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Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 94
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First I am not naive to things, but my husband got a new friend, a woman two weeks ago. His brother was in town and they entered a pool tournament, her and her friend played at the same table. He decided to be friends with her, call records show calls but not frequently or long. He didnt tell me about his friend.(I dont do well with over reacting, I think female friends are a threat). Her friend was after my Brother in law (also married), who was screaming when he found out what this woman was trying to do to us. She texted our phone about missing him while she was on vacation. I was in shock and at first he said he didnt know the number so I called her and she starts telling me that she didnt know he was married, saw his wedding band but thought he might be seperated, and I should ask him about who she was. He tells me about the pool game and how he was going to tell me she was a friend but didnt want me to start an arguement. I think he should hve told me, even though I would have yelled. I invite her to my home to straighten it out. She brings a letter he wrote thanking her for the bbq she invited him and my sons to (I was at work when the bbq happened). She says it is a "love" note, I read the entire thing and that isn't true at all, maybe she took the appreciation to that point but nothing clarified anything more then friends. She says if he tells her to her face to leave him alone she will. I asked her, you are facing his wife and would still chase him, you hardly know him, its been 2 weeks (they both have concurred the time frame and his brother was only here then so that I'm sure of). She likes married men I find out.. He comes outside to where we were talking and tells her he wants nothing to do with her, she took the friendship too far and to leave him alone. He has to work on things with his wife. She hugs me and says she is sorry she caused problems but she DID sleep with him on such and such day. I thanked her for her time and said goodbye, went inside. The day she says this thing happened my husband (and myself and kids) were home all day and night. So that is impossible. I called her and he picked up the other phone, she says yes we had sex, he says no and started arguing with her. She didnt say anything else but that she was done and would move on to the next married man (her and her friend seem to like the pursuit of unavailable men). I asked her why some of her stories didnt add up and she dosent have answers. I've caught lies in her story. I've seen this woman, she looks like you know what.., she made it quite clear she likes to get around. When I first asked my husband he said she wasn't his type(which is true), she is 15 years older then we are and nothing happened between them except they hung out WITH the kids and talked. I have done the tracing of calls, recorder, and gps and nothing shows that he did anything wrong.

I am still hurt.. mostly by the fact that he couldnt tell me she existed.I realize I over react about friends because THIS is what I fear, some people dont know the boundaries. What I dont understand is why she would make up these lies? And was it a start of something that I maybe caught in the bud? I know that we had some communication issues before this, and he says she was easy to talk to. Is that why? He has been trying to fix things, he apologized and was crying (never done by him in all the years I've known him). We have been using this site to rebuild our marriage and the only thing is we dont see a counselor. I dont think my husband would open up to a stranger on cue like that, I also dont want to waste the $ if we arent comfortable doing that.

He says he'd never cheat, he was hurt badly by his ex who cheated. Until now I have never had anything like this happen, he's been a good family guy. We've been married 6 years, and there hasn't been any issues except that we dont talk about things like we should. Our marriage has survived alot of hard times (death of my parents, death of our baby, etc) and I dont know if that is why we stopped talking alot

Guess I'm just looking for an outsiders opinion..


Me - 26 & Hubby - 27
In Love since 10/99
Married 6/01' - love our 2 sons ages 4 & 6
Problem: Communicating & Making Time for Our Marriage.
Status: Started Recovery June 11, 2007 -Our marriage is happier & stronger then ever - It's been a year and we are SUCCESSFUL!

Completely head over heels in love with my romantic hubby
Joined: Sep 2003
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"She hugs me and says she is sorry she caused problems but she DID sleep with him on such and such day."

Well, it sounds to me like she ISN'T sorry she is causing problems in your marriage. He needs to have no contact with her for any reason FOREVER.

And you have more problems. Your husband is apparently not telling women that he plays pool with that he is very MARRIED. That is a red flag. He is calling women behind your back, using the excuse that you will "start yelling" at him. How about he just doesn't do inappropriate things in the first place, instead of blaming you for your reaction?

He also went to the BBQ, dragging your kids along without your knowledge. And how often does he write "Thankyou" letters to other women that you don't know.

I suggest that the two of you get some good marriage counseling to work on the marriage, and HIS lack of boundaries. You may have dodged the bullet here, but I worry about the future.

Joined: Jul 2001
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Believer is SOOO right.

OW is not a credible source of information. But it is abundently clear your husband has problems with his boundries and what is acceptable for a married man with small children to do.

You definitely need counseling -- and I strongly suggest the book "his needs, her needs" because there is very likely an unmet need that allowed him to get pulled her direction.

You do belong here -- its the best place you could find!

Joined: May 2006
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I agree with all that has been said. Do not listen to OW. She cannot be trusted to say anything truthfull or anything that will help you. Your H must have no contact with her. You also should have no contact with her from now on.

Sure she was easy to talk to. She was looking to be whatever he needed as she is a predator. She does not come to you H with the depth of experience of children, death, burdens of every day life.

But your H is disclosing valuable information for you and for him regarding your relationship.

As I was told early on in my M recovery process, look at this event as a dark gift. It seems to be motivating both you and your H to take a close look at your M and to realize that the M and a R take work, it doesn't just happen. Much of the work is very fulfilling and fun--but the M takes both of you paying attention to it and feeding it.

If you are using this site and actually making changes in your M based on principals from this site. You will truly improve your M.

You are not over reacting about friends. You are right to feel sad that he did not tell you about her. He needs to make some changes in the way he tells you about his day. That is one of the things my H did after his EA. There should be no secrets in your M. Full disclosure really helps to build intimacy. Let your H take care of you and you take care of him. Use this site and your M will prosper.
Lake


Lake
BW-53
FWH-54
H had EA 3 weeks 06
Married 1977

N C 4-10-06
3 DSs
In Recovery
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 94
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Thank you Lake We've printed tons from here and are starting to use it (especially the 15 hours) and loving it.

We dont have contact with this woman (haven't since she came to my house to tell me these things). His brother contacted her to let her know he wasnt going to associate with her anymore either,which is when he claims she confesses she made it all up. Whether she did say it or not I dont care, I'm just glad she is GONE - but the lesson she taught me remains with me.


Me - 26 & Hubby - 27
In Love since 10/99
Married 6/01' - love our 2 sons ages 4 & 6
Problem: Communicating & Making Time for Our Marriage.
Status: Started Recovery June 11, 2007 -Our marriage is happier & stronger then ever - It's been a year and we are SUCCESSFUL!

Completely head over heels in love with my romantic hubby
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 3,834
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Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 3,834
MM:

I will answer your question:

"I'm Hoping I don't belong here"

You do. Maybe not for infidelity.

But to make your marriage stronger.

OW is crazy. Use this incident to address the weaknesses in your Marriage.

Remember all the information you got in the required Pre-Marriage classes, that you had to take with your fiance for three months before you married?

Taught you about all the dynamics in your M and how to relate with your soon to be Husband? And how much more difficult the M would get when the children came?

Oh. That's right.

There are no classes. We are supposed to go forward and be successful for 60 years in M.

With out any training.

You can get it here.

Read His Needs, Her Needs. (HNHN) Order it today. You will learn so much about how to deal with your H and about your M.

You will learn, with your H, about boundaries. What went wrong in the pool hall. And afterward.

So yes. You do belong here.

You can create a terrific marriage. You have been handed the golden opportunity to do it.

OK!

Good Luck!

LG

Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 94
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LG - thank you! I was confused when you were talking about the courses until I read that there are none. Here we just had to take a compatibility test at the church (some big help!)

I will order the book now, I cant wait to read it. The OW is nuts, I just feel bad for how many marriages she will cause havoc

Thanks for the encouragement. I love this site, it makes me believe that there ARE people who give marriage all they have and not just throw in the towel like so many are quick to advise


Me - 26 & Hubby - 27
In Love since 10/99
Married 6/01' - love our 2 sons ages 4 & 6
Problem: Communicating & Making Time for Our Marriage.
Status: Started Recovery June 11, 2007 -Our marriage is happier & stronger then ever - It's been a year and we are SUCCESSFUL!

Completely head over heels in love with my romantic hubby

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