Ok Ok JMWC95. I get the point. Looking by the number of posts you have made, it seems like you (and many others) have made it their point to advise posters although I would believe I am not the first to display hesitation at your suggestions. Obviously each situation is different but the outcome remains the same.

I spent a few hours this evening compiling my list of email messages going back 3 months. I highlighted the actual text so it would stand out from the unneeded data. I found that the tone of the emails has become more suggestive and I am not done compiling yet. I have a few more files to go through but its 12:35AM and my wife is asleep next to me. She was her usual self after returning late from work; so different from the last affair during which she was almost contemptuous toward me. She knows that something is wrong with me though and has asked me on several occasions if I am ok to which I have answered “just feeling out-of-sorts”

Since I have several young children, I need to confront her with the evidence when the children are not around so I’ll attempt to make time this weekend. (The whole family will be together tomorrow night)

As far as telling Bob’s wife, I know many would believe it is the right thing to do. I am certainly not ruling that out. Unfortunately it’s an extremely difficult situation that will affect more than the four of us. In fact, I saw both Bob and his wife today and both are very involved in our church. It was so difficult to shake his hand but I had to. In spite of your insistence with me discussing this with her, I will take it one step at a time and talk to my wife, letting her know that I will be talking to Bob’s wife. I’ll gauge her reaction.

Don’t say I am not heeding the advice of members of this group. Quite the contrary. I was initially going to wait and monitor for a few more weeks but I will not wait. I’ll talk to her at the first opportunity.

I'm back!

A lot of times a WS will act pissed off to try and manipulate you into getting what they want. You need to be the one that lays out the law. Don't let her bully you. I would suggest something to the effect of, "Either you agree to NC with Bob, or you can find somewhere else to stay until you do. I'm not supporting you so you can just cheat on me and humiliate me again." Show her you mean business. If you show her you have no fear, she won't have anything to manipulate you with.

Good for you for standing up for yourself. I wish I would have done so sooner. I might not have had to endure two and a half months of he11.

CGU,

It's time to be the man. Your WW is repeat cheating because she does not respect you. Why should she? You do not respect yourself. What ever is happening right now is the result of your WW bad choices and your own lack of action.

I had less "concrete" proof to go with than you do when I confronted Mrs GF. She actually found one of my voice activated recorders and asked me about it. I hadn;t yet confronted because I didn't have "enough" proof.

I told her I was using it to ascertain the nature of her affair. She told me she wasn't having an affair. I said that knew unequivocally that she was. Then I shut up. Neither one of us said anything for about 10 minutes, I was exhausted and thought I might fall asleep so I asked her, "Now that it's out in the open what are you going to do?"

She knew the truth, she knew I knew at least some of the truth but not how much and she didn't know how I knew. she agreed to no contact that night. I wish I would have ended my nightmare sooner. You can.

Hey Cannot.... be a man... fight this head on. It won't be long before your wife is giving this guy a blow job if you keep up with the current course of action.... if the visual of that is not enough to stir you to action... I suggest that you get used to the idea of being second fiddle.

ML has offered you great advice as have others here. We have seen this all before and YOU are putting this affair in a gift box for your wife and Bob based on your current actions.

Go stick your foot in Bob's butt... let him know to never contact your wife again. Tell his wife everything... she has a right to know. Tell your pastor too. And screw the job... the need to have no contact for LIFE. Get the picture yet.... if not... imagine your wife dropping to her knees...

sorry to be so graphic cannot... but you seem to be missing the severity of this issue.

I had something VERY similar happen with my husband and my neighbor. I confronted my husband who admitted to everything and then I went straight to the neighbor's husband and clued him in. Afterward, the neighbor continued to email my husband, but he was honest with me and showed me every email. He did not repond to her until he came up with a "Good-bye" email I was comfortable with. She has not contacted him again since he sent that email--it also told her he had shared EVERY detail of their affair with me.

Best of luck to you. I don't think you have to destroy another marriage to regain your own, but it takes both of you to be willing to work very diligently through the crisis.

I think the usual advice here is NOT TO GIVE ANY WARNING that you will be exposing the inappropriate relationship to the OMW. Your wife will warn Bob and he'll have time to do damage control...possibly ruining the effectiveness of the exposure.

CGU

My H had an affair. The OW was a friend. We were friendly with another couple. It started with inappropriate and sexually suggestive banter.

Please listen to this. Your W is having an affair. It is NOT ok to be talking about erections or oral sex to ANYBODY except for you, period. If it were "just the way they are" then why, as someone else pointed out, arent they including YOU and Bob's W? I mean, it is innocent, right?

You need to take those emails and send them to the OM's W IMMEDIATELY. I know from whence I speak. My H ended his affair w the OW in March of last year. The OW's H knew. I did not. Guess what?? The affair continued until late April. When did it end? On the very day I found out. All of March and April, the affair continued and they continued to lie to the OW's H, telling him it was over. Had the OW's H told me in March, I have little doubt it would really have ended then. I wont even get in to a discussion on WHY the OM's W has every right to know.

I know you believe your situation is unique. That involving the OM's W in this would be "difficult" and there are more than the "4 of you" involved. Im sorry to say that your situation is NOT unique in any way. It is ALWAYS difficult for everyone. It NEVER impacts just the "4 of you" . In my situation, both families had 3 children each so there were 6 children involved, plus extended families, friends etc.... There is absolutely nothing unique about your situation.

Your W OWES you honesty and transparency. She had an A that appears to be on going. She has just figured out more clever ways to hide it. You should not feel guilty about checking up on her. She lost that right to privacy when she decided to have an A.

If you want this to stop, EXPOSE NOW TO THE OM's W. I cannot stress that enough. Then, end ALL contact. New job, no contact w "Bob", new community if you have to. FIGHT for your marriage and your wife.

I would suggest that you NOT tell your wife BEFORE you tell Bob's wife, but AFTER. She must be told, most especially since she sees your wife and is unaware that your w is a DANGER to her and her children. She needs to know the truth and should not be allowed to be exposed to your W as long as she is ignorant of these pertinent facts.

The reason you should not tell your W BEFORE is because if you warn your wife of this, she will warn the OM, who will, in turn SPIN THE STORY and pre-empt you. You can count on the OM to spin this as "just friends" and you are sort of nutty and insanely jealous husband. So, when you do call, she won't believe you becuase you will have been thoroughly discredited as a nut.

The best thing all around is to simply call up the OMW shortly after you confront your W and tell her, make arrangements to give her the emails. Don't tell anyone you plan on doing this, just do it. I assure you that your W will find out soon enough.

ditto Mel

Please believe what Mel has told you. We have seen it over and over.

If you tell your W, she will tell OM, and they will spin it to make you look bad, and to look like they are innocent. You can't imagine the stories they can/will dream up.

Realize some things -
1. The nature of the friendship has already changed. The damage has already been done by the affair.

2. Telling OM's W does not change the relationship, it is the result of a relationship that is already changed.

3. You can't go back to what it used to be. There is no way. Dr Harley has studied this for years. He's the expert, and he says there should be no contact if you want your marriage to last.

4. The sooner you talk to OM's W, and the sooner your W ceases contact with OM, the more quickly you can begin to recover your M.

Now think on these things. You KNOW it's not right for her to be talking this way to him, and he to her. You know she lied to you when she said it was innocent. If she lied about that, there may be many more things you don't know. Please do what will give you the best chance of recovery.

Watch your W's reaction to what you do. If there is an active, ongoing affair, she will be angry, and you will feel her wrath. Know then that you are doing the right thing, and that you have probably prevented it from getting much worse.

SS

Double dittos on what Melody said.

Friend, you're awfully invested in shielding your WW and OM from the consequences of what they're doing. I don't understand why. They certainly haven't shown any consideration for you or the other man's wife. It is they who have behaved inappropriately. Quit enabling the adultery, man. Exposing the obscenity is the best way to stop it. Do it now and get started on the rest of Plan A.

What can I say other than I have never “met” a nicer more caring bunch of “know-it-alls”. I say that truthfully and unfortunately I am right. It sounds like most of you offering advice to me have all been there before. How sorry I am that you have been in situations like mine and frankly, a lot worse. I cannot thank you all enough for opening my eyes.

In spite of what I have told you, the outward appearance of my marriage is solid. We get along nicely and are always friendly and affectionate toward each other. We have solved our prior issues and both want to work at a stronger marriage…..or so it seemed.

I have been feeling awful all day. Not about my discovery but about the fact that I know what I need to do. I have been rehearsing dialogs in my mind all day. My wife will be home later tonight and I have all the email evidence (backed up too) and I will confront her and then tell Bob’s wife. You are right. She needs to know.

When I confronted my wife about her first affair, she was genuinely upset that she had hurt me. At that time, we were going through a rough emotional period. She insisted that we go for counseling and showed great resolve in making our marriage work. I have found out that the emails between her and Bob go back even before her first affair.

I know you will all disagree but I believe that she thinks she is doing nothing wrong. My wife has always been the joking type and has no qualms about being “one-of-the-boys” and can tell a dirty joke like the rest of us. Perhaps this is why I was hesitant to do anything initially. “She was just being her usual dirty self” I thought to myself. Reading the emails makes me believe that she has definitely overstepped the boundary.

CGU

Im sorry to say that what you are describing isnt "hangin' w the boys" type of behavior.

It is blatently putting out bait to see who snaps it up. There is a vast difference between telling a dirty joke and telling someone "I think about you as Im going to bed". Do you see the difference? Your wife is trolling. I hate to say it but it seems clear to me.

You deserve so much better, my friend.

I will be thinking of you. Im sorry for what is sure to be an unpleasant weekend.

If she's doing nothing wrong then I'm sure she won't mind when you forward the emails to Bob's wife.

What would you rather have. A seemingly solid M on the outside where your wife is secretly fantasizing about another man and will eventually (if she hasn't already) act out on her fantasies, or a rough spot in your M where you need to work on some things but your wife hasn't slept with someone else? Those are your choices.

Hiya CGU:

Hokay, here it is;



Listen to what the women on here are telling you. This is one of the few places in the world, other than your sisters if you have any, where what women do and why can be revealed in all of its spendor to, gasp, males. Yep, how women troll is one of those somewhat secret things.

She may or may not be trolling for sex. She may just be looking for a reaction. Then she looks again. She likes it. And so on. But it ISN'T innocent. And women can spot that kinda garbage a mile off on a foggy day.

Ever read the 15 steps to an affair? Women often fall in that trap by just wanting a little bit of reaction to validate that they are sexy. Good luck. Women don't like for their dirty laundry to be invited to wash day.

Larry

>She mentioned that she wished she could be with him and >she thinks about him when she goes to bed. She asked him >about internet sex amongst other things.

Wow, sounds just like me right before reeling in a male friend for cyber or webcam sex (err...the old me, rather). Seriously, this is not the behavior of a women who is trying to keep herself out of trouble, not unless she's got some serious self-deception problems as well (which is possible.)

Confront her..if she gets mad, says you violated her privacy, etc. point out to her that she is not very good at monogamy (as her track record proves) and needs your help setting boundaries to keep herself out of further trouble.

I confronted her last night(what a relief!!) and we spend many hours talking. I'll post what we discussed very soon. I'm not alone right now so I cannot elaborate but I took a quick moment to update this thread.

So now that you've confronted her, what's your status? You noted that you were relieved...I'm curious what led to that?

Sorry to say that this really baffles and infuriates the bloody he!! out of me to hear people say stuff like this.

My wife had an affair. Other people knew. They didn't tell me. They put myself, my son, my wife, and my marriage in jeopardy because they thought they were doing the 'right' thing and minding their own business.

That man's wife is being kept in the dark by you now.

You found it appropriate to monitor and record everything that occurs on your wifes computer (and it IS appropriate). But you are now deciding that the other wife should have access to none of this?!!!?

How would you feel if she were doing this to you?

I know that this will come as quite a surprise to all that have helped me cope over the past few days. I bet a few folks will be downright angry with my post but I feel that I need to explain the situation.

I confronted my wife and we spoke at length. The situation with Bob is as follows.

My wife has always been a joker. Ever since I knew her, she has always been “one of the guys” and yes, her banter can revolve around what many, including me, consider as too forward. I guess this never really bothered me much until it came to light over the past few weeks.

My wife had an emotional affair with a man 8 months ago. Nothing physical happened. We were not getting along both physically or emotionally and it showed. My wife was not looking for anyone. It just happened. I found an email and we went into counseling. We worked hard and have since rebounded back and have what we considered was a wonderful relationship. Of course I then found evidence of her emails to Bob.

I was reluctant to do anything about it, as indicated in my previous posts because I could not believe what I was reading, given the state of our relationship so I came here.

On confronting my wife, it turns out that these emails have been going back and forth for the last 5 years. My wife insists that there is nothing going on between her and Bob. In fact, she told me of an instance where her and an ex co-worker used to joke around in a similar fashion.

I can see other posters on this forum cringe at this point but you need to believe what I am saying. Even though the context of the emails disturbs me, it was written in my wife’s usual joking way. Sexual, but still joking.

My wife was very upset and cried at the fact that I was hurt at what I had found out. Nothing was said as to how I found out. In fact, she told me about conversations that she had with Bob that I knew about (she did not know that I knew) and her description was exactly as I had read it. In other words, she was not trying to hide anything. She was honest and sincere. We talked for hours.

Marriage is about trust. Unfortunately it can be easily broken. That is why we are all here. My trust had been broken before but the circumstance was completely different. In this case, the situation does not warrant a loss of trust…as much as some would disagree with me. I am not ready to throw in the towel since I fully accept her explanation. One can tell whether you are being fed a line of crap or whether you are getting a genuine explanation and I truly believe what I heard. After 15 years of marriage with very few downs and mostly ups, I have forgiven her for her previous affair and believe what she has told me.

My wife did agree to tone down the rhetoric so as not to offend me anymore. She agreed that, looking from my perspective, it was inappropriate.

In closing, I truly hope that those worse off than me find comfort and compassion in groups such as this from caring individuals such as those who helped me last week.