Good day again. Still progressing. Couple of responces first...

Doingfine---
Conserning the friends reasoning for saying things... My best friends wife is my wifes best friend. It has been the four of us for many years. 3 years ago, my friends wife cheated on him. She was bartending, found someone else and left him. They worked it out and are still together. He has never forgiven her, and she just stayed with him for there son.

The past year... my wife and his wife have been dealing poker in bars together. The only reason he let her go was because he also went every night. I trusted my wife and let her go do her thing (our friends were around, what could happen)... we all know where that led.

So now they are having problems again. She just kicked him out last week. He blames it all on my wife. So he is angry at her and will say anything he can to get me to feel the same way. Honestly... things have not been right between them since everything happened 3 years ago. They just buried it and went on. Neither one of them is happy.

So that is why he has been saying what he has. I'm not worried about it, he's just p'd off.

Anyway... my wife and I are still doing well, at least as well as it can be for now. She has been calling me more and wanting to do more with me for a change instead of me always taking the initiative. She asked me to lunch for tomorrow. It's still not at that great closeness level, but it is getting better every day.

She has been looking for a job and going to school. She is not going to come back to the house... of that I am sure, at least not yet. She is looking for apartments, and will probably be getting one with my friends wife. I'm not pushing her or telling her what to do in anyway. I let her know how I feel about things. I show her that I am here for her and still love her.

I read here constantly. Everyone here is great. All the advice on this site and from everyone has really helped and made a difference.

Still hoping, trying, and loving.
Rummi

Good Evening. The weekend was good. My son is growing up so fast.

Sundays have been going well with my wife. That is the one day that we spend most of together. We were very close and it was good again. Today didn't go too well.

She called me at work today and wanted me to come over this afternoon. OK, so I did. We go out to dinner and in the middle of it, she breaks down. She doesn't know what she is doing or where she is going with her life.

She asks me about our relationship and what I think and want to do about it. She knows and I told her again how I feel. She says she only has two choices to make. Divorce or come home. This is the first time that she has ever said coming home was any kind of a choice.

We got back to her grandparents and she broke down in tears again. Tears because she loves me and doesn't want to hurt me with a divorce. Tears because she is still not sure about coming home.

I have been too forward lately and it is time to back down again. I was getting caught up in the good times we have been haveing lately, and didn't see it was too much to fast for her. She vented and released her frustrations and stress on me. I see that as being good, she is still willing to be open and talk with me.

It's late, I'm tired, write again later in the week.

Thanks,
Rummi

Rummi,

I don't see her as having two choices. I see her as having many choices and she needs to realize this. One is to divorce. Two is to come home (to the same situation). 3. Is to rebuild the relationship while stating in the status she is in. 4. Is to come home and work with you to make both of you happy in the marriage and succeed.
5. Is to come home and work with you to make both of you happy in the marriage and fail, and then leave KNOWING she did the best she could. 6. Is to sacrifice herself, do little, remaing a family for the child and be miserable.

She has many choices, not all of them revolve around the marriage. To put it another way she can chose;

1. Happy or unhappy

2. Married or married

3. Married separated or togther.

4. Divorced but in contact.

5. divorced but NOT in contact.

6. Married and togther but unhappy

7. Married and together and happy.

The combinations are endless and they all don't revolve around the marriage, but most are linked to it. All that is but her unhappiness, that is within her and being married or divorced will NOT make her happy.

Discuss the possibilities that she can be happy with you or without you.

Just some thoughts.

God Bless,

JL

Good Day. Another emotional couple of weeks. Mostly for her. I talked with her about happiness and what she wants, needs, and what I could do for her. Everything went well. We were close, talking and together.

The week after that really has been one of the best together.

But since then, she has been very emotional... ups and downs. She says she is confused and doesn't know what to do.

I talked to her last week about how my feelings of trust are toward her and that didn't go well. Just angered her and she has had an attitude with me most of the weekend.

Went to lunch yesterday and she was very quiet. Calls last night in tears saying she is filing for divorce this weekend. Says she is really sorry it has to be this way, but she see no other way. She says she loves me more than anything, but we just can't be together. She can't live like this anymore.

To me, I get the feeling that she was starting to feel more for me again. It scares her, angers her, so she is back to being mad. Last night she was yelling about absolutely nothing... just to yell. I got her calmed down and we were back to ourselves again.... laughing, talking and nice again.

I told her I'm not talking with her about divorce. I have nothing to say about it. She can file, I'll get the papers/lawyers then deal with it.

One day things are alright... the next they are not. I don't know what she is doing or thinking and neither does she. I've tried getting her to go to counseling with me or just on her own. But she won't.

I'm staying over at her grandparents this week because her granddad is going into surgery. She says that she needs me there because she can't handle it.

I've got to go..... just some thoughts and updates.

Thanks,
Rummi

Rummi,

I think she is depressed and cannot see her options clearly. If you read my post to you about options and the large variety of them, I think you need to make her aware of them, but more importantly perhaps encourage her to see a counselor. Tell her to do it so that she can be happy no matter what she decides. Do her a huge favor and get her help so that she can make a decision she will feel good about. Right now neither decision feels "good" to her.

Yes go with her and support her. Be her rock. I know this is tough on you, but the better you are to her, the better you will feel. She will not because you are not living up to her rewritten history but such is life.

hang in there.

God Bless,

JL

When we talked about her happiness, I discussed all the different options. That is what really through her into confusion. She said she hears and understands what I am saying, but still does not know what to do. Said she never really looked at it that way

Me being there for her, and being a better person has made her angry, sad and depressed. She has said she wished I hated her so this would be easier for her. Which again confuses her.

This whole thing is tough on me, her, our son, our families, everyone involved. I am calm and in control of myself. I know what I am doing, and I know what I am going to do, no matter what the outcome.

I am her rock, I am here for her, and she knows it.

Thanks,
Rummi

Hey Rummi,

Good to hear from you.

That emotional rollercoaster is quite a wild ride isn't it? Up one day and then plunging down the next. But just one quick observition based up your posts.

The time interval between these Highs & Lows is gradually getting longer isn't it? This is very normal for where you are in "the process".

It is my belief that the act of infidelity is not what does the greatest damage to the M. It is the lying / covering up afterward that does the greatest damage, To WW and yourself.

With that said: Here are a few things that can help you and your spouse.

1. WW must be totally honest with you about everything
2. WW must answer every question that you ask truthfully and fully.
3. WW must do everything in her power to prove to you that you are the one that WW want to be with.
4. WW must prove her love to you ... She must be patient, gentle, compassionate and understanding.
5. WW must feel your pain.
6. WW must fully understand the devastation that she caused you.
7. WW must accept full responsibility for her actions.
8. WW must stop all contact with OP and not try to protect them.
9. WW must reassure you that it is OK to ask questions.
10. WW must reassure you that she will not drive you away by doing the things that are necessary to heal.
11. WW must recognize when you're struggling or experiencing a trigger and comfort you.
12. WW must be able to tell you how sorry she is and show you.
13. WW must re-enforce to you, that you were not responsible.
14. WW must put her own feelings of guilt and shame aside and help you heal first.
15. WW must reconnect emotionally, mentally, and physically with you and stay connected.
16. WW must work on rebuilding trust. No secrets. No privacy.

Here is a list of things that YOU must do:

1. Give WW the necessary time to prove her love and commitment to you.
2. Be open with your feelings.
3. Ask the questions that are important to you.
4. Don't be afraid that WW will drive you away while you are trying to heal.
5. Stop blaming yourself for WW actions. You is in no way responsible for your WW's choice to engage in an affair!
6. You must be able to let yourself connect with WW. (this one takes time)
7. You must continue checking up on WW in order to let you rebuild trust.
8. You must be willing to seek counseling so that you do not get stuck in one of the stages of recovery: such as anger or depression.

These are just a few of the things that I have thought of off the top of my head. With these things in place, then reconciliation can be successful. It is still a long journey, but with baby steps it can be achieved.

BTW: Don't expect everything to happen at once. This is a process for BOTH of you.

I think that you are doing very well at this point and I am confident that if you BOTH control your frustrations you will get through this and have a much closer / happier marriage.

Stay Strong!

uuummm yea, so I was over at her grandparents this evening. Had dinner, then afterward we are talking and she starts about the divorce again. I said I am not talking about it with her. She said she went and filed today. I will be served early next week.

I guess that's it then. I'll be going over everything I recieve with my lawyer and that will be that. Wow, I really don't understand. No chances. Just the end.

This is the worst emotional pain I have ever felt. I just don't get it.

Confused,
Rummi

Rummi:

Wow! What a difference a couple of days make!

Remember that emotional roller coaster? Sit down, strap in, and Hang on!

IF, and I mean IF, she did file don't change your game plan! Stay in Plan A. IT HAS BEEN WORKING!

One question that you may what to ask yourself is: Where did WW get the $ to file? That may give you a better idea whom your real allies are (Hint: not the ones who enable this kind of behavior).

Her actions may be unexpected but they are not unheard of. This is not over until the final decree is signed and that is months away at this point. She can always drop her petition up until then.

IMHO WW is acting out of guilt and fear. Guilt over what WW did and fear that you will forever hold this over WW.

Keep up with Plan A whenever you see her.

Through your Lawyer you will want to adopt a tuff stance. Don't just give in on this or you WILL regret it later. Seek custody of YOUR son!

If she gives you the "We'll divorce for now. But work on our relationship after". Don't give in to it. It has been used many times by WW's on this board. Any of the poor BS's that gave into this false promise regretted it later.

Stay Strong!

Rummi:

Seems that OM may have shown up.

Check into that if you can.

And it's a really BIG IF, she filed.

She is testing you. If I threaten the filing, what will Rummi do?

1. Walk away?
2. Attack me back
3. File his own Plan D.
4. Tell her *again*: "That you don't do divorce, you are working on saving this M."

And if she believes that #4 is your plan, and your not wavering, you've got a great shot at recovery.

Sunday night, ask her to move home.

LG

Stay strong Rummi!
-JC

I recieved the paperwork yesterday. Went over it and filled out my part. Haven't signed anything yet. This is rough.

Thanks,
Rummi

How goes it, Rummi?

Any new developments?

How are Grandpa / Grandma / MIL taking the news?

Stay Strong!

I do not get this woman. She calls all week long, just to see how I am doing. She wants me to come over, just to hang out. Then we talk last night and she says we have to sign the papers tomorrow. She really doesn't know what she wants.

Her granddad is pushing for her to get off her [censored] and do something, in other words - divorce or go home. He just had another surgery beginning of this week. Artery in heart is fully blocked. He is tired and just wants to make sure she is going to be alright.

She still says she see no other way. But she loves me, and doesn't want to lose me. I asked her to come back home last night, the first time I've asked that in a long time. She didn't say no, but it wasn't a yes either. We are having dinner tonight, so we'll see where it goes from there.

Thanks,
Rummi

Rummi:

BINGO! You got it! Take the reins and lead WW in this sitch. Don't let the wayword lead. They are ruled by their emotions which are in constant flux. Be rock steady, consistant and LEAD WW in the direction YOU want to go. Marital Recovery. WW can't lead so you must.



Excellent, Granddad wants no more waffeling, WW knows that means REAL decision time is fast approaching. Scary unknown or back to loving husbands arms? It's a no brainer for me. I hope she makes the right decision. A good plan A on your part makes it much easier to choose you.



Just a personnel note: My father was the 7th HUMAN to ever have this (Heart bypass) surgury. It was done out at Walter Reed Army / Navy hospital (before Bethesda was built). They flew in a Surgeon from South Africa to teach American surgeons how to do this. This was back in the early 70's.

Boy these procedures have come a long way since then. They are now almost routine.



Very understandable. I hope he encourages her to make the right decision.



Tell WW that you also can see only one way: Marital Recovery. You may be civil but you will NOT be friends if WW ends things this way!

Tell her that you can see a MUCH better marriage going forward, one in which the both of you will EXCLUSIVLY meet each others needs, Growing together throghout the M.

Reassure her that after you have BOTH worked through the issues that lead to the A and the A itself, you will not brow beat her with the A. Her A is NOT a weapon that you can pull out in order to win an arguement! She needs to feel that it really is "safe" to go back to you.




Excellent! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />




A VERY good sign. She likely already wants to... but doesn't feel safe enough yet.



Be careful when dealing with YOUR expectations. It can lead to frustration and LB'ing on your part. Just a warning... watch yourself for this.



Remember... Your in plan A. Don't discuss divorce with WW. Discuss marital recovery is she wants to but do not discuss DV with WW. That's what your attourney is for.


Stay Strong!

Last friday... have lunch together... then go and sign our divorce forms together... yay, what a wonderfull family friday. We were both in complete tears. OMFG does this suck.

It is what she wants. There is no changing her mind, no showing her anything. No going back.

Now it is tuesday and I have gotten at least 2 calls or messages from her each day. She just wants to talk and be friends. She calls yesterday to tell me she got some new movies that she wants me to see. Not watch together though, oh no, that would mean that we might be close again. So she is going to make copies of them.

She calls again last night. Says she needs to find a real job. She can't stay at her grandparents much longer. BUT, she will not come home. Says we just can't live together. Says that things are different now and she doesn't feel the same anymore.

So, I've signed my part, she has signed her part. And she says she is not going to do anything final until January or February. I don't understand why. All she has to do is make the final decision and say go, and it will all be over.

As far as I'm concered, and I have told her this, we are now divorced. You wanted this and I did what you wanted. There is no more friends, no more hanging out, no more notes, calling, and flirting. Time to look forward, and not worry about her.

Here's to new beginnings.
Rummi

Is your Plan B ready?

hahahah, I knew that you were going to say that. Emotionaly, no, I'm not ready for it. But, there is no other way. It is time.

Thanks,
Rummi

I'm sorry to hear your loss.....

At least your mother in law cares enough about you to tell you. My husband told his mother, who lives in Munich, and she supports him in whatever he does. The really painful part is that she only speaks German, and I only speak English, so its not even like I can email her!

I can sympathize with your situation, its like taking one step forward and two steps back. I miss my husband so much that it is a physical ache, but until me makes a decision about letting go of the OW, there is nothing I can do. I just try to keep the lines of communication open. The sad part is his co-workers already knew of the A, and his friends knew too. Most of his friends have sided with me and told him he is an idiot. My friends and family have done the same, and it was really great to know I had so many people who loved me.

I think the key is to envision what you want, and have alot of patience. I don't want to lose my marriage, and it sounds like you don't want to either. But if both people are not willing to work on it, taking a step back saves your heart alot of pain, and makes the other person wonder why you are taking a step back. Food for thought...