DH59,

I just noticed that your D-Days are similar to 2 of mine. Also, I saw you must have edited to Kama from Karma Sutra.....I dunno, maybe there's Karma involved with what could be called 'sex pretzelization' <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />.

Hey Married, How's it going?

Ace

Hi Married. I know you mentioned that you have children (a S18)...how does he feel about what is going on?

One of my friends just told his children recently (D21 and S19) about an A he was having and his plans to go into a DV with his XW (their mother). He wanted to come clean, but now his children refuse to take his calls and answer his IMs. The OW he is with is in her 30s (my friend is 53); I guess it doesn't make anyone feel any better --- least of all his kids.

I hope your S18 is getting as much support as you are (judging from the number of people who have responded to your plea for help)...or that he has been strong enough to be your beacon through this trying time. He needs you, too.

In the meantime...try not to be too hard on yourself...you've been a good W, and have only been reacting to the things that are happening to you. If you want the M to work, though, you'll have to try to keep your words in check...it's always harder to take very hurtful words back.

Lots of luck.

Married,

You said many things I thought I would discuss briefly.
Ah yes the DJ's you do realize that they are the most deadly of all love busters? Why? because we often don't realize we do them, and we often act on them. Your counselor sounds good.

I see you recoverying and healing, and I hope your H is as well.


Excellent, but remember they call this the "rollercoaster" for a reason. So hang on and keep doing as you are. You are doing very well. You have no idea how proud of yourself you will be in a year. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


I guess it makes sense, but if you think you are getting rid of us by going there, your NUTS Lady. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> You can run but you cannot hide. I do think that admitting you are in recovery is a hard thing to do, because it means you are setting aside your pain, and using forgiveness to guide you all the while not sure your H deserves it. His time is coming when he will have to help you as you have helped him and this marriage.

I will say that as you two recover YOUR biggest problem is very likely to be his guilt and remorse. The WS often to really starts to feel it as the marriage recovers and they realize what they almost tossed away with their foolishness.


Only have one thing to say: No guts, no glory. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You also said a few other things.
What you don't understand is the pleasure and joy I and others her get by seeing someone recover and rebuild their marriage. The gift is seeing you and your H become happy and successful.


Oh, trust me at 55 you are a powerful person and your H sees it and feels it. Heck you are just reaching your prime. You are both now retired, you can focus on each other, how to make a life together, the pleasures in life you both have earned. Young lady you should enjoy it, savor it, and go for it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />


Married, there is nothing as sexy as a mature woman that knows what she is doing, and how to do it. You are alive and you can be vibrant. I used to read a lot of poetry, but what I am going to say is based on things I learned 40 something years ago. There is a poem that was a favorite of mine because my father and his friends could quote it verbatim AFTER they had too much to drink...they were all combat pilots from WWII and beyond. It was the Rubyiat of Omar Kiam (sp). Basically, it said "eat, drink, and be marry for tomorrow it may well be over. There was a response by Tennyson I beleive called "Rabbi Benezzura (sp)" Which starts "Come along with me for the best of life is yet to see." or something close to that.

I always felt and still do that both poets got it right. And I think if you reflect on it, what you have before you an OPPORTUNITY to get it right and really enjoy your future.

I must go, but please think about these things and look up those poems and see how bad my memory is after all of these decades, not to mention my spelling.




Just remember you may only have tomorrow so make the best of it, but you may have another 30 or 40 years so plan on making them good ones as well.


"Regrets I have a few..." Sinatra

But, learning from them will make your life richer go for it.


Now we are talking! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />, but please note what I said earlier. You and your H making your marriage better, more rewarding, more fun, and more open will be reward enough, but what this will cost you is that you must come back and help others.

God Bless,

JL

I think it must have been the A season at that time!! It appears that wherever I look there are people mentioning A anniversaries around these dates.

I noticed my 'karmic' mistake when I picked up the book the other night, as I had a funny feeling I'd spelt it wrongly. After editing my post, I noticed that Pep had written it correctly.

'sex pretzelization' - I like that one.

Hello to My MB Friends!

I am checking in to report my progress....To quote Sinatra, as JL points out "mistakes, I've made a few......"

My WH and I have completed our first MC session with our religious counselor ( MC #2) and it didn't occur a moment too soon. My WH and I had a horrible two days, because of a DJ I had made.

Once again, I interpreted HIS affair through MY OWN eyes. Wrong! We were on a very crooked and treacherous path for a bit. I recognized the DJ, but I was gripped by them. I didn't seem to be able to "hear" what my WH was saying.

Well, I heard him just fine. He just wasn't saying what I wanted to hear! He wasn't using the language that I would have used. My WH is not a man that wastes words and he never has been. Me? I like the words, darn it!!!

I wanted to hear more than, "Married, I'm so sorry." "Married, I love you and I always have....You are STILL so beautiful to me."

I'm ashamed to admit this, but it just wasn't enough.... I heard the word STILL and I interpreted it to mean something LESS.

It was the message that I keep hearing when people say "You STILL look good for 55." I hate the word STILL, when it is used in this manner. I have always considered it to be a "backhanded compliment."

The MC sat there looking at me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> Ever so gently he said, "Married.......?" "Are you saying that you take no comfort in those words?" The MC and my WH both looked at me as though I had three eyes and I was suddenly sheepish. I had to bite my tongue and lower my eyes, because I knew I was thinking:

"No....I don't just want to hear the words, I'm sorry. I want to hear something along the lines of: "What was I thinking ? I have destroyed you....I have ripped your heart to shreds....I had an absolutely wonderful wife and I never should have let those skanks invade our marriage."

My WH sat there in that little office and told the MC, "You see, she wants ME to talk like SHE does." "She wants me to crawl into HER brain and dredge up the exact same words that SHE would use....I just can't do that." "Everything I say to her just comes out wrong."

And so, this point was discussed and I recognized that I was guilty of wanting this man to abandon a portion of his essence. I used to love the fact that he was a man of few words. I loved him and every tiny nuance of his. I had loved the way he took his time to answer reflectively. I now think he's just stalling for time!

I have stopped trusting and believing in him. The MC assured me that this must take time and of course I know this. Many positive elements arose in that MC session. We had to stop at one point in the session to pray, because I just sat and sobbed for a minute or two. The MC asked my WH if he thought he could put his emotions on paper. He is not to mention the A, but to speak of his love for me. My WH is to write me a love letter!

I haven't had a love letter since he was away in college. He used to write and I haven't had a sweet missive from him in 30 years. I can't resist this last LB for today...He sent the little OW over 35 loving emails. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

Today, my WH is working in his cubicle in the den. Michael McDonald's music is playing softly and he is writing my love letter! He came to the door to tell me that he is redrafting and I should get it by........NEXT WEEK....sigh.

Seriously, I can wait. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> And so, until I get my letter, I am posting the link to the poem that JL has brought to my attention.

http://www.okonlife.com/poems/

It is absolutely lovely. Thank you, JL. How did you know? How could you have known? You are such a wise, wise man.

Married,

And just prove that my age is catching up with me, here is "Browning's poem" Rabbi Ben Ezra. It was clearly getting late when I posted <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Browning

Enjoy,

JL

Married,

I'm thrilled to hear you are doing so well! I'll continue to pray, and to visit your thread. You have some lovely guests at this party! Well dear, I'm a poet so I just have to throw my .02 in and speak up for the contemporary bards. See this link to "if everything happens that can't be done" by ee cummings: http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/if-everything-happens-that-can-t-be-done/

ahopefulone,

Alright, now we are talking. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> It is truly ashame that poetry is not taught more in school. In the hands of a skilled poet so many deep emotions can be adequately expressed and passed on. Sadly, I don't have that skill, but honor those that do.

I happen to like ee cummings as well, but really favor some of the older poets. However, I also really like Ogden Nash. My father carried one of his poems in his wallet most all of his life, through WWII, Korea, Nam, and on. It is really a depression poem but really holds to this day.

Now you know where I learned to appreciate poetry. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I hope that your situation is improving.

God Bless,

JL

JustLearning, Do you remember what poem he carried? That is an incredible story! I memorized poems for the same reason, so I can keep them with me. I love the older poets as well; Christina Rossetti, 'Remember Me' is a beautiful Italian sonnet, I think you might really enjoy that. Warmest regards to you.

Hey Married,

Today is my one year anniversary of D-Day #1.

We made it! (But I'm struggling.)

The recovery rollercoaster is a little less bumpy after a year but the bumps still smack vulnerable places.

One of the things that kept me busy while my teacher H and his teacher OW were carrying on their illicit contact, having phone sex, etc. was MY helping to care for HIS ailing mother. She died this week so things were a bit hectic, but have slowed a bit.....and I have a new void so I'm checking in with my MB friends.

How are things with you and the professor? Hope to hear from you soon.

Ace

Hey Married,

You said your MC session went well and that you and the professor have homework:



I know your misery. During our sessions with our first MC (that WH was lying to while we paid $150 hr. for that lovely privilege <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> ), I actually brought a 3-ring binder with hard copies of all the pages of loving 'soul-mateish' emails WH wrote to that OW.

Then I showed MC and WH the few short 2-3 line paragraphs WH struggled to write to me...even forced himself to write to me.....after D-Days 1 and 2.

Neither could explain why but MC said that WH should try to "kick it up a notch in the romance writing" dept. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Later I learned that the alien fog creates an extended personality, often doing things (long emails and long phone conversations and wired flowers, etc) that are out of character.

If I had my druthers, I'd rather have the alien-free version, even if it means he doesn't write long emails. (He says that he only logs on to do work related research now because writing emails reminds him of that OW and she is a 'nothing' to him now.)

I used to argue that they are not necessary because he tells me what he would write in person and on the phone. While this may be true, I would still love long messages and cards often. But I'll be patient <sigh> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

BTW. my 'long stem rose gallows' (where I hang them to dry) has been full since Valentines Day, so I can't complain. And we talk for hours on the phone without him putting the receiver down in boredom as he used to do with that OW. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> AND....he did write long letters of commitment and apologies after D-Days #3 and #4 without my asking him to. I treasure them, but still long for more....something to look forward to as we heal, I guess. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

How are things going with you and the professor?

Ace

To Ace, could you tell me about that "alien fog" I saw that referred to somewhere else, how did you learn about that, I have not read it anywhere else. It makes sense as my husband called HER morning, her lunch break, smoke break and when she got off, you could set your watch by it, never, ever called me during day in 9 yrs of marriage to just chat! Totally out of character and he usually does that kind of thing when drinking and he did not start drinking until 5 so the alien behavior makes sense, would just like to read more about that. Thanks, Lindy

Lindysue,

I posted on your GQII thread where you asked for Lousygolfer to shed some 'wayward' light on your sitch. He must be gone for the holiday.

If you have any other questions, email me. Click on my name and you will be linked to my profile where my email addy is.

Hope that helps,

Ace

P.S. Hey Married....how ya doin?

Well, here I am back from the grave. I've been busy lately prosecuting the innocent and defending the guilty, as well as updating my diary on the emotional needs thread, which some have (falsely) accused me of being homo-erotic. Bunk, I say.

While others can give much better advice than I can, It makes me very happy that I can make you smile. It really gave me a rather twisted, visceral thrill that I can make a 55-year-old-tutu-wearing-kama sutra-reading woman spit her drink out. This, surely, is one of my life's crowning achievements, so I think I can die happy now. Its the mental image that really tears me up! I like making people smile. I LOVE making you smile, because you need it. Just make sure that whatever drink you spit out isn't Glenmorangie 18-year single-malt. That's just wrong.

Keep up the updates in the marriage counseling. If you had me in mind for monetary distributions to any inheritance you might get, contact me. In fact, just send me the check. I'll take care of everything. You can trust me, I'm a (in-training) lawyer! :-)

You probably did have me in class at some point. I was the kid who sat in the back wearing his sunglasses, laptop open watching, um, stuff, and drinking out of a thermos. Coffee, of course. I think I remember you now. You used to get mad at me every time I would snicker when you talked about the Penal Code. Then you would get mad when I would snicker when you talked about a lawyer's taint following him/her around from firm to firm. hehehehe.

Per the post about adultery and how it should be illegal, check this out. Let me know if these two links don't work. NO, don't get your hopes up. There is no way in ****** a DA would ever prosecute on that. Even if he did, the judge would sit REAL uncomfortable in his chair. A police officer testifying would look kind of pale and sweaty in his uniform.

http://www.oscn.net/applications/oscn/DeliverDocument.asp?CiteID=69410

http://www.oscn.net/applications/oscn/DeliverDocument.asp?CiteID=69411

I have to say, I think you were all taken in by some mighty fine fiction writing -- but this made one heck of a story!

Hello To All MB Friends!

You should all have guessed that I had not been following MB principles, when you hadn't heard from me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Well, that is not entirely the case......The professor and I have been doing pretty good, actually!!!! We are seeing both counselors and it has been helpful. It seems the professor has found his voice.

As we sit with each counselor he seems to be able to "see" more clearly. I can't bury him in dialogue and he can't hide from me. I did share that the professor has some rotten branches in his family tree of infidelity. Of course, we both knew...but we didn't quite make the connection to our own marriage. I think the biggest disclosure was the revelation that our marriage and his parents' were both so similar. On some level, maybe I knew that too. Heck, three months ago, I thought it was a good thing!

I used to think this was a positive characteristic. Well, it isn't. My FIL was a devoutly religious, kind, sweet and gentle MUTE CHEATER too. He was reflective and wallowing in his own guilt. Both counselors have touched on this, but the religious counselor has not gone into depth on the subject. This will be very hard for my WH, because he both loved and idolized his dad.

The reading material that counselor #1 gave to us caused an argument (plenty of LB's before I MADE myself stop!) while we waited in the lobby. It seems our signals were crossed and the counselor thought we cancelled due to yesterday's holiday. I had burning questions for the professor that I had been "saving." This of course was a mistake!

The professor wasn't having it. I didn't pose the questions so that they didn't sound like the inquisition of D Day #1 and 2. I was wrong, but I haven't admitted this yet. We tabled the conversation, but I started back up as soon as we got into that tiny car. I finally shut up long enough for us to arrive home SAFELY....but I didn't get to continue, because my WH started to talk like the original "Chatty Cathy Doll."

I am still stuck on the betrayals (Telling the OW everything I had said and done...Leading her to our home). He doesn't have any answers, except to say that he was being "selfish." This was the first time that he's admitted this aloud. This may not seem like a grand admission to anyone else, but it is HUGE for him! I truly felt that this was the first time I had heard this. Now, don't get me wrong! I had plenty of other things that I thought he should have admitted as well....but that would involve a few DJ's wouldn't it?

I was finally able to table the conversation for the day. I didn't sulk and he didn't clam up. This is new behavior for both of us. I promise you, this is the only real heated discussion since my last post. I am doing better. We are doing better. Today, I was both optomistic and anxious for a new day.

My life is changing before my eyes and appearing to be someone else's. Does SF count if I believe it is a form of hysterical bonding? I shared this concern with the professor and he does not care. His exact wording escapes me, but it was something along the lines of "I don't care what you call it, just as long as I get to answer." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I realize that THIS pace can't continue, because one of us is sure to be dead one fine morning....Pepper, I did get the book, "A Passionate Marriage", but I must confess that it isn't a book I can breeze through. You warned me! I am also reading "Not Just Friends" for the second time. I'm trying to keep all of this information straight! We HAVE to get it right this time out, because I couldn't bear to be the only 85 year old woman on this site.

We are going to the Cape for a week to reconnect! I did receive my sweet love letter and our little trip is a direct result, I think. We had planned for the trip in advance, but now the focus has changed. I am actually looking forward to all of that lovey dovey action! I haven't been away from the MB site for an entire week before, but I think I will be fine.

Lindysue, I have not responded to you, but I do want to say that all is not lost...My WH sent his little OW over 35 emails and too many texts and calls to count. There are truly wise people here... This is where we should both be.

Ahopefulone, I have never told you thank you. You were so kind and encouraging to me when I was just trying to breathe and think. I thought I was actually dying. You guided me to JFO for more help, when I thought no one would, or could help me. You saved my life. You were my internet angel.

ACE!!!!!!!!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I'm so happy you got your letter too! I tried to read your entire smiles and Trials thread, but I must confess I'm behind. My goodness, woman! You have a million threads that you contribute to! I love that about you. You are the MB social chairperson and that is truly admirable to me.

Reprobatemind, you rascal! Happy Birthday Old Timer! Your post made me laugh out loud this time (my mouth was empty). You would not have gotten away with a thing in my class. Reading inappropriate material? Sitting at the back? Wearing sunglasses in MY classroom? I. Think. Not.

JustLearning, you know what is in my heart and head most of the time, so wish me well this week at the Cape! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> I thank you for starting the poetry phase of this saga. I never, ever saw this day coming. Never, ever. I do hope to see you on the Recovery portion of this site. I began to read there last week, but it is scary. There is still so much pain over there, isn't there? Still...I'll be checking in. Actually, I'm rather looking forward to it now.

Edited to add:Finetoapoint, I only wish the crap that has happened to me in the past three months had been a bad dream or fiction! I wouldn't want this much pain and utter stupidity to occur in anyone's actual life. I really wouldn't.:(

Hi Married,

So glad you posted. Finetoapoint had a point, which was accentuated when we hadn't heard from you for awhile.

A poster named Aph mentioned that there are stories of some people who fake recoveries on forums like these and no one but God would ever know. I guess that is the risk we all take with our time......we never know if we are helping someone or contributing to someone's weekly entertainment.


During my first week, Chrisner 'accused' me of being "the most upbeat person in Betrayedville". That gave me a reputation to uphold...well...uh....actually~~~~> the truth? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> I have no clue what to say to help people most of the time, so I just encourage as best as I can to bump threads sliding into oblivion like my first thread did 5+ months ago.

Gotta go to work but I'll check back in over the weekend. Again, it's good to have your update. I needed a "laugh-out-loud" start to this day. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Ace

P.S. I may have a million posts (actually only 1000+) but you have over 4000 views to your thread in only 3 months! Former posters are hearing about you through the grapevine and actually checking back in to MB just to read your thread. May I have your autograph? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

yes
it counts

hysterical bonding <~~~ pretty accurate

in the early days (daze) I had wild angry sex ... but it left us bonded nonetheless

Hi Ace!

I am going to bed! I have been up packing, doing laundry and pushing junk into the basement. I haven't capped your straight 40 hours without sleep, but I feel close to it!

My feelings were hurt by the above poster. So now you tell me that people make up recovery stories? He!!, recovery is hard enough to do...Who has time to make up stuff?

There are constant times during the day, when I just have to sit down and think about what has happened. Maybe my writing style makes it seem as though it has not been so bad for me, but that would be so, so untrue. I have tried my best to smile and be pleasant my entire life, to hide pain. I wouldn't suggest it. This will be examined in counseling too. This affair hurt me in many ways, more than the death of both of my parents and that's the honest and gut level truth.

I shake my head in disbelief at the completely silly way I conducted myself in this marriage. Naivete...Arrogance (I really THOUGHT I had a good marriage...I mean....People admired and envied us, didn't they)? No, it wasn't a good marriage. There were two people in it, who really were not taking care of each other. Such a simple concept that went COMPLETELY over my head. Even now, it's embarassing.

My struggle? I am somewhat stubborn. To a fault. I have heard from counselor #1 (the green socks and sandals guy), counselor #2 (regular mc) and #3 (the religious counselor), that I am not to concern myself with the OW at this point in recovery. I just can't get that Jessica Rabbit vision out of my head of the OW. She wasn't bad looking at all...she was rather tight and muscular....really just kind of steroidy in appearance. The problem for me still revolves around my esteem issues....

Everyone here has said the same thing....The OW was just the "fallout" and yes, I know it...But still. I will be having a pretty good day with my WH and I will think of that computer and those emails. My recovery is being hampered, because I keep going downstairs to read and reread her nasty message to me. No one has ever talked to me like that in my entire life. It's hard for me to read it, but I am drawn to that nasty little note of hers.

Another secret? I keep trying to recover, or undelete those 32 emails my WH wrote to her.. I have 3 that he didn't delete and they torture me. Why would I want to do this to myself? I just don't have the answer to that. It's just a little too ill.

Both counselors have told me in the presence of my WH to stop. They have both told me that I can't keep stepping back into that moment....but it's so hard for me to do! I seem to have an ocd situation with this piece of it. It's almost as if I think those deleted messages are going to tell me something that is going to make everything that has happened, crystal clear.

My questions to my WH are varied, but all roads lead back to the OW and my deep sense of betrayal. I never in a katillion years would have thought my husband would do such a thing. If you knew him, you would have doubted my truthfulness regarding this affair...not his.

This recovery is hard. Every day I must battle the LB's and DJ"S and for me, that is SO DIFFICULT!!!! I have spent most days with my WH, as we have sorted through over 30 years of teaching materials. I haven't figured out how to post a quick note, so there didn't seem to be enough time to do everything. I'm still logging in my 15+ hours with the professor! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Maybe it seems like we are riding off into the sunset. Maybe it seems so very much like a Lifetime Movie of the week....But it is my life. It is my life. If I had an opportunity to do things differently.....I am going to be here at MB. Who else would understand? It's happening to ME and even I don't understand it all!

I look at all of those numbers by my post and let me tell you Ace....It kind of creeps me out to know that there are so many of us that have been hurt. I searched and searched to find someone else who had a situation similar to mine. My depression grew after week 1, because there were a few teachers' stories, but no one's seemed to be as ugly as mine.

No one here seemed to have an OW that was as immature and evil as this one. No one here had the memory of their home violated. No one had an OW that had a house full of kids who left them to put a note in the wife's mailbox! No one seemed to have a WH like mine!

Only very recently did I realize that the professor's A wasn't so special and neither was my pain. This Affair World is full of skanks and horror stories. Mine is only one of them in the "Naked City."

I WANTED someone else to be able to see the "real picture" after a while. I needed to tell the truth. I needed to vent and air the sordid details. Was I still embarassed by it all? YES. Did I still need to come here? YES. This board was all that I had.

Understand : The man was almost "done"! He had a stellar career! And THEN you sleep with a student? It sounded nuts to me then and it still sounds nuts. I never expected to be here. I didn't even know such a place existed, but I am so grateful today. I'm trying so hard. If I could have clicked my heels and made any of this crap just disappear.....I still wish none of this had ever happened to us.

So, we're going to take our little vacation and try to reinvent something wonderful. My WH was never unkind or unloving toward me and that is still the case. Most of my days are pretty good and I really do need that in my life right now. I really, really do. I'll truly be able to relate to your Mr. Romance! I'll see you in R.

For you these letters and emails are in the present. I might suggest to you that, you are using them to help define “who your husband is”. They are terrifying and a horrible testament to a marriage you might have thought was indestructible. You are looking back into a recent past at those terrible events and attempting to make sense of a senseless act. Your introspections are very necessary to you as YOU must find the ways to rationalize how you can accept what has happened. But not any old rationalization will do, they must be powerful and grounded in truths that will last you a lifetime.

Where do you look for such things? There is only one place to look. You call on your life’s experiences, that body of knowledge that has shaped who you are and what you believe. In short, you are calling on your greatest teacher, the past. I might suggest to you that that is the source of your pain, i.e. the first thing you see as you look back is your husband who betrayed you. It is still fresh and new and most of all, it hurts and hurts bad, real bad.

You have both made the choice to attempt recovery. What happens as recovery progress, (as your husband and your recovery progresses)? One of the many things that happens is that loving exchanges begin to take place. They are mostly small things that may demonstrate that there is serious concern over the welfare of each. Perhaps your husband goes to extraordinary measures to insure that YOU know that he is acting to your benefit. Perhaps you hug him to let him know that you have confidence in him and the marriage. I imagine that there will be a great many promises, regrets and hope all in view of the betrayal that has taken place. The love bank was created to hold these items of love.

Here is the best part. Each deposit becomes an item of the past. And what is the past? “The past is our greatest teacher.” Each deposit is a layer that placed on top of the older layers. One of those layers includes “the betrayal”. Each day the betrayal is continually covered by new pages of history. When you look on to your body of knowledge to guide you, you will one day find that this body of knowledge tells you that your husband is an honorable man and devoted husband and you are no less. And when you ask yourself this question, “Who am I married to?” Your answer will make you grin with love.

That is what awaits you, if you have the courage to write new history. I suspect that your husband is waiting for you to join in writing that history. Oh yes, as for the “betrayal”, it is buried deep beneath volumes of love that you have each written until it has become “no longer relevant”.

Time and patience will serve you well.

Mr. G