I've been with my SO for 18 months. He's fabulous! We are so on the "same page" with regards to religion, finances, and children (I think/thought).

One EN he hasn't met for me are those 3 darn words. Otherwise, I constantly hear postives, and his actions speak VOLUMES to me. I am so smitten, but I'm stubborn on this one...I want him to say it first. Is it causing me to over-analyze? Without a doubt. Has it been a deal breaker? No.

He recently bought a new boat that seats 5. I have 2 kids, he has one. They are all about the same age (teenagers), and the same sex. He had told my kids 2 weeks ago that he would take them on the boat (for the first time) today. They were so excited. They so wanted to go 2 weeks ago, but we took his DD and 2 friends. He took DD and her friend out all day yesterday.

Fast forward to today. He calls to say that DD wants to take her friend (from yesterday), and she won't go unless friend comes. This clearly puts us over the person limit. I volunteer to stay home as my kids were so excited. When they heard I wasn't going, my oldest offered to stay home.

SO said all the right words, and acknowledged that I "wasn't a very good actress", but I loaded everyone up with the food I had shopped for this morning with a smile. And OFF THEY WENT.

I am so upset right now. It's Mother's Day and here I am alone. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Yes, the beers have so taken the edge off, but I'm hurt---big time. My kids knew it and he knew it.

Did I offer to not go? Yes. Did I think he'd take me up on the offer? NEVER. I think he should've said "No" to DD. But...he didn't. Am I the only one whose ever said "no" to a child??? I wasn't "bumped" due to DD, I was "bumped" because of DD's friend.

So, I need opinions/advise---I'm getting ready to put on my big girl panties while I grab another beer. Oh, and don't forget the ily thing....am I with a tortoise? (from a thread on another site).

My eyes are so swollen I've decided I won't/can't be here when the "crew" returns.

UpandRunning (and having a pity party)

why do you have to be stubborn? why can't you say i love you first? is it a silent rule or something? i think i told my bf first that i knew i was falling il with him. it was taking a chance but i wanted to be honest. after 18 months someone should be saying it. why not you? maybe he isn't saying because you aren't saying it ya know?

as far as today, i agree with you. dd's friend should have been told no she could not come, he had plans he made with you and your dd's 2 weeks ago. his dd pulls the "i won't go if my friend does not go". i would have said "ok then, have a nice time at home alone dear". i would talk to him about your feelings on this in a non-accusatory way. it is obviously bothering you. maybe he didn't think it a big deal but it is to you so you need to talk to him about it. you have to be able to talk about the good, the bad, and the ugly in a relationship or else resentments build up. don't let that happen. he can't read your mind.

mlhb

Upandrunning,

I am sorry you are sad but I think many women say one thing and mean another.Mean what you say and say what you mean.In other words,don't be the martyr and give up time ( or anything else) with loved ones if you really will be hurt about it.

You gave up your seat so to speak and so they went with it.Was it the best situation? Of course not.Who really thinks it's a good idea to leave a Mom behind or alone on Mother's Day unless they have a screw loose.Your SO was probably trying to save face with his DD or at least not create a bunch of drama.And teenagers are only looking out for themselves primarily so they can't see the emotional big picture either for lack of experience.

You shouldn't assume that other's will understand your plight.One thing I have learned over the years,including reading here,is that common sense and care just doesn't seem to be a part of too many people.We had a thread going here a ways back over whether or not it's "common sense" to support and comfort a loved one who had surgery and lost a beloved pet. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Anyway,I agree that you should talk about your feelings and again,speak up if you are not comfortable deep down with missing an event or spending time with your kids or whatever the case may be.And please DO be there when they return.Tell them how much you hope they had a good time and don't sulk or play games like that.It's very unattractive and a bit childish.Be honest about what happened.Aside from the DD's friend,these are your loved ones.Be glad they are home safe.

And as for ILY,I agree too that you should say it if you really feel it.It doesn't matter who "goes first".What matters is that you are honest with your feelings even if it is a risk you are taking.It may just enrich your relationship more,you know? I'm not sure why you feel the need to be "stubborn" but you may want to think about why it's so important for him to say it first.He may be thinking the same thing!

Lastly,not to sound preachy but please don't drown your sorrows in alcohol.It's really not the healthiest way to handle your sorrows.jmo

Good Luck!

Thanks for the responses.

We talked last night and I think he realized that I had been backed into a corner and really had no other choice than to offer to stay at home. He also acknowledged that he should've stood up to DD.

We'll see how it goes. I'm still hurt, but have managed to laugh about it today with him.

I'm giving a lot of thought to taking the ily leap. I think, no, I KNOW my insecurities get the better of me when I have too much time to analyze. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Don't worry about me "drowning my sorrows". I did have a beer, but added that mostly for humor...as I saw NONE in the situation! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

I disagree. You weren’t backed into a corner. You offered something without really meaning it, and then, they took you at your word. You had other choices. You could have said “Oh, it’s too bad the boat only sits five. But, if your DD doesn’t want to go without her friend, she’ll be able to spend more time with her mother. I’m sure your ex-wife will appreciate it.” Or, “Oh, honey. I know you want to make your DD happy. And all the girls are looking forward to this trip. Tell you what, we’ll make this a girls’ day out. You stay home and watch the game. The girls and I will take the boat.” There were a lot of solutions, including taking all the girls, and then having some picnic by the dock or boat launch while others are in the boat, then switching.

Do not allow a problem to be turned into a yes0or-no, either-or issue. Get creative. Look at it from all angles. Then crawl underneath the problem and look up. You’ll be able to find solutions that make adults and the children happy. Well, make the teens as happy as hormone-riddled, angst-filled teens can be. This is important because while it would be good for the daughter if her father could say “no” to her, you can’t force him to.

He's got to be able to stand up to his daughter and put the mutual family's needs first some times. His daughter did have a chance to go on the boat with a friend at least once, and your daughter's did not have a chance to go at all yet. So he should say that we are all going today as it is Mother's Day and we will take friend another time since you got to go with friend yesterday.

I have a young teen and they will always say things with the utmost conviction regarding what they will or won't do...that is okay, they are starting to exert their independence..HOWEVER, this doesn't mean they get their way everytime. You do need to talk to your SO about this. He needs to be able to set reasonable limits.