I hate to interrupt but I think you and ParadiseBlue would get along well. Her H didn't stay, they ended up divorcing. BUT, she has the same eloquent way of expressing herself as you do. I believe you can find her thread just below yours.

Hi Married,

Hope you have/had a great little getaway.


Y'know Married, after reading about trolls, it crosses my mind that many may think I'm faking my Mr. Romance Saga. But many others have said it's inspired them, too. God knows it's true and I AM living it. So I understand your concern about the poster questioning your authenticity and sincerity, but it's really beside the 'point'. The fact that he/she appears to have registered just to make that 'point' decreases its impact, at least for me.


3 years ago when I turned 50, I actually sought info on 'how to separate legally' wishing that my H would do something to Biblically justify my getting out. I never told him that, of course, and obviously, I didn't need to. Even now, though, many would NOT believe me if I told them what my H has done. At times, he can't even believe it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />



That's only partially true in my view, Married. On the world's scale, it's very ordinary, but because it's happening to us, it's unique. At least for me.


How I wish I had found this board within the first 6 hours or even 6 weeks and not 6 months...or, as in princessmeggy's case...nearly 5-6 years. I had never been on any online social networking sources (chat rooms, games....etc) so I never thought to look online for help.

My H and I were reading "Not Just Friends" (refered by former MC) while H was secretly trying ----and succeeding---to 'just be friends' with that OW....for 6 more weeks. And she always asked him if he was sure I didn't know about their contact. That's ultimately how I think he saw her for what she was and that disdain for her eventually helped dissapate his fog.



I do, too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" /> But it did and now I am building towards being able to USE IT to help others.....somehow. Our MC says "don't be surprised if a year or 10 years from now, God sends someone to your doorstep who says 'I'm not sure why I'm here, but God told me you might know someone who may be able to help my spouse and me overcome our infidelity issues'." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

We've been rebuilding trust now for 4+ months....and that is not as farfetched a thought as it seemed when MC said it 2 months ago.

Married, Mr. Goodstuff hits the nail on the head, at least for me:


Let's re-write history. We both will survive with advice like this helping us limp up the recovery ladder.

Married, you mentioned you'll see me "in R". Your thread is one of the reasons I began reading the JFO forum and helping folks like Lindysue. Don't feel obligated to start a new one on the Recovery forum if you don't want to. In fact, having you stay here may bring more veteran posters back to JFO and remind them of the newbies who innocently post their first stories here.

You said that it's kinda creepy to realize how many may be reading....and it's intriguing to me how many obviously do not post for one reason or another. But I'll bet you'll be amazed at how many are inspired to keep seeking recovery based on what (and how) you share about your pain. Your writing style is definitely an asset here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Again, have a great vacation.

Ace

P.S. Feel free to write to me....anytime.....for any reason, even if it's just to vent. Addy is on my profile.

Ace,

To see how many have read a thread go to the main page of each section and you see how many have read the thread and how many have posted to the thread. The numbers can be staggering.

God Bless,

JL

Hi JL,

I searched my post to see what may have led you to share this:



All I could find was that you may have misinterpreted my sentence:



I can see how you might have thought I was asking HOW to find out HOW MANY were reading/posting. But I was commenting on the fact that over 4500 views means lots of readers are NOT posting a response for one reason or another. (Same thing happens on Marks Marriage/Fishing Thread on the Romantic Experiences forum.)

Thanks for your concern. BTW, your posts were some of the ones that impressed me when I was lurking (& contemplating registering) last January.

Ace

Hi Married, I just wanted you to know that you are not alone with the "obsessive crazies" of wanting to know what those emails contained. I have done the same only with cell phone, my husband did not have a computer or know how to use one. When I finally realized her home phone number and cell I looked them up on cingular online- had copies sent to me (as I had thrown old statements away never suspicious about them) highlighted all the calls, then even made a crude graph showing that he would call same time everyday and how often. I don't know what the calls said, it is probably better than being able to read emails. But seeing the calls made it "real" like I did not see you together but I see this and I could see when he started, when it got more serious and when it was winding down as he said it was pretty much over when I found out and the phone calls showed that pattern. So like Mr. G. said, we are still trying to make sense of why this happened and any clues we can uncover we will search for like bloodhounds.

The biggest eye opener for me and now I get confused with all these posts so can't remember if I wrote or not, is that my husband is passive-aggressive and is beginning to see it himself and I have been his enabler and made it worse (worse for me) and just reading and learning about that suddenly made sense why he did what he did. Know all are not PA so that might not help you at all but it did for me. I just could see the "big" pic and not all the little details like how big were her boobs, I was hung up on all that (and yes, I still dwell on it in my mind) but now I am finally beginning to see her my husband really was/is and who we are together, whether the MC can help us achieve a balance-time will tell or I accept things -but we both have a lot of changing to do. I do identify with your pain and obviously need to know all, I wrote down a list of about 75 questions for him to answer and he did, did it help, I guess, I know he did not care for her and that his passive behavior was let life happen to me, don't try to mend it with my wife -that would be too much effort and what she would have wanted, so just move on to someone less complicated and when he said he was going to end it, I doubt it, he was waiting for me to find out and "rescue" him as he knew I would. I have played the role of rescuer, victim, martyr for too long, that is how I have to change. I just hope I can. But this site has been a great resource. Thanks to you all.

I have not listed my info before
me-58
him-62
OW-42
affair lasted 2 mos
D Day Dec 16, 2005
We have grown children, none together

I wanted to add that I watched Dr. H's video on infidelity and the intensity of the pain, yes, I agree that it is more painful than when my dad died, I think because he was elderly and it is expected and that I had no control over it or it was not a betrayal of trust,etc. It was normal grief. I do disgree with Dr. about him saying one woman said it was worse than losing a child, I would much rather go through infidelity than lose a child. But the pain of infidelity is unbearable at first and the offender will never know. Kind of like trying to tell a man what it is like to have a baby, they will never know.

Lindysue,

Glad you're receiving the help you are seeking on MB. I have other "OW obsession horror" stories <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> but I don't want to list them here. Maybe we should start a new thread about that aspect.

How's it going, Married? Wondering about an update. Also, did you ever get your love letter your H was 'assigned' to write to you?

I just found the folder with ALL of mine that my H wrote from his heart. It's interesting that they seem to mean a lot more now since he has followed through for 6 months with what he promised. And it's getting better every day, week and month. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hope all's progressing and that you check in soon.

Ace

I just wanted to comment on one of Marrieds statements that she seems to almost have OCD at reviewing horrible emails, notes, etc.

I wanted to expresss that this is not something crazy or abnormal that you do. Recently, I've questioned what's brought me to this place in life. And I had to go back to my childhood and review the sexual abuse I was put through. I questioned did it really happen to me, was it really abuse? Was it something that should have as profound an affect on me as it has had? To this day I've recalled that old "Mental DVD" if you will and pressed play in my brain. The memories are still there, they don't go away. But why replay them, why review them? The same has happened to me with my wife's EA online. I review the chat logs in my brain, I no longer actually pull them up on my pc, but I review them on occasion.

I have found I do this because we innately want to just sweep these things into a bag called emotional baggage and forget them. But, we are designed the more we try to forget these horrible things the more we remember them.

Why? Why do we press that preverbial play button on horrible instances like this? Why do we have to relive 9/11/2001 every year? Why do we see the pictures of hurrican katrina every year? The truth is, in my opinion, that we don't believe it happened? In some ways, as we seek a life of normalcy, safety, security, and recovery from extreme hurts and pains, we want some type of affirmation that these things actually happened. They are so surreal and so horrible that it's almost to the point of this is too horrible to actually have happened. There's just no way that a trusted religious family member would force children that look up to them into sexual contact. There's no way someone you knew for 30 years would betray you for these horrible skanks. How could he? He would never do this. Yet, here we are, trying to fathom did they really do this?

It may be tied to the denial phase of our reality. We deny it happened, yet there's that play button, we hit it and relive it and realize once again that this is not just a figment of our imagination, it's not some Stephan King horror story, it's not some horrible news broadcast, it's actually our lives.

You're comment about your life being a Lifetime show really validates this. We see so much around us, but we have a really tough time believing that anything like that could happen to us.

When we get through the denial phase, then curiousity sets in, why did this happen, how did it happen. So we press the play button obsessively. Like searching a crime scene for clues. Why did someone I trusted and admired and was in the care of as a child use me for his twisted sexual perversion? We seek clues, understanding, and something to validate our feelings.

I normally just lurk and read until I have something to offer. I find it hard to come up with advice that's been better than anyone here. However, on this matter of OCD with our mental "Play" button, I have some insight.

I've taken it a step further as I've had time and years of counseling to assist in dealing with everything. The next step I took was tieing the abuse to how I ended up with the marrital issues I've had. With a WW, and none of my needs being met in the past.

I am just now figuring out how to set limits and bounderies. My bounderies and limits as a child were violated and never established. For most of my life I allowed people to walk all over me, bosses, coworkers, friends. I always wondered why most of my friends were egotistical, arrogant, and way smarter than me. Not somethhing someone with lowesteem needs. My entire life was filled with people that could treat me simularly to my abuser. It's what I was familiar with. I'm just learning now to stand up for myself, establish bounderies, express my opinions without fear. Express my emotional state without fear. Something I've never done in my entire life.

Anyways, what I'm trying to say is that a certain amount of playback is necessary for introspection. How do we define ourselves, as someone else mentioned, partially by our past, and partially by our core beliefs and values. When both may be in question about someone where do we go to define ourselves. We have to create new identities new lives for ourselves. That's what your H will be battling with. I know because that's what I'm battling with right now in my marriage. Who am I to my W. Who am I to myself?

Hi LL65,

Thank you for your insight into OW obsessive compulsive disorder behaviors. I think you raise valid identity issues:


I sent the packet of proof to the OW's H but kept the original cards, letters and email hard copies tucked away. My H knows I will keep them for at least 2 years but he does not want to know where they are. I even have audio and video tapes of D-Day #3 I pre-set near the computer before I typed in the email addy I had found 5 hours earlier. I have not listened to the 4 cassette tapes, but I did watch the 2 hour video, which amazingly clicked off into noisy auto-rewind immediately after I turned out the light when we left that room. (He had been surprised but had not complained when I flipped and switched the 30 minute tapes during the confrontation.)

I must admit, I obsess less as less as time goes on. Your insight helps me understand how and why this gripped me for so long. Being a typs A personality and with a bent for details, I figured my 'need to know' would help me. When I realized that I was inadventantly creating more triggers with my OCD, I forced myself to indentify WHY I want to know details that will only make our recovery more difficult. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I decided to focus on building faith and trust, not feeding my fears and paranoia. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

So far, I'm able to overcome my OW OCD......but I understand why it play(s/ed) a part in my reality introspection.

Thanks,

Ace

PS Hey Married, how ya doin?

Yo, married, where are you? Miss you!

Hi Ace, Reprobatemind and All MB Friends!

I’m in Recovery!

I’m on my way to MC with the professor in the next ten minutes. We met with our religious
counselor yesterday and I think I had a mini breakthrough in some vital areas. I hope to share
this when I return this evening.

Our trip to Cape Cod was both exhausting and relaxing, if that makes sense at all. I’m happy to
report that I didn’t execute one single LB or DJ during the entire week. That’s a phenomenal
record for me, as these have plagued my entire marriage....

Memories only began to stir during the flight home. They began to REALLY RAGE as we
turned the corner to reenter our neighborhood. I had vivid memories of that little OW vilifying
the home that I used to love. I have to really work toward erasing this memory from my disk,
because it returns to haunt me DAILY.

I’m out of here now. Hopefully, I’ll be able to post tonight, after our session. Your continued
thoughts and prayers for me and this marriage are so appreciated. Today, right at this minute,
I’m holding steady. I’ll see you in Recovery. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hi Married,

I have never posted to you before, but read this whole thread the other day and wanted to tell you that you are amazing.


I don't think I have seen anyone state that here before, but wanted you to know that for some reason, this always happens to me after my FWH and I travel somewhere. Especially in the early days, I was able to leave his A behind when we were away, but the thoughts always came rushing back as soon as we were on our way home.

I am so much like you, in the LB and DJ department that it is amusing to read your posts. I am slowly, you can see how long I have been at this based on my d-day, learning better self control.

I too think that my FWH had numerous A's during our M and maybe even before. I also don't believe that I will ever really know for sure. I think at this point, I would rather be at the point where I am fairly sure that he is done with that, but I also think that it will be a long time before I get there.

It's kind of odd how these realities seem to hit us when we are at a major turning point in our lives such as retirement. My d-day was 10 days following major surgery at a point where I was moving from a job I loved into the unknown of a new assignment.

I hope that you are enjoying retirement. I will be retiring 13 months from now and am really looking forward to it.

Best of luck to you.

Who

Hi, Whome?

I just saw your post yesterdaybut it was hard to get back to you!

In regard to the trigger of returning home.....Yes, it hits me whenever we turn the corner. I asked the professor if he ever felt a 'twinge or any bad memories" when we round the corner. His answer?

"Well.....I think about it now and then, but I'm not going to let it stay in the forefront and ruin the good time that we just had."

Well....good for him, but that just doesn't seem to work for me. I keep looking for the OW and the car...I keep remembering how tragic that day was for me....I keep remembering how very old the professor looked to me that day, when his "sweet young thing" stood behind our garage, ready to 'kick butt." He looked even older when talking to the police officers a bit later. If I hadn't been so angry with him, I would have felt sorry. The man was aging before my very eyes.

When we went away for a short week-end excursion shortly thereafter, I was able to store away the memory, but as soon as we prepared to return home, the triggering began anew.

I don't know what to do about it. It has lessened, but it returns nevertheless. I really hate the feeling that this OW and the professor have hoisted something upon me without my consent. The idea that the two of them conspired and left me with these mental scars is taking some getting used to.

I do think we can make it, but sometimes a simple song will trigger me. While riding along this week, the old song, "Me and Mrs. Jones", by Billy Paul, came on the radio.

Well I used to hear this song a million times back in the '70's and never thought about it for a second! Let me tell you, the professor threw his head back and began to belt out the chorus: "Me and Mrs. Jones, we've got a thing going on....We both know it's wrong, but it's too_______________________________________to let it go. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

He looked over at me once he felt the chill in the car. I bit my tongue to keep the LB's inside of my mouth and glared at him. He simply leaned over and mumbled something before turning to another station. See? It's that sort of crap that just zooms me. Wouldn't you think this guy would have the good commom sense and decency, not to sing this particular song, from the top of his darn lungs?

It used to be so popular, heck I loved it too....as a naive 19 year old.....but it is NOW, the unofficial anthem of infidelity. Jeez....Shouldn't that have occured to him? How obtuse and totally clueless can one man be??????? If THAT is a DJ, then darn it, I'm guilty!

I need to figure out what to do about the triggers and I haven't read anything yet that has helped me.

I do keep reading that triggers are lessened over time and I have to believe that. I do believe it actually...but it's the present that I'm trying to face on a daily basis.

So, you are going to be a retiree? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> So far, I am in hog heaven. I am looking forward to the next chapter of doing more of what I want. I wish the same for you. The next 10 months are going to sail by.....the last 3? Not so much! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I am praying that we both will make it through this stuff that A's have visited upon us.

Hi Married,

I am so proud of you. You really are handling this beautifully and still keeping your sense of humor. I can not tell you the advantage of having MB to help. I was 15 months past d-day when I finally found this site and was barely holding on at that point.

I am much better now.


This is a pretty common sentiment around here for BS's. My FWH actually said to me at one point, "I didn't think you would care." DUH! BTW, we had similar issues regarding SF. I knew he wanted and needed more frequent SF, but I listened to women at my office who all seemed to have sworn off SF, so I thought that the lack of desire on my part was just the way things changed in a relationship over time.


Again, this is normal. It is like once you have experienced infidelity, either as a BS or WS, the world takes on a completely different look and feel. You see and hear things that never affected you before. Affairs were something that happened to OTHER people, but never to US.

You now see, that infidelity is EVERYWHERE, in novels, in movies, in music, on TV. Rarely do any of these mediums succeed in accurately portraying the agony, unhappiness and life changing devastation caused by something that is often even the subject of comedy routines or jokes.

Recovery is so hard to achieve and the passage is narrow, with many twists and turns and rough patches. Please remember that when you are having a bad day, tomorrow will probably be better. Enjoy those good days and steel your inner strength for the bad ones, because you have to accept that they are always around the corner, especially in the early days.

Your whole world has been changed forever, and it takes a long, long time to learn to accept that. I still don't like the change, but I have learned to accept what I can not change and try to build a better future.

My FWH and I had a set back a couple of months ago where it appeared that he might be contemplating beginning a new inappropriate friendship.

The result is that we are in counseling with Jennifer now and I honestly think he understands that there won't be another opportunity to recover for us. It is now and forever, or never. That has been a hard point for me to reach, but one that I have to live by now.

Good luck to you Married, don't ever forget that you have a great sounding board available for those difficult days ahead on your personal recovery journey. The path is well worn.

Best,

Who

I follow this post and the one How did my husband and I fall victim to adultery? I just posted on that one earlier and follow this one. Memories/reminders/connections- it is all there all the time. My husband and I went to a wedding where we previously lived and he had his affair-the OW was someone he had known for years and he was a good friend to her brother and all her family. So there at the wedding is not the OW but her sister (who reportedly was angry at my H for "using" her sister while married to me) sitting at the table next to us-my H goes over and talks to her like nothing happened and the sister was cordial enough to him, but the sister and OW favor and I sat there looking at her and thinking of the OW and how could he be so friendly knowing that it is painful for me, he did not need to ignore her but did not have to go out of his way to speak, I know they would have embraced him in their family as the answer to their prayers for their little sister (OW) to have him if he had divorced me because they all liked him-he is a very likable guy. Oh well, there will always be a connection to this event and it is a different world now.

Hi Lindysue,

Glad things are progressing for you. Married has a new recovery thread Forgiveness going I thought I'd link for you and others. I'm getting ready to update my "Trials & Smiles" thread (at her request) soon.

Ace