I really don't post much, but have been freq reader for awhile. Background is I was divorced 9 yrs ago after 29 yr marriage that produced 4 wonderful children. FH left me for OW, and I promised myself back then that I would try and restore our marriage, as long as he didn't remarry.
He still lives with OW, supposedly got engaged in 2001, but she has not worn engagement ring for a couple of yrs and no wedding date has been set.
I did not handle divorce well and did all the wrong things, the typical, yelling, screaming, begging, etc. I am the one who filed for divorce out of anger, but hoped he would stop it if he truly loved me.
It has been a major rollercoaster of emotions for me. My father left my mother when I was 9, and I didn't have hardly any contact with him after that, so I do have some abandonment and rejection issues.
ANyway, FH and I go from trying to be friends to arguing, to trying to be friends to arguing.,blah ,blah. I have really been trying to understand what really happened between us and he has been good about answering most of my questions. However, the one question I cannot get him to answer is "what does he love so much about this OW"? He refuses to answer it. WHy do you think that is?
Over the past yr we have emailed freq and while answering some of my questions he commented that if he had to do it over again, we would have worked on the marriage, and that the grass isn't any greener, just different. He also commented in late Feb that he and OW had some issues and that he was going to try and work them out with her, because he didn't try and work out our issues with me. He said it may take several months. He did say the main issue was our oldest son, but the others were personal and he wwasn't going to discuss them.
ANway, in March our daughter was in town and on her last night we all met for dinner-the OW was out of town. For some reason something just "snapped" in my mind. I realized that he didn't really want to be there with me, and that if the OW was in town, he would have been with her and not his kids and me.I realized how much time I have wasted hoping and praying this man would wake up. I feel like such a fool, looking back on all the stupid things I have said and done, trying to put my family back together.
I ended up sending him an email the following day, saying it all stops now and that I can't keep on acting like we are all good friends for the kids sake. As long as he is with OW, it just can't be done. Its been two weeks now since I have heard from him-that is almost the longest since we have been divorced.
I feel like I have started some wierd type of delayed plan b.After being married to someone for so long, do you ever stop caring for them? We have 4 kids together and 2 grandchildren, so we are always going to be somewhat connected.
I don't sit home pining away--I work full time, go out with friends, go to the gym and keep myself busy. How do I really get over this?? I really need some advice.

Over the years you made a huge emotional investment in your family and in your mind, you were not willing to close the bank account. Then you realized the check bounced. It sounds as if he tried to keep some connection because you satisfied one or more of his emotional needs. And he you.

Some folks spend the rest of their life wanting what they cannot have. Others move on and build relationships that are real or at least available. Decide which way it is going to be for you and then just do it. You owe him nothing except contempt. You could even arrange to never see him again or talk to him or anything at all. There are roses out there to be smelled instead of a dead horse.

Larry