For those who have done exposure, how long did it take for your spouses to try MC?

By your own admission you have verbally, emotionally, physically, and sexually ABUSED your wife. She has left for whatever reason and method.

You need to concentrate on individual counseling...not marriage counseling.

JMHO
committed

Agreed. And I am. I have been in IC since March 26th.

I have admitted to all and taken responsibility for my actions. I don't think that I have an easy road ahead. And other than the EA I have not brought up any of my WS's part in the downward spirl of or marriage. And I will not bring them up here right now. In the future I may if it is what is needed to help our marriage. It does not help to concintrate on her. I can only change myself.

What I want is the oppertunity to sit down with an MC and talk about our marriage and how we can work together to make a better future. I do not beleive that the actions of my past will dictate my future. They were all choices I made in my past and I can make new choices everyday. I already have started. When she has called and started yellign and cursing at me, I have asked her to stop or I will say goodnight and hang up. This has happened three times since she moved out.

I don't want to go back to the way things were. But I do feel that everything in our marriage can be dealt with through counseling.

What I want is the oppertunity to sit down with an MC and talk about our marriage and how we can work together to make a better future. I do not beleive that the actions of my past will dictate my future.

This is the stuff that you need to back burner right now.

Until she in convinced that you are not going back to your abusive actions, she is not going to do ANYTHING with you...MC or not.

Your actions are going to show that you are concentrating on making a better YOU...not trying to make a better marriage.

It is SO not about the marriage right now. It is about YOU and your abusive behaviors.

You have told her in the past that you will change...and it didn't happen. She has zero guarantee about this time too.

JMHO
committed

So am I supposed to hold off on sending the letter? My WW will never ask to start MC as long as she is involoved in an EA. The longer the EA goes on the harder it will be to end. She will also ignore anything I do to change until after she starts NC.

I am willing to wait for her to start MC. I have asked thats all I can do. Until then I continue to work on myself. And a month and a half is not long enough to show any lasting change. I know that. But there has been changes and I plan to continue these new choices regardless of her actions.

No, no. Send the letter. I think what committed was talking about was all the relationship stuff. You can't talk MC and related items to your WW right now. She's not ready for it. You have to do a great Plan A before any of that should happen.

Where is WW living (no not the geographical location...hotel, apartment, etc.) and who's paying for that? Are your children with you?

She is staying at my sister's house. The kids are with her. They are 2 states away.

I currently plan on visiting the first week if June. I talk to the kids daily. I just can't afford to go any sooner.

I give her money every paycheck to cover groceries and household needs and such. She is looking for a job and an apartment. My sister has agreed to let her stay there for another 2 weeks. I will not be paying any more once she moves out. What I pay is pretty close to the state requirements for child support.

I agree that she is not ready for MC yet. Right now she will not talk to me unless she needs something. Even if its not MC we need to be able to talk about the kids. She has made decisions about their schooling without talking to me about it. The kids mentioned it on the phone the other day.

I am trying to plan A. I send her notes and call her to see how her job search is coming along. I have let her know that myself and several of my friends are praying for her.

Until she stops the EA none of it will matter to her. But I try anyway.

I showed the letter to my IC and he agreed with me sending it. It went out this afternoon. The only worry I have now is she may read this and warn OM to cover his tracks.

You could've just emailed me and asked. Your wife was in pain, several people felt compassion, myself included. I told her I wan nothing to do with the "final straw" in your marriage. I've never met her or conversed with her in real life, nor do I intend to. I've asked that it be over. Feel free to email me and we can hash it out. Again, emotionally, I'm out. My sincere apologies.

Otherguy...take it from someone who's wife has been involved in an 'online' affair...you don't need to have conversed with her in "real life" for this to have been completely destructive to the marriage.

I get that you were trying to 'be there' for her...but if you've come here, I'm hoping you'll take the time to read and understand WHY all contact between you and her has to end completely.

I'm also curious how you found this site, and this specific poster's thread to respond to?

At this point, I think the best thing you could do would be to end everything between you and her by letting her know how much her H DOES love her and want her back...he's come here asking for advice, looking to learn how to make things right...that's a HUGE step in the right direction. Tell her that she needs to work on her marriage, and that there can never be ANY kind of communication between the two of you again.

And then take steps to ensure that there won't be. Change emails/cell phone numbers/whatever to ensure that she can't contact you. Trust me as a man who's now in a successfully recovered marriage...this is the BEST that you can do for her.

I totally understand. It was actually platonic and got way out of hand. I have done just what you recommend, before you've recommended it. Have never given any phone numbers nor never intended to. I'm certainly not intending to judge him or what the have or don't have. I've heard one side, but there are always two sides. Like I said, I'm out. They need to work on each other, and I fully intend on staying out of it. Thanks for the reasonable response.

Hey
is other guy the OM for BH's Wife??
For real?

IF so,
how the heck did you (other guy) learn of this thread??

Or if he won't answer,
do you know how he (found out) then got on here betrayed husband??

Next:
So its OK other guy,
for YOU to contact another man's wife .....but YOU expect someone else to ONLY go through YOU and Not contact your W?
Is that about the jist of it?

Besides if it was not an EA, then should be NO Problem with YOUR W finding out. (Cause I'm sure you Never wrote anything you wouldn't mind her reading)

Sounds like the CLB in my situation .......always wanting to keep it ONLY between the 3 of us, and NOT let the 4th person touched by their actions even KNOW it went on.

edit (sp)

Ialready informed my W. His W informed me when it started and apologized for getting me involved. I just wanted him to know I'm out and contact with her is over. Like I said it was platonic and got out of hand, and for that I feel terrible.

That's most excellent news there other guy.

Consequently,
(since she already knows)
there won't be any problem with BH contacting her himself just to verify ...and then of course to make sure she understands the true nature of the situation (and not simply YOUR version of things).

By the way,
Thanx for answering the question of how'd ya come to know.
Although ya gotta admit,
Kinda interesting that HIS W is keeping You up to speed on things.
In any case,
hope you are geniune in your claim of being out of the picture for good. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Otherguy,
Just so you know, an online EA is as damaging as a PA, and given the opportunity, you probably would have crossed the line into a PA. My H's xOW would've. What did you tell yourself to justify doing this to your own wife?
You should feel terrible, but I won't say much because I know you are going thru your own kind od H3ll from your own wife about now. I am almost 2 yrs past my H's "indiscretion"
and am just now seeing the daylight. Their "innocent little tryst to make each other feel like kids again" cost me 2 years of sanity. Innocence of the marriage-lost, my self esteem- in the gutter- trust in him- still rebuilding,
thinking i could never live without him-not anymore. There are huge ramifications to the innocent party and I strongly suggest you read every word on this forum to put your own marriage back on track so that you don't torture your own wife any further. And now look what our own BH is going thru!!!
If you hadn't notice EA's are a trigger of mine, excuse the rant.

22Dev

Duly noted. I screwed up. Just want the husband to know I'm not a vile human out to wreck homes.

OG,

Thank you for your posts...not sure I've seen this on MB before. And thank you for understanding how suspicious anyone is of promises by OM (which is what you would be) and promises. I say this because you sound absolutely authentic to me.

In my recollection, awhile ago, BH reported that his wife said she was going no contact with you. More recently, he discovered more contact.

And why it would be great if you did allow BH to email your wife with simple information...not because you aren't believable...because so many other OM have said and not done the same thing. Top Rope's suggestion as a friend of your marriage as well, I believe.

And I believe you making it so BH's wife cannot email you is your act of being a friend to their marriage.

LA

If there has been NC then it is news to me. I just read this and am trying to fiqure it out. So far he does seem to be OM.

I will respond more in a bit.

I have told her I will no longer continue contact, period. He is welcome to confirm.
And, I am being as genuine as I can. I does hurt and embarrass me that I am party in whatever scope to a broken marriage. I know I didn't cause it, but I certainly don't want any part in making it worse.

She's pushing for explanations. I told her no more.

If NC is actually true. Then thank you. This will allow us over time to work on the other problems we have. And maybe restore our marriage.

I will think about emailing you but right now I can't see how that would help. I would rather keep things in the open for now.