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Are you sure the affair is over? Did she write a no contact letter? Did you mail it?

Chances are if she's still withdrawing from you, and you are unsure about contact - she's likely still in contact.

You're in the right place - the pros here will help you (I am just a mere student <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> ) but in my short time here I've learned a ton.

In support,

JinGA

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Welcome. How was your marriage before she had the affair? Try to remember what she complained about, and fix those things.

Also you should ask her to write a no contact letter to the guy, and you should send it. And if she has decided to stay married and work on recovery, then she needs to be an open book, and you need to let her know that you will be checking the phone/computer.

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Oldest daughters can be a handful. We went through H*ll with ours, and are now divorced.

Yes, you can ask her to do the EN questionairre. She may refuse, but no harm trying. Most women's top needs are conversation, financial and domestic support.

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Is she living with you? How long have you been married? Does she still want to work on the marriage? Did she just put in the personal ad?

Give us some more info. Right now I don't even know if you live together. Give us more detail on the affair. How do you know it's over.

And who cares if she can tell if you've checked her phone? Check it anyway. She has demonstrated she's untrustworthy. If she refuses to be an open book, then you snoop.

Dude,

I don't know how much experience I have, but I think you need a reply.

Plan A your A$$ off. You know plan A, right? Being the best husband, friend, confidant, lover (if your lucky <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />) pal, etc. you can be.

But no fawning over her, as in smothering her. Maybe you are trying too hard??

And don't go all blubbery and clingy and sad and talking about the relationship at all hours. Don't talk R talk at all unless she brings it up.

Be happy and energetic and fun to be around.

She is probably going through withdrawal. You never did say if there was a no contact letter and did you send it?

Be there for her and wait it out.

But I would keep snooping as much as possible if you think there may still be contact.

That's all I got for now.

kirk

PERSONAL AD??

So does she still HAVE the personal ad??

Get a keylogger, hack into her personal ad, and delete it. This is blatantly disrespectful and you shouldn't lie down for it. Don't cower in fear at a WS, you need to stand up to them.

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Why beat around the bush? If you have "someone else" report it, you still instigated it. If you're going to report it, do it yourself, although nothing will stop her from putting up another profile.

It's easy to go underground with stuff like that - if you play games with her on it, she'll just cover her tracks better. Do you really want to play that game?

She has a personal ad. That's a huge red flag that you've got a MAJOR problem that needs to be dealt with head-on.

You can sneak around and try to stay a step ahead, while she carries on these online flirtations, or you can stick your head in the sand and pretend it's no big deal.

OR you can address it directly. Seems to me you need MC - at the very least. I'm not a long-timer or a "pro" here - I'm still learning every day... but logically it seems to me the sooner this is nipped in the bud and a boundary established, the sooner you'll know where you stand.

I think the M can still be fixed at this point - IF both of you want to - but that's all contingent on what you both want.

Hopefully the more learned here will chime in more but I think you've already received some good advice.

JinGA

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Scotty,


Anti-depresents, they will help with the rollercoaster ride. Talk to your doctor if the anxiety is affecting your life.

OM is the same one she took the dresses to? Is OM married. Best way to stop the clandestine bullpoop is to EXPOSE THE A!!


How can there be any kind of recovery if she is still doing this?? Have you both tried marriage counseling with a pro-marriage therapist? It's like she is cake-eating. Or biding her time until the next exciting email arrives.

Just curious as to if you or she were the infidels.

You have been married for just over a year? And she has had a PA and is now, even as we speak, sifting through the flood of emails from her personal ad searching for.....???

I would vote hard for the counseling and you have to set some boundaries. Maybe this is what she needs?? for you to put your foot down??

IMHO

kirk