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My Dh has a friend "S". They were friends before we got married, went to basic training together, AIT, went to Korea together, but different stations. They both say nothing ever happened between them. They are just friends. I didn't mind the friendship, until I noticed that she wouldn't call the house. Only his cell phone, and usually it is when I'm not around, when he is working. The calling is getting more frequent. Neither of them respect my request that she calls him at home. Nope, only on his cell, only during work hours. His schedule got changed today. He went in 4 hours later. I noticed he sent her a text message to let her know that he wouldn't be in until later.

In April he called her a total of 22 times for a total of 4 1/2 hours. That doesn't include calls she made to him. I know she does call quite a bit though.

In May he called her 30 times for over 10.5 hours. Again, that doesn't include any of the times she has called him. Our cell phone bill doesn't show who the incoming call is from. Last week, not yet included on the bill, in one day there was 15 calls between the two of them, one phone call alone was for over 2 hours.

But, they are just friends and I have nothing to worry about. She has also sent him a message saying "There are days I get through just because of you. Thanks for being a good friend." "When I count my blessings I count you twice."

I've really really had it. I can send an email to her husband. It's possible she will get it though. It's possible he won't care. Maybe I'm just making a big deal out of nothing.

We've already been though one EA with his Ex-Fiance.


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From your posts it's clear to me that this is not just a normal, platonic friendship anymore. The number of calls and hours they talk to each other on the cell phone indicates a huge emotional attachment and investment to each other and that is a danger and betrayal to your M. Especially the message she has sent to your H "There are days I get through just because of you. Thanks for being a good friend" is very inappropriate and a red flag IMO. If it was normal, platonic frienship, she could just have left the first part out. If my H would have received such a message from a lady friend I would have felt very concerned and alarmed. I'm also concerned about the fact that those calls are restricted to his cell phone and working hours...that clearly indicates to me they want to keep the friendship secret/apart from the M and that they don't want you to know how often they speak to each other and what they speak about. A healthy, normal, platonic friendship between a man and woman includes both the spouses and if that was the case with them, they would have respected your wishes and NOT exclude you from it.

Therefore, this “friendship” is very inappropriate at the least, but I suspect it has already crossed boundaries into EA. It seems there are already 2 elements of EA present in this “friendship” e.g. 1) emotional intimacy (according to the number of times they speak to each other alone) and 2) secrecy (their unwillingness to speak to each other in front of you and calling each other only on the cell phones and working hours all the time).

I think you must inform her H that you don’t feel comfortable with the “friendship” and then point out your reasons and concerns to him (number of calls; unwillingness to speak on home phone after working hours etc.)

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He says they talk at work because they both work nights and they are both bored. The reason she doesn't call the house or anything is because they don't talk any other time but while they are bored at work.

He sent me a few texts today while I was working.

"S is just a friend. I am not in an EA nor would I want to be. My life is open for you to see what ever you want when ever."

"She has been trying to get me to talk with her pastor for the past 3 weeks. S would be the last person I would want to have an affair with. You are my life."

"She has nothing that I want but her friendship. We met when she was a fat body in basic training and on pass I would bring her back candy. Not my idea of a woman, I want."

"I have worked to hard to get this far in our relationship to put things on the right track. I am proud that we have overcome so mcuh. I am sorry that talking to her bothers you so mcuh. She does call the house and it is the same problem (this is not true) We talk on the phone cause we have nothing else to do."

"For the past few weeks she has only talk to me about work, school and getting into church. We also talked about how family change when they thing you are making $"

"I have not done anything wrong! Look at the bill and see who I talk to the most. It may shock you that it is you. We only talk cause we both are up all night long."


At this point I have told him that I only will discuss family issues with him. He can talk to her all he wants lol.

He left his cell phone home tonight. It's to show me he isn't talking to her. As if he can't email her, or find another way to talk to her. Now he just has to get more creative with it.


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He omitted to say the *one thing* that would have made this better:

"I understand that this friendship of mine makes you uncomfortable, therefore I will end it now." (and follow through by doing just that.)

I was friends with somebody for several years through business - and while my M was in trouble, my now XH told me he didn't like it - so I told this man that I couldn't talk to him or see him anymore (he delivered stuff to my business). That was it. He respected that and we made changes to the way we received deliveries. I never heard from him or contacted him again. Nothing "happened" between us - but because my XH was bothered by our friendship, it wasn't worth maintaining the friendship at the expense of my marriage - so there was no real choice involved - I did the right thing. And my friend respected me, my XH and my marriage enough to be understanding about it and honour my request.

6 months later, I was pressed into a situation by my supplier where that friend would have to resume weekly deliveries to me (usually during times when XH was in the business too), OR change suppliers. When I was faced with having to make a choice, I let XH decide. We can either change suppliers (not good for the business) or if it's OK, this man would be delivering again (literally here for 30 mins or less, once a week - again 90% of the time while XH was present). I told XH it was entirely HIS decision - and he allowed deliveries to resume. And we kept things open, transparent and appropriate (we always had - XH just felt threatened by this man during a difficult time in our M).

The bottom line is, if it makes your spouse uncomfortable for any reason - don't do it. It's not worth it.

THAT is what he should have said - and nothing more.

JMHO

JinGA

Last edited by JinGA; 06/19/07 04:40 PM.

F/40, DD15 DS13 M 1989 DDay his EA May 1998. S Aug 2004. D Dec 05. I filed. 4/07 Post-D Plan A with 180, with hopes of R. 6/23/07 XH said no to R. 8/24/07 Went on a date with someone new, "B". 1/22/08 Still seeing B, life is good! Learning and growing each day. Ask me about Geocaching!
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I agree JinGa. I am not asking him to end all contact with her. I am asking, for the same thing I have been asking for, to have her call the house if she wants to talk to him. That's it.

I so want to go find an old guy friend and start talking to him all the time. I won't do it. Dh probably wouldn't care anyways. I'm just tired of it. Then he wonders why I feel like I am second best, etc.


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Well two wrongs never add up to a right, that's for sure.

It's "nice" that he's trying to be transparent, but it still raises many red flags.

Of course people of opposite sex will be friends - we can't all stay on opposite sides of the dance floor - however, when a friendship raises a red flag with a spouse - there's usually a reason.

In my case, the friend and I were good friends - we talked about all kinds of things - just stuff that comes with familiarity. When he used to deliver sometimes he'd hang around and chat with both of us or we'd go out to eat together (XH, myself and friend). When XH told me he didn't want that type of thing to happen anymore because it made him suspicious - BANG - it stopped. It doesn't matter that I didn't step out of line - it made him uncomfortable. Therefore it wasn't appropriate. Period.

Now if a spouse is that controlling that they don't let you have *any* friends - that's another post, and a whole separate issue - but in my case it was one friend that XH felt was getting too close - so it was reasonable for him to ask it to stop - and it was reasonable for me to stop it. RESPECT for spouse.

JinGA


F/40, DD15 DS13 M 1989 DDay his EA May 1998. S Aug 2004. D Dec 05. I filed. 4/07 Post-D Plan A with 180, with hopes of R. 6/23/07 XH said no to R. 8/24/07 Went on a date with someone new, "B". 1/22/08 Still seeing B, life is good! Learning and growing each day. Ask me about Geocaching!
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Here is what he sent me this evening. She has already called his cell phone once.

<<<<<<<I have no control on how you feel, you feel that way because you want to feel that way. I have done nothing to make you feel the way that you do. I’ve been very open with all my actions,I have nothing to hide. You are making more out of this than it is, we have been friends since 1998 and I see her as a friend or sister nothing more.

I am trying to understand where you are coming from on this but I can not. In a 14 day time span 10 hours is not really a great deal of time. Normally we talk hang up and talk and hang up due to work. During our conversation we only talk about work, school, church and the Army.>>>>>>

Guess as long as they are honest about what they do it's ok... He will never ever get it...


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Hmmm... huge RED FLAG to me.

Ever heard of, "Hiding in plain sight"?

Is this woman married? If so I'd have a word with her husband and see how he feels about it. 10 hours in 14 days - well if you subtract 4 days off (ie weekends or the equivalent) that's 10 working days, 10 hours, one hour a day. I don't spend that much time on the phone with my girlfriends (and I'm known for my gift of gab).

If they spoke occasionally for a few minutes here or there, that's one thing - but given that this bothers you so much, he's showing total disregard for YOU, and putting this "friend" above you.

I wouldn't be happy about it. And yep if she's married - I'd talk to the H and see if he knows about it, and how he feels about it. Chances are if you're not comfy with it, neither is he - if he even knows.

Again - JMHO.

JinGA


F/40, DD15 DS13 M 1989 DDay his EA May 1998. S Aug 2004. D Dec 05. I filed. 4/07 Post-D Plan A with 180, with hopes of R. 6/23/07 XH said no to R. 8/24/07 Went on a date with someone new, "B". 1/22/08 Still seeing B, life is good! Learning and growing each day. Ask me about Geocaching!
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My dh only works 14 days a month. That's what he means by 10 hours in 14 days. Thing is in those 14 days there were 2 72 minute calls, a 30, 64,121,92,51,19 and 18 minute call. The rest were 15 minutes and under. The only way to contact her dh is through his myspace acct. She more than likely has access to it. I doubt he cares. COnsidering, at one point, she sent me a message, asking if I would recommend her going to a swingers club with her dh. I never responded.


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SWINGERS CLUB?????????????

HELLO!!!!! That's not a red flag, that's a NEON SIGN.

In other words, this woman could be fooling around with her husband's ... no I can't use the word "blessing" - ummm cough, ummmmm, *knowledge*.

Well he'll be no help - he's probably boinking somebody else's wife too

Heck I don't even talk to my mother for 121 minutes at a time... and she and I have LOTS to talk about.

No no no - this is all wrong...

Sorry

JinGA


F/40, DD15 DS13 M 1989 DDay his EA May 1998. S Aug 2004. D Dec 05. I filed. 4/07 Post-D Plan A with 180, with hopes of R. 6/23/07 XH said no to R. 8/24/07 Went on a date with someone new, "B". 1/22/08 Still seeing B, life is good! Learning and growing each day. Ask me about Geocaching!
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I am sorry you are in this situation and that your H cannot see that he is acting inappropriately. When he was having these long conversatons with OW, did he come home and tell you, gee I spoke to OW today and she said.... and I said....??

Did you know these conversations were taking place at the time they were taking place?--or did you have to snoop to find out what was going on? You have every right to be uncomfortable with all this and your H is messing with your head and being selfish. He may 'claim' that he is not attached to her inappropriately but that is not true and she is clearly inappropriately attached to him. Stay calm and firm that this relationship is out of line with policy of joint agreement. Sorry it is happening to you.
Lake


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Ask you husband to go to counseling with you. Maybe the counselor can explain to him that the relationship is unhealthy. Once you said you were uncomfortable with it, they BOTH should have stopped.

A normal woman would respect a wife's request, even if it WAS unreasonable. I had a long time friend that I worked with who was only a friend. His wife was not happy with our relationship, and I STOPPED calling or talking to him. That is what a normal person would do.

See a counselor.

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I did not know the conversations were taking place. I would only find out if I looked at his call history or our cell phone bill. But to him, since he didn't erase the call history, he wasn't hiding anything. He is now telling me sorry he didn't realize they talked so much.


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Hi believer!!

I wish a counselor would work. We have done counseling and coaching. We coach with Penny and Joanna. I have even talked with Star. He and I won't do the required work. We really are stuck in this place because of us. I don't trust him enough to move forward. He doesn't get what he needs from me... He obviously finds it elsewhere...


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Here is the problem as I see it. He needs to step up to the plate and meet your needs. If you say that it is vital to your happiness that he never eat another egg, then he needs to stop eating eggs. That is what marriage is all about. When something is very important to your spouse, you try to do (or not do) it, even if it makes no sense to you.

If the guy is bored at work, maybe he needs to get another job. Or he could communicate with YOU. Now that's a novel idea.............

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Lol believer! He does meet my needs. Usually very well. Problem is he is also very good and making huge withdrawls.

He does want to find another job. However, he works for the federal gov't, been there about 4 years now. Plus a6 years military.

He works 6pm to 6am every other month. We talk here and there until I go to bed. Really though, I have no desire to sit and talk to him on the phone all night. Plus I have to work in the morning and we also have 2 young daughters.

I don't mind him talking to the person occassionally. I just think it's getting out of hand.


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I work for the federal gov too. I think it is time for him to find another job. Tell him to spend his time putting resumes out on the Navy site, USA jobs, the GSA site, and all the others.

Plus he could take some classes to improve his skills so that he can get some better jobs. He needs to get busy doing something constructive.

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He is working on his Bachelors now. He is in law enforcement. So, his career choices are limited in this area. I am not willing to move again right now. I"m working on my Masters. We have moved 5 times in as many years. Living in 3 different states and 4 5 different cities.

I agree he needs to be doing something constructive. Last night and tonight he took my Bible to work. Maybe he will spend some time reading.


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Homeland Security is always looking for folks. It is hard if you can't move though. That is the best way to get ahead in the government.

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I understand that. Part of the reason we have moved so much. Believe me, he has researched the in and and outs of transferring jobs. He can probably tell you just about every agency that is hiring. I am not moving right now. I want to finish my degree.


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