I first posted here about 3 months ago on the emotional needs board (Lost and Hurt) because my wife had left me. So for the past 3 months I have tried and tried to get her back. As I have recently found out, I never had a chance. She has been cheating on me with her boss for quite some time now, though she says it is just recent.

Thank you to everyone who told me there seemed to be more to the situation than her just being unhappy. Everything you told me was really true. I didn't see it and just tried to be the best to her. She has had no respect for me at all.
Since I found out, just last Thursday, I have fully exposed her to both our families and our friends, although some friends already knew.

I never even looked into plan A and B, because I didn't think anything was going on. Well I exposed her and have been doing plan A without even knowing it. As I started to read here, everything is making more and more sense.

Everything that you have said would happen has. Everthing that you said she would do and say has happened also.
For the fist time in months I am seeing some emotion coming from her. It has been very angry emotions, but there is also compasion and guilt because she really does love me.
Thank you for all the advice that you give to everyone that goes through this. Even after you have fixed your marriages and things have gotten better, or not. You are still here for others. And I thank you.

As for my situation, she called me last night, after work, screaming and yelling. I had just emailed the OM. One simple question to him "What are your intentions with my Wife?" I guess she didn't like it that he knows that I know. I've told her I still have an unconditional forever love for her. That we made promises to each other when we got married. Promises that I am still willing to keep. But, she must stop all contact with him and find another job. Now she has the pressure on her and she feels like dirt because of what she has done. She is supposed to call me today and yell some more about the email. So we'll just see where it goes. Her little fantasy world is crashing down around her.
Thank you all very much for being here for everyone.

I just got the call from her. She wasn't mad or yelling at all. In fact, she sounded like I have for months now, sad and depressed. I told her I want to save our marriage more than anything else. And she offered to get together and talk this afternoon. I have felt like crap for the longest time. Thought I did everything wrong in our marriage and pushed her away. This is the first week that I have actually felt good, strong and in control

Congratulations and Good work. It sounds like you have read up on these boards. Keep posting, you might want to move over to General Questions as it gets more traffic. Hopefully, she will agree to No Contact and you and she can write the NC letter and you can send it out.

Are you two still living apart?

Did you say the affair partner is her boss?
Lake

Lake-
Yes we are still living apart. She is staying with her grandparents. They want nothing more than to see us back together. She has only came to our house 3 or 4 times since she left, and that was only to pick up our son. Says it is too sad and depressing. Now I know that she was really just ashamed.

And yes, it is her boss. He owns the company and is selling it and moving soon. He doesn't want to have any deep relationship with her, was just there for the fun.

Rummi,

Don't you hate it when people are right? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> I know the folks that posted to you earlier sure do hate that they were right. You have an opportunity but remember the affair was HER decision alone and had nothing to do with you. Your marriage and the state of it was due to your actions as well as hers.

I do hope that she realizes how she was used, and how she has used you as well. I do hope that your exposure has extended to her grandparents. They sound as if they would be good allies in this.

I will warn you her withdrawal once the A is over will take awhile. This will require time and patience and I hope that she will allow you to use both.

Please do go read all of Harley's articles and purchase Surviving an Affair by Harley. There are a few other books that might be of use to you as well.

God Bless,

JL

Just got done talking with her. It didn't go exactly how I was hoping, but it wasn't the worse. She is not seeing him anymore and is quiting the job. But she still won't give us a chance again. She says she loves me, misses me, and really cares what happens to me. She just doesn't see any hope of a future together. The last 2 years just have not been good, and she doesn't want to go back to the way things were.

So what are my options now? I will still see her throughout the week as we share our son. She has just lost all hope in life. Should I back off and give her the space she is wanting? She said I'm being too forward and she needs time to sort things out.

JL-
Her grandparents feel the same way that I do about the whole thing. They have always been there for both of us and still are. Her grandma also said I should let up, I seem to be smothering her.

It's late and I'm tired. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,
Rummi

Rummi,

Step back a bit. When you see her be nice, smile, look good, dress well etc. But then just let her be. What you are dealing with is her guilt and that she has to face. You have done plan A well, but you need to keep it up. However, it needs to be done with a light touch sometimes. Sort of like fishing, keep the bait in the water as much as possible, but don't go thrashing around in the water either. OR just don't fall out of the boat. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

There is more to do, but right now do what you can she will be in withdrawal IF she has really stopped seeing him. It is a hard stage for all concerned.

God Bless,

JL

That reafirms what I knew I had to do. It's time to work on showing her there is a reason to come home. I have been so down and out the past months that I really didn't show her why she should still care. She has said that she sees no change in me at all. I haven't been working on me, just trying to fill her EN's. That just angered her more.

So I've started working out again. Also doing the little things to our house that she always said I didn't do. Going to improve to show her that there is still something here to be happy about. Just not forcing anything or pushing. Time and patience.

Thanks,
Rummi

She just called again. Really P'd off now. Her mom confronted her on the situation. She said I had no right talking to her mom about it. I told her that I have talked to everyone about it. She says I'm an immature a$$. She also said she is working tonight, that she just said she was quiting to get me off her back. She says that it is over between them, but she is not leaving her job. As long as they have contact, it's not over. Back to waiting again.

Thanks,
Rummi

This weekend went quite well. Picked up our son on Friday and was myself again. We talked like we always have and everything was good. After I got home, I got a call from her grandma. She said that my wife told them that is what she wanted. She saw the me that she first fell in love with again. I did the right thing and It really showed.

Then on Sunday when I returned our son, it was completely different. She was very closed to me. Just droped him off, said our hi and good bye, that was it. I know it's not going to be perfect every time we meet. She is going through many emotions and moods.

Overall though, I still feel good about the way things are going. She didn't go in to work on Sunday either. That is a good thing.

Thanks,
Rummi

It is really upsetting that she will not leave the job. She swears that it is over between them, but still has to see him at work. It pisses me off how easily she can throw out our marriage, but she can't quit work.

She has mixed emotions everytime I talk to her. Sometimes I believe that she is warming up to me, other times it is back to the angry wife. I'm getting frustrated and confused. Not sure how to handle it. Don't know what is going on in her mind or what she is thinking.

Am I still doing the right thing by letting up on pressuring her? She kissed me on the neck yesterday. The second kiss and show of some kind of emotion since she left. It felt good to feel that, but is it just a show? Am I enabling her to continue with him by not being more forward? Her grandparents told her she needs to find another job, but she has yet to even attempt to look.

Confused and unsure today. My confidence level has went down a bit >.<

Thanks,
Rummi

Rummi,

As you have probably already figured out:

THERE WILL BE NO RECOVERY AS LONG AS THEY WORK TOGETHER!

That is why Harley recommends DRASTIC measures to seperate the waywards: Up to and including MOVING your entire family to seperate the waywards.

As long as the waywards are in contact there is a good chance that the affair will rekindle. You do NOT want that to happen.

It is imparative that the waywards be seperated! You stated that the OM is her Boss. Have you brought this up to the HR people where they work?

Once you tell HR and ask them to do something about this, HR can no longer ignore / feign ignorance of the issue. It will force the company to work for its own self interest. This could result in one or both WS's being let go.
This is actually a good thing in that it will break the daily contact and give your M a chance to recover.

Stay Strong!

WTF-
There is no HR department. He owns the company. There is him, and maybe 8-10 employees. He is selling the company and leaving, not sure when though. All the employees, some of which were good friends, already knew about the whole thing.

Before I knew about the affair, she was telling me how he was selling it. And that she didn't like the new owner, so she was going to quit then. She was really depressed about the situation. I now know that she was depressed because her boyfriend was leaving, that hurts.

I have contacted the OM twice now, through e-mails. Didn't get a response the first time. He responded back the second time saying he had no idea who I was or what I was talking about. I want to contact him again, but don't know if it will help any.

Just have to stay strong and patient. It's so damn hard and hurts so much though.

Thanks,
Rummi

Yesterday went pretty well, I think. I spent the day with my son, my wife, and her grandparents. We talked a little about our future, she is still in withdrawal. Mostly I was there for my son to make his day the best. I still told her that I love her, miss her, and I still have hope for us. I stayed upbeat and happy. The day went good. In the end, we both showed some affection toward each other and left on a good note.

Things seem to be working out. She is noticing the changes and what I am doing to improve. I just need to keep it up and build her hope back. Plan A is working very good.

Thanks,
Rummi

One step forward and five steps back...

What do you do, when after you have built everything up, and everything is finally working out, it gets destroyed in one day by your mother-in-law?

Everything was going perfectly, we were getting close, somewhat, again. Then my mother-in-law desides to take it upon herself to confront and threaten the OM. So my wife thinks I have something to do with the whole thing and is furiously p'd off at me. I don't really know what happened today. My wife hates me right now, again, and I didn't do anything. She is back to severe withdrawal and doesn't want to speak to me.

The only thing I can think of to do is give her space again. She says she needs to be alone to think things out. I fear that this is only going to bring her and the OM closer. I have finally accepted and forgiven what has happened, and I want to fix the situation. How can I even begin to fix it, if I'm not let in?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,
Rummi

So mother-in-law confronted OM. This is just a logical consequence of your WW's actions. Don't apologize for it. Your wife set this all in motion--not you and not her mother. As long as she will not go with no contact, your marriage is in jeopardy
Lake

I've written my plan B letter. Not sure if I should give it to her. I don't think I could go NC from her.

She still will not stop working there, and refuses to come home. I saw her today to get our son. She was quiet, depressed, and wants no comforting from me. Thats what hurts the worst. I don't have her to share anything with anymore. She has closed the door again.

How do I know when to go to plan B? I don't want it to be a mistake out of frustration.

Thanks,
Rummi

The purpose of Plan B is to protect YOURSELF and your remaining love for your WS. A good Plan B needs careful consideration / preparation before implementing.

Some very important things to consider:

Plan B letter: This letter basically states that there is to be no contact whatsoever between you & WS until such a time as conditions YOU state are met (i.e. No Contact with OP, Willingness to work on marriage, marital counseling, etc…). The plan B letter is a “roadmap” to the WS on what YOU need to consider reconciliation

If you’re not sure if you’ve written a good plan B letter, post it. We’ll give you some suggestions / critic. A good rule of thumb with plan B letters: The shorter and more to the point the better.


Intermediary: As you’ve already noticed, any contact with the fogged out WS is caustic and ends up withdrawing units from your LB. The simple solution to this is to not have contact.

That is where the intermediary comes in. The intermediary is the person that your WS has to contact to get a message to you. The job of the intermediary is to pass messages directly from WS to you & from you to WS. The intermediary is NOT to interpret the communications in any way and simply pass the message back and forth.

Do NOT accept direct communications from the WS (phone, email, text messages, direct conversation, etc…) as this breaks plan B and allows WS to get his “family” fix.

If WS phones (make sure you have caller ID) or and unrecognized number comes across, let it go to voicemail. If the VM is from WS delete it. If you pick up the phone and WS is on the other end, Hang UP!

If WS emails: Delete it! A better alternative to this is to block his incoming emails. You can do this various ways depending on the email system you use. Let us know if you need help blocking these. Someone on the board will likely know how to block whatever system you are using.

If WS text messages: Delete it!

Direct Conversation: Turn your back and walk to a supportive group and / or leave.

If you have ANY direct communications your mantra is: “Have you met the conditions of my letter?” If no, hang up / leave.


Visitation: It is best to have a visitation schedule set beforehand. Any deviations need to be arranged through the intermediary. It is usually best to send the kids to the waiting car and upon return have the kids come to the house from the car. I do not recommend allowing the WS in the home. They tend to leave little “surprises” for you to find later.

Make sure that they know that they are not welcome inside your home until the conditions outlined in your letter are met. If the WS comes in anyway, go to another room and shut the door. Again; if you have ANY direct communications your mantra is: “Have you met the conditions of my letter?”


Finances: It is best to have this set beforehand. Any deviations need to be arranged through the intermediary.


Family Relations: State your desire that you do not wish to hear any “news” about your WS. Let them know what it going on and what the intent of your plan is. Thank them for their support.


Plan B tends to drive a WS nuts! They can no longer get their “good normal family” fix. They will try very hard to break your plan b and get back to “cake eating”. Do not let this happen! Give the WS a little preview of what it will be like to actually “lose” his family.

IMHO the timing for Plan "B" does not feel right to me yet.

That doesn't mean that you cannot start to prepare for Plan "B". The timing of Plan "B" is up to you. YOU are the one to make that decision.

I do know that you will not want to start plan "B" after a falling out! You want to start it with the WS remembering a STELLAR Plan "A" experience.

Any Q's? Post back.

Stay Strong!

It doesn't feel like a rollercoaster to me. It's more like a long country road with many hills and curves. Just have to go steady and slow to get to where you want to go. As long as you don't break down along the way.

The weekend went good. Picked up my son on Friday, we had a great time together, and dropped him off on Sunday. It really is sad that he has to go through this because of our problems. I see it in his eyes everytime he has to go, he just doesn't understand.

Things with my wife are what they are. I'm still working plan A, and I can see that she is noticing. She is starting to warm up to me again, somewhat. As for our relationship together, she doesn't see it happening. Wants to be on her own to be her own person.

WTF-
I don't think it's the right time for "B" either right now. I was just frustrated at the way things were going. But I am prepared for it, if need be.

My spirits and hopes are still good. Even if things don't work out, this experience will have made me a better person.

Thanks,
Rummi

That's because you are seperated right now. If you were in closer proximity you would be much more subject to your's and WW's mood swings.

This is good in that you are somewhat insulated from your WW's likely vitrol. Bad in that you are less able to show her your positive changes.

Seperation does not help a couple to recover from marital problems. It mearly lets each deal with the problem unilaterally, without input from the other spouse. An independent behavior which only leads to more marital breakdown IMHO.



Remember Plan A is a marathon. You are in it for the long haul. It usually requires MONTHS of Plan A before before WW will start to think that MAYBE the changes that she sees are for real and they MIGHT be permanent. Also be aware that she may get very ANYGRY at you for this. "WHY DIDN'T YOU DO THIS BEFORE I CHEATED???? WHY DID YOU HAVE TO CHANGE NOW?!!!" Will come to WW's mind. It plays havoc with the justifications that they used to justify their affairs.



I'm glad that you had a good weekend with your son. What are your custody arrangements at this time? Who has your son when? Is there any formal agreement to custody?