Fraud? Baloney...

unless the joint accts require two signatures on the checks. In the meantime - secure it before she pulls it all out.

no - no legal separation. She has left 2x and come home 2x, but never anything formal.

I maintain joint checking and savings accounts. I also maintain individual checking and savings accounts in my name only.

My paycheck, expense checks, and any other checks received through my business are deposited into the indiv accounts. I transfer money to the joint accounts as needed to keep them positive. Not a lot more.

I have stated from the earliest point in this crisis that despite the use of secondary accounts, my intent is not to hide or divert any marital assets, only to protect them for our children's benefit... I guess that got forgotten when she saw some zeros...

I am actually considering this 180 deal. It sounds like something I would be better at than just trying to 'be the best me' in plan A.

OK...need some clarification here.

Do you know if she is ATTEMPTING CONTACT, or is she REALLY IN CONTACT with OM?

If she's actively in contact, asking her to do the EN survey is a blatant waste of time. Of COURSE she doesn't want to do anything that could give your marriage a chance.

You've said that she's 'ridiculing you in front of her family and friends'. Have you had a sit down conversation with her family and made it very clear what you're doing, and why? Asked for their help? Exposed completely this latest evidence of contact? With her friends, its likely to be meaningless...maybe less so than with her family.

Have you painted the picture to your WW of what life after divorce will be like for the two of you? (No friendship, no support from you of any kind, described what you're like to think/feel about her after the divorce due to her affair) Made it clear that you'll NEVER forgive her, NEVER be willing to be near her again if she ends your marriage due to her affair? Painted the picture of Christmas's and holidays with the kids split between homes, or spent WITHOUT one or the other of the two of you?

It was this picture of reality that jarred my wife to reality so badly that OM ended it with her. It was the fact that we WEREN'T going to end up being some kind of twisted "big happy extended family", and that the reality was that her leaving me for him would result in the DESTRUCTION of our family and our friendship that opened her eyes and made her doubt what she was doing.

Its all part of letting her suffer the consequences of her choices. Let her see this up front...NOW, before it happens.

Make it clear that you love her, and want her back...NOW. But there will be a time in the future where all of that will change if she continues on this path.

Who cares what she says. Just ignore her and talk to her only when she calms down. Tell her you aren't hiding money because you aren't going to divorce her.

i have remained steadfast in my statements to WW on the subject of "what if it doesn't work?"

Even before I found MB, I told her we had 2 options:

1) both of us commit the rest of our lives to each other and working to repair the damages that we have BOTH done to EACH OTHER, working towards restoring our broken marriage;

2) Divorce. (So ugly it ought to be a 4 letter word!) We split, we fight continually. This won't be amicable. I will fight for custody to ensure my children are brought up in a home under my care. We end up hating each other. Not being able to attend weddings, childbirth of grandkids, nothing ever, together. We will end up poorer than we are today, with angry vindictive feelings towards each other that will never heal. The kids will be damaged by this. They will join the rest of the "statistics" - and probably repeat our actions in their lives.

She's reestablished contact. She had a convo with her cheater GF where she stated that she hoped the cheater husbnad didn't talk to me, or I didn't ask him to look @ phone bill. I don't know how long its been going on (again, if it ever stopped...) but they are communicating.

I can just imagine the sort of Tristan&Isolde-type scene where she pledges her undying love to him until they can be together... and he does to her...

So I am thinking return home from work, stay calm, and tell her I don't want a divorce, but if she does I would be glad to get started fighting her on it now, vs in 6 mos. once she's done with her lease. (Which I won't sign...)

Heres the email I just sent her:
**************************
I'm sorry you were so upset earlier today when you called me. I can assure you, as I did before, that nothing is being done to hurt our family, only protect it and see that our needs are being met. I am willing to sit down and go over finances with you at any time you are interested. I have never once told you that you couldn't see any of our financial information.

I understand your negative view of the **** sale. I can assure you that the sale was completely legit, was based on solid financial review, and the price was appropriate given the amount of risk for an outside, non-employee investor. I was forced into this by your last push for an apartment in late May. I had no options. My pay was cut, I was afraid for my job, you said you were going to get a job but had nothing lined up, and we have college expenses bearing down on us like a ton of bricks, including an apartment payment >$500 @ **********. We could have sold our car to get a lesser expensive or more economical vehicle, but I would never think of asking you to give I up. I know how much you enjoy your mercedes. Selling the house is a long term deal, especially given the current market. We might want to consider this anyway if you still intend to move out. We can go for a while, but this is what we have to work with. Believe me - I could not find any other means of generating cash other than what I did.

I want our marriage to work. All I asked of you was to see at least our counselors together prior to taking this next step, along with some other minor things... I am afraid that once you leave in this final step, I won't be there for you regardless of what you decide.

**** - you are an adult, and its time to make some adult decisions. If you want out, get out. File for a legal separation (whatever that is), for divorce, or just go. If you think you might not want out - even a chance - then you should stay. Like you said last week - we both knew this was going to be hard. I fear that despite knowing what's best for you, for the kids, for the family, you just don't have the integrity, the strength and the will to make it happen. I hope I'm wrong. I pray I'm wrong.

You have got to avoid making statements like these if you want any chance of working things out. This is a MAJOR disrespectful judgment love buster. Don't let statements like these cancel out all the positive changes you've made.

WOW! That was a BIG DJ! She's gonna keep that one around. WW will reread that line whenever she does something she needs to justify!

You do realize that the only thing from that email she is going to focus on is that parting shot don't you?

You need to be VERY careful to avoid LB's, DJ's, & AO's at this point if you want to have a chance at recovery.

DON'T subsidize her A.
REFUSE to pay for her appt.
PROTECT you assets so she can not plunder them!

Let you WW do ALL the legwork if she wants her "Freedom". Let her get help from her "new" family and friends.

REALITY will be a big cold hard slap in the face when she sees what she has wroght!

Stay Strong!

Got home, she had told kids she is filing for divorce on Monday, that this is unsalvageable. All 3 kids were in sort of shock. S12 was crying.

She's set on ending it, and out of everything I've done, she's done, we've done to each other, she's focused on the sale of an asset to provide our family some financial support. Says that she didn't know how bad I was - how evil and mean spirited and on and on.

I called my atty, let him know to be expecting me within the next 2 weeks.

OK, ok I get the DJ thing but sometimes when that pitch comes in just over the plate, a little low and outside... you just have to knock it out of the park... I HAVE REALLY been trying to avoid them, and probably only 1 out of 20 escape my lips (or fingers). Now her brother is texting me telling me how bad I messed up, how I'm gonna end up alone and broke, etc etc. I've basically told him to shut up and back off - not his fight.

BIL's GF is also trying to turn up the heat, talking about all the evidence of what a bad guy I am... again, not really caring about her either.

I've told all my kids that I don't want a divorce, I want a marriage, but WW has started them swaying towards "if you get a D you won't have to fight..."

I will press back and delay, and try to do a good 180. Distant, but pleasant, available but not engaged, etc.

Anything else I'm not thinking of?

FLB,

You have been DJing for quite some time. This whole thing requires a lot of self-denial. I know it isn't easy.

Why would you do a 180 when you haven't even done a good Plan A? Right now you are your own worst enemy.

FL_B,

Sorry to hear she c/b so hurtful even to the children. That is the WS NOT your real W.

Be there for your children. They need to know YOU won't abandon them also.

Lots of hugs and reassurance of your love.

take care,
L.

today was ok- spent most of it out of the house, either at the pool or with my friends.

She's bitter bitter bitter... She got upset for me calling her baby last night... said I've lost the right to call her baby... other things as well.

I am not responding other than "I'm sorry that you're so upset about...", and telling her that this was done to ensure our family's financial security, NOT take anything away from us.

I believe that she put a plan together around the time I found out, that involved 1) get a job, 2) get an apartment, and 3) divorce me once some time had passed.

To make her plan work, she was counting on a lot of $$ coming to her from our D, but it can't now, and I think that's why she's so bitter & angry.

I'm not sure I understand this. Did you just give all your money to charity? Why would she still not get half the marital assets?

yes - half of what I got is hers... I believe there are two factors at work:

1) her dad had an affair on her mom, ended up leaving her mom for OW, and through the time up to divorce, sold all their stuff - businesses, land etc. then went and hid money. So after D, her mom got virtually nothing but the equity in house, still had to pay it off herself.

2) reanalysis of her past decisions, some of the stuff she sent to friends, our conversations, etc leads me to believe that she's been considering this for far longer than I've known about her A. I also believe that she thought that my portion of my company that I sold off was worth far more than it was in actuality, so when she found out what I was paid for it, she immediately assumed I was doing it to punish her, like her dad did her mom.

The point I am trying to get across to her is that I don't want a D, I don't want separation, I want us to continue working on our marriage. My actions were taken to secure our cash needs for the next couple of years, and considering all the pressure she and her family were putting me under to get her an apartment, I had to have some way of paying for that.

So we'll see. She's still not talking to me. Doesn't ignore me and will respond when I ask her something, but not much else. Tomorrow is supposed to be the day she goes to her attorney.

Do you know how the USA got itself attacked at Pearl Harbor?

Roosevelt caused it by his own stupidity.

You may be forcing WW to divorce you by your own.

no options, no other choices, I want my wife to stay, not go. I don't think what I did was stupid, but ensuring that these next couple of challenging years would be less stressful.

If she is leaving over money, when its a LOT easier to get than love, she isn't the person I thought she was.

You are DJing, and I'm sure you DJ to her quite a bit with statements like these. Why would she come back to a marriage that she wasn't happy with in the first place? She doesn't think you can change. You are showing her that you can't. The biggest part of plan A is improving YOURSELF. You seem unwilling unable to do so. You are in denial, and putting all the blame on her. She may still have a wayward state of mind, but her affair was over for several weeks. Instead of being a safe place for her to fall back to, you (and your family) have been LBing like crazy. Now is the time that is the most critical not to LB. You haven't ruined things completely, but get back to working on yourself, and plan Aing your WW. Suck it up, and you can get through this, but it will take a LONG time.

WW had her consult with her D atty today. and came home tonite with the following ultimatum. I must immediately meet the following demands, or she's filing for divorce:

1) undo the asset sale she sees as deceitful
2) admit what I did in Jan was worse than what she did (is doing??)
3) 'Come clean' about the extent of my event in Jan. (I have, but she doesn't see it that way.)
4) Agree that she never has to see/spend time with either of my parents ever again.

She also goes on to very clearly state that EVEN IF I meet all of her demands, she's not guaranteeing that she'll ever be able to forgive me... or that we'll work out.

I am at a loss. At some point, sanity has to come to the forefront, right? I can certainly meet some of these requests, but a couple are undoable. I don't trust her. I'm not sure if I can ever trust her. And to go so far as make demands of ME, especially where we are now?

What was the line from Seinfeld... "SERENITY NOW!!!"

FL_Blindsided,

If it's no. 4 that is making you reluctant, don't let it. When you get married your first loyalty is to your spouse and your kids, not your family of origin, not even your parents. That doesn't mean YOU have to cut off contact with your parents. But if she thinks her relationship with them is that toxic, there's no reason she has to spend any time with them at all. When I was growing up, my paternal grandparents caused an awful lot of problems for my parents until my mom cut off all contact with them and my dad supported her decision. (Eventually the silent feud did come to an end.)

No problem, okay? If you can do it, then do it.


What did you do in January? Wasn't it something along the lines of oogling over BIL's GF? All you have to do is say what you did was horrible and indefensible, you are truly sorry for it, and these are the step you are going to take to prevent hurting her again. I wouldn't say it is better or worse than anything, but I would just say it is comparable.


Again, tell us the FULL truth of your "event" and maybe we can help you discuss it with your WW. Don't get defensive, just stay calm and answer ALL her questions 100% truthfully. If I'm correct, I believe that she thinks you had an EA, but she didn't say anything, and then she had an EA, but you exposed to everyone. Now she feels that she looks like the bad person when you are just as guilty. Just talk to your wife about it. What is there to lose?


Done and done. Your parents really screwed the pooch in their dealings with her, and she shouldn't be subjected to that. Your first allegiance is to your W.


Sure, but you know better because you've learned so much here, right? Fill up her love bank and things will work out in the long run. Just be patient.


Why are these requests undoable? If you want to save your marriage, then you MUST do them. You REALLY hurt her this past year, but she sees you downplaying what you did. I think you are downplaying what you did to the forum. It doesn't matter what you think, it matters how she feels about it. You hurt her. She doesn't trust that you won't hurt her again. Show her you have changed. Meet her ENs, and for god's sake, AVOID LBs. That is your problem. Your taker is in control of you. You want everything to be fixed right away. You don't want to give to her because she hasn't been giving to you. This attitude will only find you divorced and a part time dad. Is that what you want? Then suck it up and put your taker on hold. And be honest with yourself and with her about what you did. That's my advice, take it or leave it. If you take it, I promise you'll save your M. I just don't know if you can actually follow through.

Well the lawyer certainly didn't give her that advice (except for maybe #1).

So she goes to see a lawyer to get a divorce and comes home to tell you she is staying.

Obviously the lawyer didn't tell her what she wanted to hear. That's not surprising.

So what DID the lawyer tell her?