How do you know her friends? Just curious.

Believer. I found her Hi5 web page. It is the same as Myspace. She had written on there who her best friends were. Also, a few of them were in my WH's cell phone that I kept when he left.

I'm very, very sneaky. Still waiting for the fallout.

Good job. If he is angry, just tell him that you will do what it takes to save your marriage. Repeat as necessary.

What believer said. But make sure you say it without LBs. Emotionally prepare yourself so you won't AO, SD, or DJ. Calm and firm. Don't take any bait. Surprise him by not falling apart.

I still haven't received a call from WH. It is so difficult to not try to call him. I feel so alone. Also, most of my support system (my mom and SIL) are telling me to just leave him because he is making no effort for the marriage. I try to explain to them that right now he probably won't. They ask me why do I make myself suffer. I tell them that we have been married too long to just give up.

I don't want to give up. We have had a good marriage and a happy life together. Things will be better for me soon. At the new base and house I will have a lot to do and less time to think about this. I just wish I could fast forward through the pain.

I am also stressed out because if my house doesn't get rented by Aug, I may have to foreclose on it. I can not afford to pay the bills, rent, and a mortgage. But I guess that is my problem now, since he took out student loans he doesn't have to rely on me for his financial support.

Sorry for venting, I just feel like I don't have anyone to talk to that understands right now.

Most BS's families tell them to leave the loser. They just don't want you to be hurt more, and they don't understand the MB program.

Hopefully your house will rent. Do the best you can. I'm sorry he isn't helping at all, but they usually don't.

Thanks Believer.

The main thing is to do what you can to protect yourself financially, and give it time. I know how hard it is, and time seems to drag.

Hopefully your new work place and home will keep you busy and your mind off of things.

I cleaned the house spotless, painted, organized, rearranged, started a garden, detailed the car, learned to SCUBA dive, did volunteer work, started a business, exercised, and went out with any of my friends, neighbors, or workmates who would go places.

It helped raise my self esteem out of the toilet and gave me something to do besides obsessing about the affair.

Well tonight will be the 5th night he hasn't called me. The sister of the OW emailed me back. I guess over there nobody cares when their friends and families ruin other poeple's lives.

On a good note, the people at my new base seem pretty nice and outgoing.

I don't know how long I can hold out from calling him. I hate this part. Thanks for the support everybody!

Hang in the, affairs always end. Get busy with your new base, and try to put hubby on the back burner. Be sure to make some new friends and get involved.

Hi Trisha,

Has he called you yet? I don't know, it's just my opinion, but you need to find some way of connecting if he doesn't call - you need to be showing him that you've eliminated lovebusters and you need to make deposits into his lovebank, you can't do that if there's no contact between you and him.

If he still hasn't called, is there some natural "deadline" like the need to discuss his next visit, assuming he doesn't cancel? Is there a mutual friend that is near him, who can tell you what's going on with him?

Since you are LD, at some point if he doesn't call, you have to find some way or other of connecting - calling, visiting, something. Maybe set a deadline for yourself, and if he doesn't call by that time you will do something - communicate via a mutual friend, call him yourself, or - would this be at all possible - visit him?

Hello Jayne421,
WH has not called me yet. It has been a week now. I was debating with myself about calling him, but didn't know if I should. I thought maybe if he hasn't called by Sunday, I will call him. I want to talk to him, but he probably doesn't want to talk to me, especially after I emailed OW's friends. I don't know if I should wait him out or try to call.

I just feel like I am playing some game with him, but only he has the rules and I am just guessing at what it is that I am supposed to do.

There is one thing that I do want to look into, if he doesn't come back here and help me with the house and it goes into foreclosure, I wonder if he will still be able to get student loans. They must check his credit for that, right? Maybe that would be some motivation to help me with the mortgage if the house doesn't rent. I shouldn't be the only one to suffer.

Is the house in both your names?

Are you staying on a base in your new place? Is housing provided?

What's the longest ya'll have gone without calling before? Is this unusual for him to go this long?

The house is in both of our names, so both of our credits would be ruined.

I am staying off base here. Housing is very limited.

This is about the longest we have gone without calling. Especially lately. Not only that but he knew we were going to have a phone movie "date" last Friday when he didn't call me.

I would talk to the folks that hold the mortgage on the house. Also check with Navy Relief, or whatever your branch has. Often they will give a grant to help out.

I have talked to the mortgage company. And the military basically says it is my problem, oh, by the way, sign here for your Article 15 for financial irresponsibility. Hopefully it will not come to that. Maybe WH will step up and be a man and take care of his responsibilities like I have been taking care of him for 2.5 years. There are two other people that I worked with at my last base that are moving to the new base that can not sell or rent their houses either and we have all been looking at anything and everything we can do to avoid foreclosure, but to no avail. I guess only time will tell.

trisha,

I know you're strapped for cash, but even one session with the Harleys would be worth the money. My guess is that from this distance and under these circumstances, a Plan A is probably not going to be very effective. Still....you should do your best to complete it so that you can take the next necessary steps if it doesn't work.

If you call, he can just avoid you. I'm thinking an email might be harder for him to avoid....it will just sit there until he opens it....and his curiousity may get the better of him. But don't call him.....he needs to know that you are NOT desperate enough to chase a man who is this disrespectful. Make it hard for him to think of you as pathetic....because if you can keep your emotions together....it will highlight the fact that HE'S the one who's created this chaos.

Make sure that whatever you write to him isn't weepy or critical. It may be one of the few ways you'll be able to express the things you need to for your Plan A. I say this because I sense that you're probably going to have to move to Plan B pretty soon, and I'd like you to have the opportunity to let him know that your motives are all about saving your marriage, and that you're addressing the things you have control over.

If you don't have an attorney.....I think you need to get one. You don't want to end up paying HIM spousal support!! And it could happen. It's time to get all your ducks in a row and prepare yourself for a possible Plan B.

At this point, he calls all the shots. You feel powerless and confused. Plan B will give you back your power....because YOU will decide if and when you want to speak to him. You will take charge of your life, rather than waiting waiting waiting for him to show his love for you again.

Do you have any equity in the house? Can you refinance it?

Everything star*fish just said is absolutely spot-on right. (But of course you don't need my endorsement!) You have to have some way to communicate to him, and email is perfect. How about letting us read what you write before you send it?

And do speak to an attorney. And do try to speak to the Harleys if you can.

I don't think that there is any point in emailing him, he won't write back. Besides, what would I write? How I am doing, he obviously doesn't care about that. And I don't plan on divorcing him anytime soon. I will wait until he comes back to the states and is a doctor, then he will be making more money than me (even if I have to quit my job) and I will make sure to get alimony. I am not going to be the one to pay him spousal support after he cheated on me and took advantage of me.

About the house, I am pretty much screwed. I have no equity because we took a home equity loan last Nov to help pay for WH school. Where was my crystal ball that day? And since then the housing market in the area dropped drastically. In Nov my house appraised for $240,000 and now $210,000 if that.

From the article "What are Plan A and Plan B",
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

So what I think star*fish is suggesting, is not the letter that initiates Plan B but rather some form of communication involving "the care and thoughtfulness of Plan A". Plan A means negotiating for H's return, while you are demonstrating that you've eliminated all LBs and that you will meet his ENs. (Someone correct me if I've got something wrong.) If you have NO contact with WH then you aren't really implementing Plan A. Because of the LD, if WH doesn't call then you are going to have to go on to Plan B, simply because Plan A isn't Plan A without some contact.

So, are there any other options for communicating, other than calling? Unless there's another option in your situation that we aren't thinking of, the only other thing is a letter, either email or snailmail and email is certainly faster.

I think the idea is one last ditch effort at Plan A, in the only form of communication we can think of that isn't LB. From here, it looks like a phone call would be bad, not a good Plan A, because it would probably be seen as being needy. Plan A is about being strong yet loving, firm yet gentle. Respect him at the same time you are respecting yourself. He needs to see that's what you are doing, so there must be some contact. If he sees that you called but he doesn't answer, he will assume you are being needy before you ever get a chance to talk to him. (I guess leaving a phone message might be another option? But it would have to be an excellent Plan A phone message - difficult to do.)

A well-thought-out email could express you respecting his decisions, while stating your own decision to fight for the M. It could also convey a tone of confidence, maturity, stability. Even if he doesn't answer, do you think he would read it?

In the meantime, work on improving yourself, and protecting yourself financially as much as possible. Prepare yourself for the fact that he may not come back. No matter what he does, you can come through this stronger. Do it for yourself - and if he sees what a strong, confident woman you are, so much the better, especially if OW starts making demands that he D so they can M. Let her be the one with demands. You be the secure confident one, who loves him in a way that respects his boundaries.

If that isn't what you had in mind star*fish please correct what I said.