Mel,

I will work on OW's family this week and see what I can come up with.

As for counseling, it's only a $10 copay, I really want him to go, AND I really like my counselor. Also, I'm just really curious what he'll say while we are there. So I may indulge him with that and then just lay it on the line while I'm there.

if he goes to counseling with you...YOU control the session. Ask him the moment the session starts if he is willing to end all communication with her immediately... also ask for her name and phone number. If he refuses to end all commuication... right then and there, tell him to leave and go into a dark plan B or plan D. You show that no good sob that YOU are calling the shots right now and the time for his game playing is over and done...that he isn't fooling anyone for a moment longer.
That's how I would play it. Some people would call that ambushing him... but he already knows that you want contact ended immediately. I call it making a point.

Actually the whole thing might be a lie. He might be telling you that it is an old girlfriend to protect somebody else. I would definitely do some investigating.

Check out classmates.com, and look for someone with her first name. Try a GPS in his car. Are you sure it isn't someone he works with?

Oh no, my gut tells me it is his old GF. This is someone I have always had those gut feelings about. Now I know why.

There are only two women that he works with, and I am sure it is neither of them.

Can't do classmates because I don't know where she went to school. He and I went to school together and she was in another city.

I don't really have access to his car so I don't know how I would do a GPS even if I wanted to.

Hire a PI, SMB! He might even be able to find her with that cell phone # you have. Have him tail your H when you know they will be together.

If you are not living together and the car is not yours, you would be committing a crime by putting a GPS on his car. Do you really want that drama? Now... if I was so inclined, I would break the law in order to catch a cheater... but you better pick your battles carefully. This actually could be a low grade felony in your area... and would definitely be covered under stalker statutes.

If you do it... have someone buy the item for cash and send any reports to an anonymous email account. Just to be safe.

A PI is the way to go. But again... ask yourself is he worth this much effort? Only YOU can answer that. Accepting him back is one thing... fighting for a man that has cheated and stole 13 years from you is quite another.

Only you can answer if he is truly worth all this drama.

I don't see the confrantation at the counslor's office as an ambush-- its a preemptive strike. I'm a very big advocate for a scorched earth policy and if you need to do this (move to Plan B/D), a place where you feel safe and empowered will be particularly helpful to you.

Reconciliation with serial adulterers is extremely difficult. I can completely empathize with looking at your children and knoing you have to know in your heart that you did everything YOU could do before leaving. My kids were the reason (excuse?) I used to stick arund a little longer. However, they are also now the reason I refuse to deal with another infidelity. I'm not going to allow an unstable person in my home.

Although your WH seems to have had just one OW (which I highly doubt, sorry), he still classifies, in my mind, as a serial adulterer. Its a huge character flaw and, to be honest, a recovery with a serial offender absolutely requires that the offender be sincere in wanting to change. You are definately facing an uphill battle. I am not saying it can't be done (we're in year 4 of recovery), but its TOUGH.

Watch his actions, don't listen to his words. I have a bad feeling about where your WH's head is at right now. I just can't stand fence sitters. They infuriate me!

While doing your Plan A for the next couple weeks, really consider your wishes and abilities in this.

Morning Update:

Very restless night once I finally went to bed. This king size bed is huge when my little body is the only thing in it. So life goes...

My son works with H during the summers. H sent check home w/ son since he is no longer direct depositing. He sent $100 more than his direct deposit was. He said that was the amount he would be sending. Don't really know why?? Guilt offering maybe.

I sent with my son this morning SAA wrapped in a bag to give to his dad. I included a note that I hope he will take time to read some, especially Ch. 5 (how to end an affair). Also asked him to keep in touch this week. No ILUs, just signed: BS.

Just found SAA laying on the table...son forgot to take it.

Well, maybe he'll come home for lunch and can take it then.

Maybe it was providential that son 'forgot' SAA. Something tells me it's too soon to start 'pushing' solutions on someone not yet totally seeking them. JMHO, but open to being wrong.

I am praying for you SMB and I know I can't go wrong in that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Ace

Did you hire a PI, SMB? That would be the MOST EFFECTIVE step you could take right now. Getting her info could be a magic bullet against this affair.

Here is my 2 cents from a FWS POV.

If you give your H the book before he is ready to read it, it won't do any good. I felt forced to read a certain book by my H right after d-day. I went into the book with a closed mind and never made it past page 56. IMO, I wouldn't ask him to read it until he shows signs he is really ready to end it.

Is there anyone at his work who may know OW's name? I'm not sure that's the route to take, but you did say she is a customer. He may think he is hiding the A from everyone at work, but I would bet people know who it is and her name.

LC

LC,

Thank you for your FWS view!

I was hoping he would read the ending an affair chapter and END IT! I am so afraid he's going to spend this week hangin' with her instead of "time alone to sort things out."

I know what you're all going to say...OF COURSE HE HANGIN' WITH HER THIS WEEK.

Mel,

I am working a couple different options right now that I will post about later...once it's done. (It is possible he could be lurking here. I did suggest he do some reading and he said he would--but there we go again with what he said--we know words mean diddly).

SMB,

I just had another thought about his, did you ask your son how he would feel about being the "delivery person"? Even if he didn't know what was in the bag, he may still feel uncomfortable. He may not tell you because he won't want to add to your pain.

MB veterans, any thoughts on involving her son even in something minor like this?

LC

LC, it is not a problem for her son to deliver packages between them. I do think it might be troublesome to send that book because it comes across as an attempt to "educate" him, which just pushes him away. Harley recommends leaving the book laying around and just letting the WS pick it up if he is interested.

OK, I'll forget the book.

I'm trying not to use my son to "give messages", but I thought the package would be OK.

It is always a mistake to try to educate the WS. Like Mel says, you could leave it lying around (in the bathroom?), but it won't work if hubby isn't in the home.

He might be lurking, but that would be unusual. I told my ex all about MB. He read a little bit here while I was reading, but has never come back in 4 years. The waywards aren't interested in how to end their affair. Maybe if the Harley's had a section on how to continue the affair they might read here. LOL.

Even if he is lurking I would imagine it would be like reading a foreign language. When actively in an A, deep in fog I would think nothing here would make sense.

LC