CJ-
Yea, alot of people already knew about it. And there is not one person that says she is making the right decisions. But, when they are in the fog, it is hard for them to see beyond themselves.

Your husband does need to let go of the OW. Until my wife stopped contact with OM there was no reasoning with her at all. As soon as it ended there was a really big change. Went through the withdrawal, now in depression.

I have had a lot of patience. And neither one of us wants to lose our marriage. But I am the only one willing to work on it. She has just given up. So it is time to take the step back. I always thought it took a very strong person to hold on, but I finally realize it takes an even stronger person to let go.

On a lighter note.... After I told her that I can't be just friends, that she means so much more than that to me. She has been initiating contact all week long. She has been warming up to me first. She called me early yesterday morning to see if I can watch our son while she looks for a real job.

Last night, Her, our son and I all go to the fair. Have a great night. In the end, we kiss, say we love each other and I go home. Then we start talking on the computer. I asked her to the movies and it looks good.

But again... we have signed the divorce. What is she holding out for, what is she waiting for. She tells me that she does love me and doesn't want to lose me. So all I can ask her is why. That is where I am at now. Tettering on the brink of plan B. I am still hopefull though.

Thanks,
Rummi

Rummi,

I'm in a very similar boat. My problem is that I haven't done as good a job at plan A as you have. She's moving out this weekend, she wants to remain friends, but she's like a dead fish when it comes to emotions though.

I have to refresh on what Plan B is. I've just been faultering around the past few months, and have started a new job, so a lot of energy has been put into that.

My faultering was me realizing I had no control over what was happening, that I could in no way influence the situation. I've changed somewhat, but have seen myself falling back into my old ways.

We were never married, but engaged for 6 years. I want so much to be with her, I love her deeply. She seems losts, and with her it wasn't a OM, it was OW (lesbian). She may not want to come back. I don't see it happening at least.

I wish you well in your endeavor. It sounds like things are turning around for you!!!

Another weekend gone by. Not much happening. Neither one of us called or wrote each other, so we just did our own things.

She called a couple time yesterday though, and we talked late last night. I straight up asked her, why? Why, and why and more why? She couldn't really give an answer. Bunch of I don't knows and this was the only way that she saw things. (everything she said was in the past tense, so she doesn't see it that way anymore)

I asked her why is she waiting until January to finalize anything. She said that she is not sure. That she wants to be 100% sure that this is what she wants to do. She really doesn't want this to happen. She said it, she knows it, but she feels she can't back out now.

I need to make her feel safe with me again. Give her a 100% reason to come back. I do believe that I have been doing things well. I have LB'd a few times, and that is what I am working on with myself. If I can keep everything together and show her what she is going to lose, then I have high hopes.

But not too high of hopes. Because at any moment, at the top of the hill, the rollercoaster can come straight down. Just an update. Talk again later.

Thanks,
Rummi

Good Day. Yesterday was wonderful. Had a halloween party at my son's school. Then took him to a haunted house last night. He was terrified, it was so funny, but he enjoyed himself.

My wife and I were all over each other, emotionaly and physicaly. We had a great time together and are going to the movies (just us, finally) this weekend. Things really are working. I have not been this hopeful in a long time.

Couple questions on plan "B". Is it necessary? Can there be recovery without it? I can see how it can improve the situation even more. But emotionaly it is the hardest thing to do. Also, about holidays coming up.... we are still planning to do things together. How do you plan "B" around holidays.... like last night, when we were all together.

Everything is looking good, but that can change at anytime.
Rummi

Rummi,

A real off the wall question...

Have you ever asked her WHY she is so afraid to recommit to you?

Just a thought... For her.

I hope you are doing well.

How are you going to handle the upcoming holidays?

WTF - Yes, I have asked her what she is afraid of. She is afraid of coming back to the way things were. She is afraid of losing herself and her ability to be her own person.

It's been a busy couple of weeks. Had my birthday last week and our sons is coming up next week. We haven't been spending a whole lot of time together. She has been more withdrawn lately. Still talking a lot on the phone and messages though.

She made dinner for me yesterday and things went well. She is still very defensive. Says that she doesn't want to lead me on by giving more than she is willing. I gave her a rose yesterday and it made her feel uncomfortable. She says the feeling is not the same anymore.

For the holidays, I'm going to do what we always have. Having early dinner with her and her family for thanksgiving. Then late dinner with my family, though she will not come to my families dinner. Most likely the same for christmas.

I am still rebuilding her love and trust for me. I can only fulfill the needs that she will let me. I am continuing to be the best that I can, wether it is returned or not.

Thanks,
Rummi

I feel your pain! I have heard my WH saying the same things, and that he can't bear to look at me for the rest of his life and know how much he hurt me. I don't know that I can offer any advice, but just know you are not alone!!!

Hey Rummi...


How are you doing?

Still thinking about you Rummi...

Let us know how you're doing when you get a chance.

Hello again. I haven't been around much. Work has been keeping me very tied up.

Lets see, where are we at now. We are not anywhere. It is the same situation that it has been. We see each other on friday and sunday for the exchange of our son. Went to dinner and lunch a couple of times throughout the month. Don't call or write each other as much anymore. We were up late last night together.

It is over. She is not coming back. I've been down and depressed the past couple of weeks. There really is nothing I can do to prove to her how I feel. She has given up on our future together. She still loves me with all her heart - her words. But she just doesn't want to be with me anymore.

She says maybe in the future, but not now.

I'll still be around, just been very busy.
Thanks,
Rummi
If you truly love someone, then you have to know when to let them go.

Everything is going to be alright, for better or worse.

We have both been back and forth in different moods the past week. Either affectionate or just a wall of nonemotion. Holidays are a trying time.

We were at lunch yesterday and I asked her about New Years. Last year we had seperate New Years (my biggest mistake). I told her I wanted to spend it with her. I want to make up for last year and start the new year right, how we were supposed to before. I told her to just think about it and let me know. I said that if she said no, then I will walk away and let her be. I see this as my last chance and hope of making it together.

So we went for breakfast and christmas shopping for our son today. Everything was good. We were together having a good time. I plan "A"'d perfect. Both left in good moods. I haven't LB'D in a long time.

The past weeks my counselor has said I need to be ready to plan "B". I need to do it swiftly and soon. I am waiting on her answer for New Years. He says that I have been in "A" for too long (9 months now) and need to move on to myself.

I have been reading more on the divorced/divorcing threads. I see my situation turning in that direction. This is very difficult, but everthing is going to be alright.

Thanks,
Rummi

I think that her New Years Answer is very good timing to start you plan B around.

If she says No. Hand her the letter right there.

If she says Yes. Give her a stellar date, Plan A Overdrive and hand her the letter at the end (unless during the cource of the evening she decides to come home).

WW seems to comfortable with this "new" arrangement. Time to rock the boat.

You DO have your plan ready to implement don't you?

Stay Strong!

WTF-
Exactly what I was thinking too.

I do have every ready. Finances set, custody schedule/transfers set, letter set. Now I just need to get my emotions set. It's hard for me to go 2 days without talking to her. This is going to be harder than Plan A ever was.

That is what friends, family and staying active are for. Keep busy and moving forward with my son.

Thanks,
Rummi

We had lunch today. She is an emotional wreck. Broke down in tears. She gets this way about once a month. It wasn't tears for us, but tears for herself.

She feels bad and sorry for everything. She is tired of living at her grandparents, tired of working, and frustrated that she can't do everything on her own.

I did everything right, comforted her, held her, and kept her calm. We left good, but we always leave like that. We haven't argued, gotten into a fight, or not gotten along in a very long time.

We do get along great while we are together. It's just that emotional closeness that is missing. I can only do what she will let me, and I watch my frustrations when I can't do or receive more.

I told her that I wanted our son on christmas eve, I am really not looking forward to waking up alone that morning. She said that I might be able to stay with her at her grandparents. We always have eve and day over there and I would be there for both anyway, so I just may stay the night there.

Thanks,
Rummi

Good Day.....

She calls me at work yesterday to say hi, and see how I'm doing. We talked for a little bit about not much at all. I told her that I would call her later that night and she said "I know, you always do". I told her fine I won't then. She said I still would anyway.

So I didn't call her. Went out with friends. 11:00, as I was about to go to sleep, she calls me. She was watching something on tv that we always watched together and was thinking of me. She had a bad day, and a headache and said she wished I was there to make her feel better. I told her I would come over, but she said no, it's late and a long drive.

I know I'm not supposed to read into anything she says or does, but ggggrrrrr, that was very frustrating. She loves me, misses me, thinks of me, but still doesn't want to be with me more than she does want to be with me.

I asked her if she had thought about new years, still not sure yet. I am staying with her at her grandparents on christmas eve though. Another great chance for Plan A. I am suprizingly looking forward to Plan B. I would not have answered the phone last night, and would not have conflicted feelings today. I see it as a relief, somewhat.

Thanks,
Rummi

So....

Do we have an answer yet Rummi???

Well.....

Do you have a date with your WW tonight?

Plan B in full effect.....

Events of the past weeks leading up to today......

We haven't been very close and she doesn't show any kind of any emotion. I stayed the night with her at her grandparents on Christmas. Things went very well from my side, but she doesn't want to show anything to lead me on. So on Christmas day when I leave she is very cold toward me the whole day.

I pick up my son the day after Christmas and we spend the rest of the week together, until Sunday. That is the longest that I have been with him since all this has started. He is the greatest thing in my life.

Wife called everyday that I had him, this is also the longest time she has been away from him. By Sunday when I bring him back, she is very depressed. hhhhmmmm 5 days alone, I have had to go through that every single week for 9 months.

So she still won't give me an answer about New Years. Next day, New Years eve, I ask her for the last time. She says "I can't make it what you are asking it to be." I had told her that I wanted this to be our new year, a new start on all our mistakes, a chance to try to be together again. She doesn't want to commit to our family anymore.


She said I could call her at midnight if I wanted. I say good bye, I love you, and give her the letter. I haven't spoken to her since.

I just got home and there is a message from her. I haven't listened to it, just deleted. This is hard, but the past months seem to have been harder. I feel a sense of relief. I am living for my son and me now.

Thanks,
Rummi

Rum,
I feel for you man. I know that when I was in your shoes, I told myself to try everything possable so that if it does end in divorce, at least I could sleep at night knowing that I tried everything.

I have only one question,
What if her message was "I want to come home"? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

You might want to let her know that you inadvertently deleted her message and ask if it was important???

Just a thought.
SH

SH -

I have wondered if I should have listened to it. And I will probably listen to any others that she leaves.

All this year I have done and tried everything I possibly could. I have started this new year knowing that I have really tried, I gave it my all. I am a new and better person because of all of this. I just wish I still had the other half of me to share it with.

I am at work now and I know that I will get a call sometime today from her, either here or at the house tonight. I'm going to let it go to message. Plan B is no contact.

Thanks for reading and for your thoughts.
Rummi