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#1899494 06/27/07 02:49 PM
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Hi,

My fiance told me about 1 1/2 months about she had feelings for another woman. She came home paranoid one day that someone had logged onto our computer with her name, which no one had, so I put a key logger on and found her email id and password.

Low and behold, not only does she have feelings but they've had sex.

We have kids (she has 1, together we have 1).

I'm wondering, if she's leaning towards homosexuallity is it worth it for me to go through plans A and B?

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If you're not married, let alone on the same track in life, I'd say get out of the relationship and run hard away from her. If she cheats on you now, she'll cheat on you in the future.

It's your decision though. If you do feel you must take the child into consideration and attempt reconciliation, we'll help you, but I honestly see little chance you'll be successful. Sorry, just my take on it.

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Gee thanks!

I don't tend to take the troden path, so ...

We've been together for 8 years. This is the first time and to be honest, I don't really think I have a chance due to the lesbian thing. It's just very weird, and I'm hoping that someone that has experienced this will have some input.

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You have my best wishes. I hope you find the specific advice you want and need.

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I dont see how she can lead a happy married life with a man if she is homosexual. It would be like you trying to lead a life with another man, if that isnt what you are, it just isnt.

I'd talk with her and ask her what her orientation is. That would give you a good starting point.

I agree with everyone else though, I wouldnt get married in a situation like it is now.


Me - 26 & Hubby - 27
In Love since 10/99
Married 6/01' - love our 2 sons ages 4 & 6
Problem: Communicating & Making Time for Our Marriage.
Status: Started Recovery June 11, 2007 -Our marriage is happier & stronger then ever - It's been a year and we are SUCCESSFUL!

Completely head over heels in love with my romantic hubby
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OK...if they've been together for eight years, she's likely not homosexual, but bisexual.

I don't think that it matters. We've had other posters before with this exact same kind of situation. You treat it with plan A and B as needed just the exact same way. Just because she's with a woman and not another man doesn't change the emotional dynamics of the situation...or prevent plan A and/or B from working.

Read up on plan A, exposure, the lovebank, emotional needs, etc...all on the "Most Popular Links" sidebar to the right. Start applying those to your situation just as if she was seeing another man.

Since you've been together eight years, and have a child together, I'd say that the situation does tend to work exactly as if you were married. Normally, since you're not married I'd say 'cut and run'...but given an eight year relationship AND a child, I'd say in this case treat it like a marriage.

Owl #1899500 06/27/07 03:45 PM
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I've ordered the SAA book, along with Love Busters and His Needs, Her Needs.

I realize that I may also be looking for what I want to here, but I'm not willing to toss our history out the door. I may have to, but I'm not going down without a fight and I owe it my family. I love them dammit!!!

Isn't that what this is supposed to be about? Loving and caring? How can we just throw people and relationships to the curb? Yes, that's what she's done, but how much thought really goes into it when it first happens. The consequences are not seen. An alcoholic doesn't know they are an alcoholic unless they get help.

Doesn't the fact that I love this woman, allow me to be able to help her either figure things out for herself and allow us both to move on with our lives, or to help her realize that what we have together is more than she will get somewhere else?

I don't know. I just know it's worth trying.

Last edited by Sad_and_A1one; 06/27/07 03:47 PM.
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Part of plan A says to contact her boss. What do you say? How can that put pressure on her? Yes, she does work with this other woman.

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Where can I find the specifics of Plan A?

I know I saw something earlier, but there's a lot of information on this site and I don't remember where it was.

Thanks

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You're not even married yet and she's cheating. NOT a good basis for marriage. Engagement is a time to confirm and plan for the future. IT's an extension of dating. You are not married yet.

I admire you for sticking with it and that is something that a good woman would love to have. I hope that your fiancee' is worth your effort. But if it were me, I'd get out now while you can. And that's coming from a girl who believes in commitment.


Me: 34 FWS: 33
M: 9+ years
kids: 3
A#1:(PA) 8/05- 12/05?
A#2: (P/EA) 2/08/06 - 8.14.06
d-day A#1 7/4/06 A#2 7/9/06
Exposed A to OW's H: 08/11/06
NC: 8.15.06 and in Recovery!
Honeymooning since March 2007.
In love again and it feels GREAT.
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I'll stand with Owl on this one.

I think that it is worth trying to salvage since you alread have a child together.

Here is a post that is shamelessly stole from Pep (THANKS PEP!). I hope it will help you.

************************************************************
The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

********************************************************

Keep posting... We'll help you as best as we can.

Stay Strong!


WTF *** Warning *** Make sure brain is engaged before shifting mouth out of Neutral.
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I have been in your exact shoes... except for the bi-sexual thing. Engaged and child together when she cheated. I want to be real clear here...

Run far, run fast and do not, repeat, do not look back.

medc #1899506 06/27/07 05:44 PM
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Quote:

Run far, run fast and do not, repeat, do not look back




I tend to concur with MEDC.

There is another thread here somewhere where a BS's now wife was/and is having an affair with a woman and I don't think the outlook is too good. Cheating would be hard enough but then add in cheating with a woman and being confused about your sexuality, that's a mental problem and a lot of baggage for a marriage to take on along with what are bound to be regular problems just being in a R with someone anyway.

Can you get custody of your child and keep them from her day to day influence as long as she is "confused" and immoral to top it off? She needs counseling in the worst way. Check her childhood out and I bet you find skeletons.

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Thanks everyone.

I've been told by a lawyer that the courts won't look at the sexuality issues. The fact that my daughter has a 1/2 sister doesn't help. They don't tend to separate siblings. I've started a journal last week and I'm documenting every day.

I asked her tonight to stop seeing the other woman, christ she's told me they are making plans to go to summerfest next week while I'm up north with my daughter.

I know I should take the run far, run fast idea. I just need to get my ducks in a row first. I'll have to get the house on the market, no she's got no part of it (part of R problems ...), then I have to file for custody of my girl. I would love to tell her cousin about this, as she is a very strong catholic and tends to like me. That will just ruin any chance of negotiating with her though. Trust me, this woman can hold a grudge and never see it as her fault. At this point I just want what's best for my daughter.

Any pointers on how to proceed? We are in an arrangement now where we are roommates, she sleeps in another room, yet still uses my master bathroom and shower. I need to hold my line when I draw it. Everytime I want something, like don't use my bathroom, or stop seeing/talking/emailing/texting the other woman, I back down, in the hopes that she'll come back to me. Right now I realize she's living the good life, getting lots of attention at home and with her "friend".

I've been unable to focus for the past few weeks due to all of this. I'm just starting to get on the track to take action.

As for her childhood, yeah, there's problems there, don't know about abuse, it's never come up, but there are some strange people in her family. She had her first daughter the summer after high school, she wasn't even 18 yet. Her dad also died when she was 14. I think she's psychologically stuck at that age. Always demanding things that she wants and crying and pushing until she gets it. I've never been able to say no to her, and make it stick. I guess that's been part of our problems over the years.

I keep thinking that I love her. I guess it's more that I don't want to be alone trying to raise my daughter. We've done so well, one of us picks up where the other one doesn't. I'm more on the discipline side and she's more on the let's go somewhere and do something (library, park, strawberry picking). I can do all that stuff to, just never wanted to be around all the bickering and fighting.

I guess there's too much that needs to be fixed also. God, this sucks so much!!!! Does anybody have a big rock I can crawl under for the next 12 years?

I just have to get my thoughts together.

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Would you all be giving the same "run far, fast" advice if they were married? I fail to see how "a piece of paper" would make a difference in this case. They've been together for 8 years and they have two children who will be impacted by all of this!!

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I've been checking other posts, and I've noticed a lot of similarities. I'm waiting on the SAA book and love busters and hn/hn books. Hope to get them before this weekend. Also consider getting a digital recorder to drop in her car before I head up north with my daughter for the weekend.

Anyone know of a good GPS tracker, I've seen The Stick, don't know how much $$$ it is though.

ps. thx fiat!!

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Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.
Call me a dolt, but how can I do this when she won't open up to me? I'm here for her, I've taken the better part of a month of breaking down, crying and pleading with her. I now know that's just going to push her away. What emotional need can I fill for her right now? How? I'm being nice to her, there have been times when I wasn't, but now it's all nice (really trying hard).

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.
I've been making dinner, doing dishes, offering to do and doing laundry, cleaning, doing yard work. There has to be a point to this, as she seems to be eating it up like she's getting everything I could ever ask for.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.
Not sure what to do here, we've gone over the good things weeks ago, we are past that point. She no longer wishes to discuss things. I have to just start talking, and unless I strike a nerve, she remains fairly quiet.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.
Lost 14 lbs. started walking, now I'm jogging/walking 3 miles, coaching my daughter's t-ball team, being nicer to older daughter (not mine), talking nice and trying to remain calm and reassuring.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.
Have to research more into these, a lot of bad habits here!!!

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.
Wow, this is sure a hard one, especially if she really gets going, then it just feeds into me.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.
Hmmm, I guess coming home at lunch to check on the kids, taking my daughter to t-ball, taking older d. to boy friends house, offering to take older d. shopping tomorrow, cleaning, fixing. Being home on time, being dependable, honest and open. There has to be more ...

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.
Always hopeful here, to the point of obsession almost.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.
Done and done and done. Guess it can't be done enough, but I think she's getting sick of hearing it. She doesn't respond well when offered the same information over and over.

Last edited by Sad_and_A1one; 06/28/07 12:17 AM.
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I can't do this. I've been going through all the emails again and I just can't do this. She doesn't want me, why the ****** would I want her back?

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I feel you pain man...My wife was (maybe still is, but pastor and her best friend swear she is not having any contact, but WW can lie with the best of em) telling OM same thing...They lie a lot..Don't focus on that...I'm trying not to focus on it either...Sorry about your situation...I know what you are going through...Except it being OW in your case...If you focus on what you see, it will eat you alive...For me, God has shown me a lot, and one thing is to have Faith and believe in the UNSEEN. The devil will always make the obstacle look insurmountable (right now, my M looks 50/50, but know what the Lord has shown me), but over that "hill" is your victory...HAVE FAITH...


Romans 8:28-All things work together for good for those that love the Lord and are called according to His purpose.
BH (me) 30 yrs old (Currently in Middle East until August)
WW 32 yrs old
Married 7 yrs
2 beautiful daughters-3 and 4
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Well I sent her this message in the middle of the night. I had asked her before going to bed what she thought of not seeing the OW again. She said, it's not going to happen. She's her best friend.

I love you, but I value my dignity too. I can't tolerate you
knowingly hurting and disrespecting me by contacting OW for very
much longer. There is no lock on the door of our engagement. You can
leave any time. I would not chain you to our relationship.

If you commit I will do all I can to rescue our relationship and be a
great boyfriend, fiance and husband to you. You must do what you think
is right.

Her response: Totally focused on how I know that they are still in contact. Nothing about committing or fixing.
how would you know if Im contacting her...still reading my emails, checking the phone logs? I see her at work and I let you know when I see her outside of there. I don't think that you can tell me who I can and can't speak to.


In order to run the exposure part of plan A, do I need recent activity or will the past known activity do? I've already talked to her about what's in her email. I believe that since they know where I found the info, that they've been laying low there. I guess I need to go with a private dick. Going to get a digital recorder over lunch. Also going to try to talk to her mother and sister tonight. Not sure how well that will work out.

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