Problems with Husband--don't know what to do....

We have been married almost 4 years (August 2nd will be 4 years.) We want (or say) we want to start a family. But my husband does things that embarrass me in public, for example last weekend we went to a barbecue at his friends house and when I told him I wanted to leave he said to me: "God Damn it." (kind of quietly, but other people were in the room.) Also when his friend was showing us his new house, I asked his friend something, and my husband said something that totally embarrassed me/which put me on the spot, right in front of his friend.

Also, we want to start a family...so he is giving me these little rules/things we should do/not do now/before we have kids. Examples of some of his rules are 1)"Not swear" (so we aren't swearing around our future kids...(but then he swears at me all the time!) 2) when our kids start school, I need to go back to work (which would be 7-8 years down the line.
Can I predict what's going to happen with us 7-8 years from now?

Also, when he gets mad at me or we are in a fight (like the fight we were in this past weekend for how he treated me at his friends barbecue), we will makeup, but then later after we makeup...he (out of the blue it seems) brings up the same fight again and tells me he's mad at me for some other reason. I feel like he takes me for granted totally. He expects me to be here (and put up with him.)

I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm loosing my patience. We are both Catholic. (He practices more than me though.) I feel like separating or moving out, but I have no
where to go. My Mom always says I can come by her to visit when I need to but she is in another state. But I know I can easily pack up and go there if I need to.

I go to counseling every week for myself, but for a personal condition I have. He used to go to counseling on his own..I told him he should go back..he thinks he doesn't need to, but he does go to my counselor together on some Saturday sessions with me (and he is going this Saturday. My therapist said she thinks he needs to go to individual therapy again and she's going to suggest him going to individual therapy again this weekend when he is there.

Any suggestions anyone could offer would be appreciated. Thank you.

He sounds like he has some good qualities. I'm wondering why the marriage counselor told the two of you to get IC? Do you ever speak to him about the way he treats you? I think I would try that first.

lauriej

Have you read the Most Important Emotional Needs, Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts and Love Busters? That might be a good place to start.

I wonder why you aren't in marriage counseling?

Since he is more of a practicing Catholic than you, are there any men's groups within your parish he could get involved in?

No, I haven't read any of the emotional needs here or the basic concepts and love busters. Are they online here, on this webpage?

They are on the right side of the page in the box titled "Most Popular Links."

Also I sure as H*** wouldn't start a family with this man until you feel comfortable with the way you are being treated.

How long did you date before you married him? Did he have a horrible childhood?

My sentiments exactly. Parenthood is crazy enough for the best of couples. A new baby will only exacerbate any existing problems.

Was there some specific issue he was in IC counseling for before?

We dateed for 2 and 1/2 years (almost 3 yrs) before we got married. (We thought about calling off the wedding, as we were fighting a lot before the wedding, but didn't want to stop the wedding plans/disappoint anyone, so of course we continued and still got married.)

I am his first girlfriend ever--so he is very inexperienced with relationships. He was very into his schooling (getting his masters then phd, and is a little shy/reserved) so I am/was his first real girlfriend and first person he had sex with, if that helps anyone.

He had a pretty good childhood. He is the middle child of 2 other siblings. His parents are still married, married 40 years. I know his Mother pretty much does nothing...kind of takes advantage of his father, at least he sees it that way. So sometimes if I ask him to do something (like get me a glass of water) he doesn't want to do it/help me, because he doesn't want me to "walk all over him", because he thinks his Mother "walks all over his father" (where he says he does everything for her.) But has a very good relationship with his brother and sister, they don't fight at all and he gets along well with his parents too.

No specific issue with him going to his own therapy before...but I guess he went because I suffer from depression. So my therapist thought it would be good for him to see someone on his own, since he is a family member living with someone with depression. I know when he did go to counceling it helped him. I know this Saturday when he goes to my councelor with me, my therapist is going to suggest him going to (individual) therapy again. I'm hoping he will go. I know it helps me having someone outside of our relationship (a 3rd party) to talk to to get perspective.

And are you getting meds or whatever to help you with your depression?

Yes, getting meds and doing fine with that...Have been doing fine for years.