My visit with the lawyer was quite emotional. I was so angry at myself for crying through the ENTIRE meeting. My H called shortly before I left to see the lawyer. In the conversation I mentioned that I was considering a separation for a while. His response was that he did not want that and would not agree to it. It slipped that he had checked into it a few years back and it is not what he wanted. SOOOO....A FEW YEARS BACK!!!! He's been this loving, wonderful H for 19 years, and behind my back has been checking into a separation. I recall a few years back he revamped the way his businesses were set up--NOW I know why! Last year he moved us from a home we built 5 years before and downsized to reduce debt. I thought we had this common goal to be debt free...blah, blah, blah. Now it is quite apparent he needed to make the move to afford to leave one day. The picture is becoming clearer, and clearer for me. And now when I look at him...I feel disgust. No love. Not even a "yeah, but he's a great dad." He is a liar, cheater, manipulator, con, fraud who is self-absorbed, self-centered, egotistical, deceitful, and just plain stupid to lose the best thing he ever had!

I realized today that he was a better man BECAUSE of me. He was respected, honored, loved, adored but my children and our friends BECAUSE of me. As he leaves our family, he is destroying his reputation and losing the respect of all those that he longs to be respected by. I also realized today, that I will be a better woman WITHOUT him. I deserve to be loved passionately by someone who longs to be with me forever. I am just totally amazed at how he could APPEAR to be the most wonderful husband by EVERYONE and really be this monster. He seemed so convicted in his beliefs, and leader in our family, church and community. Oh how ugly and frightening it is to know the truth. But the truth does set you free.

I am sad to lose what I believed I had, and sadder to realize I never had it to begin with.

I will fight for my children and for myself. He will provide as he has promised, or he will have the battle he never saw coming. He has continued to provide financially for us, but I do not trust him AT ALL and will do everything in my power to force him to provide to the full extent. Whatever money is hiding WILL come out!

I grieved for 2 solid days this week and there is nothing left for him. I grieve for my children though. My 8 yos is raging daily for hours. I will contact my counselor tomorrow to see about getting my son in right away. He has always been my most sensitive and insecure, and he shows it by pushing you away and being angry.

I have a question for all of you. Is there a way to keep the other woman from being around your children. My lawyer said that there really isn't anything I can do unless she is unfit or dangerous. I DON'T WANT HER NEAR MY CHILDREN FOR AS LONG AS I CAN MAKE THAT HAPPEN. Any advice? I am in Ohio.

The OW is dangerous but maybe not in the legal sense. Do a background check and see what you can find. Hire a PI if needed but try the on-line searches 1st.

L.

Changing my username. I have no hope OR DESIRE for recovery anymore. So, now I'll be sexymamabear

SMB,

Does that mean you are dead set on divorce? No question?

Jo

Absolutely. How can I be otherwise? He's had an affair off and on for at least 13 years with the same woman, who happens to be an x-GF from before me (I was his GF at age 18).

I wish it could be different. But this, I can never get over. I am sorry it isn't different for my kids, and for me. We all deserved sooooo much more. He didn't deserve us!

Orchid,

I can't get her last name. All I have is her first name (nickname) and her cell number, which I think she just changed. Intellius couldn't find any info and refunded my money. I am considering a PI and thought I would ask my lawyer.

2 months from D-day, right? Understandably, you seem pretty emotional. Any consideration to wait a bit before making such an important decision.

Don't get me wrong, you have a perfect justifiable right to divorce his cheatin [censored]. I'm just checking on your emotional-thermometer.

Jo

I was totally committed to this marriage from day 1. And when I thought there were three different women over 13 years, I was still committed. I loved him with my entire heart and soul and held nothing back.

But when I found out that he has been emotionally involved with the same woman basically my ENTIRE marriage, and off and on physically involved, I realized the man I love does not exsist. If you knew us, you would understand the depth of deception that has taken place. EVERYONE that knows us is blown away. He truly appeared to be totally in love with me. It seemed as if we were doing everything right. This is more than just he was tempted, or the circumstances were right, or I wasn't meeting his needs...this is a HUGE character deficit. I am actually frightened when I consider just how good he was at portraying his perfect image. I keep wondering what psychological disorder can allow someone to live like that for so many years.

I can't go back. As much as I wish I could. I spent 2 months thinking we were working on things. I went through the shock, the betrayal, the anger (and yeah, I know there's more to come), and I was still in love with him and wanted him and had even begun to feel forgiveness at times. I deserved SO MUCH MORE and cannot feel anything but disgust now toward him. If I could, I would prevent him from even seeing the kids. They love the man he portrayed and I fear his ability to manipulate, control, lie, deceive, and pretend with them. I don't fear for their safety, but at the same time, I realize I truly don't know what this man is capable of.

My grief right now is for never having the love I deserved and the love I thought I had and for the agony my children are experiencing. I am trying to process that what I thought was God's incredible blessing of a happy marriage and a healthy family, never was. This is my emotional struggle. My feelings for my husband are dead.

I admit I miss being hugged and kissed and physically loved, but even he cannot provide that for me now even if he wanted to. He could never make me feel that way again.

He said he was staying around for the kids and it was up to me when he left. I could never live with him again and believe I had his heart...and I could never live with a man that I knew couldn't (or wouldn't) give me his heart.

I am sorry for your pain. I hope you stick to your guns and NEVER give one moments consideration to taking this dirtbag back. He is going to get raped in court...your attorney will likely recommnend a forensic accountant to get to the bottom of any finances your H has been hiding.
I feel bad for your kids...but I strongly believe that all of your lives will be so much better without this type of deception. Frankly, the way your H has handled this... he deserves to have his head handed to him on a rusty platter.
Stay strong and determined.

MEDC

Thanks MEDC.

What is a forensic accountant??

an accountant that is trained to find the hidden dollars... very commonly used by the IRS and divorce attorneys.

If your children are seeing a counselor and the counselor feels that it is in the children's best interest not to be exposed to the OW, you may be able get something done legally.
I know that some Divorce Agreements have had stipulations that say no other relationships will be exposed to the children for X amount of time....

We are doing Plan D, and no looking back allowed! OK maybe just enough looking back to see my blind spots and to see just how deceptive he has been for years.

Plan B sounds so wonderful in the sense that there is no contact with the WH. Our family is involved in martial arts and we are at the school M, T, TH, and S. He is there, too, and struts around like Mr. Black Belt Know-It-All. I have full support from those at the school, but he is one of the instructors in his class, but acts like he is one of the instructors in my kids class, too (he doesn't even study their art).

And with 5 kids, I don't see how I can protect myself emotionally from him. Every time I hear his voice, I get messed up emotionally. Not like, "Oh, I wish we could be together again." Just that the pain comes rushing back.

He called last night to "tuck the kids in". We always prayed for them together and gave them hugs and kisses to tuck them in. I guess it is good for the kids to have him call, but IT AIN'T GOOD FOR ME!!! I feel the rage coming up when I hear him talking to them and when I see their sweet smiles at the sound of his voice. He doesn't deserve these wonderful kids. Then he starts talking about the great weekend he has planned with them---my first weekend without them. I hate him for making this my life. I didn't choose this, but I'm stuck with it because of him. Stuck with not having my children because he gets to take them on their "excursions" every other weekend. Stuck with not having them on certain holidays, too, I suppose. I cannot believe this!!!!

How do I stay sane through this? I just want to move far away and not have him around. (I won't, but part of me really wishes for it.) I have so much support around here for me and for my children that I know it is best to stay local--2 churches, 2 homeschool support groups, my parents, the karate school, and so many friends in our corner. It is just so hard accepting that this is now my reality.

Plan B will help with those feelings. Try it. Even if it is limited. Some plan B has boundaries due to special circumstances (i.e. kids, business, etc.).

take care,
L.

SMB,

I am so sorry that you are going through this. Me too. Has the OW left her husband? I wonder if she will when the rubber hits the road... Wouldn't that be the ultimate punishment for your H if she decides to stay with her H??

I know that it isn't any comfort now, but think of what their lives will be like if they do end up together. Your H will have the stress of supporting your children while likely living with hers. I don't know your H financial situation, but will he be able to keep her in the lifestyle that she might be accustomed to while also supporting another family? And for her, she is going to have to deal with the fact that there is another family of 5 suddenly in her life. Possibly 7 teenagers to deal with? Would destroy any woman if you ask me. I just don't see that siutation working out long term once the reality of living together daily hits them with a 2x4. Trust me, you will have the last laugh someday.

And you are a good person, so you will eventually find someone who will cherish you and your children. A friend of mine married a DW with 5 children, and they are so happy. He is wonderful. Didn't adopt her children, but helped raise them, is extremely close to them, they now have grandchildren that they dote on etc... They never had children of their own, but he says that hers are so wonderful that he didn't need anymore. They've been married at least 25 years, maybe more, and just bought a retirement home since the last kid moved out....

You will come out ahead, I know you will...

Orchid,

Can you give me an example of what that would look like?

I do not even acknowledge him when he is around at the karate school (and at the karate awards dinner we had Saturday night). To me, he is dead. I have nothing to say to him and cannot stand looking at him. I just want to claw his eyes out.

Now, when he picks up the kids, I guess I'll have to talk a little.

Thank you Knitgirl. I've been reading some of your story as well.

From my understanding, she is separated and close to divorce. I cringe at the thought that my kids will have her in their lives. It's bad enough that they have him in their lives. Two long-term liars, cheaters, deceivers, manipulators, who are both adult-children-of-alcoholics. My H's been sober since he was 17, but by these actions, who would believe it!!! I feel like he has destroyed my heart to the point that I can never have a healthy relationship.

A close friend keeps telling me that when the dust settles, God's going to bless my socks off with a man who actually deserves my devotion, commitment, and love. But that thought is beyond my comprehension. To actually TRUST after being married for 19 years (plus dating for 4) to a man who has been SO GOOD at deceiving me. How could I EVER believe any man????

In addition to a forensci accountant, once you find out the OW's name, you might also want to do a property search on her. If your WH is trying to hide assets, he may have invested cash in assets and put them in her name or another trusted person's name. I/m sure that a forensic accountant should be able to determine what money is missing, and if there is, that is likely what your WH did.

THIS is exactly why that relationship will NEVER last long term.

It will be hard to trust again, but going forward we will be more cautious and know what to look for. After 34 years of marriage, I may not look for anything, but you are still young and have a great future with or without a male companion....

(((((sexymamabear))))

Much too early to be thinking about trusting any man. Blind trust, which is what it sounds like you're are referring to, is gone forever. What can replace it is earned trust.

AS God has "earned" our trust and "proven" He is trustworthy in providing Christ for us while we were totally unworthy of any consideration on His part, so too will we place our trust in Him, in His promise of Romans 8:28,29, when the emotional onlslaught has passed.

Remember, Jesus KNOWS the emotional impact. This not some "esoteric" mumbo-jumbo of some "imaginary god." Jesus felt the extreme emotional impact in the Garden of Gethsemene, and God KNOWS how tough this time is on us.

Remember, too, as things calm down a little for you, that God has made a very practical promise to you as a believer, "I CAN do all things through him (Christ) who gives me (His omnipotent) strength." That is God's promise to YOU in Philippians 4:13. Hold onto it firmly as the seas of your life are currently raging.

God bless.