I plan on posting my story when I have more time. It's long-of course.

My husband admitted to having an affair. That came after I beat the truth out of him. I had to literally show him all of the information I've found. I had to keep adding all the days/times up with emails, chats, cell phone records until he just could not deny it.

I guess he realized he couldn't tell me I was dreaming it all up anymore, so he admitted.

We're only a week into counseling now, and there's many issues I'd like to discuss.

Right now though, I am wondering if I should have him send the letter that Dr. Harley suggests to the OW?

He said it's over, he told her.

That doesn't sit well enough for me.

I am debating him sending the letter because if he truly did end it-the right way-should he make contact with this woman again? (Right way meaning he told her there will never be contact again. He is in love with his wife and that's the only thing that matters to him. He understands he's made a mistake and he will learn from it. Those aren't the words he's told him he has told her though.) Not that I care about her feelings, but if they haven't spoken for the past month (when he said he ended it) what could that letter make her do? Become angry, hurt, etc...? Try to come back in his life?

I know we have to safe guard our marriage and so that if that were to happen we'd have the right tools in place, but it's very early yet. It's only a month.

Advice, comments suggestions...they are all welcomed.

I truly thank you in advanced for any time and consideration you give this topic.

The no contact letter needs to be sent. He can write it and you review it and send it.

It should say that the affair was a big mistake, that he loves his wife and wants his marriage, and that he wants no contact with her ever again for any reason. The End.

See if he will send it. If he refuses, you have problems.

Also if she is marriage, her husband needs to be informed.

I agree with Believer. The no contact letter is as important a step for you as it is for him. Also the affair should be exposed to the OW husband if she is married.

NT

I'm in the same position. My wife had an affair which I exposed several months ago. To this day she refuses to write a 'NC Letter'. She said that the voice messages and text message I sent to the OM's cell phone was stearn enough. She told me that the OM which she had the affair with has ended completely. Can't say that they had any contact with each other. Any thoughts on this please.

Sorry Robi that your wife refuses. I know how hurtful that can feel.

At this point, I am not asking him to send the letter. He teaches at an adult school and this woman was his student. She just graduated. However, the school's policy says graduated students are welcomed back at any time. So she could rightfully walk in the door. I can live with that for now because a.)I've told my husband he MUST tell me if that should happen-or any contact-an email, a call, etc...and I do trust that he would tell me. b.)He's 2/3's of the way to a new job. Interviewd twice, and it looks promising. If and when he leaves and gets a new job, he will send the letter. I believe he is agreeable. I think if I made him send now, he would.


The sucky part is that our finances are so shaky right now, we couldn't affoard to have this woman talk to the school and tell them. If he were to get fired I'd loose it. Just the thought about having to try to find another job, knowing that he will not get a good refrence is too scary for me.



Still want to post my story. There's a lot he's not doing right (I feel, and according to what I've read) and this saddens me even more than the A. He's from another planet these days. (Well, if not planet, another country. He was raised in Sicily.) He wants to sweep it under the rug and I'm loosing patience and energy trying to explain. Also, I feel like he asks too much, "what should I say." And then I tell him what I'd like to hear, but I also tell him, I want him to FEEL what I want to hear. Be his thoughts. I feel like if I tell him too much, I'll just lead his thoughts for him.

It is a mistake not to tell him what you need from him. That is crucial now. That way you can gauge how willing he is to work on the marriage.

believer, I hear you loud and clear. And am going against my better judgement. I am afraid it will provoke her.

I thought this before I ever asked him to send. When I did, he said he was afraid to provoke her. (I did not tell him I was thinking this.) He said she's gone away quitely and was told that there could never be anything between them.

Deep inside, I believe I am stupid by buying this.

Does ANYONE feel or see my point? We have a young child together and I'm scared that OW could go off the deep end and start harassing me and our family. Crazy????

I told him as soon as he leaves the job he must send and he DID agree.

Wierd? Or are hubby and I on the same page?

Doesn't matter much, I guess. Today is a particularly BAD day. I'm overwhelmed by it all. Not even looking foward to going home, and the sadest part is that my beautiful baby is waiting for me.

I've done some reading on Plan A. I don't know how you guys do it.

I had to beat the truth out of my husband and I got it out. Well, most of it. I feel that he is still not getting certain dates and times straight. He says he doesn't remember every detail, but my gut tells me he's lying. He told me he loves me, wants to be with me, and is sorry. I don't feel it though. I truly feel he is afraid to be without me, and the "comfort" of everything we've built together. That is not a reason to stay together, or an acceptable one for me.

Don't worry about the reason he decided to stay. That really makes very little difference right now. You have the chance to read all the stuff here about emotional needs, Policy of Joint Agreement, etc. You must insist on having a marriage that is much better than the one you had before the affair.

Yes, that is the truth. It's crazy how the very first night that he told me "everything" was the night that I was most rational. He said, I just can't wait to go back to things being normal and I said, no they have to be better.

I understand that things weren't working-not an excuse for him-but neither one of us were happy. Don't get me wrong, we weren't miserable either. There was A LOT of good in the marriage. However, I think I am reading into every comment and forcasting the future. In other words, that night I've already shown that I am willing to make changes, because I said things have to be better, but he is saying he doesn't want to make changes because he wants things to be like they used to.

Am I reading into it too much?

As far as I've been told, and can see this woman isn't married. Should a letter still be sent to someone in her life? Her mother, her sister? And who should send that letter?

I actually sent a letter to the OW. i wanted to braak down the myths he may have been telling her about me, to damage feelings towards their A. or at least i wanted her to know i wasn't cold hearted, i was a real person with a broken heart. i needed to give myself as the BS an identity and make her think about what she did.
i wasn't mean, i was honest and real.
she has backed off, it seems she has some conscious after all.

Well, my WH had his affair about a year ago and that was before I saw this excellent site. He phoned her, and in front of me, told her it was OVER; that he was tired of her emails, phone calls and that if she ever tried to contact him he would not respond; that he was extremely happy with me and he wanted her to just leave us alone. So....have not heard one peep from her since that time. Believe his phone call, in front of me, was like the letter, so.....I know that after a year it would seem like dredging up the past for me to write a letter or him to do so. We've moved on quite a bit, since then and I really don't wish to even think about her anymore; nor does he. So, I do believe that sometimes it is okay not to send this letter. According to the circumstances.