I don't know. He was served around Memorial day, and judging from LilSis's thread, the Michigan court system is slow at handling divorce cases.

Whoops, I may have help_with_wife and miss_my_wife mixed up.

Mortarman,

See if you can give help_w_wife some advice as well.

ok... ppl thnax for everything... reading your post realy made me think.. talked to W last night... actualy she slept here... she is out of the house and staying at her moms.... I told her if she is moving on then with Om that i want a divorce... she didnt know what to say... she thought she would have my last name until she married again... we talked some more and cried ... then yes somehow it led to sex.... we are just messed up... and she doesnt want to see outside help... then talking to her today she just keeps giving me reasons why she wants to move on... she just says everything is just "different now"
although she went camping the weekend with out me and my son was crying cus he missed me and wished dad was there with him he is 7.... and W had a break down also... but it still seems to me she wants to move on... I can plan B her but .. I just had enough... why keep fighting for someone when you dont feel loved by them.

I am just tired of everything... and ya I though about it and I am not going to jump into dating someone... its just not right.

MMW,

Good! No dating. I am glad to hear it. I know the temptation...been there. But you will be glad in the end that you took the high road.

On the idea of not fighting for your wife and marriage...I agree with you. At this point, you are spent. Out of energy and have little left to give your wife. That is EXACTLY the reason to go to Plan B. I believe you may not fully understand WHY Plan B works. Here is a short synopsis.

Plan B is for YOU!! It is NOT about saving your marriage. It is NOT about bringing your wife home. Sure...there are residual effects of Plan B on your wife and on the marriage. But, as far as you're concerned...those effects are not your concern.

At this point, you just want off the rollercoaster, right? You have been hurt for far too long and are emotionally spent, right? You find yourself saying "why do I love her and why do I want to be with her? Right?

Those thoughts and feelings are your body's way of protecting you. The pain has gone on for awhile, and your mind is now trying to shut that pain down.

When we had gone to court, and my wife had fully left...and I was in full Plan B, I thought all love for her was gone. I walked around everyday, feeling pretty good (after the first couple weeks of withdrawal). Most days, I didnt even think of my wife. I was beginning to get my life back. And then one day, my wife called me and said she was ready to come home...ready to surrender. The fog had lifted.

But what about me? Did I no longer love her? Was I now not in love with her? Well, a funny thing about the human brain. Mine had not gotten rid of those feelings...it had just locked them away (which is why NC is key in Plan B...to help keep those locked away). And as I talked to my wife about reconciliation, all of those feelings came flooding back in.

But, what if she had never surrendered? Well, I would be divorced now. And because of Plan B, I would have given myself the time to heal, and to get the new direction for myself and my kids together. Life would have been good.

Do you see? Plan B is really needed here. Either before any type of reconciliation...or divorce. It is needed for YOU!

Now, there is residual things that MIGHT help your marriage. Based on your last post, it appears your wife is fully drunk on the OM...but that many or most of her ENs are still being met by you. She is a cake eater! What Plan B does is to force her to get all of her needs met by the OM. And that is IMPOSSIBLE!! It is why 98% of all relationships that start in adultery...come to an end.

So, you are off healing...and moving on with your life. You are having no contact with your wife, except on the business part of kid exchanges, etc (we can help you with that to minimize contact). She can tell from the outside that you are growing stronger and more confident again. In the meantime, she has latched onto the OM...demanding he meet the needs you were. And he is totally incapable of doing so. Added to that, the OM now gets to take on the non-fun parts of a relationship. And all of a sudden, this "soulmate" crap is now becoming a huge hassle. Arguments start happening. Selfish demands start being made. Love busters all over the place.

In the meantime, here is MMW sitting in the family home with the kids...enjoying a Sunday afternoon of football. Sipping on a cold one. No longer on the rollercoaster. Planning his and his kids' futures.

Can you see, MMW? As I said, Plan B is about YOU. There are factors which may help your marriage. But in the end, whether you have a new marriage with your wife, or whether you go on to divorce and find a new life, Plan B is the door you need to go thru in order to have a healthy life either way.

Please think on this!

Well said MM,

MMW listen to the man, he is telling you straight how all of this works. Honor your marriage and yourself by going to plan b, it will ease your transition which ever direction you end up going.

This is not a marriage at all costs sight. It is about giving the marriage the best chance of surviving but even more about relationships and how to handle them. Go to plan B, keep reading learning and asking questions. It will help YOU alot and the next woman in your life is much more likely to be the right woman and you will know how to treat the marriage right.

Listen to MM.

God Bless,

JL

MM I love your post!!! it is so true ... especialy about the emotionaly spent part.. and I am asking myself all those questions... its like your reading my mind... its crazy.... W seen pics of me on facebook with my friends and sees me happy and having a good time... and it seems to bother her... thing is i do have a good time with my friends and my stress seems to go away. and now she is talking to me again like she is thinking of coming back... but like you said I am emotional spent and dont realy know if i have the want anymore to have her come back... so maybe I should just take time for myself right now cus if i do let her come back I dont know if I will have anything to give back in the relationship right now.

MM I love your post should I read it to my W?

MMW,

This is NOT rocket science!! I am saying what you are feeling because I have been there. And I remember a time a few years ago, when Just Learning (and others) told me the same things!! And I went thru that door.

This process allows you to heal. It also allows you to do some soul searching, so you can become the husband that the woman you will call your wife deserves. As I said, so far, the affair has been about your wife. Plan A has been mostly about your wife. Plan B is ENTIRELY about YOU!! It is where you gain control over this. It is where you exit the rollercoaster. It is where you make the decisions again. Remember all of this time, how powerless you have felt? Well, Plan B gives power back to you. You will feel like a new man.

But, as JL said, you have to do this right. This isnt a sabatical. It isnt taking a break. It is standing up, dusting yourself off, and taking the next step for you and your family into the future. It is you making choices again.

Your wife will also have to make choices. She has made poor ones so far. Now, as I said, Plan B is for you...not her. But, the residual effect of Plan B is that she is forced to live with her choices. It isnt a "come home or else" sort of demand. It is a "I have decided not to stay in this situation anymore. The family and I are going to get back to living life again. If you chose to rejoin us, I will be willing to talk about it. But until then, we move on without you."

See? It isnt about her anymore...it is about YOU! And your family, with which you are the head of. You arent going to tell her "do this or else." You are going to tell her what you are doing and why. And then you are going to do it. She doesnt get a choice (unless she makes the choice to come hoem where she belongs and resume her role as your wife). It's not a threat...it isnt trying to manipulate her. It is you making choices and living your life. She is free to join you in that and together building a life. Or, she can continue her poor choices...with shich you will continue making your choices for you and your children.

So, if you are ready for Plan B, you have some work to do. And we will help. There is much to get in place, and to be prepared for. So, let us know if yo uare indeed ready.

And no...do not tell your wife about any of this. It is not her business. You will send her a Plan B letter (PBL) once yo uare ready. It will explain what is needed for her. All other information is for you only. If you want, you can try one more time to get her to talk to Steve Harley. Or get her Dr. Harley's books, especially Surviving an Affair. But, at this point, at probably will all fall on deaf ears.

One point Steve would make to her would be to ask her if the best for her children would be their mother and father together and happy? When most WSs are asked this, they will stammer and try not to answer it. But, when pressed, they will agree that the BEST thing for children is their mother and father happily together. Of course, they dont believe that is possible. But, that is where Steve would show them that there is a plan for them to regain that, if they are willing to try. That they have nothing to lose by trying.

Now, in most cases, it would seem that again falls on deaf ears. But it doesnt. It is a seed that is planted in the WSs foggy mind. So, when they are alone, and in little contact with the kids...and no contact with their spouse...it begins to grow and weigh on them. And that part of your relationship...the OM just has no ability of meeting needs in that area.

I believe it is time. But it is your call.

On your wife fascilating again...I would tell her that it is time that she seeks counseling and that the two of you have MC. I would tell her that she would need to begin talkignto Steve Harley immediately and that you can set up the appointment.

If she balks at this, then she is not serious and is still on the fence. And you will almsot assuredly have to go to Plan B!