the 9/11 Bombers hated innocent people.

Both of the women that I FEEL HATRED for among others..a natural human emotion..have tried to DESTROY ME...and would if they could today...

I have to hold on to THAT FEELING to PROTECT MYSELF AGAINST THEIR EVIL...

I am a LOVING PERSON..and would not have treated them as they have treated me...

It is EVIDENT if you were to meet me...

Showing LOVE towards my colleague could lead to my DESTRUCTION by her as far as I'm concerned...

She has taken my KINDNESS for WEAKNESS...

I am not here to promote "hate"

I am suggesting that I can accept the fact that .... people feel hate sometimes ...

I have felt hatred
so I would be an [censored] to say that particular emotion (which I have experienced myself) is wrong for others to feel


and, I am certainly not prepared to call it self-hatred

people do feel hatred when dealing with adultery and betrayal and the sense that something of value was unfairly taken from them

not everyone feels that way

but the one's that do feel hate because of betrayal.... ought not be told they are diminished by their emotions

or that they hate themselves

feelings just are

they pass, they always pass

and something so volatile, such as hatred, takes a lot of energy to maintain, so it usually does not stick too long ....

and I think it is important to mention that sometimes "hate" inspires movement away from the painful stimulus, as well as wards off depression !!!!!!

I don't want any betrayed spouse who is in the early months of reeling from the shock and disbelief to read this and therefore feel there is something wrong with them because they feel hatred toward some one trying to destroy their happiness or the safety of their family !

I might suggest they not act on that hatred, other than to protect what is theirs....

"You hate your father because you hate yourself" .... NO ! Wrong message !

or ... "You hate your father, therefore you hate part of yourself."

no, wrong message ....

I actually think that was not your intention, LA, but to the casual reader, it may very well look that way.

I got it, Pep..

I was very careful to say that I FEEL HATE..a normal human emotion, I think..

Agree with you...

I don't think I'm capable of hatred.

But I can think of a few folks that are high on my "dislike" list.

I know - semantics... but to me hatred has no going back. Usually my "dislike" winds up in pity or contempt.

JinGA

That's exactly my point. Short-term hatred is natural and unavoidable, and biology's way of ensuring we stay at a distance from harm. It arises out of intense fear, would you agree?

It usually abates quickly, because it's so expensive to our bodies and minds to maintain. It flares up each time the fear is reactivated, and then subsides.

Long-term low-level hatred is probably also inevitable after a trauma like marital betrayal.

Intense hatred only persists (I'm talking years after betrayal) in the absence of stressors if it's fed and encouraged. The person is working to generate a high level of hatred, probably because there are few other developed coping skills to employ.

I'm not talking about newbies here. Lord knows they feel white-hot hatred and have every reason to come here and scream obscenities and rage and call upon God to visit suppurating sores on the people who've hurt them. I know I did. If they were still doing that every post, six months after d-day - with no sign of a let-up, I'd begin to feel concerned. If every post was filled with venom a year after d-day, I'd have doubts that they were interested in recovery.

When it comes to coping with hatred, I personally have a mountain to climb. I have seventeen years of betrayal, more OPs than H can count, thousands of emails saying hateful things about me between H and multiple women, the knowledge that I lived unknowingly next door to an OW for years, that I was exposed and oblivious to OWs at company functions, not to mention the fact that my own DD was pulled into one of the A situations to her own fury. On top of that, I was deceived by my ILs, and have had to endure the rage and rejection of my own parents - they haven't spoken to me in eighteen months. Wherever I look, I have a magnificent hatred opportunity. If I took advantage of them all, you would probably be able to see the explosion from space. So I have had to do an awful, awful lot of hatred management.


BTW, Pep, in terms of parent-hating, I was talking to a specific person, about a specific situation, that has been part of this board for a long time.

TA

TA:

Were you a part of/aware of our BOLD LOVE discussion?

It's a great book!

I would highly recommend it for you.

What do you recommend for HATRED MANAGEMENT?

JinGA, I agree with you. I have felt such ANGER that I have seen red. But sustained hate is self consuming. WHo does it hurt but the hater. And while there are things that make me mad as he!! I avoid them when I can. I do HATE things or actions. But mostly in an EEEWWW get that away from me kind of way. ANd I am angry when I am stuck in a sitch with ppl that do or say things I cannot abide. Prejudice, Adultery, Abusers, liars, And it is the DEED I hate not the doer. If that makes sense.

I have alwasy thought that the depths of love are matched by the capacity to FEEL anger. Not hate. If you FEEL deeply how can anyone not have moments of intense feelings of other kinds?

FAA,

Something that I think your daughter should read is called "The Four Agreement" by don Miguel Ruiz. I've recommended it a couple of times to different people going through obscene experiences.

Your daughter, in order to avoid being hurt by a hurtful dork-*ss, needs to learn how to love but not be defined by how people "love her" in return. Right now, if she takes an emotional hit when her dork-father breaks promises, she is taking his abuse personally - when really, it's just a selfish jerkowitz forgetting that this is his own flesh, not merely a stbx wife asking him to do something important.

You would also do well to read it NOW before any court hearings, because if you are able to master the four agreements, they will not be able to deliver any provocation that will remove you from serenity.

[color:"red"] priceless !! [/color] <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

My kids both went through a "hate" stage regarding their birth mother...

I was alarmed

I thought it might damage their self-esteem .... AKA hate their own DNA

their therapist told me to stand aside and not criticize their stage or attempt to manage for them their emotional process. She told me that they would move through that stage

they did

it was awful for me to watch
and my inclination was to shield/protect them from their own feelings

but, they had to feel them fully
and then work through it

now, what they feel towards her is closer to indifference mixed with curiosity

I think the book idea is a good one Kayla

Thank you Kayla. I looked at the reviews and I must think that my IC has read this book. It mirrors what DD and I are already working on with her!

Pep, my IC has discuseed this with both me and DD. She told me that I cannot protect her from her father. And his choice to be what he is. That as much as it drives me crazy and I hurt for her, she must work this out herself. I can't step in all the time. Which makes my control issues run rampant. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

That DD is doing the right thing by asking him to explain and by directing her anger and her pain towards him. The IC said that is a more healthy response than internalizing it or feeling that she is to blame or is unworthy of his love.

It is HARD to do. I WANT to ream him a new one! I WANT to casue him a small measure of the pain DD has had to deal with. But I NEED to NOT do that.

I thank God every day for MB and my friends that I have IRL and through MB. I vent and say all the things I WANT to do, to bring that panic and pain and fear under control. SAYING things and ACTING on them are much different, imho.

we mothers especially would love to shield/protect our babies from all hurts ... which is not useful for our children in the long run ... not allowing our children the opportunty to learn how to overcome hurt would leave our children weak and more vulnerable

sucks, don't it ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Yes, Pep it sucks! I know it and still wanna yell "NOT FAIR!!! You cheated!"

But I see how strong my baby girl is and know if nothing else I am dang proud of her and she does me proud! So I musta done something right! lol