Yes, I do piojitos.

I understand it is a way of thinking. What I meant is the fact that you basically have to let them go and do what they want to because anything else would appear as controlling... so, in a way, it can be considered a method as well.

Does that make sense?

Piojitos - thanks for the dobson post. Yes - that is exactly what I need to do. Now I just need to figure out how to be strong and let her go, w/o stressing where she is, who she's with, who she's talking to what she's doing (*or WHO shes doing!)

as you can pick up in my thread here, I have significant control issues!!!

I will continue my plan A, w her at mom's, and be strong and not needy.

You will know when you are letting her go when you stop doing those things. It took me months to get to that point.

Someone has said that the one who wants the relationship the least is in control. I swear it is true. I've been at this going on two years, bordering on but not quite getting to recovery and I promise you it is as true today as it was two years ago.

In my case I think I would need a shotgun to get rid of that darn bird.

I think there are some things you can start telling yourself that help. Things like:

1) Who IS this woman???
2) Is this person really making me happy at this point in my life?
3) This one used to make me happy. There are plenty more out there and many of them would be happy to have a great guy like me (i.e. "you" me - not "me" me).
4) I want love back in my life again some day.

You are where you are because you love your wife and family. Detaching is a good thing but if WW comes back to you, getting reattached is difficult. Even so, you have to preserve your sanity.

Don't think about your WW so much in past tense. Who is she right now? Try to look at her that way.

FL_B:

You had a nice long talk with WW.

Great.

She has told you all her dreams, what she has missing in her life, and how you have held her back from oall these things.

Agree with her.

Does she want to work? Fine. She needs to pay for her car, apartment, Health Ins, Food and Child Support.

Or, she can end her A and get a job.

Wants to complete her College degree?

Great, How much does that cost?

If she ends her A, you will find a way to pay for it.

Oh, and BTW, if you move out, she still needs to pay for her Apartment, Health Ins., car, food and child support. And then college.


Your not controlling her.

If she wants to do things, she can. All she has to do is talk to you about what she would like to do. Like Married people do all the time.

You didn't get here overnight. Do not think that it is going to resolve itself overnight.

You say you are successful in your job.

Think about this as if you had lost one of your best accounts. And it wasn't your fault. WHAT would you do to get back that business?

And stop thinking that your life was a bed of roses six months ago. It was built on fallacies. That Life bred an A in your life. So there were alot of things wrong.

You have told the OM, and the OM MOTHER to leave your WW alone.

At this point, he is no longer your concern.

Other exposure targets are.

Your Children. And not the "Mommy and Daddy are having problems" No this: Mommy has decided that she wants to move out so that she can continue dating another man. This is unacceptable to me. SHE will no longer be allowed to live in our house until this unacceptable relationship ends.

Her mother: Repeat the above. "MIL, your daughter was not able to do the things she wanted to do in your home, so she needs more room.

WHO else?

And then you Plan A her.

And contact your Lawyer to get your ducks in a row.

No money?

Guess what? If you remain as passive as you have been, your W's OM (or future OM) will get to live in your house, with your kids, while you pay her support and about $1,500 a month in child support.

How much money will you have then?

The initial consultation may cost $500. But you will KNOW where you stand. And WW? Still grasping, because she is only going on cocktail advice.

I noticed in your last few posts that you were getting angry. Good. Now you are ready to fight.

LG

she's reset her email and cellphone passwords and I can't see her activity any more. Does she deserve secrecy? What's the appropriate level of privacy, vs secrecy?

I tried to define it for her - she told me F#$ off and stay out of her business...

There should be no need or entitlement for privacy in a marriage. People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. It is independent behavior and a smoke screen to continue her affair. No private emails and cell phone passwords. You won't have recovery without that and NC with her affair partner for life.

Read at the following link (if you haven't already done so):

Four Rules for a Successful Marriage

She only wants secrecy to hide something. She should not do those things in a healthy marriage. Never hide anything from your spouse. Who pays for the cellphone? Who pays the internet? One rule I established is that if my WW wanted to conduct an A, it would never be on my dime. I told her by spending my paycheck on her affair, she was stealing food off her childrens' plates. To the best of my knowledge, she never spent a cent on the A again.

Where is WW now? Keep the pressure on. The A is already nothing like she expected or wanted. You have already pretty much ruined it for her. You need to remain solid as a rock. It was about 11 months for me before things really began to turn around. It isn't easy.

WW is still @ her mom's, supposedly going out to dinner this evening w/ her mom who just got off work.

I agree that secrecy is a sign of wanting to hide something... how can I convince her of that? What works in trying to convince her that its not me controlling, only wanting to protect my marriage and that secrets are bad.

She's moved the cellphone into her name. On her SS #, on her credit. So the $$ thing doesn't really fly (at least until the bill comes due!)

I'm offering to pay for cable & internet @ her mom's if it will keep her there and get her off the apartment kick.

I made some game plan changes in the last couple of days with how we were communicating, primarily following the Dobson editorial. I have to be the guy she loved years ago, that convinced her to spend the rest of my life with, that convinced her to move across the country and away from all of her family/friends.

I told her she could have all the space she wanted, and that she could afford. Told her I wouldn't call her unless it was related to the kids. Told her to call me if she wanted to talk. She's noticed the change... Actually came up and hugged me and told me she missed me when she dropped the kids off this afternoon. And I was all sweaty and covered in grass and dirt from mowing for an hour. That's a BIG CHANGE for her. (she's not a big fan of sweaty me.)

After I had the "you call me when you want to talk to me" speech, I started doing pushups every time I started to get mentally worked up over where she was, or what she was doing... man - my shoulders are killing me today! I must have done a couple of hundred over the past two days. Benefit will of course be my muscled up physique... negative is my sore shoulders and elbows.

Yes and no. You do have to correct the behaviors where you have fallen down but she may not be the same person she was years ago. Myabe the same things are not as attractive to her now. Maybe she wants other qualities today. All interesting questions and all a total waste of time.

Okay I like the pushups while obsessing idea. Aversion therapy with positive results. Let's make a deal. Every time you begin to obsess over where WW is or what she is doing, no matter where you are, who you are with or what you are doing, drop and do 20. I'm serious. Just try it for a few days and you will see what I mean. I don't care if you are on aisle 6 at Walmart. Just do it. This is positively brilliant.



I think this is a mistake. If she is going to have an affair, she will do it. Let go. This is attempted control and is a "weak" FLB. Mom is not a babysitter. Mom will not prevent anything.


Don't waste time trying. Simply state your POV and leave it at that. Don't argue about it. Why should you argue when she is wrong and you are right. If she stops the affair, establishes NC and survives withdrawal, you won't have to convince her of anything.

Maybe I haven't told you this. Pick your battles. Some can be won and some can't. Don't face every attack head on. Learn where you can best spend your efforts. Choose wisely. Remember that, of the two of you, you are the only one who has a plan. WW is totally out of control.

I'd say don't fund her moving...period. Let her foot the bill for cable/internet/etc...

There's nothing to stop her from behaving like a single woman at her mom's versus her apartment, right?

She wants to be single? Let her afford to be single.

up to 80 pushups so far...

Piojitos - so how do I know what she likes/dislikes or needs/hates, if we assume she's changed? Just avoid LB's?

My biggest problem with this is she has SIGNIFICANT issues related to $$... my elimination of her debit card, limiting her to checks only is her current biggest issue. So to avoid this as a LB, I have to give her access to all our $$ again?

Hmmm...how can I put this?...what is the best way to make you understand the subtleties?.....


hellOOOOooo!!!!

EARTH TO FL_BLINDSIDED!!!!

Your WW is in an active A. She despises you. Anything you do to interfere with her A will make her hate you that much worse.

THAT IS A GOOD THING!!!!!!!

Bust up the A. Cut her off without a cent. At one point, my WW couldn't even buy our DD's a pack of gum. They used to ask me to give mommy money so she could buy them candy. True story. Lovebuster or affair buster?

cart?... horse?... horse?... cart?

You are missing the big picture dude. You really aren't keeping up on current events.

I'm trying, I'm trying...

Found out some interesting things that she could do to me. FL is a bad place for your wife to have an affair - I don't know how it is where you're at, but she's got more rights than I do... and shes out of the house, w/o the kids, etc.

I am maintaining a great plan A, restricting her access to our stuff, telling her all she has to do to come home is give him up (yet again!) and commit to working on our marriage.

She sees the kids every couple of days, and they really don't care to be there w/her, and I KNOW that's hurting her.

She's dropped the apartment push, agreed to stay @ her mom's till she 'figures out what she wants', and will go from there.

Where I'm at, the law is slightly more favorable to the BS. I can have my WW stoned to death in the public square. Have you considered relocation? Just an idea.

The situation with your kids is really hard on them. They should get counseling to help. I know how much you want to protect them. Remember that WW is causing this pain. WW has within her power to remove this pain. You are not responsible for this pain. This is a big pin popping the fantasy balloon. I can assure you WW never ever thought about this. They never do. Affairs are all about "me me me".

And remember, no matter how much you want to protect your children, you can't always do it. Children are more afraid about how they are going to be affected by things they can't understand. Work to give them extra reassurance that they are going to be fine. Give them a lot of your time.

doing exactly that... giving kids a LOT of my time. The two younger ones don't know details, and based on what our counselor has told us, we won't be telling them. I'm sure they will find out, and when/if they do, we will explain it to them at that time.

Working half days, when I work at all... that was yet another reason wife left - she couldn't keep up her side of the affair with me underfoot.

ARRGGHHH!!!

I can't get her to come home, and she avoids all conversations about 'us', and won't allow me to even have a conversation about the future.

We have a big beach trip we do every summer that is a family tradition... grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles, etc a huge group of us go to the beach every summer for a week. She told the kids last week that she wasn't going. So I'm gone, kids are gone, mom can play all she wants w/o detection, etc. Mentally - I'm completely bent out of shape over this. the control freak in me is dying here!

I know I have to 'let go' - but its so [email]d@#$[/email] hard! Is the loss/removal of a spouse of 18 years comparable to the withdrawal that one feels when giving up an 'other'?

It gets much easier to let go each day. Your WW is lovebusting you every minute of every day. Eventually you won't care any more. That is why it is important to stop this A now or completely cut her off while you still have feelings left. Time is not on her side but it's not on yours either.

That's a pretty heavy burden the oldest has. How does he/she resolve the required lying? No criticism of you here. Just wondering.

not a problem for her, because our oldest has always had a problem with the truth. I believe its genetic, and she gets it from her WW MOM.

Again, I'm sure it will come out, and my response will be "that's something you need to discuss with your mother" and then verify what she told them was true and accurate. I am going to avoid making it look like I'm attacking or undermining her.

Custody battle will occur if we D.

Cut off the funds. She can pay for her own affair. You can't talk about privacy and transparency until she wants to come home. As an adult WS living away from home she does have privacy. Your job is no $$, no LB'ing, working with the kids with honesty. They need to know you love them, you are not going anywhere, and that what mom has decided to do is not acceptable to you and cannot be tolerated. That you still love mom and hope that she will see her way back home sometime, and soon.
If and when she decides to come back. Then your rules apply. What will your boundaries be? MC? IC? Full transparency? Etc. These are the rules/boundaries of your new marriage that you need to consider so that you are prepared with what is okay and what isn't .

FTS