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#1899674 06/27/07 07:28 PM
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sjt220 Offline OP
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I'm really glad I found this site, it has helped a lot. Almost 2 months ago, my husband had a one night stand. We were both at a friends B-day party, ashamed to say that we both got a little drunk. One thing led to another. In short, I saw my husbands clothes in the hallway twards the bedrooms area. I heard the distinctive "doggie style" noises, made when two people are doing such things. Sorry trying to keep things clean as much as I can here. And saw him going at it in a threesome. He didn't see me though.I went back to where some of my friends were and tried to remain calm. After a little while,I heard the shower go on and when it turned off I was right there and handed him a towel.

We've both talked about everything,we are still in love, working through things etc. The only part I'm having problems with right now is the flash backs. That sound will pop in my mind as well as the visual and I can't get it out of my head. This occurrance has slowed down quite a bit, thank god, and it usually happens now when things slow down, so I try to keep my mind busy.

I just wish I knew how to get this to stop compleitly. I'm thinking that it will with time, not compleatly, but enough.

Any thoughts, ideas?

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Has this ever happened before? Is you WH sorry and attempting to make things right with you? How long married, kids?

Loni


BW (me)46, XH 46, OW 42 (former friend)
DS26, DD23, DS21, SS17, SS27
EA since 2/04? PA?
He filed for divorce 3/8/06.
OW divorce final 3/10/06.
He left 3/13/06, "to think"
Gave me letter from lawyer on 3/17/06.
Divorce final 9/1/2006.
Happily remarried to new H 6/7/08
Joined: Sep 2003
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Have you discussed the reason he thought it was okay to go at it doggie style with a party guest, and while you were present even? Drinking is not an excuse.

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sjt220 Offline OP
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This has never happened before. He's alwayse been home right after work, we always do things together and are hardly ever apart. He is extreamly sorry and devistated and ashamed about what he did and is really making an effort to make things right again. We've been married for 8 years, been together as a couple for 11 years. We have two sons. We have alwayse gotten along so well and are alwayse having fun together, hardly ever argue but when we do we talk about it and realize it was a missunderstanding on someones part and find out what they really meant and things are ok. Our marriage has always been outstanding, we've alwayse been upfront, truthful, understanding etc. But the last couple of years a few things came up in some of our conversations which I will address in the reply to the next post.

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A couple of things came up in conversations the last couple of years. Several of his friends started doing the swingers thing. It interested him as he was interested in spicing up our sex life wich is already pretty spicy. He wanted to do a threeway with me or just mess around at those parties with each other not including other people. He wanted to get that extra oomph back that we had when we were first dating and as newlyweds. I told him my ideas about it and I didn't want to but he kept bringing it up. One point in time I just got really frusterated with it and said I'm not your mother, you know how I feel about this but I'm not going to stop you if you do, we'll just have to reap the consequenses afterward and man will I be pissed. We discussed it in length. A few months before the party he came up to me on several occasions and said that he honestly didn't think the swinging thing would be good for us. I felt relieved because he came to this conclusion on his own so I felt it was genuine and it wasn't me holding him back.

At the party, the two women whom he had the threesome with, also were swingers. They, even when sober, were very flirtatius and what not with everyone. The two of them twards the end of the night started making out with each other, almost like a scene from a porn flik. They ended up taking it into the bedroom because I didn't feel comfortable with it. The guys were a bit annoyed including my husband and I felt guilty, for some reason, for ruining it for him. We'd agreed to call it a night and he was going to get our stuff and we'd leave.

We talked about a few other things briefly before, I honestly can't remember what, but I remember I was just so frusterated that I said I you want to go have your threesome go right ahead, like we'd discussed before,I'm not going to stop you.
So I do see this as us both having a part in this mistake, I just figured though that he'd rememered those conversations and our decision so I had no worries that he'd actually do it. I figured he went to get our stuff so we could leave and say his good byes.

I'd asked him later why he thought it was ok and he said at the time all he could remember was that a part of a conversation we'd had earlier about me telling him if he wanted to have a threesome to not include me in it cause it wasn't my thing. That was followed by one of our "how I would feel about it" conversations. So he said he felt like I was acutally giving him the go ahead and it was ok. But he also feels like he may have used that as a way to make himself feel ok about it and go and do it like he were taking advantage of the situation, and yet new it was wrong. So he could say, regardless of all the conversations we had, you said it was ok. He says the decision all happened so fast he wasn't sure what he was thinking exactly at that point in time. He also told me while he was doing the deed that it just didn't feel right and it wasn't all cracked up as his buddies said it was. He'd alwayse wanted to have a threesome. He said that if I'd said a definate no that it wouldn't have happened.B He feels really bad for what he did, to say the least. He's broken down emotinally about it several times.

I can't help but feel that we both had a part in this mistake. We've discussed it at length about what happened, how we felt, how to fix things etc. I just wish the flash backs would go away.

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OK... I understand more now. A lot of people think swinging is OK especially if both partners are good with it. I personally think it is a fast way to destroy a relationship. I wonder about his friends and how much they have been feeding this particular fantasy. You might want to distance yourselves from them. They certainly wouldn't be the ones to tell him to go back home to his wife if things get out of hand somewhere.

It sounds like forgiveness and counseling would be in order. Good luck

Loni


BW (me)46, XH 46, OW 42 (former friend)
DS26, DD23, DS21, SS17, SS27
EA since 2/04? PA?
He filed for divorce 3/8/06.
OW divorce final 3/10/06.
He left 3/13/06, "to think"
Gave me letter from lawyer on 3/17/06.
Divorce final 9/1/2006.
Happily remarried to new H 6/7/08
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 4
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sjt220 Offline OP
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Thanks Loni,
He's been having this fantasy since before we met. The two friends who are swingers alwayse talked it up but they had not so great marriages. Even he said afterwards it was all it's cracked up to be, but probably great for them because their marriages weren't the best. We even said this before this inccident happened. He's alwayse known how strongly my feelings are against swinging.

We've worked on the forgivness it's just when those flashback occur I catch myself saying "man, he could actually do that to two other women, he's married, what about our marriage vows don't they ring a bell anymore?" Then the other comment he maid was that the only reason he had sex with the first one was to get to the second person he was more interested in having sex with.

I know I shouldn't have said those words to him now and it was both our mistake. Even though he said he may have taken advantage of that, knowing better but using a different comment I made to validate it and to go ahead with it. I just never though he would or could.I know I couldn't have. What about all of memorable conversations we had on the subject. He also tells me he never wanted to do those sorts of things unless it was with me. Maybe since he knew I'd never do that, under that nights circumstances, he jumped at the chance.

I just felt so confident in our relationship, he never gave me any reason to doubt it only more reasons to have confidence. Regardless of who said what, it's still a shocker to say the least. We are working on things and it gets better with time and plan to go to counseling.

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I understand feeling like you knew him better than you thought. My XH and I had been together since we were teens. He cheated on me after 16 years of marriage and 3 kids... with my friend. I read, I think in "his needs, her needs", that anyone can be capable of an affair. It all falls down to needs being met. The "need" for a threesome is beyond what is expected from any marriage. That is something that he should have just given up on. Instead, I think he dwelled on it, thought about it, fantasized about it. The only step left was to do it. A sure-fire recipe for disaster if you ask me.

Loni


BW (me)46, XH 46, OW 42 (former friend)
DS26, DD23, DS21, SS17, SS27
EA since 2/04? PA?
He filed for divorce 3/8/06.
OW divorce final 3/10/06.
He left 3/13/06, "to think"
Gave me letter from lawyer on 3/17/06.
Divorce final 9/1/2006.
Happily remarried to new H 6/7/08
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 833
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Quote:

OK... I understand more now. A lot of people think swinging is OK especially if both partners are good with it. I personally think it is a fast way to destroy a relationship. I wonder about his friends and how much they have been feeding this particular fantasy. You might want to distance yourselves from them. They certainly wouldn't be the ones to tell him to go back home to his wife if things get out of hand somewhere.




What Loni just Said!!!

I couldn't agree more.


WTF *** Warning *** Make sure brain is engaged before shifting mouth out of Neutral.
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I think swinging can also destroy the relationship. If he truly likes it can he put those feelings aside FOREVER for your sake? Can you ?

If you can forget this and believe it will never happen again then you can start recovery I'd say


Me - 26 & Hubby - 27
In Love since 10/99
Married 6/01' - love our 2 sons ages 4 & 6
Problem: Communicating & Making Time for Our Marriage.
Status: Started Recovery June 11, 2007 -Our marriage is happier & stronger then ever - It's been a year and we are SUCCESSFUL!

Completely head over heels in love with my romantic hubby
Joined: Apr 2005
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I do think there is hope, but there has to be work on both sides. Is he willing to do the work? Is he willing to end some friendships that would destroy your marriage?

Good luck hon. I really am praying for both of you.

Kris


BW (me)46, XH 46, OW 42 (former friend)
DS26, DD23, DS21, SS17, SS27
EA since 2/04? PA?
He filed for divorce 3/8/06.
OW divorce final 3/10/06.
He left 3/13/06, "to think"
Gave me letter from lawyer on 3/17/06.
Divorce final 9/1/2006.
Happily remarried to new H 6/7/08

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