Good. I would venture to say her need to see you is guilt over what she is doing. Like you said the book certainly portrays what is going on with the BS. Maybe she is starting to see what she is doing to you, hopefully enough to start to dissipate some fog.

LC

ok W called me last night a hundred times and finaly when I took her call around midnight... she told me she wants to move back in and make it work and that she caled the OM and told him that she is not able to see him or talk to him anymore... she told me OM said she should go back and realy try to make it work... bla ..bla .. bla Om always tring to say the right things.

she was crying to me on the phone and sounded like she realy wanted to work on things... but I told her I just feel numb and I dont know what I feel right now.. yes I do love you and always will... but I am not going to let myself get hurt again.... if she wanted to come home last week I would be all over it with a big smile on my face!... but why am I not smiling now? I told her before if she ever did go see him things would be different and that is what I feel now I think... yes my heart says bring her back and work things out this is what i was fighting for ... for the last 4 months... but why doesnt it feel like I won? I feel like I could just walk away right now and not shed a tear.... but it was only tuesday night I was crying in bed when I though I lost her... how can my feelings change that quick? should I bring her back in the home right away before she changes her mind? or give it some time to see until I come out of this numb stage?

thanx ppl
I will check back after lunch

ok.... W is moving back in tonight ... I though about it all weekend and I know its the right thing to do .... we talked about some of our concerns and mine is that I am afraid of getting hurt again and having her leave and her concern is that she moves back in and nothing changes between us.... and she told me she honestly thinks that everything is still going to be the same... when she talks like that she jus has a poor attidude about everything and it pisses me off... I told her if she moves back in I am not going to be the only one putting forth the efort to fix our M and if she doesnt want to put forth the efort dont come back! she said she wants to try .. but to my it doesnt sound like a possitive "want to try it"... it just sounds like "ya ok lets try it"... but I always found she had that kinda attitude about everything anyway.. maybe thats just her.

thanx for all the support everyone I will keep you posted.

Great news - so you're back to Plan A. How serious is your W about NC, is she willing to be open and transparent? (From your snooping, she has been in recent contact.)

Any chance of the two of you doing marriage counseling?


Well, par for the course would be that you do get hurt some more. Your WW is still in a brain-addled state, and sure to be surly, angry, moody, disrespectful, etc... before all this is over. She may even make further mistakes/contact with OM. How do you want to react should that happen? I think you want to keep your Plan A game face on for a while. She is allegedly concerned nothing will change; you may have a chance to show her you at your best.


Its okay to feel that way (and express it here), but you have to let her feel free/safe to express her true feelings, even doubts about the marriage. She's entitled to her own thoughts, feelings, concerns, and beliefs. You don't have to agree. You don't have to accept all criticism of yourself as valid. But we all have room to be better spouses. And even if you are a model husband, your goal is to help her choose the marriage and heal herself and your family.

Hope her moving back goes well.

- WG

thanx for the reply... yes she seems prety serious about no contact with OM .. as when she told him this I didnt even ask her this time she just did upon herself ... and there is a weddin coming up that she wants to go to and OM is going to be there and she said she will not go cus he is going to be there.

I will still try and keep an open mind when she express her feelings but some times it hurts and I just feel like I had enough... but I cam this far I am sure I can handle the rest of this journey.

thanx everyone.

I'm glad to read your W moved back home.

How are things going?

LC

It does sound like a positive step.

I would heartily recommend that you INSIST on a few things to protect yourself, however.

She MUST agree to MC...of your choice.

She MUST agree (as it appears she has) to NC with OM...FOREVER.

She MUST agree to become completely transparent to you. All cell phone records, email, etc...all out in the open. Explain to her that this is REQUIRED to allow you to rebuild your trust in her. PERIOD. If she cannot do this, you cannot trust her, your marriage will not recover.

She MUST agree to the 15 hours/week recreation time.

You get the idea. Set your boundaries STRONG. Make it clear that you're LETTING her come back, that you're giving HER another chance...you're not begging for her to give you another shot.

Make sense to you?

So how did it go when she moved back in last night? Good luck -- We're pulling for you!

well life sucks again!!! I just dont know anymore!! wife stayed here last night and was supose to bring all her clothes from her mothers house but only brought a change of clothes for the morning and she was distant again and kept to herself didnt want to talk about anything tired of talking. then last night in bed I told her I dont know if I can do this it just hurts to much when I see her like this ... you either want to be here or you dont.

she is back to not knowing if she wants to move in she is off the next 2 days and that is supose to be when she was going to get all her stuff and know she tells me she is not sure..... she says she just feels it is not going to work and everything will go back to the same as it was before... and she doest want to move back in and then move back out again she doesnt want to do that to the kids.

the thing is when i told her last week that I didnt want to see her anymore I just needed some time alone to figure things out ... she was calling me and crying to me on the phone telling me she need to see me... and it felt so good and real.... I told her today i feel like that is what I should do again just to see if she has the same reaction when she knows its over.

she is at work now and not off untill midnight .. I emailed her and asked her if she could leave and come home and see me cus I am not doing realy good right now and i have my boys here and I just cant stop crying... but I am hiding it good from them.... I even broke down at work today and started to cry that never happened to me before... I walked away before anyone seen me.

she is not hiding anything from me I have her eamil password and she dont own a cel phone.
she says she is not up for MC
asked her if we could spend 15 hrs a week together she laughed and said were do we find the time... but also said we could find the time.

she also told me she canoth tell me her true feelings cus I will get upset and call it quits with us.
she said yes she could move back in and just live the life and she says she knows nothing is going to change ... she says she feels like a visitor in her own home now.

LC when she though I was leaving she read some of the book ... but now she says she doest have time to read and it just puts her to sleep if she tries to read a book.

its back to excuse after excuse

I need help ... again

if she is out of contact with OM, then she is going through withdrawal -- and you need to lower your expectations of her interest in the marriage and you.

She is just not gonna get "into" the marriage yet.

Distance yourself and let her get over him for a few weeks.
I'll bet you will start to see a change.
(keep monitoring for no contact tho!)

it just feels like if we put distance between us right now I am right back to were I started 4 moths ago.

ok W just called me from work cus I sent her an email how i feel.... she told me not to be upset that she is just expressing her feelings but she still wants to move forward with me and not OM but she is not sure if moving back in right now is the right thing to do.

she also told me that she wants to go to a wedding in to weeks time OM's sister is getting married she is a friend of her family and she wants to go to see her get married but she said she would not go to all the other funtions that go along with the wedding (reception and stuff)
she is asking me if she can go so i guess theat is a good thing.... do I let her go?... it will be just to go to the church and see her walk down the aisle but OM will be there will I push her away if I tell her she cant even go to a wedding? I already told her she can not got to the reception or the super for the wedding and she agreed.

phuck I hate this life!!

My goodness, for someone who wants no contact with the other man, she sure comes up with a lot of excuses to contact him.

Look at the picture - her marriage is in danger, she is a cheater, but you are willing to forgive her. All of a sudden now it is urgent for her to go to the other man's sister's wedding??????????? And you are buying this hogwash????????

I read only about half of your post, so forgive me if I am missing something.

One thing that struck at me is you need to calm down and stop all the R talk. When you are with her, Plan A and have a good time like you did when you were dating. Make her realize all that she is missing. It seems as if she is reaching out but you need to lay off the R talk, stop being needy, and try to be as upbeat as you can.

I know it is difficult, I have been there, but it seems to me this is your best recourse to combat the OM.

A few weeks of this and I'll bet she is ready to come home.

My 2 cents is she just wants her "fix" by seeing OM, I don't buy she wants to see the bride walk down the aisle. Family friends or not, it only has to do with showing herself off to the OM.

believer and LC... I wasnt buying this one bit and I will tell her she can not go and if she does she knows where I stand although I said that before...lol

grindnfool... I think you are right I do need to lay off the R talk it just makes both our minds go crazy and I will try to plan A it but phuck I am getting tied of this.

this saturday coming up she tells me there is a dance she wants to go to ...all of her work friends are going and no OM will not be there he does not know anyone from her work... so I ask her why havent you asked me to go with you... she said well you dont know anyone from my work... I said I dont care I just want to go with you.... she said well I dont know..... I said why... she said well none of my work friends realy know whats going on with us and it will feel wierd to show up there with you.

I just dont know what to think anymore or what to do.

Exactly how do you plan on telling her she can't go. I had a very big problem with my H "telling" me what I could or couldn't do right after d-day. I felt very bossed around and whenever he told me I had to do something I wanted to do just the opposite. I realize this is very irrational WS thinking, but that is where she is right now.

I hope the MB veterans can suggest the best way to tell her she can't go w/o it backfiring in your face. Right now the potential is high it will.


Nope, I don't buy this one either. All you have to tell them is the 2 of you decided you wanted to go out on a date and thought you would join the fun. There is no reason to tell them anything else. It might actually be good for the 2 of you to go dancing together. Line up a sitter now, so she can't use that as an excuse next. If she tells you she isn't going because you want to go, don't fall for that either. She will come up with one excuse after another over why you can't go.


LC

ya I know it is going to backfire she already told me before she doesnt like me telling her what to do and when I tell her what to do she says she wants to do it anyway... just because I said not to...
but I do not tell her what to do anymore I explain it to her she has a choice to make and I can not stop her from doing anything... and she will have to decide for herself and way the pros and cons herself..

Do not allow her to go to this dance without you. Yes, she will feel wierd with you there most likely because she has been to work-related events with the OM. Her friends may very well wonder who you are. For this reason, and for the other likely reason that the OM may be there, I'm betting she won't go if you insist on going.

How do you tell her not to go? Simple.

First, you cant TELL HER. If you do, like LC said above, she will feel bossed. But you can tell her what is up and what her choices are....of course, no ultimatums!

Something like this:


Or something like that!