ok...wife went to dance without me last night ...even though I told her I would like to go with her... she told me she just wanted a girls night out... I told her she is hurting me again... and I know that you need to have a girls night out now and then but now is not a good time for that.

so this morning i told her I am tired of getting hurt and I am done... I just cant do it anymore... I do not want to lose her but I just hate feeling like this... she told me she doesnt think we can fix things between us.... but she hasnt even tried... she is coming here at 8pm tonight to talk I told her I want an answer ... I told her I am tired of living like this not knowing where I stand and she said she will not go to MC ... she told me she doesnt think we can get the spark and pasion back... I try to convince her it will in time...

I realy feel like I dont have it in me anymore.. I tried everything... why do I continue to let her hurt me... If I let her go I know she will go see OM ... I think thats why I continue to put up with thee bulshit... some of my friends think I am crazy.... but I realy cant let her go I love her too much... so I think I am going to continue to let her hurt me until she leaves me.... life sucks

Are your children staying with you?

yes

So you are watching the kids while she goes running around? YIKES.

Does she have her own money?

no the kids where gone camping the weekend with grandparents.. and yes she has her own money.. i dont uderstand I tell her I dont want her to come back here tonight and she starts to cry... but yet she doesnt want to work on things.

ok ppl tyhanx for all your help but... I am calling it quits now.... W went to the wedding with OM as his date and then went camping with him and his family on monday and tuesday.... last time I seen her was friday and she was crying to me telling me she doesnt know what to do... part of her wants to move on and the other part says she will miss me and she loves me.... I told her there is no coming back if she goes to wedding with OM ... and she chose OM ... I have suck a sick feeling in my stomach.... but I can not take her back and I dfont know if I want her back now... she caused me so much pain and I dont think I care for her the same anymore.... I am not going into plan B ... I just feel she is just not worth it anymore.....

and alot of my friends cant belive that she would do this to me again... say she is back then leave again.

so I am moving on to plan C ... moving on and finding someone new.... I didnt feel like I could before but I feel like I can now.

thanx again for all your suport.

Do you mean plan D...divorcing?

You don't start moving on to find someone else until AFTER you're divorced...right?

I know that you are hurting right now, but you should stay single for a while AFTER you are divorced. Now you need to suck it up for your children. Fight for everything you can including primary custody, the house (if you can still afford to live in it), spousal support, and child support. You need to be there for your kids, regardless of how your marriage works out. That being said, you can pseudo plan B living in the same house. Just don't talk to her. Don't even acknowledge her existence. Schedule fun things for you and the kids to do. Don't invite her. Let her know that you won't be a happy little coparent if she goes through with this.

no not jumping into getting a divorce... and I dont think I need to be divorced in order to date again... I dont want to fight for anything.... I just want the house and she knows that... and I think she is fine with it... but ya thinking about going out on a date with someone... she kinda showed interest in me and it feels good... and I have known this person sence I was a kid.... she knows my whole situation... and she told me she wants to see me but doesnt want to get involved... just because of my situation and she says its not good... but she says she cares for me...

W already asked me if I was seeing herand got realy jealous and started crying ... cus i told her it is none of her business ... that she chose to move on ... and I can do the same if I want.... but I am not seeing her she is just a good friend and spend time together... not alone she is just there in my group of friends.

Do want to know to really screw up an already bad situation - begin dating before you are divorced. Although this may make you feel better for a very short time it will:
1) mess up another person (new OW)
2) mess you up
3) you lose the high moral ground

and

4) you ability to discern quality people is inhibited. How many "rebound" relationships work?

I hear what your saying ... and agree with you on most parts... i just dont understand why get divorced before dating... i dont realy care if I ever get divorced... probly wont get divorced until one of us wants to get married again.

You sound like your WW. Get your head on straight. Two wrongs don't make a right.

I'm not WW ... I realy dont see the point in divorce... maybe ya I should ask her for divorce ..sence she is leaving me .. but raly what does that solve.... it does nothing for me it doesnt make me feel any better .... I dont know realy... asking her for a divorce realy doesnt do anything for me..... but is that what i am supose to do?
I dont know you guys always seem to know the right answers.

Keep fighting for your children. Even if they choose WW's side, at least you have given them a good example. Not everyone can save their marriage, but if you continue to fight the good fight, you will be a better person from the experience. The reason for dating you used is the same rationalizations that your WW is using to justify her affair. I want you to know how wrong that kind of thinking is. If you want your next relationship to succeed, you need to take some time off after the divorce (if it does happen). You want to date because you are ready, not because you are lonely and feel you need someone. That relationship would be bound for failure. Your situation is not hopeless. If you can get custody and get her out of the house, I think you might see a drastic change in your situation. You came here for our advice, and we are giving it to you, no matter how much it hurts.

Let me get this straight...you had a wife going back and forth between you two (which means she still has feelings for you)...and you want to date someone else?

What you should have done was go to Plan B for awhile in order to get your head on straight! MMW, you are a married man. I looked back at some of your posts. Wasnt it you that lectured your wife about morals? Here she is committing adultery...and you want to do the same! And yes...it is the same as your wife's adultery. Married people do not date others, or have sex with others, or become emotionally attached with others. That is called adultery!

You need another woman in your life like you need another hole in your head. Wake up, man! You are going to regret everything you are about to do...just as your wife is going to do the same.

First, think of your OW (and yes, you now have an OW). Is this fair to her? Just as all adulterous reltaionships have a 98% chance of failing, so will yours. If you profess to care about this gal, why would you put her thru this? You talked about your wife being selfish and hurting everyone around her. But then, you do EXACLTLY the same thing!

And then your wife just looks at you...and justifies her own horrid actions.

Be a man. A man with honor. Your wife has no honor right now. Do you want your kids to have two parents that have no honor...that are acting like 17 year olds in heat?

And let's talking about those kids. YOU are their father. Yet, you allow them to continue to be pulled into your wife's lurid, dishonorable mess. You are normalizing bad behavior in your kids' eyes. And then you want to cap it off by doing the same behavior. What in the world are you teaching your kids, MMW? They will learn that everything your wife has done is normal and okay. It is not!

Your wife is a mother. But not a very good one right now. And now you want to be a poor example of a man and a father.

Yes, I am ticked off! I think of kids that arent even my own, that are being drug into this mess because their mother has her head planted in her rectum...and their father is working on doing the same.

Grow up! Get a handle on this. Yes, it sucks. But it is the cards you have been dealt. If you fold, you completely destroy those kids' lives and their futures. They will have no reference point for honorable behavior.

I went thru the same things you are (my wife and I have recovered). But during it, I also had the same feelings you do. I even began talking to someone. And guess what? I got a 2x4 upside my head from all of the vets on here because I deserved it. So, I walked away from that before I made a huge mistake.

Sure, I was alone. Sure I was hurt. And I felt someone else would help fill the void. But it wont happen that way. Just as it wont happen that way with your wife!

My wife said that she started up with the OM because she felt the marriage was over...that she was done with the marriage. Well, the marriage wasnt done with her! Adultery is adultery. You cant just wake up one day and say "well, it is over. I think I will go date." That is wrong, immoral and shows a lack of good character.

Your wife is showing that to your kids. And if you join her in that, you will ratify everything she has done. You will have no room to complain about the pain she has caused because you will have done exactly the same thing! And your kids will take the example set by you two and take it into their marriages. And their marriages and families will suffer because they will not invest in their marriages. They will suffer because they will feel that what their parents did was normal and right.

It is just isnt normal or right!

Get a grip. I believe your marriage is salvagable. Plan B would help this entire situation. It would also prepare you for divorce and beginning a new life, if you so chose that route.

But, you want to go down this path...well, as I said, I feel sorry for your children!

Mortarman,

How should he handle the whole plan B situation when his wife has filed for D, but he can't force her from the house and she won't leave. You are the expert on plan B.

I thought she was out and staying at her mother's house? If she isnt, he will need to possibly force that situation.

There have been people who have Plan B'ed while in the same house, but it is very hard.

Let me know. I didnt see the actual situation concerning them still living together. I hope he is documenting everything and is pursuing full custody of the children.

Of course, if he is committing adultery himself, then it really doesnt matter which parent they go with, does it? The kids will be in a bad siuation either way...with no adequate adult role model.

You can tell he's so beaten down now that he is becoming wayward, talking about finding a job out of the state and dating while married.

I personally think he needs a different lawyer who is going to fight for him more. He needs his wife to start experiencing some consequences for her acions. His wife is verbally abusive, and he should be documenting that to try and force her out.

If he can't get her out, he needs some kind of plan B while living together because he is starting to lose it. He needs plan B for his sanity.

Agreed Jim.

If he wants a worse mess, and to be further beaten down, then he should keep on going down the path he is.

I think he should withdraw from her completely. Concentrate on himself. If she has indeed filed, when is the court date?

MMW,

You stated
Ok, let's start this the right way. Marriage is not just a "civil' ceremony. It is a moral commitment. The 'civil' part is because governments found something else to tax and make a little money off of. Your own morals are what this is about.

But, let's look at this pragmatically. You want to date. I am sure you would want to date a good woman, perhaps someone with a future for you. You would even date your long time friend, right?

Let me ask you what kind of woman dates a married man? Not the type you want to bring home to Mom. Even if you talked your long time friend into dating what you would be doing is bringing her down to your W's level along with yourself. That shows your friend NO RESPECT AT ALL.

If you want out of this relationship and perhaps have another or at least date, you MUST get divorced first or your chance of being with a woman for whom commitment is just a word is very very high. You are already dancing to that tune, how does it feel?

Get the divorce, then date it will allow you to encounter a better class of women AND it show that you have some class as well.

If you date now you are just like your W. And really you have nothing to complain about. Things got tough, she found someone else. Things get tough you run to find someone else. NOT GOOD. Shows bad character, no sense of what commitment is, and makes you a poor choice for the kind of woman you do want in your life.

So you can look at this morally or you can look at it pragmatically (what is best for ME), either way the best path is divorce before dating.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL