My ws had an 9 month A with a man with whom she worked. She has realized it was a big mistake and we are trying to recover. Would it be a good idea for her to send a letter to the OP's wife to apoligize??

Welcome. I hope that the other man's wife knows about the affair. And I hope your wife is no longer working with the other man. Many betrayed spouses would just as soon not hear from someone who has hurt them so badly. Maybe some more folks will give their view.

Yes everyone knows and she has quit her job.

Has she figured out the "why" of the affair?

Yes she has. She got a lot of attention she enjoyed. He told her he wanted her and she was curious what it would be like to sleep with him. She began to fantasize about it and the next time they went out they drank enough so when he asked her to go to a hotel she said yes. After that, the excitment and thrill kicked in and she was hooked.

Has she figured out how she can prevent this from happening again the next time a man tells her he wants her?

Yes, 1st she realizes she almost lost everything, her home, kids and me and that I was here all along. She cries when she thinks of the pain she has caused. She is rebuilding our relationship and opening up. She is aware of other men when they are checking her out and protecting herself by keeping in contact with me as much as possible.

You are lucky. It does sound like she gets it. Now check out the emotional needs questionnaire and make sure that the two of you are meeting each others needs. Also it is important to spend 15 hours a week doing fun things together, WITHOUT the kids. You want to end up with a better marriage than before.

This stuff takes about 2 years before you feel normal again, so hang in there. You might check out the recovery board - folks there can help, and the busier General Questions II board.

No! If she has ended the relationship and isn't sure if the other spouse knows, she shouldn't be the one to reveal it! Don't inflict that pain on this man's wife without knowing her circumstance. It's hard enough to find out your spouse is unfaithful without the info coming from the exlover. Especially if she is emotionally vulnerable, or unable to leave the marriage because of children or finances. If he hasn't changed his ways-she'll find out. Hopefully, he'll confess on his own and they can save the marriage when they're ready. I almost sent letters to the husband of my WH's lover, but could not bring myself to inflict the pain I was experiencing on another person. My husband ended the relationship, apologized(not immediately), and we are doing well in our reconcilliation. There is still a lot of associated pain and I can't imagine forcing that on someone who's spouse is unrepentent or unwilling to work on the marriage.