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#1897167 06/21/07 10:27 PM
Joined: Apr 2007
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well, it has been a while since I was last here. So much has happened. It all started with the whole "I love u but im not in love with you" spill. I started IC and have made huge progress. I am no longer suspicious of my husbands actions and have eased up. I accept the affection he gives and do not nag.

I recieved a call from an ex girlfriend of his, a very short relationship, a girl who has children by my H's cousins. She told me she had talked with hyim. He says he loves her, I do not make him as happy as she did, and that he and I are like roommates (something I once said to him.).

She is a lesbian, so it is safe to assume her account on them not having an affair. She said he did try, but she said no. When I told him about this conversation he got very angry with her. He sent her a txt message asking why she would say that stuff to me.

She started txting him very rude messages and they parted ways. She sent some that were very hurtful and very uncalled for.

She ended up calling me again but I did not answer the phone. She left a message saying she knows I trust him, although I shouldnt, and I should look in her txt account and reade the messages.

I told myself he was not doing anything wrong and decided to get on just to see what she "made up." I read the messages and of course they all said what she had said they said. My H looked at them too and freaked and stated she was smart and had to of edited them. One of the messages did state he had always been faithful to me. she asked him back "why cheat now then?"

A couple days later I sent him a txt asking if I could burn some CDs he has in the other car. I go into the car and find a napkin shoved between the cds and a recipt. The napkin contained a name and number of a female. I asked him about it and he told me he did not know anything about it. He said he has all kinds of people riding in the truck, it could be his uncles, his brothers, or his sisters. He says call it. I call it and the girl calls back. She says she cannot remember who called her but she did talk to the guy.

I ask the next day, as he suggested, for his password to his cell account to see if he called her. He sends the password but then 10 min later calls freaking out on me. He says I need to trust him but I can look. He says he is sick of proving me wrong. We hang up and he sends me a text message telling me I should stop playing him for a foll. he says it is a wonder he is so angry and resntful towards me when I ask stuff like this. He then says he hopes I do find something he lied about so this can get easier.

I txt back saying i am sorry and i wont look, although this anger sends a mojor red flag. why the secrecy? I do not think it involves the napkin girl, but the other girl. But if I mantion this untrust he will get mad and make it my fault. what do I do?

Do i let it go? I am afraid if he thinks he can get away with this behavior then he will continue and maybe the next time there will be a REAL affair and not an attempt. After all this he has finally agreed to MC, which he has refused for three months now.

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SSW,

Sorry for the backslide. He doesn't want MC, he isn't making you feel safe, u r getting calls from strange women and u r finding phone #s.

Here's my conclusions:

1. He is still a WS.
2. OW isn't 100 a lezzie.
3. There may be more than 1 OW
4. He may be trying to stop but not enough
5. He knows he needs to make you feel safe and is failing.

What can you do (remember these are ONLY my opinions):
A. Call Steve for a plan.
B. Read up on plan B.
C. Identify your personal and M boundaries.
D. Secure your finances
E. Get your mind and heart in sync.
F. Notify your support group U R going to plan B. Ask for their assistance and respect. Agree to listen to their suggesitons.
G. Write your plan B letter (don't send it yet).
H. Pray for a clear mind and calm heart along with lots of patience.
I. Implement plan B.

What will this do?:

1. It will give you the strength to move forward.
2. It will allow you to set the requirements for his return. Which means the value goes UP not down.
3. It will help kill the WS in him or weaken it significantly. RE: The WS must control and beat down the WS to survive. Your personal survival will weaken the WS tremendously.


What you s/b prepared for?:

A. Be prepred for the WS to fight back, get angry, maybe even violent.
B. Expect lies and more deceit.
C. Expect him to blame you for stuff you never know even existed.
D. Expect Babble.

What should you do again?

1. Expose.

Have you read HNHN & Love must be tough? Please do.

Hope this helps.

L.

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If he's freaking out like that then it must be because there's something to hide. If there was nothing to hide then he wouldn't be so upset about you looking into his cell account.

I'm going through a recovery process and although I'm new at this I realize that honesty is a big thing no matter how painful. We both allow each other access to our email, cell phones and IM's. While I become upset when the ex other girl calls, I'm reassured to a degree because he's not hiding it from me.

I don't think you should let it go because things will only get worse and more painful for you. I hope it works out for you.

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I too think he is hiding something.. if there was nothing to hide he'd tell you to look, so you'd find nothing and it could rest.

I wouldnt believe 100% the OW.. some of them are vengeful when they find out they were played for a fool by a married man. They just want to hurt like they were hurt.

What does he say about all this? That he is 100% faithful? I wouldnt just let it go and wait for the next thing to happen..


Me - 26 & Hubby - 27
In Love since 10/99
Married 6/01' - love our 2 sons ages 4 & 6
Problem: Communicating & Making Time for Our Marriage.
Status: Started Recovery June 11, 2007 -Our marriage is happier & stronger then ever - It's been a year and we are SUCCESSFUL!

Completely head over heels in love with my romantic hubby
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The financial aspect of a confrontation is scary to me. I am a fulltime college student. i graduate in seven weeks but I will still have two mo9re years to go. I am currently in a transitional degree program. I have applied for several jobs ranging from teaching juveniles in the juvenile justice system, supervised visitation monitor with CPS, and administrator with CPS.

I know in order for me to fully support my children not only financially but emotionally I will need to make atleast 2 g's a month and I refuse to work several jobs. I know my kids will need me more than ever if he and I were to seperate due to a major confrontation.

The thing that scares me is the fact we are making progress slowly but surely. As I said, he wants MC now. Right when I told him about my convo with OW, if that is what she is- I DO NOT think they have slept together. Not because he says they did not but also because SHE said they did not. She was calling to hurt me. Why is all I am not sure of.

I am positive he is hiding something, but I dont know where to go from here. I think I am going to hold off making a decision until AFTEr going to MC. I think I could talk one on one with the MC and get a good game plan going.

Thank you all for your posts, at least I know I am not crazy to believe it was strange of him : )

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SadSadWife,

I find it frightening to think that making a stand against your H's unacceptable behavior will leave you in a cold financial rut. There must be some way for you to get alternative funding without working more than 2 jobs.

You have to remember also that it takes two people to make a M work. While going to a MC one-on-one is a good first step, eventually you'll have to get your H's bum in the sessions as well.

Will be visiting from time to time to check how you're doing...hang in there!

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Please do not expect a lot from a MC. We were in MC WHILE my H was having the A, and we continued after dday #1. We finally stopped because he said he hated it.

Well, he hated it because he never stopped the A, and I am sure he was afraid the MC was going to see right through him. This should have been a huge red flag to both me and the MC, but we missed it.

Best bet is to call SH for an appt. Even if your H won't agree to talk to him, you should still do it.

Don't tell your H about this website, either, and make sure to clear your computer history cache after every visit to MB. Sounds very strongly like you are going to need Plan B, and you don't want him knowing about that.

Are you in Plan A? Read up on that and start it ASAP.


Me,BW - 42; FWH-46
4 kids
D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006
D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR)
Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007

In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. smile
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thank you both for your comments. I know I have a long road ahead of me. I have read about plan A but I did not think it applied to my situation at the time. I will most certainly refresh my knowledge on it now ; 0

I would love to set up appt. with SH, but financially I cannot afford it. We are attending MC at a place where they base fees on income. My H makes enough to support us, but he only makes 2 g's a month. As I stated I am a stay at home mom and full time college student so I have no free standing income. I get 800 a month for child support but MC does not constitute a need based on my kids : (

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Ok reread plan A and realize it has been accomplished. The OW jdid it for me ironically. She sent him txts about being glad his cousin was dead, wishing he was dead, and in a text he sent to her in HER account he said "leave me and my family alone- i love my wife". He did not know at that time she had given me her account information.

I have been on my best behavior. I am a friend when he wants a friend, I praise him, and I make sure the house is perfect- which is tough considering all the kiddies... AHHHH

I make sure I lok absolutely perfect when he gets home from work. I have even lost quite a bit of weight- he made a comment that I do not have a but no more : ( I went from 5'1 and weighing 135 to weighing 115. I am not too 'kinny but I do feel GREAT about how I look. This also makes me more confident which can't hurt when you want to win you H back!

Now if he has other OW, then I am in trouble. I do not thinks. I do not think this one was even an OW, I think he truely did want to just see the kids.

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Sorry to burst your bubble, but I think you are wrong.

He would not be so defensive, worried and paranoid if he has done "nothing" wrong. [People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.]

NO ONE ever believes their spouse was/is having an affair. No one WANTS to believe it; even after 13 months of knowing my H had an affair, I still wake up many days not believing that this really happened to me. My H would NEVER HAVE AN AFFAIR.

Please do more snooping and spying. Continue to watch for red flags. Do this WHILE you are Plan A'ing him (be careful about what you are telling him you are doing snooping-wise. Don't show him all your cards. WSs get very smart about covering their tracks and being sneaky ~ it's creepy).

Hang in there, and stick around here for support, ok?


Me,BW - 42; FWH-46
4 kids
D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006
D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR)
Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007

In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. smile
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Tell me more about what a great father and husband he was before. Did he always take your needs and wants into account? Did he spend all his time with you and your children?

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Well, when we first met the first date included us having a BBQ which he told me to make sure I brought my daughters. He always playee with them, they would go in the back and jump on the trampoline alot. Mind you my daughters were 3 and 4 at the time.

He helped me to set rules for the girls. He said it was in their best interest to have some structure. Nothing too strict but the normal such as clean their room, get them sleeping in their own bed, taking responsibility for their actions, and cleaning up after themselves.

He nezver raised his voice but was very matter of a fact withthem. All this alone made me fall even more deeply in love with him.

He was always with me, always around. If I was off work he was here. We went everywhere together. I never felt left out or pushed aside. He was always very accepting of meeting my needs- all of them. He would make comments about how pretty I looked or that he did not think he was doing enough to make me happy.

It was recently over the past 6 months he bagn leaving me out. I would stay here with the kids and he would hang out with his family. It got to where I felt like I was imposing if I asked to go. He got to where I felt like it was a hassal just to get a kiss at night. I would want one and ask for one and he would sigh and say to make it quick, he is tired.

If I ever had a problem with anything before he would fix it right away. He knew I would do the same for him.

As a father he is still wonderful, he just is not around as much anymore. There were times he would get home so late our baby son would not have seen him for three days because he was already asleep by the time his dad got home. He still gives the kids the amount of love and support, but it is not as frequent anymore.

He made me feel like I was the only woman in the world. He made me feel so very beautiful and special. I felt like a million dollars by his side and he treated me as such. I was his angel, his princess.

The girls have always called him daddy (name). Over the past year the name part has dropped and he is daddy. They refer to their biological father as their "other dad". Over the first year of my H and I being together the girls referred to my H as their other dad. For my youngest daughter he is the ONLY real father figure she ever knew. She knew her dad and we lived together until she was 3, but he was a complete @$$ to her.

Does that help any?


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