Look. Try to put yourself in her shoes for a moment. Maybe open-toe sandals so you don't hurt yourself but her shoes nonetheless.

Imagine that you have just been caught doing the unthinkable. And worse yet - it all fell apart. Do you blame yourself? Do you accept responsibility for doing what you know to your core is wrong? Or do you blame someone else - anyone else. Do you blame the person who you have convinced yourself you hate because it was the only way to justify the way you have been behaving?

Who do you expect her to blame right now? You have to take this one for the team. She'll change in time. She will come back to reality. But not yet. So be strong. She can't help but respect that.

I highly recommend you look into ADs for her.

Something else that WW doesn't understand right now but you need to. OM could have been anyone. There was never anything special about him. Your WW was primed to have an A and he was the first target she found. If it hadn't been him, it would have been the next guy. It almost makes me wonder if she doesn't have a good friend who has done this recently.



I wouldn't bet my money on this. She wants to believe in the fantasy but something is keeping at least one of her toes on the ground. If she were to leave with him, she knows deep down that the fantasy would be dead.

I have said before - she is not in love with OM. She is in love with the affair.

I did send my WW off packing to OM and told her never to come back. She called me the next day begging me to take her back. I did. Only time will tell whether that was a right decision in my case. I did it because I still loved WW. I woke up this morning and today I love her. Feelings are strange.

And what is your plan if he doesn't or she pursues him? I don't know if it will happen or not. I do suggest you be prepared for the contingency. I say this because I am betting it will be hard for your WW to let go of the A. It is hard because the alternative is for her to look into herself and she is afraid that what she will see is not pretty.

Personally I think her A is dead or dying. It will never ever be what she had imagined. Even she realizes that now. Where do you plan to be when the dust settles?

How are the kids handling this BTW? How are you protecting them?

my plan? I guess I continue with plan A for a while longer... regardless of her choices.

Kids - lets see, D17 is the only one that knows details, and she's pretty much messed up over this. She's a diagnosed cyclothymic (think mild bipolar) and it hasn't helped. D14 and S12 know that mom and dad aren't happy lately, were crushed when mom left for a week, but are happy to have her back. Moms a much better cook than dad.

I believe its dying as well. I think that OM is just a 26 yr old kid looking for a no strings good time with a great girl with a fantastic bod and unbelievable personality. The drama and strings of having a psycho husband and lots of baggage (HOPEFULLY!) just got to be too much when measured out.

I will work towards getting her on AD's. She resisted when I discussed it before... interestingly enough, one of the emails she went back thru this afternoon was one on withdrawal... like NOW she needs it, not last Sun when she told me she had quit the A.

Piojitos - I can't tell you how very much I appreciate your candor, advice, and sharing your own trials/tribulations, and the difference it makes knowing that someone out there hears what I'm saying and can understand me. I've got a lot of close friends - interestingly, my wifes two closest friends are sisters, and the friends are their husbands... Both the sisters have had A's in the last 6 years... and both have been CONSTANTLY railing WW over her choices, etc.

Go find new friends. Seriously. Avoid these friends like the plague. What is more important? A few friends or your marriage? If they are real friends, they'll understand your choice.

Please don't take this wrong. I'm sure you think your WW is the most beautiful, spectacular,desireable woman in the world. You are wrong however. My WW is. The best your WW can hope to achieve is 1st runner-up. In the event that my WW is unable to fulfill those duties, your WW can take over those responsibilities.

Don't mistake the way you view your WW for the way OM views her. You see her that way because you love her. And that is a good thing.

What I noticed is that I started seeing my WW as attractive but no longer Miss Universe. Then I started seeing her as interesting. As love fades, so will the glow of your WW dim. As long as you still see her as 1st runner-up (1st place already taken), I would stay in Plan A.

Another suggestion. Your WW doesn't really need a husband right now - she needs a friend. Be her best friend. It won't be easy. It will be hard for her to discuss things with you because she won't want to hurt your feelings. If you invite her to anyway, swallow the pain. You need to be there for her at this moment. Being a BS in Plan A simply sucks. There is very little good about it.

why find new friends? Both are BH's, both have been through he!! to get back to where they are in their marriages, and both are supportive of me. Listening, praying, playing golf, etc.

Aren't those the kinds of supportive friends that you should surround yourself with?

Maybe I misunderstood you. I thought you said friends' wives were encouraging your WW's affair behavior. If they are pro-marriage, by all means keep them.

You should never tolerate affair enablers in your life. Even if they are best friends. An enabler is anyone who doesn't think an A is abhorrent. You can't be Switzerland in regard to affairs. There is NO neutral position. The only acceptable policy for enablers is "nuke em". If Switzerland weren't so close to Italy, I'd nuke them too. Maybe I could wait for a day that the wind was blowing due west....two birds with one nuclear weapon...Yeah, that's it! That's the ticket!

OK - Now she's really in withdrawal...

Came home from the pool today, sat down and read two long emails that each of my parents wrote her... as you can imagine, they were less than flattering or congratulatory on recent events. She flipped out. Said this is why its irrepairable, this is why its not worth it, and that she doesn't deserve this. Immediately started talkingabout me moving out and going to see anlawyer on Monday for a legal separation.

I am trying to calm her down, but not with much luck. She went out for a 'drive', came back an hour later, still fuming, and said she's meeting her two girlfriends (prev discussed) for a glass of wine to vent.

Hopefully they can talk some sense into her. I am staying calm, not defending my parents, not getting judgemental, etc, but she's using the lawyer word really quickly now.

Okay don't fret the lawyer too much. That is a pretty common threat. OTOH this is fairly serious and one of the bigger risks. I would talk to your parents and ask them to back off. Tell them you want to work to save the M but you need them to give you time. My family (and my WW's family) were all well intentioned and all against the A but it got to the point where I had to tell them all to just shut up. Too many variables that you have no control over. I also told them I didn't want their advice either. Trust me - they were NOT qualified to give any.

Withdrawal is a good thing. It will have to happen. Just do your best to be her friend, assure her, remind her you love her and will do anything to help her. Each day will get slightly better. ADs will help her too. Avoid arguments. Avoid LB's and DJ's. Stay with Plan A. NC is critical right now. You're doing great. Stay strong. Believe it or not, everything you are observing is normal.

How can I use the word "normal" right now? Affairs are just strange. They defy logic.

I just wanted to add that addicts don't go into withdrawal if they are still taking the drug. But they crave the drug to remove the pain of withdrawal. If OM did dump her as you believe, her source has been cut off. So she is like a trapped animal and will probably react like one. Remember not to take to heart anything she says right now. She is in pain and would love nothing more than to share it with you. So don't let her. Now is the time you have to be really strong. No matter how much the things she says hurt, swallow it.

First thing you should do every day before you talk to WW is ask yourself what your goal is. Don't let that goal change until the next day. Don't change horses midstream. Don't allow distractions. Don't get up in the morning and tell yourself you want the M and then at noon decide on divorce. If you decide for divorce, you can certainly wait 18 hours or so. In other words, sleep on it.

My WW hid her withdrawal from me. I think that was a combination of pride and shame but I don't know for sure. I do know that your WW is not "herself" right now. One way or another she will eventually come out of withdrawal. The worst of it won't last long.

You may get to the point that she no longer wants the M because she is ashamed and feels she doesn't deserve it. My WW did this. I have to tell you this is just one "joy" after another. Just when you think it can't get any worse, it does. And THEN when you think it can't possibly get even worse than THAT...surprisingly it doesn't. And it starts to get better.

But you need to make sure she stays away from OM. Any contact will just make this thing drag out ad nauseum.

So how are you holding up in all this? Have I told you lately that Plan A sucks? In case I haven't, it does. And when your WW's face turns green and her head does a 360 spin and she accuses you of being responsible for Pluto, just remember that my WW already laid the blame for that one on me. You might accept responsibility for the polar ice absorbing less CO2 than expected. My WW hasn't hit me with that one yet.

The most important thing for you to be right now is consistent. I don't care what consistent means to you but be it whatever "it" is. Even if you have to lie. Your WW's emotions are all over the place. You need to be a constant. You have to be the anchor. You don't trust her right now and with good reason. What you may not understand is that she doesn't trust you either. In all of her insane ramblings, she is lucid enough to watch you. She is looking for chinks in your armor. If you say one thing on a day and something different the day after, she will pick up on it. Part of her withdrawal process is learning to trust you.

If I cheated on my W and she told me she loved me and wanted me back, my first instinct would be not to believe her. Why would she? It would be an obstacle for me to get myself back into the M. I think my WW still has these feelings after two years. I made a lot of mistakes in my Plan A. My biggest mistake was inconsistency. Be a better man than me. It pays off.

ok - big bad day yesterday...

I come home, and she's been on my PC and found a copy of an email that I saved. So now she knows I know about the 2nd email address... She flipped. Saying I'm psycho, why do I want to be with her when she can't stand me, etc.etc.

She said she was going to a lawyer on Monday to do a legal separation, etc. I responded back with its too soon, you haven't even stopped your affair and you're discussing separation, and on and on.

It was only when I threatened to tell OM's mom that she shut up. I don't know the whole story, but evidently something bad must have happened to OM that makes him freak out about his parent's finding out. That also explains why he told her to stop calling/texting/writing him until after our marriage was sorted out. He absolutely is freaked about me contacting his family.

And today is graduation, and she has to be around my parents (who know all, of course)... It was very uncomfortable for everyone - even the kids sensed something was off.

So here we sit - she's here but doesn't want to be, and is vocal about it to her friends and me. I'm here trying to be Mr nice and putting up with it. So we're in somewhat of a standoff...

I guess the questions are, how long do I wait? Until I no longer find her attractive emotionally? Until I hate her? Or until she cracks and calls him? (I believe she's using the house phone now to call him so I can't see who she's calling, anyway)

And - should I also call OM and leave him a voicemail stating that with any further contact with my wife I'll go to his mom??

I know that exposure is highly recommended, but if I expose this to his mom, I lose my last 'threat' with my wife, and she's out the door...


Help?!?

So what exactly is stopping you? If the A is ongoing, expose...expose...expose. Of course it will piss her off. She may even go to a lawyer. So what? You might just "nice" your way to divorce if you keep this up. Until you kill this A, you have no hope.

You are reminding me of how the USA sent videos of the MOAB to Saddam before the war. If you have a weapon that you don't intend to use, it isn't a weapon.

How long do you keep this up? First tell OM's mom and then start a timeline. Right now all you are doing is killing your love for your WW. And you can't keep it up for long.



No. Don't make threats - take actions. Just call his friggin' mom already. I'm sure she will let him know you called. Also, don't leave a paper trail. I'm sure you will get that voice mail played back to you at your divorce hearing if it comes to that.



I contend that if you don't she will be out the door eventually unless you boot her out first. You are in the fight of your life. Don't leave any bullets in the gun.

And I can tell you from experience that more weapons always avail themselves.

FLB,

This is just my POV. I have said before that whether your WW stays or goes has very little to do with you right now. It sounds like you two are in a Mexican standoff. You threaten OM's mom, she counters with lawyer.

Pull the trigger.

The worst action you can take right now is inaction. You have to kill the A. You have to get NC. You already suspect she is calling. Get a phoneline recorder and install it. That's what I did and it is how I found out my WW was lying to me. I only used it for a week but it was enough.

You cannot run a prison. You cannot control your WW's behavior. If she wants to have an A, she will have an A regardless of your level of vigilence.

Stop trying to prevent her from taking the drug. Take the drug away completely. As long as that drug is available, it is a temptation she will not be able to resist.

I got hold of OM's cellphone. I called everyone in his phonebook. AFAIK, OM never called my WW again. Tell everyone anything you want as long as you have proof. Avoid slander.

OM's mom can't be much older than your WW. I'm sure that fact won't be lost on her.

she says if I am recording calls w/o her knowledge she's out and gone, AND calling the police because she knows its against the law.

I'm in slowdown mode right now... trying to keep things calm for everyone, esp kids, as we still have two in the house with a couple of weeks of school left.

Since I followed OM home and freaked him out, he has only emailed once, and that was to tell her not to confirm that it was him in the truck that I followed... they may be on the phone, but I don't think so.

I'm working for a couple of weeks of calm first, then take it from there.

Do you mind if I ask you what, at this particular time, you are really afraid of?

This has nothing to do with what you are doing or not doing. I just think it will be helpful to you right now to start asking yourself some fundamental questions. I think it helps clear your vision and will aid your personal healing.

So what do you fear most right now? It can be anything.

Now is a good time to start looking within. I believe this will be a good thing for you.

I will tell you that when I was where you are now, my greatest fear was losing my children and #2 was not knowing how I could live without my wife because it was a totally foreign concept to me.

Maybe your greatest fear is snakes. I hate snakes too.

No, she's out the door if you don't because the affair will become more entrenched. Why do you think they are so afraid of this exposure? Because they know it would be ruinous to the affair. This exposure would ruin EVERYTHING. His parents may threaten to kick him out if he doesnt stop seeing her. It also ruins ANY FUTURE HOPE of this relationship becoming anything else if his mother knows your wife is married, because she would never be allowed to darken their doorstep.

You have a POWERFUL weapon in your hands, FL, and you are refusing to use it. WHY? You have to stand up for your family and do what is right for them. If this exposure will end/ruin this affair, whyever in the world would you not do it?

WHY? Because she might get mad? If that is the case, I would emphasize to you that the goal here is to SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE, not to avoid making her mad at all costs. If your WW does not get mad, then that means you are just appeasing her. Appeasing her will not save your marriage when she is hellbent on destroying it.


Are her threats of "filing" what is stopping you from doing anything to help yourself? If this is the case, be assured that ALL waywards make the THREAT of "filing" when you interfere with the affair. It is almost always empty TALK designed to get you to stop interfering. Even if they do "file," which is very rare, it is even rarer that it ever goes to divorce.

BUT, i predict this WILL go to divorce if you CONTINUE TO PROTECT THE AFFAIR by keeping their dirty secret. You are enabling your own demise, my friend. And this is going to get much worse unless you get up and do something. STOP PROTECTING THE OM. You are supposed to be on YOUR SIDE, not HIS.

Go and tell his mother and dad TODAY about the affair, FL. Stop being scared and stand up for your family.

What she said!

wife is leaving, moving out. Says she can't take it anymore.

Wants to get an apartment, etc.

I am getting close to losing hope here.

I'm sorry to hear that. The kids and I will miss you here at HOME. How do you want to be sure that each of us is taking care of our finances from this point forward?

In other words her moving out doesn't mean she gets/keeps everything (kids, furtnitire, memberships, cars, etc) except on FL_Blindsided. That's not how this works.

Also, expose to OM's parents now not later and finish off this little affair so that she truly does have to think about going this alone. A little reality if you will.

See your attorney on the sly to let them know what's going on and that you are still trying to save your M but need to get things in order just in case.

She wants to move out so she can resume her affair in PEACE. The OM is probably SCARED of you and won't touch her with a 10 foot pole until she is seperated.

This is your cue to take action to RUIN the affair before it becomes more entrenched. You would ruin the affair if you would go knock on the OM's momma's door and tell him's mommy and daddy that he is acting trashy with a married woman. I suspect this would be ruinous to the affair. The infidels are TERRIFIED of this exposure.

But, if you continue on your path of doing nothing, the affair will become MORE entrenched.


If you won't do anything to help yourself, you are right to lose hope. But it doesn't have to be that way. You do have weapons in your arsenal that could save your marriage if you will only use them.

Go knock on the OM"s mother's door. Introcude yourself as the father of three children, married to the women that her son is sleeping with. You must protect your children and marriage and you can't do that if you allow it to continue. God knows, that if my OW's H had had the balls to let me know about my WH's A it would have stopped one year earlier. Alot less pain and on going interaction.
Your WW will threat,, scream, and may do things you don't want. She already is!! See your attorney to ensure your children's financial state. Cut off the cell phone. Make her afford her lifestyle if she chooses to go it on her own. You do not support, should not support her A and lifestyle required to maintain it.
Your younger two children should also know about the affair. That it isn't just "we are having some problems right now" but that mom's behavior is unacceptable to the marriage and family. No LB'ing. Plan A. If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. Take your own time out. Come here to vent.
Good Luck