I have that effect on many people. I am sorry that I come across so bluntly at a time when you might not be ready to hear it.
It is difficult when you are in the middle of things to see the whole picture. I once was where you are now at and I thank God for the people on this site that were very willing to call a spade a spade. They helped me more than I can express. Others here have the soft approach covered pretty well...so I usually don't mince words...but I always care.

I am sorry for your pain...even though divorce is not the goal of this site or of a marriage...sometimes, it is the best thing. Unless your H does a 180, it will be the best thing for your family...living through this stuff year after year is very taxing. And bottom line is...you do not deserve it.

Yu asked what discipline I study. Krav Maga...very unlike what you do I am certain.

I am sure though that when you bring the latest concerns to your instructors that they will speak with a more unified voice than they have in the past.

I wish you and your children peace and happiness.

Ace,

I am so fortunate to have the support system I do. I am SURROUNDED by people who love my family and support me in whatever way I need to proceed. I exposed to most everyone when we separated the first time and were heading to divorce. It seemed best to let people know, since it wasn't like we were trying to work it out.

I am going to think through a plan this next week or two. I want to get Love Must be Tough. I will call my lawyer again to discuss visitation and finances.

I think this second round of shock is wearing off. I ordered pizza for the kids last night, and I was able to eat again. Sleep is going OK. We will start homeschooling next week and I have the kids involved in some new activities to keep us busy.

Counseling went well last night. I had cried most of the day and while I was at counseling. But when I left, I felt a little bit of peace. C reminded me that H is in a spiritual battle. He said the more I can keep my equilibrium and level-headedness, the better. He said if I am emotional I can be a distraction H can focus on to tune God out. That made a lot of sense to me. I think I need to practice some of that reverse babble.

IF he ever has that radical surgery, PLEASE, PLEASE remind me to insist on these two things, MEDC. Even if you have to go back and get this post and quote my words for me.

If he ever agreed to those, I would know it was for real.

SMB,

One thing to keep in mind is that your H is not any more horrible than any other WS.

They are all horrible when they are a WS.

We’re talking lying, cheating, stealing, manipulative, dishonorable, abusive, self indulgence on a baffling scale that shocks everyone.

But there is always hope.

And let me tell you from experience that quitting is easy.

Fighting for your M is the high road!

As long as your H isn’t doing something that is physically abusive to you and the children then he still has the potential to be a good H in the future and is someone that you can still be hopeful of.

Stay with the martial arts. It’s very good for you; in ways that are more than physically beneficial.

Any decent Aikidoka would frown at your H’s choices. I would refuse to Uke for him if I had knowledge of his A. There is a social aspect to most martial arts. They aren’t just robots training on the mat.

Plan B, lets you be in charge of you and your emotions. It puts your train’s engine back under the control of a trusted engineer; yourself.

It gives Mr. Headupownass a chance to go work through his own problems. Alone. He only damages his own soul when he is ejected from your life like that.

I will humbly disagree with Plank here. That is not easy for me to do since I respect him so much. But I have seen WS that are very different in my time here. I also do not agree that there is always hope. Usually, yes...always, no. Yes, they are all horrible when they are WS....no doubt. But there are degrees of horrible...not a cookie cutter in the least.
There is nothing dishonorable about letting go of an abusive partner. Taking the high road and letting years slip away is not always the samrt thing to do. IMHO, sometimes taking the high road means leaving the trailer full of crapp behind.
I am not suggesting that there is no hope with your H...there may be. But please keep your eyes and ears open and recognize what you are truly fighting for. Some WS are worth the effort...other simply are not. SMB, only you can decide this for yourself....but make sure that your WH shows you the care and respect that you deserve before you let a man that would do these things back into your lives again.
Plan B is a great option for you right now...very, very dark. Don't let this man take anything else from you.

Well, just got back from a morning at the dojo (karate school). Kids had weapons testing and H sat on the panel of judges. I wasn't really expecting him there since he told me yesterday that he was going up to his dad's cottage for the night to pick up some things for his new place (and he was staying the night there). I'm not really that stupid. My guess is, he and OW spent the night together. I smelled perfume on his shirt one day this week and one day last week. Could have been his mom or sister, but he lost the privilege of benefit of the doubt. From now on, when in doubt I will assume the worst, until PROVEN otherwise.

It is a weird calm today. I am looking forward to him being gone. I know now that this is not about me or my marriage. My H is a confused, messed up man who, because he has been sober for over 20 years, thinks he's all fixed and everyone in the world but him is co-dependent. In fact, he considers any sign of love or sacrifice because of love as co-dependency. I really don't need that anymore.

I can't imagine him here any longer. I am changed. He is changed. And I want something better. Can he become better? Only if he is willing. I have had at least 5 people who know him and have talked with him tell me that he is in denial about all the effects of this and is full of self-entitlement and selfishness. I don't believe that will change for a long time, if ever. I think he will pursue this divorce aggressively. Boy, is he going to have a shock next week when my lawyer contacts him. I am going to have a temporary separation document written that is VERY, VERY descriptive about when he has the kids so that our paths will cross as little as possible. I will sit down with our schedule this week and hopefully find ways to eliminate ANY path crossing. I want my financial support in writing right now and I want him to hire the work out for the house.

Seeing him this morning, I realized that I MUST get things in order. He can't just take my kids whenever he feels like it. Boy, do I now understand what Plan B is all about and why it is needed.

This afternoon while I was gone, H moved his clothes and a few other things. I am really feeling a peace about this today and tonight, like I am glad he is outta here. I feel like I am going to have a good life without him.

Sure, this is probably a temporary state of mind; but I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts. He has hurt me so much that I think I am really done.

I feel like I'm in the calm space of the eye of a storm. You know, where all around it is raging, but right where you are, there is quiet...an eerie quiet. A quiet where you know that soon the storm will move and you will be crashed with monster waves and wind, but that right now, there is nothing but calm.

I think it's time to fill my new extra closet and empty dresser with my stuff. Boy do I have a lot more room. When H left the first time, I left it all empty.

SMB,
I have no advice at this point. The experts have told you like it is. And it seems that you feel it too. I'm sorry you had to go through this false recovery. My heart goes out to you.

These A's are truly about the WS.

So fill that closet up and hunker down in a very dark plan B.

And of course....keep posting.

I am praying for you, SMB. You are on the right path. If you will get all your legal issues in order FIRST, we can discuss EXPOSURE and then Plan B. I think, strategically, 2 weeks would be a good time to go DARK. By then, some of the novelty will have worn off and reality will begin setting in for him. He will be missing his home life.

In the meantime, I would not allow him to expose your kids to his affair and TELL HIM THIS. Tell him under no circumstances are the kids to ever be around his adultery partner because she is not a FIT ADULT. [use the term "adultery partner"] Express to him that the kids need to be protected from his adultery.

The reason this is important is because a wayward will use the kids to normalize their affair and get the kids adjusted to the OP. It makes the affair much easier if they can bring the kids around the OP and gives the affair a false air of respectibility. This is very morally confusing to children.

Telling him this also sends the message that he will have to keep this ho under wraps, that she is not decent enough to consort with children, etc.

Protect those kids from his affair at ALL COSTS, SMB.


Have your lawyer do all of this. Tell him you want him to be the MEANEST SOB in the county and to SQUEEZE the hale out of your H. Don't negotiate anything with your H DIRECTLY, have your lawyer rip his NADS OUT. Your H is under the illusion that abandoning his family for his paramour will be EASY; your lawyer needs to DISABUSE him of this notion.

He needs to name adultery as the reason for the abandonment and even name the OW in the papers in some way. Perhaps he can have her called as a witness as others have done here. This will be a much needed wake up call for your fogged out H.

And when your lawyer does this and your H calls up angry [if it happens before Plan B] just say "oh my gosh, i didn't realize he would be so brutal. I just leave all that boring legal stuff to him"] In other words, let the lawyer be the BULLDOG instead of you. But your lawyer needs to be meaner than a junkyard dog, SMB. Those are the kind of conseqences it will take to RUIN THIS AFFAIR, so do not go easy on him!

And lastly, in the next 2 weeks, focus on the best PLAN A you can muster. Be calm, rational, inviting, and attractive. Your behavior in the next 2 weeks will be the last thing on his mind before you go dark. You want it to be pleasant so he will have something to miss when his affair crumbles.

And most of all, remember this, SMB:

I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me. Philippians 4:13

Does this matter if I live in a no fault state?

Mel you never fail to amaze me with your words of wisdom.LOL

Great plan.

I don't know so I would check with your attorney and let him know that you want to make this as messy and difficult as possible. Ask him if your state has any legal action you can take against the OW, such as "alienation of affection" suits.

Many attorneys only want to facilitate an amicable divorce, SMB. YOU DO NOT WANT THIS. Because you do not want a divorce. You want to drag this out and make it as difficult as possible for your H. So, your goals may be different than your attorneys, so make sure he understands your goal, and is willing to comply. Remember, he works FOR YOU.

You also do not want to ever agree to any mediation schemes, which only serve to faciliatate a divorce in the easiest possible manner. Here is what Dr. Harley says about that:

thanks Michele, glad you are here! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I was under the wrong impression. From doing a search for my state laws, it appears that a dissolution is no fault, but a divorce can be no fault or fault. I'll keep reading.

Well, you want to file for adultery and abandonment,SMB, if you can, naming the OW. Try and get her called in for a witness to testify under oath about her adultery with your H.

In other words, LOOK for creative ways to cause as much conflict in the affair as you can. Your enemy is not your husband, but the AFFAIR, so you must be clever and strategic in your fight.

I would also consider paying her a little visit and saying something similar to what Dr.Harley advised another BS:


You could also inform her that she would never be allowed to be darken the doorstep of your inlaws. She would never be accepted because of the adultery. That will cause her to question the reality of a future with your H.

Mel... I couldn't have said it any better myself....

ah...but that is assuming that a man that has to come get his clothes when his wife isn't there actually has nads to begin with. He sounds like a coward and a fool and frankly not at all worthy of a real woman.

He was coming whether I was there or not. I chose to find something better to do.

gotcha.

I didn't finish my post...I am so tired.

I also wanted to say, but yeah, you're right...not worthy of a real woman.

I'm going to bed, all. Thanks for continuing to reply to me. What an incredible journey I have found myself on.

I am back to wondering how I will face every other weekend without my children....just because he gets the option of leaving.

Good morning all,

I continue to feel the calm peace I had yesterday. We will head to church late this morning, then travel about 45 minutes to pick up daughter from sleep over, then home for awhile, then out to a bonfire with good, supportive friends.

H will probably be here to work on remodeling. He said he'd be here Sun. morning. I may find something else to fill in the gap this afternoon to avoid seeing him...maybe grocery shopping after picking up daughter.

Melody,

I saw on someone else's post, a link to Frank Music's site. I went there and sent an email asking for help. In June, I exposed to everyone relavant in H's life, but have not been able to locate OW's H. I have her home address, phone, and cell phone. I found their house for sale online (as H said they're awaiting the sale of their home). I did intellius and have his name, but have not been able to find a number for where he is now living. I called several numbers listed on my intellius report with people of his name, but none of them were the right one.

The only exposure I have left is on OW's side.