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Joined: May 2007
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J
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Thanks we are hanging in here for now. We went to the library and each got 4 books for ourselves on the subject. He has his first Sexual addiction counceling session on Friday. I am really curious as of how it will turn out. He also decided this weekend that he wants to go with us over Memorial Day to see my family across state.

At this time we are still taking it slowly one day at a time. As soon as we get some extra money I would like to purchase His Needs/Her Needs. Part of his addiction has also went into a spending spree for a couple years and we have more debt than you can imagine and no cards open (everything maxed) as well as very little cash flow. Right now we have no health insurance (due to his job loss and change) so we are also paying for counceling "o0ut of pocket". Thats killing us. Thats why we went to the library (it's Free)! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />)

Anyways, this has been a great support for me thus far and I am so thankful your all so understanding and not judgemental of me and what I have done.

Thanks J

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No problem. Its good to hear about the sex addiction counseling. Keep it up and keep us updated.

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Update - wow, so much has happened I dont know where to start. Last weekend H was falling back into his regular patterns and so was I. I realized it so I put my guard up and he didnt like that very much. He started feeling more insecure etc. Monday night he came home very upset. He was dwelling on the EA I recently had and he felt I wasnt being completely honest with him. No matter what I said his mind was only believing HIS thoughts, so I walked away from the conversation.

Tuesday he started emailing me from work about this and was getting extreamily upset about it all. I ended up calling our MC to see if we could get in for an emergency session. We were not able too. H decided that after work he was going to pick up his new medication that MC prescibed for him (Zoloft) and go get drunk and come home. As agitated as he was I didnt like that idea and said if he did that to not come home.

This set him off and he stopped answering any of my attempts to contact him. I started to get very worried as he has been suicidal on and off. I called his brother (the one I had A with) and was crying and didnt know what to do. Brother advised me to call their father. I did and he tried to get ahold of H. This ticked H off even more and he started to text me saying I ruined his life forever by bringing his family into this. It started to get very hairy!!!

Well later he texted me and it said to let him know when kids were asleep because he was coming home. I didnt like that and felt very uncomfortable and ended up taking my kids to spend the night at a friends.

The next morning I came home and H had been here. He was at work. He emailed me from work and told me that he hid his car down the street, walked home and noticed my car was gone. So he took his car to a parking lot and hid in overnight, walked home and waited for me to arrive. he said he figured I would come home if I thought he was gone. This freaked me out somewhat! Then he asked where his gun was because it wasnt in the safe. I had removed the gun from our home a couple weeks ago when this all started. That even freaked me out more.

I told him he needed help and not to return home until he got help. He was mortified that I thought he was going to hurt me! My mother ended up coming over here for the weekend and came early because of the situation. H hasnt been home since Tuesday night. He is staying at a motel.

I got us in to see our MC last night and we talked for 2 hours with her. Amazingly alot came out and it seemed rather positive. She did ask him if he felt suicidal right now and he said No. She did ask him over and over if he intended on hurting me that night and he said NO. I am hoping I can believe that.We are going to see her again Monday evening and every week there after. H ended up getting into the specialist for sexual addiction that had a waiting list as our MC called him and got him in. That apt is Wednesday.

So for now H is in a hotel. He said he needs the time away from everyone right now. he said he is doing alot of reading in his books we got for his addiction. Our MC said he needs to make sure he isnt making choices to watch porn or anything to hurt our marriage because that would be feeding the addiction and hurting our marriage greater. he said he wasnt.

It is frustrating because I am completly responible for kids myself right now. I am still somewhat skeptical about his intentions Tuesday night. After our meeting with her we went out to dinner and had a great talk. Things seemed to be improving. I am not sure where to go from here. Do I let him come home in a few days? My mom will be leaving Sunday for home.

He has never ever done anything physically to hurt me or kids, but I just think it sounded so wierd. The councelor really grilled him about his intentions and it seemed as though she must have felt confident that he was being truthful. We have a ton of work ahead of us. I am willing to go in that direction. I realized I do love him when everything happened over the week and it felt like we were done and getting a divorce. I was crushed and hurt deeply.

Oh and he meets alot of the Passive agressive personality traits and MC wants him to be tested for bipolar as well.

Thanks for being here.
J

I would love many opinions on this. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Joined: Dec 2006
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I suggest that you move your thread over to the General Questions II forum, there are a lot more people there and I can think of at least one that has experienced something similar.

I don't think I'd personally be any help because I don't have much experience with this kind of thing.

Good luck and I'll keep reading.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Thankyou to everyone who responded to my post. This weekend has been very rough and very tiring. Friday started off good. He picked up our youngest son and took him to run errands while I went to an apt. I then met the two of them at McDonalds for lunch. Our 4 year old played while we talked. Later we went back to our house so he could say Hi to the older boys (they just got back from school). My mom and her H took the boys to a movie while H and I got some alone time. We went to a couple stores and got a few things we needed.

He agreed that he would stay for dinner as I had stuff to BBQ etc. So my mom and her H and kids all came home from movie and we had a really nice BBQ. Things seemed to be fairly relaxing. A friend of ours stopped by (my sigle friend) and she hung out with us most of the night. We all ended up drinking and talking and things were good. H did fall off the wagon many times with making rude comments etc, but for the most part he was good.

I ended up sneaking into another room and called his brother. I ended up begging him to come over with us all. He denied. Shortly after that my H said he was going home (to his hotel room) and he kissed me and said "Please dont call my brother and beg him to come over anymore". I said Ok and that was that!

Saturday there was a large BBQ being held at his brothers (same one as above) and his family invited us. H was reluctant but said ok. We went and I thought everything went great! I visited with everyone alot and made many attempts to give H some touching/affection, and barely spoke to the brother, except for a few times.

So we are on our way home and H seems mad. He said he thinks I still have feelings for his brother and that I ignored him (H) all night and gave all my attention to his brother. That was so wrong!!!!! The purpose of the whole BBQ was because H's mom brought over a nice coworker who she was trying to set up with this brother. I talked with coworker almost entire evening and encouraged brother and her to "get together".

H and me started fighting and yelling horribly. I walked out and left. I took a long walk alone. My mom and her H were still here visiting from out of town. My mom was so worried that she called a good friend of mine who knew where I probably went. She came there and we sat on this rock wall together and talked....I cried! After about an hour I went home. H and I fought more and more and he ended up leaving. I went to bed. he went on a long walk and got home around 2ish?

Today things seem better. We talked. He is super mad that I called his brother. I said I was sorry and that I didnt know why I did. I have been used to having the brother here alot. We talked alot, my mom went back home today and now we are on our own.

SOooooooooooooo brother in law calls a little bit ago and said he talked to this girl he was being set up with and she wanted us all to get together (with kids too) and go bowling. Brother in law is very shy and really wants us to come along. Plus this girl said she really hit it off with me. So now what????? H says we can go, but it seems like even if I dont do anything wrong that he sees wrong. Obviously we arent going to get away from his brother easily as he is family and lives very close, plus I watch his child in my daycare.

I am so exhausted. Both H and I have another counceling session on Monday at 6pm. Then H has his own counceling apt Wednesday with a sex addiction therapist. We found that in our town 2 nights a week there is meetings for love and sex addicts. These meetings are FREE!!!!! I am so excited! He wants to meet others in similar situation that he can use for a support system. So far things are starting to look as though there is a tiny light. Also we are looking at consumer credit counceling for the HUGE debt we have incurred with his spending addiction (part of the sex addiction).

Hope to know more after our counceling session tommorrow night.

J

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Just keep it up. I'll check back in tomorrow night.

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Hi J,
It looks like things are still tough most of the time.
My suggestion is that you spend a week or two reading up on the marriage builders concepts. A good background will make it easier to talk to you about making a plan to recover your marriage.

One of the hardest parts to understand is how you can't go back to the way things were before. The best and safest way to get over his brother, and the problems that relationship caused, is to never see him or talk to him again. AS you read more here, this will be easier to understand. I am sure right now it sounds harsh.

Remember this is a long hard road. Also remember that many here have traveled it before you, and know it can be done.

I hope you have a good week. You have some good help, and I am glad. This poster will be away for a week camping, so I won't be able to post, but the others should take good care of you.

SS


I think sometimes about all the pain in the world. I hope we can ease that here, even if only a little bit.
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We just got back from MC and both are feeling good.

First let me say that things last night (possible double date with his brother and new friend) didnt happen. Luckily they couldnt get their act together until much later than anticipated so I said we better not go due to overtired kids....whew!

Anyways, back to MC session. We talked about me calling his brother Friday night. She asked me why I did. I fgured out I called because I am used to having him around so much. He was like a silent support. A little background on him besides the obvious affair. H worked, went to college and then worked overtime. When he was here he was sleeping or doing homework. It was completely grueling and I was severly lonely. Around the same time his brother started to regain more custody of his son and needed me to babysit him (he is now 10).This was last summer. So after work brother in law would come here (H was always gone until at least 11:00ish), he would sit here, have dinner with all of us, hang out here, help me with the kids etc. Kids would all go to bed and he and I would have alone/talk time. This started around May of last year and continued at this rate until just a couple months ago. We didnt have the A until Septemer 06 (Labor day weekend).

Ok, so our MC was shocked when she heard how strongly he had been in our relationship. She said she can see how things developed and why I haave an emotional attachment to him. That being said she said IF we want the marraige to work that I have to completely quit talking to his brother for the most part. She said all phone calls made to brother in law for family get togethers or whatever need to be made by H. She said when/if brother is here that I dont invite him to stay and if he does occasionally stay here for dinner or whatever that the main conversation is between H and brother.......not me and brother.

I forgot to mention to her that I am still watching his son. This may end within a month though. MC also suggested that H may possibly have to say something to his brother about not calling me as much and to go through him vs me about stuff.

One thing H and I found interesting was that over the weekend when brother had this BBQ at his house, the blind date showed up. Brother hid in another room, called me and said "HURRY and come over here PLEASE". H says obviously his brother relies on me for support as well.

Another thing we discussed was sex. We have been having issues knowing the right things to do in an addiction case and both feeling rather awkard. MC told us that we can have sex completely as long as its healthy sexual relationship. Of course she talked about this and explained this much much further.

MC also showed us this "Circle of Security" model/drawing thing. It was really helpful. Its for all kinds of relationships, with kids, friends and spouses etc.

So tonight I am feeling a bit scared being told I cant contact brother in law for support. Only because I dont want to mess up. She said it will be hard at first for me to do. I am assuming this is like the NC talked about here.

I realllllllllllllly want to get some of the materials from this website. I feel they will be really helpful. Last night H and I spent aprox 40 minutes both doing some silent reading (our own self help books). It was nice. Then we ended the night cuddling.

It's so odd how up and down things go with this. I mean some days are so bad and awful that I am sure our marriage isnt going to survive, and then others have so many positive things happen that there is hope.

We still have a very long ways to go. H has his first individual apt with the sex therapist on wednesday. I am really curious as of how that will go. Our MC will be out of town for awhile so we have to go all the way to the 8th before we see her again. That feels so long. I may be on here alot more looking for advise.

Thankyou all so so so much for everything on here. It has truley been a HUGE support for me.

J

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Hey, thats great news!! Progress. Sounds like you have a decent therapist. Yeah, the no contact is gonna be tough, but you know this already. As far as getting on here and getting some more advice, ask away!

I, too, am curious about his Wed. app. with his therapist. Let us know what happens. Just remember, the ups and downs will happen. Just know that, and know that when the bad feelings come, then it WILL get better. Also know that when things are going real great, eventually, that euphoric feeling WILL wear off. Just know it, recognize it, and power through it.

Keep in touch.

Last edited by ReprobateMind; 05/29/07 11:09 PM.
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