Thanks Jen and Pio...Neither Mr. W or I could figure out that particular acronym...And we are card carryin' members of the W.I.A (We're Into Acronyms)...<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Okay swade...FWIW, here are my answers to your questions...
If you can recollect, what was the most impactful action your BH did that really drew you back to the M?
Hmmm...Our story gets a bit complicated here...OM dumped me in June 2005-I found out MUCH later (Dec. 2006) that this was due to Mr. W and my mom working together...They formulated a plan together, one where my mom called OM with some very real threats-scared him to death and he dumped me the very next day(bear in mind that my mom had known OM since our childhoods-he was my high school/college bf)...Prior to that, Mr. W had played on OMs insecurities regarding $$$ by spoon-feeding me info that he knew I would immediately repeat to OM...stuff about my spending habits that he knew OM could never support...Mr. W is EXCELLENT at the art of psychological warfare...My mom reiterated this stuff to OM during "THE CALL"...
But of course I did not know any of this prior to this past Dec....So, had you asked me that question before, I would have told you other stuff that I perceived as helping bring me back to the marriage...
-One thing in particular that stood out to me then was Mr. W telling me that if I left that a HUGE part of my history...our history...would be lost forever...our courtship...our wedding day...the birth of our DD...ALL of the parenting moments...not to mention the little things that could NEVER be recreated-inside jokes, etc...that left me reeling...I did not wish to let that go...It was BIG for me...
-Something else that was significant for me...Mr. W comforted me during withdrawal-WOW, that takes a man amongst men to do...THAT is UGLY, and yet he was there, letting me cry on his shoulder...the whole nine...I am awed by him...
Was it meeting your needs in plan A?
Yes...He was with me CONSTANTLY-admittedly that drove me NUTS back then...BUT it was a kind of "I hate you, don't leave me" attitude-strange to be sure...Prior to the affair Mr. W had been married to work...No more...He was there always encouraging me to talk-Conversation is one of my top ENs too...Before Mr. W and I withdrew from each other prior to the affair, he was the MASTER at meeting my convo EN and now he was back in full force...He's impossible to beat on that front...EVEN when I didn't want him to be...He's just that great of a conversationalist to me...
The only one that was set in stone from him was "I refuse to be in a loveless marriage"-Covers a lot of ground that one...That was his response to me when I told him that he was essentially holding me against my will in the marriage...(that makes me both roll my eyes and laugh at myself now when I think about what a stubborn child I was acting like at the time)
Mr. W never asked me to read SAA or anything else...What he did do was leave those materials lying around the house so that if I were ever to be curious that I could pick them up and read them of my own volition...That is exactly what happened...I was MISERABLE in withdrawal and began reading SAA to see if anything in there would help soothe me...After I began reading and talking about it, Mr. W sent me a link to the forums here...DO NOT DO THIS YET IN YOUR SITUATION...Remember, Mr. W KNEW that OM had tucked tail, ran and wasn't coming back at that point...Bringing your WW here now would be premature...This is your safe place, keep it that way for the time being...
Yep, and this was a biggie and one where I will take a different position from the other posters so far...PLASTIC SURGERY...It was something that I had also long wanted...Mr. W knew that the surgery that I wanted would take me six weeks to recover from...He knew that he could and would spend that time filling my lovebank to overflowing while taking care of me...Not to mention that he could certainly monitor easier for contact while I was down for the count, so to speak...He DID have me put it on my own credit card though, just so that if I did leave that it would be MY debt...That never even occured to me at the time...He just told me that my Discover card had some special deal going on and that it would be best if we put it on that-Wayward-Dying-For-Plastic-Surgery-Me accepted that without a peep...As it turns out, by the time that I actually had the surgery, the affair was over...The love units he deposited in my lovebank during my recovery STILL overflow today though...He was SO awesome to me...So, if you can work it like that, I say let her have the surgery, it will work in your favor I believe...
Mr. W did negotiate other things with me too...Like you would a child really-let's face it, waywards are nothing more than unruly children...He did stuff like promise me a laptop in exchange for the "Affairullar Phone"...To me, Mr. W was a Plan A Master...He just ROCKS...
Hope something I've said helps...
Mrs. W
P.S. I saw you mention the MB Weekend...Mr. W and I attended the one in Orlando in May of this year...It's INCREDIBLE...I would ask Steve Harley about the timing on presenting the idea of that to your WW...
