found this song - really sums up my feelings.



<rant>
I can't believe how selfish she's being!!! She's telling me how she needs an apartment, that her mom's isn't good enough because she needs to be 'alone', and all that other crap! I know the only reason she wants an apartment is to be able to have him anytime she wants - AHHGGHHGGH!!! this sucks!!!! She can't see what she's doing to the kids, to me, and on and on... she tells me she loves me, isn't 'in love with me' and therefore can't be with me when she's got such strong feelings for another guy... AAAARRRRGGGHHHH!!!!

<rant off>

sorry for that - but its better to come out here than on her.

She will absolutely bankrupt us... I am watching my job slip away, my career tumble, my bank accounts drop, I just took a 30k cut in pay due to having to give up some key functions @ work, and she insists this is her issue, not ours.

She admitted to calling him today to 'ask him a question'... wouldn't tell me what it was, but was important enough for her to break NC.. (as if she's really kept it...)

Piojitos - you were right, this is hard - I don't think I can do it any more...

This thing is spiraling downward. The OM will NEVER stay with her. Tell his parents. Tell his boss. Tell your younger children.

Let your wife know that she needs a job TOMORROW because you will be filing for custody of the kids and she will be needing to pay child support.

Don't give her any money.

If you are depressed, get some anti-Ds.

I'm on AD's now for 5 days - don't seem to be helping with anything other than sleep. (sleep was much needed!!)

What are her rights if she files separation papers? What do I owe her? What can she legally take if she leaves? She's using the "L" word (Lawyer, unfortunately not Love) a lot. She has lots of attorney friends, and I'm sure they are counseling her as to her rights.... so I guess I need to go spend some $$ to see what mine are.

Am planning on dropping the bomb on OM's parents the second she steps out the door. Can't really explain here, but there are other factors at play that are causing that delay.

As hard-headed as my wife is, I don't expect her to come back any time soon. This could be a LONG deal, and I don't have the $$ for that. Or attorneys. And since she has no $$, I have to pay for hers as well, I guess.

this really sucks... a month ago I thought I was golden... best job, exploding career, company was taking off, greatest kids, and of course the most loving and wonderful wife in the world... and now most of that has been shattered. (sorry for the pity party, but typing it out is somewhat cathartic...)

No, you don't. You shouldn't pay her a cent unless it is court ordered. Make her work for everything. Cut off her money and she can't get legal help unless she goes to work.

But, nothing is going to change until you start fighting this affair, FL. You have a powerful weapon in your hand and i see no reason why you should not use it. I would expose the OM and your W right now before she leaves. If you ruin her affair, she may not leave.

You are believing your wife too much. Make EVERYTHING as difficult as you can. Tell her to get a job as you will need the child support. Expose, expose, expose. When the affair ends, you will see a different person.

If she files, and the OM sees he may be stuck with a woman with 3 kids, he will disappear. You have all of the power. Use it. Be calm and hard.

FLB,

I'm telling you man to man, the only wrong thing you can do is nothing. Get off your [censored]. Use every weapon you can think of. What is the worst that can happen? Your wife might leave you? Wake up! You are screwing up big time right now.

When I was in your position (and this is absolutely true), I went out and bought the soundtrack to Rocky and I played that Rocky theme over and over. You are down. You are beat up pretty badly. But you are NOT out. Now get up and start swinging like you had a purpose. Time to kick some [censored].

had a complete meltdown tonite... (bad deal...)

came home from spending some time with friends, wife was already in bed... checked my email spy software and found a 2pg letter my wife sent to OM.

That sent me over the edge.

I called her names, I said hurtful stuf back that I'd been holding off of for a long time, and she left and went to moms.

I also called OM again, as well as OM's mommy... As I was doing it, my wife was threatening me - 'call and I'll never speak to you again'... I asked if I could please get that in writing...

So - anger 1, FL_blindsided 0...

ok, here is the thing....you have recieved so much advise the last few days but you are doing NOTHING....you need to get out of your pity party, dust off your clothes and ACT. you need to expose, methodically. OM's mum should be told, immediately. You need to cut off all financial support. You need to take deep long breaths and clear your head. Its not easy, but you have to do something. Your wife seems to be having the upper hand here, and you should be calling the shots. Please remember that it will get better. It looks bleak, but it will get better. But please please start acting...please...

Good for you!



About friggin time!



By my count it's FL_blindsided 2, affair 1

This is nothing in the greater scheme of things. This is a course correction. This blow up will not alter the direction of events to come. This is great. Now get back to Plan A or B but get back to a plan.

Did you expose to his parents? Thats all I want to know.

yup - his mom tried to argue with me on the phone, so I dropped off a couple of the emails in her mailbox.

calmer minds prevailed today...

she came back over to the house later this morning and we talked for a couple of hours. Spent some time talking to the kids, explaining whats going on, and what we're doing.

She's set on being at her mom's, finding a job, and getting her own apartment. I'm trying to work a great plan A, avoiding LB's as I was last week.

We changed out her cellphone to her name (took her off our plan) this is both bad and good. I was obsessing about checking her calls/messages, to the point of being psycho. At least this way I can't check (or obsess).

Space is going to be good for both of us. I think. The apartment will be bad. I know. I need her home.

we met our oldest daughter out at the mall this evening, and afterwards went and ate dinner together (just her and me). It was nice, no calls from ANYONE, and we really seemed to enjoy each others company. She gave me a big hug and even a good kiss... Regardless of what I felt last night, I still love her and want her home.

You know? I've heard that some BS's obsess. I personally can't imagine ANYONE doing such a silly thing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

It is good that you have taken the cellphone temptation away. Look, I know this is killing you. One rule: don't ever let em see you sweat. You have to "appear" to be the Rock of Gibralter even though you are not. Look at your WW as you would a strange rottweiler - show no fear.

What is your belief? To me it sounds like she wants freedom to conduct her affair without your influence. Will she agree to give up custody while she is "on vacation"? How are your kids handling this? Just remember, no matter how angry or depressed you may get, never talk bad about Mom to the kids.

When talking to your WW, don't "over-communicate". Keep talk simple. Don't act interested in what she is doing. She needs to understand that you are beginning to move on with your life (even though you aren't actually doing that). You need to remove her safety net.

believer,

If you happen to read this, would you post your Dobson post here? I know it really helped me. It might help FLB too.

gotcha... I'll be cool hand luke, and just chill.

from what I can piece together from multiple conversations we've had over the past 5 weeks, my letter to her in January (earlier post), my verbally abusive behavior (dDec-Feb), and the shock of discovering that she COULD end up alone is what sent her on this mission for self-sufficiency. Finding another man appears to just be one part of the bigger picture. (Finding that she could still attract a much younger man is another issue!) She is also focusing on the lack of a career, and her failure to complete college as other pieces she wants to get in line.

She told me today that she wouldn't put the kids through a custody battle, that she thinks since its now summer we should encourage them to stay with who they want to stay with - either here @ home w me, or at her moms with her. Based on how that goes, she said she wants to consider either a 2 or 3 bdrm apartment later this summer once she finds a job.

Giving her space this time - not a fullblown plan B, but much closer to it than before. I will not be calling her 24/7, texting her, checking up on her, etc. As a wise person once told me, if she's going to cheat, she's going to cheat. All I can do by engaging in those activities (LB's for her) is push her that much further away.

Man - is this tough!

Believer posted me the Dobson post many times. I was reluctant to listen at first. After a while, it made sense. It made so much sense that I was absolutely ready for WW to go. She, as true to the post, decided that her freedom wasn't all she thought it might be. She was so reluctant, in fact, that I darn near got arrested in the Miami airport. It is funny now but wasn't then.

To an extent, we all want to be self-sufficient. I noted in an earlier post that you were not happy about her getting a job. I decied maybe that was just because of the A. Regardless, it is a sign you are trying to control her. You want her to be dependent on you. Let her go. Give her the freedom she wants to fulfill her life in positive ways.

The A was an act of desperation. She wants something that she isn't getting. She knows the A with a 26 YO mamma's boy isn't going to enrich her life. I could give you the cat peeing on the carpet story but a) people complain and b) you can search for it if you are that interested.

Act supportive in all the positive things she wants to do. School? Absolutely. Job? Great idea. There is nothing wrong with those things. They don't lead to affairs.

Remember Plan A is about you. You need to continue to become a better you regardless of what WW is doing.

That might be from Dobson's book, "Love Must Be Tough", an excellent book that really helped me during my 'time'.

When is the right time to use the Dobson method?

My WH left almost three months ago. Since then, (in the beginning) we spoke fairly often, but now, the past few weeks, I have not heard from him once (although, have been told he has asked about me to friends)

Did I silently let him go... without having to say the words?

Dobson is not a method AFAIK. It is a way of thinking. If you have to ask that question, the answer is "no".

I'm really sorry. Do you have a thread? I would like to read it in the morning.