Hello,
My spouse and I do not negotiate very well at all. We are both trying to do better though but there is one issue that we just cannot agree on so any help would be appreciated.

My H saw a personal therapist who prior to his seeing her on a personal level was our marriage therapist. There were things done and said that led me to believe that she was causing harm to our marriage, a view which Dr. Harley agreed with. My H agreed not to see her anymore and led me to believe that he was not. One and a half years later he told me he is still seeing her and never did not stop seeing her. I told him I felt betrayed and I did not understand why he would lie about it. He claims that she helps him to deal with our marriage. I told him I felt like he was cheating on me just not in a physical sense and it hurt a lot. He told me that I was ridiculous for comparing him seeing his therapist to him having an affair. I told him that is how I felt. That in order to trust him he had to stop seeing her since he had previously agreed that he would not see her anymore. He said he would cancel his next appointment and make it for six weeks, because if we were not better in six weeks then he would need her for help with our divorce because six weeks would be plenty of time to know if we were going to make it or not. He said this is very reasonable and I should accept it because if we are getting along then he will cancel the next one also. He does not want to give up his appointment because she does not take new patients and he is worried that he would be a new patient. I told him I felt very hurt that he would not cancel his appointment and work toward making our marriage a trusting one with the focus on working together and caring about each others feelings. I feel like he is picking her help in case we get divorced over trying to regain my trust in him and his dedication to improving our marriage. I told him I could not trust him and this was the breaking point for me that I come second to his job, his family, his coworkers, and I cannot be second to what if’s. He said I am giving him an ultimatum and it is not fair that we should do his alternative plan because he will not see her for six weeks. I feel this is discounting my feelings altogether. He said I am not being reasonable.

So my questions are.

1. Is it unreasonable for me to want him to not see his therapist anymore at all and not just cancel his appointment?
2. Is it absurd that I feel betrayed by him as if he were having a physical affair?
3. Is there another solution that neither one of us are seeing?

Thank you so much for your help.

That’s a tough one. I can understand why you would hate being deceived. I would probably feel betrayed too. The fact that he has been sharing the most intimate aspects of his life, his thoughts and his emotions with someone you don’t like is probably scary. Good therapists are measured and don’t take sides. They try to bring perspective and help people see situations in more depth and color.

I probably would not give up my psychiatrist that I’ve had since I was 19. I trust him. I’d wonder if my spouse had my best interests at heart if he asked me to never see Dr. S again. I probably average once a year these days, but still I need Dr. S when depression strikes. I do know my X felt very threatened by Dr. S because my X’s behavior was making me miserable. My X was trying to convince me the sky was yellow, and he was afraid Dr. S would reinforce my belief that the sky was indeed blue.

On the other hand, if this woman was less than professional with your husband during MC, and crossed the line into a more personal relationship with him, that would be an issue and I’d die on that hill.

When you stopped seeing her, did you start seeing someone else for MC? Did any of the marital issues get resolved? Which ones didn’t get resolved? Six weeks is a short amount of time to decide if you’re going to file. It sounds like he’s really at the end of his rope where the marriage is concerned. What do you think?

What would it take for you to enthusiastically agree to the IC? I think there may be alternatives.

Jo




Please be patient with what may seem like an insensitive response... I don't think those two questions are helpful. There is no productive answer to what you are asking. How do you differentiate between two people's strongly held views? You think your feelings are reasonable. He does not. You think his attitudes are insensitive. He thinks they are perfectly normal. You have your views. He has his. Asking who is right is a little like saying,

"I think eggplant is slimy and gross. My H thinks it is delicious. Who is right?"

For you, you are. For him, he is. Could you share information that may change his mind about eating eggplant? Maybe if he knew that eggplants taste the way they do was because they are soaked in pork urine or if he knew that eggplant caused an allergic reaction to you so deadly that just being around them was dangerous, maybe he would want to stop eating them. Do you know what I mean? His interpretation is his interpretation. Calling it right or wrong is not productive.

Now, all that said, what is my opinion of his attitude towards your feelings? I think his attitude as you've described it is insensitive and self centered. He is putting his opinion, his views and his desires above yours. On top of this he has lied to you about it. This is lovebusting behavior. No wonder you feel so hurt. Were my spouse to consistently put her feelings before mine, despite all our efforts to improve... I would seriously consider divorce. Should my spouse put her feelings below mine? Absolutely not. She should put them where they belong - right next to mine - no more or less valid, no more or less reasonable and no more or less important. I'm very against divorce for personal and religious reasons. But I'm even more against spousal abuse and neglect and your H's lovebsuting behavior is abusive... in my view and as I understand it in Dr H's as well.




You said you and your H don't negotiate very well. Well... there is no other way to find a solution. There is one, if you take each other's feelings in to equal consideration and get creative. You need to use the POJA. You need to fully and clearly and respectfully communicate your views and expectations here then brainstorm until you come up with a solution you both feel enthusiastic about. It may not be your ideal or his, but if you hold each other's happiness in equal regard, you can find a solution you both agree on.

He won't do it you say? What are you saying then? Are you saying he won't take your feelings in to consideration, he won't respect your opinion as equally valid? Are you saying he is willing to gain at your expense? That is abuse. How how much longer will you choose to tolerate it? He needs to change. Give him the best chance and the time to do so but you can't wait forever. In fact you can't wait for long in a toxic environment without becoming sick.


OK - a few more questions. I hope you are still reading this post <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I said he needs to change. So do you. (So do I.) What would you say you do wrong in your marriage? Where do you struggle? Do you nag? Do you understand and meet his emotional needs as if they were just as important as your own? Do you love bust sometime as well? (We all do.)

If your husband choses to not respect your feelings and treat them as if they were just as valid as yours and you ended up deciding to divorce - how would that make you feel? Of course divorce under any circumstance is tragic and painful. But when the dust settled what would be your fears and concerns? The children? Finding a future companion? Money? IF your H continues to hold you hostage by threatening divorce - and the fear of that keeps you a prisoner, I doubt you guys will make any progress. When things don't go his way he may like to pull out the D card and push you back in to the corner, like a vampire hunter with a cross. 'Back! Back you fiend!" Do you feel that way? Does he do that?

As long as he has that control over you and uses it maliciously, you will not feel whole or loved. Ok, so you divorce. Is that so wrong? Is it the end of the world? Remember, I don't advocate divorce except in one case - chronic abuse.

Anyway, long post. I hope you receive it and I hope it helps.

BWS