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How long did you know her before you married her?
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Last edited by Justuss; 11/13/07 01:56 PM.
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One affair would be easier to understand. But the fact that she is married to you, and using this time to actively seek someone else is very troubling. It shows a real lack of respect.
Do you make more money than she does? I'm trying to figure out why she continues to stay married if she is interested in dating.
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Last edited by Justuss; 11/13/07 01:58 PM.
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Last edited by Justuss; 11/13/07 01:59 PM.
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I Just lost my post. Here's the cliffnote version.
Plan A does not mean you need to be a doormat.
Continue all the things that you are doing to improve yourself as a person, father, husband.
You also need to disable, not enable her actions. I.E. cancel the internet account, turn off the cellphone, etc.... Whatever is required.
I read you updated your "base sticker". Look to the base chapel or chapels to see if they support or run marriage retreats or workshops. Typically they are free, and will not turn anyone away. If you can get the W to attend, it will strike a nerve and might help snap her out.
It sounds like you should both look into anti-depression meds.
We all know how tough this is for you right know. It seems overwelming, but you need to know it does get better, and you can do it. Always keep your kids in your thought and decission making process.
Last edited by Justuss; 11/13/07 09:43 PM.
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Last edited by Justuss; 11/13/07 02:02 PM.
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I understand what you are saying about being a doormat, but I think at this point she may be just waiting for the excuse she needs to leave so that she can blame this on me in her mind... being controlling would do that... even if it was justified on my part. So what are your options? 1. Continue Plan A with hope that over time she will come around on her own. Meanwhile you continue to be treated with disrespect. 2. Continue to Plan A and inform her you Love her, but are unwilling to treated with disrespect. That you will do whatevers necessary in order protect your M and family. You will not stand for martial abuse. 3. Plan B 4. Plan D What expectations do you have for your M if you knowingly allow her to continue on this course? I agree about the anti-depression. I did go to a doctor but he prescribed something similar to something I took before and I didn't like the side effects, so am not taking them. Did you tell your doctor? Research other medication options. Unfortunately, the new job that she just took would preclude us from the weekend retreat, as well as a lot of other fun things that I thought might bring us close together. The workshop I attended was during the week. Yes I had to take personal time off, but It was well worth it. You don't know unless you look into it before dismissing the possibility. Even if it's 3 months from now, you can begin planning. Worse thing that happens... You would be proving by your actions, you want to improve your M.
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- No time to spend in lengthy "advice sessions," so just some brief comments, observations, and suggestions. What you do with them will be up to you, what you want, and how much you are willing to endure for your marriage, your child, and your chosen wife. You HAVE the Scriptural right to a divorce because she has committed, and is committing, adultery in mind and body.
Having said that, let's look ever so briefly at many of your comments and offer some brief responses to the things you have posted.
[color:"blue"](This "fear" is a normal response that Betrayed Spouses have, but you need to understand that the marriage is ALREADY over. It ended when she chose adultery. She has already made her choice and is now "cakewalking" by playing on your fears. Grow a "set" and recognize that if, and only if, you are willing to "go through he11" in trying to save your marriage to her can you have a CHANCE at rebuilding a NEW marriage. The "Old Marriage," as short in duration as it is, is over.[/color]
[color:"blue"](Won't blow over, fundamental personality problems)[/color]
[color:"blue"](Anti-anxiety meds will help, but stay with the mildest one that gets you to smooth out the highs and lows and continue functioning clearly and rationally, not in response to wildly swinging emotions)[/color]
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[color:"blue"](Are both you believers? Prayer is ineffective when people willingly choose to disobey God. Prayer for God to help each of you realize your individual need for Him and the need to surrender your lives to HIM.)[/color]
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[color:"blue"](She already ended the marriage when she chose adultery)[/color]
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[color:"blue"](CANNOT "make progress" when a spouse is "Wayward Spouse" mindset. Goal is first to end all affairs and THEN begin a recovery attempt where BOTH spouses are "trying")[/color]
[color:"blue"](Yes, and Yes)[/color]
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[color:"blue"](Either she is "escaping" into alcohol or she IS an alcoholic. I suspect the latter and that it probably had a lot to do with her previous failed relationships)[/color]
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[color:"blue"](All about "her" and everyone else has the "problems")[/color]
[color:"blue"](Again, more indication that she is an alcoholic)[/color]
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[color:"blue"]( True and Untrue. It IS all about HER, self-centered and selfish. It is NOT about what's "best for the baby" because ADULTERY and marital unfaithfulness is NOT good for anyone, especially not for children who suffer from the selfishness of so-called "adults."[/color]
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[color:"blue"](The "clues" of your current problem are here. You both need to be in counseling, preferably JOINT MARITAL counseling, NOT individual counseling. You need counseling that is focused on saving marriages AND understanding what marriage means and how actions impact positively or negatively the "one flesh" entity that IS marriage)[/color]
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[color:"blue"](There are psychological terms for this, but I'm betting A.D.D. is a big part of her personality. I'm also betting drinking has lot to do with her "getting tired" of a job.) [/color]
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[color:"blue"](Plain and simple: She is an alcoholic. The drinking probably also contributed to her previous relationships breakups. Not much can be done for an alcoholic until the STOP ALL drinking. NOT one drop, not for any reason. An alcoholic WILL make your life "he11 on earth," as well as that of anyone else, including the new baby. This has a LOT to do with why she likes YOU to be taking care of the baby.)[/color]
[color:"blue"](Alcoholism)[/color]
[color:"blue"](Alcoholics are not hungry a lot of the time)[/color]
Advice: Deal with the alcoholism first. Nothing else will have any effect until that is first dealt with. It will be "he11," so if you want to try to help her and save your marriage to her, get thee to ALANON immediately for knowledge, help, and support in dealing with an alcoholic spouse.
Continue posting and reading here for knowledge and understanding OF affairs, and what you can do to improve yourself (Plan A) and to end the affairs and get a recommitment from her to working at making THIS marriage successful for both of your and the child who is now the innocent pawn in the behavioral problems of adults.
Last edited by Justuss; 11/13/07 09:44 PM.
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From your descriptions, your W is on a downward spiral. She is addicted to alcohol and addicted to, like you said, the "idea of an A". She needs some professional help.
This is crazy!! It is unbelievable!! Did you ever confront her on this?? If not then you are the king and president of the CONFLICT AVOIDENCE club. Other MBers are telling you not to be a doormat. I think it goes beyond being a doormat.
AND YOU DID, DIDN'T YOU!?
I do not see any light at the end of your tunnel, if you stay on this path, i.e."the path of least resistance".
I believe it is up to you to shake things up. File for the big D!! Kick her out of the house. Cancel her cell phone. Throw all the liquor away. Throw the computor out the window, or at least cancel the internet service.
If you can commit her, for her own good, then do it.
Plan B would be the best for you, that's for sure, but it is hard to plan B when she is living with you.
She is not going to change her direction (of self destruction) if there is no outside source that will block her onward charge.
Wish there was an easy answer for you. Stay strong and start standing up to her.
IMHO
kirk
Last edited by Justuss; 11/13/07 09:44 PM.
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I do not think plan A works on an ALCOHOLIC!! A Plan Aer becomes an enabler to an alcoholic.
TOTALLY HUNGOVER!! plus you state "I have taken care of her while sick"" it should be "while HUNGOVER""
Listen to FOREVERHERS. Concentrate on the alcoholism sickness first. The Yahoo personal adds probably stem from drunken imaginings.
kirk
Last edited by Justuss; 11/13/07 02:14 PM.
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Last edited by Justuss; 11/13/07 02:15 PM.
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I know this is very hard emotionally for you, so I'm not trying to "rub salt" in your wounds. But you do need to face the reality that your situation is not "MB Normal" because of the Alcohol addiction.
Think of it this way:
Alcoholism = 2000 pound Pink Elephant in your house.
Adultery = 800 pound Gorilla in your house.
Both are a problem but the elephant will have it's way with both the gorilla and you. If you stop the gorilla (unlikely, but let's assume you can), the CAUSE of the "biggest problem" is still there wreaking havoc and just waiting for the next time to "do whatever it wants to do."
You MUST get professional help. You MUST get yourself to Alanon, or something similar, to begin to understand what is going on with her alchoholism and what you may be able to do to help her and to protect you and the child.
"Plan B" won't work because the problem is the alcohol, not the marital infidelity. I'm not making light of the infidelity, because it IS serious for any marriage, but you can't solve that problem until the alcohol problem is solved first. And THAT won't happen until she is ready to face the fact that she IS an alcoholic and is ready to try to kick the habit. That usually requires her to "hit bottom" first, though. Suffice it to say that she has a history of "running" from problems and not facing them, probably because that would have meant that she would have to face her drinking problem first, and she loves to drink.
Last edited by Justuss; 11/13/07 09:45 PM.
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Last edited by Justuss; 11/13/07 02:15 PM.
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Your last sentence caught my eye. You say this had real potential because you have felt more love from her than from anyone??
I find this kind of backwards. Anybody else??
kirk
Last edited by Justuss; 11/13/07 02:17 PM.
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do yourself an immense favor and GO to an Alanon meeting.
So "diet" is the excuse du jour, eh?
As with her comments regarding counseling, she is in denial and will not face her problems.
You need to be "educated" in the ways and wiles of an alcoholic. There used to be some members who were very familiar with alcoholism, but they don't post much, if any, anymore. But Alanon is the expert for family members of alcoholics.
Please stop the denial and desire to find some other way to "fix" your marriage. She will jump off the "wagon" whenever she starts to feel the need to escape something and if you don't know what to look for, you will be caught short again.
Last edited by Justuss; 11/13/07 09:46 PM.
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You posted on my Mr. Romance Saga and asked me to look over your scenario.
The posters who have responded have far more experience with what you need to help yourself and then your wife overcome her addictions to alcohol and avoidance behaviors.
Most of what I have to share will not help if alcohol is still in control. Please take care of that first.
* Define your goals clearly. Write them down.
* Get educated(FH mentioned Alanon and there must be web sites for this.)
* Develop a support group (local church? IC? IC referrals?).
You must establish a solid foundation for you in order to be able to effectively help her. Take care of yourself.
Best wishes,
Ace
Last edited by Justuss; 11/13/07 09:47 PM.
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Last edited by Justuss; 11/13/07 02:20 PM.
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Last edited by Justuss; 11/13/07 02:21 PM.
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If you don't stand up and fight now, you are going to become numb to her actions.
Currently you have the desire to save your M. That will not always be the case.
What are your chances of success when neither you or your W care?
Last edited by Justuss; 11/13/07 09:47 PM.
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