Can Lousy Golfer help me, it was suggested from Ace to read his post but I cannot find it, I need a man's point of view as to why this happened. Can read my original under How did we move to Adultery? Thanks so much

I BUMPED LG's thread FOR YOU, LINDYSUE.

It may show you how difficult discovering "why" might be. It is most likely better to focus on the "how of now" and the future for you and your H.

LG has been very willing to post and you've seen how difficult it is to find a FWH here on MB.

Ace

Hi lindy,

I linked LG's thread for you in case it disappears before you find it!


http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post3258903

Lindysue,



You asked me (on Marriedfor30yrs thread) about the alien fog and I happened to see it.

I will change the title of this post but you can change the title of the thread to get more input on the GQII board.

1. Go to your first post and click on "Edit".

2. Put your cursor in the title box and delete your present title 'infidelity'.

3. Then put in the title of the info you want.

That's how you change the title.

4. Then you can change the entire post if you want.

I'm new, too but as I understand "Alien Fog" it is the fantasy that any vulnerable person allows to penetrate his/her core beliefs, tempting them to violate their values, specifically vows of fidelity.

It can be caused by a variety of stimuli, but breaches in one's own marriage makes one or both vulnerable to seek the faux excitement the 'alien' offers through infidelity.

When it takes over, the 'victim who chooses it' becomes another personality....the 'alien' who cheats on his wife (or her husband). It's like an addiction....they can't get enough and that's why they sell their soul for a fix.

***

Hopefully, someone else will explain it further but that's a start.

Did you read my story on my sig line? My Mr. Romance emerged after the fog left. It made an abrupt about face when I shocked my WH by telling him to go live in his truck at the local campground .....and did not change my mind like I did the previous 3 D-Days.

Hope that helps. You'll get more info as others share. If I can find a better explanation, I'll link it for you.

Who else can help Lindysue?

Ace

Thanks for the help and what you say is easier said than done but HAS to be done. Lindy

Well thanks again for the info, I really did not have to give my H any ultimatums, he changed the day I confronted and said make a decision - I just need counseling for myself as to why (some I know based on childhood) I have trouble believing someone loves me, guess infidelity would certainly blow me off some already shaky ground. It is hard to accept that all of a sudden you are "everything" to this man when he was ready to risk being divorced for something he said was nothing at all. Just keep sending me any info that helps, I truly appreciate it. Lindy

Thanks for your help, too, finally feel like I have something in common with someone, none of my close friends have gone through this.

Lindy,

I originally posted this on your thread in the Just found out Section. I meant to post it here, but replied on the other one. Here is a copy of it.

Ace asked me to come to your thread and perhaps offer some insight from the FWS perspective. I'm not sure I have much to offer different than what you may have already read in books. My A was textbook. When I read the books, HNHN and "Not Just Friends", my name could have easily been used in the scenarios.

Specifically why I had an A, I allowed my needs to be met by someone other than my H. I was mad at my H and had a HUGE sense of entitlement.

The "why" questions are sometimes impossible to answer.

I read this on another forum and thought it might be helpful.

"""These elements would need to exist in both partners in order for an A to take place. The elements don't need to exist in a person's personality exclusively. They do need to exist at the time of the A.

1. opportunity
2. poor boundaries
3. a willing partner
4. A desire
5. a willingness to deceive
6. recklessness
7. risk taking
8. potential reward
9. A spouse or SO
10. desperation
11. expectations
12. immediate gratification
13. poor impulse control
14. low self esteem
15. sense of entitlement
16. anticipation
17. lack of self respect
18. lack of integrity
19. self preservation
20. willing to make moral/value compromise
21. missing need(s)
22. disloyalty
23. holding secrets
24. Untrustworthy
25. Self focused"""

I realize the list is long. I would be willing to bet your H fit some, if not all of these, when he was in his A.

LC