she's back on the apartment kick... back to where we were 3 weeks ago - wanting more space, etc.

Says now she thinks she came home too soon, but her mom's is no longer an option - excuses about how the kids don't want to be there, how her mom is anti-marriage and bad for our chances...

I dunno. I can't figure it out. I don't see how she could have had contact, or when, but her behavior is definitely back like it was when they were communicating.

Just ignore it. Tell her you will have none of that talk. Try and have a decent time. Keep meeting her ENs and don't be discouraged by this recent setback. Also, delete those emails before she gets home. You don't want her reading those in her state.

K - she just went out for a 'jog' around the neighborhood... She never jogs.

She spent her last 20 minutes in the house telling my how this won't work, how this is all my fault, and on and on.

I've been insisting since early on that there are really two options here:

1 - come home, commit to working on our marriage 100%.
2 - Start the divorce process, in which I intend to stall, be difficult, fight for custody, do EVERYTHING I can to slow it down. In the end, we become mortal enemies, and spend the rest of our days being bitter over each other.

I've said all along that I don't want a roommate but a wife, and that I need her to at least TRY to work on our marriage. It seems now that she's trying to everything she can to push me away...

She's not saying she's here because she has no option, but that it might be because she's afraid of putting the kids through it.

ARRGGGHHH!!! this is unbearable!

You just described about 10 months of my life. I hated that.

Hang in there. You can outlast this thing. You will as long as you don't give up and NC with OM is maintained. Have faith in the system and continue to plan A with abandon.

dude - how do you do it?

I'm going back to reread that Dobson post... I'm really struggling letting her go... and that's all I can do.

I can't control where she goes / who she sees / what she wants, but I can control my behaviors...

Thanks again for the continued support... I've been reading in the TKO post, but I don't think I'll ever get through it! 700+ pages?? Is that what you do? Write in order to deal with it all?

It certainly helps to talk it out. The TKO thread was primarily intended for Todd but I won't get into his story. The TKO thread is not my original thread. I had four or five others that were much shorter early on in the process. I think maybe TKO did capture my evolution. And it is worth reading Todd's explanation of the tax code. I intend to print that post and frame it.

Believer posted that Dobson excerpt to me several times. The last time it hit home. OTOH timing is everything. I had to get in a place where it was time for me and I got there (and nearly got arrested in the process).


While that is very true, you have to get to the point where you believe that with all your heart. Are you just saying it or do you really believe it? I really believed it and still do to this day.

But once WW realized that I (and the DDs) could get along just fine without her, I have to believe that humbled her a bit. And life back in Mexico was not going to be easy for her. I can't say for sure what factors influenced her decisions. Maybe some day she'll come here again and post and she can explain it herself. More than likely she won't, however.

All I know for sure is that it is possible to recovery a M from infidelity. I'm glad I came to MB.

I saw in your posts a reference to gemala, is that her? Were you able to get her involved in MB, and was that of any benefit?

I've offered to help my WW get set up, but as with everytihng else she has no interest.

Did you have any luck there?

I don't think getting gemela involved in MB helped either one of us. She posted with the intent to get members here to convince me that the M was hopeless. Once the A is really over then I see benefit to bringing a WW here but while she is still in contact, there is no way she should be here.

She's back from her mom's... had to go help her with a resume or something... Walks in talking again about the apartment, and how her botox needs to be redone, etc etc.

I try to not stir the antbed, just mention that we should sit down and talk about it later this week once we have a better idea of upcoming expenses... (our oldest D starts college in the fall, oldest D's 1st months apartment rent is due 8/1, etc etc) She goes off on a tangent that she should never have to clear that stuff with me. If she wants it, and we can afford it, then it should be her decision, and on and on. My point was simply that we didn't have a firm grasp on finances at the moment, a lot of unknowns out there, and she wants to spend money on elective cosmetic treatments.

That turns back into me controlling her and never giving her what she wants... as we stand in the house SHE had to have, with the car SHE had to have in the garage, wearing her new Yurman bracelet that SHE had to have. I had to bite my tongue almost to the point of blood to keep from striking back over that last comment.

sidenote : By the way - I read somewhere in one of your posts about some bracelets sending you over the edge once - my WW is a David Yurman fan. I feel your pain, brother!

So - calm thoughts. Peaceful happy thoughts. This isn't really my wife, its my wife's ugly selfish twin. My wife will be home soon, and this one can go then...

Maybe she needs a swift kick in the botox.

If you go to "My Home" and edit your preferences and maximize the number of posts per page, the TKO thread only becomes 221 pages. That will cut your reading time by 2/3. See how much time you could save?

I think I'm on to something today.

My WW learned this weekend that you can change out sim cards in a phone, and it becomes 'the other phone'. (during our trip my DD14's cellphone died, and my wife lent her hers.) DD swapped sim cards, and continued merrily talking away... calls show up under her phone, not my WW's.

I think she went and did a second SIM card, and is swapping them in and out to continue contact.

Might be a bit too much 'conspiracy theory', but her behavior over the past 5-6 days is definitely more like it was when she was in contact.

Anyone else seen this?

Yes my WW did that for a time. She also used public phones.

If they want to cheat, they are going to cheat. If I want to cheat, I'd use Sykpe.

argh...

went to dinner tonite with our closest friends...

from my perspective, my WW made it an excuse to belittle me in front of friends...

comments on some new reality TV show where a 20something guy gets to choose from women ranging from 20 to 48.. "You know the 40 year old woman will win, we always get the younger guys"

to pointing out to friends "My husband now does all the laundry" (when I work, she does not, she hasn't lifted a finger around the house in months)

finally when joking over a guys recent motorcycle purchase, when his boss asked him who his replacement would be should he get killed in an accident - "Nope - the WIFE gets to choose his REPLACEMENT!"

then in the car she comes unglued on me! and all I did was call her on her inappropriate jokes at my expense...

No - no Jim Beam involved... I was calm - she was the screamer this time...

I can't take this. I don't know what else to do. Taking abuse at home is one thing, but out in public, in front of friends is completely out of line.

How exactly did you call her on it? Care to expand a bit?

BTW, the motorcycle joke IS funny. It just isn't funny to you given your sitch. But it's still funny.

And when my WW tells other people about all the work I do around the house, the other wives get jealous. Is doing laundry embarrassing to you to do laundry? I've learned quite a lot doing it. For example, did you know that black and white make grey? Well I do now!

no - but i do know that if you wash towels with silk negligees (spelling?) they do make for some uncomfortable spots...

I called her on it by saying in a VERY controlled tone that I did not appreciate the jokes at my expense. This couple is aware of whats going on and even the wife said my WW was a little over the edge.

The only two things I said that were in the least bit unacceptable was

1) when I was asked what my kick was to get in shape, lose weight, etc I said I was just trying to roll back the clock a couple of decades - like to be 22 again, because that's what my W seemed to be interested in.

2) and when I was asked about my recent fitness kick, I guess when a man goes from 38/32 slacks to 32/32 in 2 months, and 210+ to 175 # the instant assumption is either sickness or another woman... in my case it was depression, then competition. I simply referred to it as the famous 'infidelity diet'...

again, the couple is very much aware of the situation - the wife has been counseling my WW to end it since she found out. The husband is my best friend / golfing buddy / all around great guy.

I think it was the embarassment of the situation, and my calmness that shook her.

She's asking why can't there be a 3rd option... long term separation - like 6 mos.

I've been pushing for reconciliation or her initiating divorce. She wants separation, with me picking up the bills. I don't want that. I know she doesn't want divorce. But she also doesn't know yet what she wants (at least not today - that seems to change from day to day, week to week.

So here's my other dilemma... I'm about to get a new company car. budget is mid 30's. I can go get a loaded toyota avalon, top of the line, every option, or I can take that 35k, add in some of my $$ and go get a porsche cayman S. To do that, I'll need to drain short term savings, of which my wife wants access to to fund her 'separation'. If its there, she can spend it, if its parked in the garage... well...

FLB,

I feel your pain! My WW has not lifted a finger in weeks!

She must feel like she is at the "BH Resort" where dinner is prepared, housekeeping done, laundry done, kids cared for!

She comes in from work , go to gym, watch that freaking show called "The View" which I feel feeds her fantasy sometimes with their suggestive comments!

Thought so. This was an LB. What you could have said was that you felt really hurt by her comments. Try to limit yourself to how things she does makes you feel. Don't criticize her actions. Besides, looks like you dished it out pretty good too.



Why didn't you just stop right there? No need for the rest.



You do realize you could have lied.

I'm guessing that other couple felt like they were watching a fight between two 6-year olds. If I were you, I would call them and apologize. Why drag them into this?

Cars are totally uninteresting to me. Boring. But if you are thinking D is a possibility, I wouldn't spend the extra money.

I agree separation is a no-deal. If she goes, she goes for good. Don't send her off on a 6 month f--kfest with OM while you pick up the tab. Better to split the assets now.

that's my worry also... her version of "finding herself" is basically a paid vacation, with 22 yr old benefits.

I have a really hard time accepting that.

Oh, and the car thing? If you EVER get the chance, drive the latest BMW M6. That is one helluva car. V10 - gets all of 10 mpg city, 12 mpg highway, and it literally spews testosterone from the exhaust pipes. But its a little pricey. Cayman S was my 2nd choice, followed by a plain bmw 650i.

My wife got the car of her dreams, why shouldn't I?

swade - my WW thinks she is Gabby off of Desperate Housewives - you know, Eva Longoria? I think she even started her romance with the younger man as part of her 'character emulation' mode...

Lucky you - your wife works? Mine just shops, talks on the phone, drives around, and whatever else she can find to get into trouble these days...