask and ask and.....

People! I was stupid! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> This part of our R has improved greatly. Yes, I realize what I have done repeatedly throughout this M and I am now taking steps to repair the damage. There hasn't been this much action since the honeymoon and WH is swooning. This is all fine and dandy, but if I let the "people in my head" get started, then I get angry all over again.

I am not foolish enough however, to think that this will solve all of our current problems, or end my anguish. WH has begun to look for MC and he has narrowed the search to two. I should know who we will see by Wednesday. Reprobatemind has helped me to determine that Bill and Hilary's MC technique will not work for us!

I have discovered a few things. It was not easy for WH to talk to me. It seems that his words would not be measured or filtered for these OW. I have a looooong list of do's, don'ts and various points of protocol. I can write my very own book of etiquette and manners.

WH felt that he "never measured up" and was always in violation of my "ethics code." I have been guilty of DJ that come out exponentially. Did I know that I engaged in DJ? Truthfully? Well....Yes. I just didn't know what they were called. I also didn't know their consequences.

My WH and I can put this M on better footing and on honest and solid ground. The man has lied and cheated for so long.....I just need him to be honest from this point on. During the headiest time of the fog, he looked at me and said, "Why are you asking me that...You KNOW now that I'm a liar."

That's what I need now...no more lies...no more. He made the decision to have multiple A's. I think he would have continued had he not picked the little wh*re from He!! this last time. I will bet he is still wondering how his sweet little admiring student "turned on him." After all, since "she was smart," I don't think he saw it coming. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> It was a real wake up siren. I am willing to stand up and claim what I want and need. I am also willing to lay down and....

He is willing to do the work and I am too. It must be a new beginning. I'm not sad today (God! I hate the rollercoaster!) Ace, you are so right! Today I am focused on the lesson plan.

People....Donna Reed IS DEAD. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Last edited by marriedfor30yrs; 06/12/07 03:44 AM.

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Married,

You crack me up! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

If I wasn't on the same pathetic ride, I would almost want to jump aboard just to hear your ebullient descriptions!

I'm just a few cars ahead on the "Donna Reed is Dead" train but I have an idea.

Mark1952 lives in the Chicago area and I will seek his input on alternatives to green socks. (Your profile only says IL, but I'm sure he might still be able to help.)

Married, it seems that we teachers have an odd gene or chromosome or something others may perceive as a wire loose. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Many might call it a servant's heart which is usually a good thing. Except when we fail to focus inward because we seem hardwired to 'fix it' for others....maybe this is why we were oblivious to what is beginning to seem obvious now.

Our WH's did what any normal male would do. Your's sought sex and significance, mine sought significance and 'sorta' sex. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> (Just how intimate can one really get with a plastic phone or a plastic keyboard?)

Both (your H's PA and my H's EA) were strong enough to breach their vows to us and shroud it in secrecy.....for a long time.

What matters most now, however, is that we create the needed lesson plan, like you said, and focus inward to fix the outward 'owwwies' in our M's.

We can do this, Married. Finding our MC was the key for us. I hope your new options work out. If not, we'll see if Mark can help you find one.

Ace

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Hi Married,

I haven't posted to you before because I am generally a lurker and am here more to learn for myself. I have been following your thread with interest for various reasons, primarily because of how articulate you are in your posts. Rarely have I seen in my life someone who is so willing to be in touch with their own feelings and to admit and work on their own issues as you have. You should be proud of this! You are human, and have no problem with that. Now that's cool.

M. Scott Peck in "People of the Lie" describes the inability to see one's own failings and weaknesses as the root of evil. You are clearly the opposite of that.

I also want to add something to your thread. I observed in your husband's words a deep admiration of you:

"Married, I never felt that you would have married me, if we hadn't been so young."

"I always thought you could have done better....You could have married someone better than me." "So, I always tried to make you happy." "I asked God to make you love me in 1970 and he answered me." "I love you...I always loved you....I always will...."

I also saw that he changed his educational plans to enable you two to stay together.

Despite what he did, which is a huge mistake, it is very clear to me that he loves you very much and always has.

Hang in there and keep up the good work!


FBH - FWW had EA in May 1999 (Discovered, recovered) FWH - I had PA in Aug 2004 Confessed to PA - July 17, 2006 In Recovery, forgiven and working to earn it.
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Great insights, Ahnold.

Married, FH listed OTHER MC OPTIONS for you if WH's selections don't work out.

Ace

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Married,

Again not a lot of time so I won't say all I want to about your last post.

I think you are starting to see a variety of things about your marriage, that need to change. Yes, the SF part, but what I see is dismisal of him. I see a school teacher in control of her class (him). He quit fighting and took the path of least resistance, which as you know is usually the path to perdition.

What I think you will find is that you BOTH will have resentments based on how you two have treated your marriage to date. And I would like to offer you a quote to consider and show your H.
Quote
Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

Please, please both of you consider this carefully, and then give voice to your resentments and discuss them. BUT, remember there are MANY MANY good things about both of you. Don't lose sight of the good things.

What is clearer in your postings than in most but usually is equally true in most cases, is that when everyone steps back there is plenty of "blame" to go around. Soooo, the idea is to avoid the blaming thing and discuss what your future will be. What will make you happy? What will make him happy?

And here is where you can really help Married. Given what your H has said and what you know of his actions, what would a real, deep, meaningful marriage be like for you? Would you enjoy SF more than before? Would you open up and allow him in and let him feel freer to speak with you? Would you two laugh more? Would you two hold each other more? Would you two cease being each others teacher/professor and be more friends? Think about this carefully.

I know you are still in pain, and frankly your self-revelations don't ease that pain do they? However, your self-revelations can help your H, help you. Odd isn't it? He is going to have to help YOU with your role in this marriage. So given that nature loves symmetry, guess is going to have to help him? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> That would be you, of course.

You two have a lot of work and healing to do, BUT just remember it can be fun, it can be an adventure, and it can be rewarding. You both need to discuss how to make it such. I am sure he is enjoying your being more accessible to him physically, but what you may not realize is that what he really enjoys is being closer to you emotionally, which is what SF with a loving spouse does.

My feeling is that some of this will taper off as he comes to trust that you have his best interests at heart and you show it. As he shows you he can be honest and open, you will also draw comfort from that as well as a sense of closness.

Must go, keep up the good work, you two are doing better than you seem to realize. I look forward hearing the type of footware your counselor has when you two select one. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

God Bless,

JL

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Hello again.

I want to tell you something, no jokes for a minute. I'm being 100% serious...

I admire you.



Yes, I do. I am really impressed with the way that you are trying to work things out with your husband. I think that is great. If I ever got caught screwing around, I figure my wife will divorce me flat out. On the other hand, I would do the same. You are not. Thats wonderful!


I admire the way that you still want to work out the marriage.

I admire the fact that you found this site and take the time to post.

I admire the fact that you listen to good advice on here.

I admire the fact that you read books and other literature about repairing marriages, in an attempt to get advice.

I admire the fact that you are seeing a marriage counselor.

I admire the fact that even though the counselor isn't all you wanted, you are still trying.

I admire the fact that you go into great detail with your self-analysis going back to high school and all through your marriage, however painful that may be.

I don't have any more advice for you today, your other friends on here are doing that better than I ever could. However, I can just let you know that if it is admiration that you want, well, there as at least one person on here that is reading about what you do, and thinks that it is pretty cool.

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Married,

Ace asked me to assist you with a search for MCs because we are both in Illinois. The problem of course is that Illinois is almost 58000 square miles and about 390 miles from Winthrop Harbor to Cairo. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Since 90% of the population lives within 50 miles of Chicago, that is where the majority of MCs are located.

I am in the area around Joliet, so if I can be of any help, let me know.

When I was looking for MCs a year ago, I got a list from Focus On The Family and from New Life Ministries by asking for help and explaining my sitch. Not only did they reply with info on counselors in my area, they also promised to pray for us and even sent follow up emails a couple times just to find out how things were going.

FOTF is at www.family.org and www.focusonthefamily.com. They also have a sister site at www.troublewith.com.

New Life is at www.newlife.com. BTW, their radio program with live call in begins at 1pm CDT on Monday through Friday (right after Dr Harley's show ends- 10am CDT till 1 pm M-F)<end of plug> I think they have a list of stations that carry the show on their site.

Any MC you go to has to be someone that both of you are comfortable with. I would also suggest that he/she be questioned regarding whether or not they are familiar with Dr Harley's body of work. The MB way is proven and not based on the typical pop-psychobabble-Freudian-fallacy if-it-feels-good-do-it mentality of so many. A question I asked several people right up front was "How many marriages have you saved through your counseling methods?" If they didn't know, I didn't go. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

FWIW, anyone who wears green socks in public should attend counseling...or maybe they need a visit from What Not To Wear... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Mark

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WH has begun to look for MC and he has narrowed the search to two. I should know who we will see by Wednesday.


How's the MC search going, Married?

Ace

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