DO THE MB PLANS if you want to RECOVER your marriage...

You certainly do need to tell him that you know about the continued contact but without LOVEBUSTING...and not until you have ALL THE INFO that you need...

The HARLEYS would not recommend PLAN FU..that is not part of the MB PROGRAM WHATSOEVER....

I understand what you are going through SMB. I have to see my WH EVERYDAY practically with the full knowledge that he is actively "seeing" the OW and lying to me half the time.

It's easier to lash out at him than to maintain control, but the only person you hurt is yourself when you do. I've found that by venting here, but being calm around my WH is much better for me in the long run. I see my WH as someone who is truly messed up mentally. He is making such poor decisions that it's easier to feel sorry for him than to be angry around him.

I don't let him or his comments get to me as much as I did and I find that I'm not as angry now in his presence as I was at first.

If you need to, take a friend with you to the soccer game or start a conversation with the person next to you..anything to take your focus off your WH. If he sees you enjoying yourself it might make him wonder what is going on with you. I know that when I'm in a good mood around my WH, he tends to be almost jealous of my happiness. It's strange but true.

I BELIEVE IN MARRIAGE, SEXY...

If you want your MARRIAGE, working the PLANS is your BEST STRATEGY...

This is all about whether or not you LOVE your H..

That's why I went through the FALSE RECOVERIES..cause I LOVED MY H..and was WILLING TO FIGHT FOR HIM....

SMB,
So sorry you have to have that fact staring you in the face, however it happened. But the way he was acting all along during your false recovery was a clear indicator that he was still involved and lying to you. So now you know without a doubt you are dealing with a full blown WS. He truly acts the part.

First try to maintain some clarity. Discuss all of this with your lawyer. Personally I would get his books checked if at all possible. He may have $$$ that you are not aware of.

What about the house renovations? Are they to a point where the rest can be hired out? If so, it sounds to me like a Plan B letter will be in order. I would still remain calm and matter-of-fact. We don't want the last couple of weeks in Plan A that you have been doing to go to waste. In the letter you can state that you have proof that he is still involved, how this hurts you deeply, and what would be required of him to return to your M.....NOW I KNOW YOU SAY THAT YOU ARE DONE....remember don't burn those bridges in this state of mind. Then you go as dark as you can...pitch black.

I would not contact OW. SHE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT YOU OR YOUR M. Anything that spews(sp?) from her mouth will be lies and hurtful words. DON'T GO THERE!!!! By your contacting her, she'll feel acknowledged, important, part of your life. She's not. But you do need to contact OWH.

What do you know about him? Anything?

My advice? Listen to Mimi. She knows that Tzu guy.

Listen to Michele, too...all those here for you, on your thread.

There's personal recovery and marital recovery.

First act is to expose the A. All the way. Hiring a PI so you can know and inform OWH of the truth would be money well spent. You acting to your code...not based on WH's choices.

Focus is difficult and the huge pain of this is real...we hear you. We remember.

You can choose to divorce...if what you are saying you really want WH to suffer, to take every penny you can get from him...that is your right, you know. You can choose that. He can't make you choose that.

Venting is something necessary, I think, at times. Know when you're venting and when you're making choices from your emotions. After all, that's what WH does/did which seared you inside...he chases after false feelings and acts from them.

You want reality, I think. You want the real stuff. Make your choices from your beliefs (I no longer want to be married to WH or to H no matter what he does or does not do).

Orchid had a lot of false recoveries, Mimi, AmIOK, Chrysalis, Acey...all of them. You're not alone. His actions say NOTHING about you, 'k?

You choose.

LA

P.S. What about re-exposing with every contact? So you tell FIL and the rest of his family..."Yes, your son is still choosing to continue his A." Calm, respectful (telling the truth is an act of respect). Get on exposure to OW's BH right away, though, 'k? Seriously.

you mentioned Amiok...plan FU worked wonders for her.

I think Mimi is right...so long as SMB is willing to go through this time and again. I just don't get that impression.

SMB...if you truly want recovery AND you are willing to put up with continued contact...follow Mimi's advice...it is sound.

MEDC:

I bet you didn't know that I did SEVERAL PLAN FUs..in fact, embarassed to say, even got into a PHYSICAL FIGHT with my H after DD#WHATEVER...

MY PLAN FUs were GREAT EMOTIONAL RELEASES...RAGES used to be my middle name...my H was REAL FAMILIAR with them..so PLAN FU was more of the same for him...didn't work...

GAINING HIS RESPECT through STRATEGIZING..CALM ASSERTIVENESS...working the plans...is what worked for me....

But..YES, it was HARD AS you know what..not for everybody...YOUR CHOICE, SEXYMAMABEAR....

Today..I can say that TODAY, I'm HAPPIER THAN EVER..but 50% of it is the PERSONAL RECOVERY as LA speaks about... which included learning HOW TO CONTROL MY EMOTIONS...

Sexymama, you first have to make a decision. Do you want a chance to recover your marriage?

AFTER you make that choice, follow a plan.

I have been through 2 false recoveries. I am now in recovery. Once I settled into the MB program, I saw results. Once I settled into Plan B, I was able to work toward personal recovery, and gain strength for, what now, is a lot of growth and work.

I, personally, have gotten TONS of help from Mimi. If you want to do the MB program, Mimi's the lady to listen to.

Once you make a decision, sit on it for a while, make sure it is what you want, ABSOLUTELY sure. Never go into a decision basing it SOLELY on emotion.

We all know the pain and rage that you are living with. We have all been through this, and advise you because we care.

Hopefully, you did not rush into marriage, and you will not hasten it's death. Take some time, THINK.

WHAT HAS CHANGED, SMB?? I told you he was in contact. You KNEW THIS! Isn't the strategy to get a legal seperation to protect yourself, expose the affair and then go into PLAN B?

NOTHING HAS CHANGED! Don't let your emotions take over. STICK WITH THE PLAN!

Stick to the plan as laid out and MAKE NO DECISIONS ABOUT YOUR MARRIAGE IN THIS STATE OF MIND, SMB.

Thank you all so much for being here when I called out to you. I was in such great need.

I needed to vent.
I needed to be reminded that I still have choices.
I needed to be reminded that I have the right to Plan FU.
I needed to be reminded that I already knew they were still involved.
I needed to say what I was feeling and know that you would understand.

I have survived the soccer field. He did not sit near me. My stepmom in law sat with me, and FIL sat with H.

I had already resolved to go Plan B. I will keep with that, knowing that Plan D (FU) is still an option later.

Thank you all again. What a refuge it is here.

MUCH BETTER!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

sexy,

I've just perused some of this thread.

I just wanted to jump in here to say all hope is NOT lost.

God raised up my marriage from the ashes. It was completely dead.

Mr. RLT did a lot of the same stuff your WS is doing.

In a way you should be glad because it is all coming to a head now. You don't have to dance this dance forever.

But there is hope. I truly believe that there is hope for your family.

I will pray for you tonight.

RLT--

RLT,

Thank you. It is so hard to see that this is possible. I look at him and think, "The chances of him coming home are so slim." Then I think, "The chances of me wanting him when/if he ever gets to that point, are even slimmer."

I know in my head all things are possible...but my heart is having a hard time believing it.

Same place as you with regard to pessimism...Harley told me Howard Hughes, in the face of ridicule and scorn, could envision his planes..his IS ...but had idea how to make it happen. A plan had to be developed to attempt to find his way to his goal...experimentation led to success often. I suppose you are building your airplane...no guarantees for flight, I suppose..which is the hardest thing...I am trying to sell the airplane to my BS...blueprints in hand...BS will not get on board with the idea....Now..I sit on the eve of a final divorce trial...I don't know what to think or do...Harley said continue to try....no matter what....I suppose the trick for us is to figure out how to sustain a Plan A perspective with little to go on....I am not sure...but I am very, very sad with regard to this loss...sorry for role in it...willing to try and build our airplane.....but I need a mechanic...and my BS won't join now....a sorry situation for us, huh? Same issue..different side of the fence....ironic

blackntwrk,

I am so sorry you are facing your divorce trial today. I will pray for you, and for a spark in BS.

I would give anything to have my WH bring his heart back to our family. But the man he is right now, I cannot stand him. I miss my H.

And yes, the hardest part is no guarantees for flight.

SMB,

Hang on. You took a hit and you are still rolling with the plan. Good girl!


That's right. WH is a stranger. You do not know him. He is a man who is selfish, entitled, thoughtless and ADDICTED! He is not your H. You don't want WH in any shape or form.

But now....if H walks through the door and unconditionally surrenders. Total surrender...looks you in the eye....commits to "whatever it takes"...now that's the man you might give a chance to...that's the one that might touch a soft, protected spot in your heart. That's the one you want to save your love for.

Do the best plan A that you have left in you, get your ducks in a row and Plan B soon.

I would never want WH back, either. He was a cruel, selfish horse's a$$ to me and to his children.

Thankfully, he is not that person now.

Let God have him for awhile, SMB. He'll do the work.

Met with lawyer yesterday. He said H's lawyer told him it was very important to H that I understand that this (dissolution) has nothing to do with the woman he WAS seeing. I said, "yeah, right," and pulled out the proof I have that they are still involved and gave it to lawyer. Lawyer said, "It always has to do with OW."

I told Lawyer I wanted to do separation and then do nothing else. I told him I wanted to limit contact with H as much as possible. I explained that I am hoping to take our time and that A will fall apart (he agreed that it probably would) and H will want to come home.

He said in our state, separation is the same process as dissolution, except the the end result. He suggested we do nothing. H continues to support family, continues to remodel home, and is reasonable with visitation. He basically, without calling it that, suggested Plan Aing H. He said, "your H is weighing life being free and with OW, versus life with responsibility of 5 kids and wife. He suggested it be appealing and I keep the door open.

Lawyer stated that if we try a legal separation, H will probably not agree and immediately file for dissolution. We do not want that to happen yet (don't want to explain strategy here). I do agree that H would probably handle it that way.

I told lawyer I will not do dissolution. I will not make that kind of statement about my commitment to our marriage. Also, if it truly heads there, I know H will not be forthcoming enough about money hidden; so we would need to get digging anyway.

So when I got home, I emailed H about some things and he called back. We had a very polite conversation and even laughed a little.

I don't know....Plan B sounds so wonderful to me. But would Plan A have more impact right now, while H gets to play house every other weekend with OW???

Oh, by the way, lawyer gave me his PI's number. So more documentation and exposure to OWH will soon be ready. This, will hopefully, put some discomfort into the A, unless of course he alreadys knows. Maybe he has some pieces of this puzzle that can help me.

SMB,


If you went dark right now, what do you think your H would remember?

Would he see you as the beacon of light showing him the way home? Showing him that there could be a future?

Or would he see you as the angry betrayed wife? Someone who will never forgive or forget?

I know it's hard to guess, but if you had one, what would it be?....You obviously want him to see the first one. The one that gives you the best chance of reconciliation (a decision you can make when the time comes).

Plan A is for a set time period for a reason. I think you get all that. You plan A the best you can, but not so long that you start to lose all love for him. Then when your heart and mind are in sync, and providing your i's are dotted and your t's are crossed...Plan B.

I think Plan Aing right now would be a good thing if you can. Only you know what you can do (you have showed great strength in all of this BTW). It would have the most impact. But I think when you do go to Plan B, you will need to get a LS. I doubt your WH will be amicable when you go dark. Just MHO.

How long will the remodelling take?