To be honest, the past 3-4 months had been so traumatic for me that it is affecting my whole mental and physical being. I have gained like 10 lbs and will cry at the slightest trigger (sometimes I can just cry without even any reason!). I looked into the mirror and I could not recognise me. I took some anti-Ds to stop the acute depression but had to stop due to financial reasons. It was either the anti-Ds or the MC sessions. Cannot afford both. So I chose the latter. So right now, I just want some peace. Peace within myself. I want the internal voice to quiet down so that I can sleep at night, eat normally and tear myself away from WH to go exercise or something. I don't know if this will eventually lead to the disintegration of my M or my H starting another A. I only know that I can't fight anymore or I will really commit the greatest sin of all, taking my own life.
Hey Jcool, talk to your doc about the antiD's, some pharmasecuticals (sp) can help with the financial end of it. Sometimes the Docs even have enough samples they can give you. You sound like you REALLY need something to HELP you. It's very difficult to be able to focus when you're so down and crying all the time...been there done that.

I understand totally about wanting Peace, and sometimes at whatever the cost. I can't deal with anymore. WH doesn't seem to get it. We've had a straight 3 yrs. of very difficult situations with NO relief THEN his EA. Yeah I understand totally!

Personal question, and I understand if you don't want to answer...
Do you have health insurance?
What was the name of the AD's you were taking?
Do you have a good repore with your Doc?
You NEED to tell someone how you are feeling. Do you do that in MC or are you going along with what the counselor and H want?

You are on a cliff with your emotions. PLEASE step back. Looking down into the valley off the cliff 'looks' like there's peace, I don't think it is. I've contemplated the valley too many times. What would that accomplish? I'm not sure the pain would leave you even then. I think not being sure is the ONLY reason I haven't taken the step over.

As down as you are feeling right now, what/who do you love? How would they react if you were to take your life?
Please know that I don't want you to get to the cliff and say what the he$$, goodbye. PLEASE let's see if we can find some help before you seriously get there.

(((JCOOL thoughts and prayers)))

jcool I wanted you to know I'm thinking about you.

Hi mvg,

Thank you so much for keeping me in your prayers and constantly thinking about me. I really appreciate your concern.

I am fighting very hard every single day against the horrible thought. I do have a sister that loves me very much. The only problem is that I cannot confide in her because everytime I do so, she'll asked me to leave my good-for-nothing (in her eyes) WH. She knew of the things that my foggy WH did and she constantly remind me that I am not crazy to think that it is an EA, I am not unreasonable, I am not paranoid. She would have kicked him out on D-day, with or without his confession. I know it is her love for me that made her keep telling me to leave my WH. But sometimes, I just need someone to tell me to hang on.

And since I cannot talk to my WH, I came to this website to vent most of the time. I do realise that I vented without absorbing the advise and comments from the kind hearted people around here. I don't know. Perhaps it's because of my depression that I simply cannot find the strength nor the focus to do what needs to be done. I keep dwelling on the past and get upset and the slightest tiny thing that my WH didn't do 'properly'. I know he is trying his best to show concern and love for me. He is just not ready to change his waywardness or his value systems yet.

I used to take xanax for depression and stilox for sleep. Since I am off the meds, I have trouble sleeping again and had been trying to find other cheaper alternatives such as herbal tea etc. But I know that it is the mind that is most important. I need to solve the problem, not the symptopms. But right now, I may not be as strong as I want to be yet.

I hope you will go to a clinic or see your doc and get some anti-D's. Xanax is not an anti-depressant. The other thing that works good is exercise. Start tripling up on that. It also works faster than anti-D's.

Hi believer, thanks for dropping in. Yes, I forgot. Xanax is a relaxant or something. Think I was taking Lexapro for anti-Ds. They worked great while I was on them, only I had to worry about the costs and the side effects.

I had wanted to work out. But can't seem to find the motivation to do that. It is not healthy, I know.

Force yourself to exercise. Start with 5 minutes and work up to a little more each day. It will make you feel better.

Your counselor isn't doing it the MB way. I guess you know that. But as long as you are going, and he is going too, give it a couple of months and see how things go. If they don't change, then you haven't lost anything. You can always go to Plan B, but can get stronger in the meantime.

Hang in there!

(((((((((((((jcool)))))))))))))

A BIG hug for you. Hang in there!

Glad you checked in Jcool.

Hang in there!

Jcool where are you?

Hi mvg, thanks for checking in on me again. I had a long post. I hope it doesn't put you off reading it. I had a horrible week last week. I'm ashamed to say it is me who cannot seems to control my emotions. While my WH seemingly has moved on with his life, I seems to be hanging on to the past and keeps re-playing the scenes of his confession, our numberous arguments, what ugly words that was exchanged and etc etc. Our argument turned physical last weekend. It started with a very very minor issue. I called him to ask for some opinions and maybe from the hesitant way of me asking, he assumed that I have a hidden agenda and was probing him for information. We soon got into a 'what's your problem again', 'no, it's not me who has a problem, it's you' verbal fight that ended up with me hanging up the phone on him because I do not want to argue at all. That night, we were again giving each other the silent treatment and I again could not help but cry and cry again. He again, ignored me totally and went to bed and fell asleep in 5 minutes (!). How he can managed to do that never ceased to amaze me. I was very very depressed and locked myself in the study room to call the suicidal hotline. He woke up and knocked on my door twice but I didn't answer since I was talking to the counsellor. He gave up and went back to bed again. I went to him after the call and he stirred but did not wake up. I couldn't help but cry again. I know this sounds so lame but I really don't know what else I can do. I did tell myself to pull myself together. Afterall, WHAT did we argued about? I cannot even remember then. But I just felt so hopeless. So I went to the kitchen and took a knife and started cutting myself. I've done this before and it provided some temporary relief somehow. Maybe when the pain was physical, it replaces the emotional ones and I felt less desired to kill myself. Weird, I know. WH walked into the kitchen and saw what I was doing and started getting very irritated and asked me again 'what is wrong with you? what do you want again?'. I told him I just needed him to care more for me. To love me again. Not to ignore me. He started making some sarcarstic comments about if I chose to do what I am doing, of course he is going to ignore me because he finds me totally ridiculous. He was about to say something again but I lose it. I started screaming at him to stop. To stop talking to me like that. Because I have the knife in my hands, he came over to grab the knife and we fought over it for a while. He tried to say something sarcastic again and I screamed again. It was horrible. I never thought I can lose control to such an extent. In the end, he sprained his thumb and I sprained my arm. I told him in tears that if he doesn't love me anymore, just leave. Don't stay with me but ignore me. It is worse and more painful for me.

Luckily we had a MC session the next day. He skipped the last session and wanted to avoid this one as well. But after last night, he went with me, though very unwillingly. In the session, I just sat there and wondered how can our M ever recovered. I've seen sides of him and me that I've never thought existed. He ranted and ranted. He was very angry because he felt that he has tried his best to move on but I keep on hanging on to the past. I refuse to let go. But how can I if he does not show remorse? Or maybe they just don't? Not for a while at least. I felt that he is also focusing on things that I did wrong and chose to ignore the efforts that I did right. He told the counsellor that I made NO improvements at all. I really felt very upset and hopeless to be more exact. Because I had tried so very hard for so many times and yet he sees nothing. Did I really failed so badly?

But what the counsellor did was truly amazing. I don't know how she manages it but she somehow turned the situation around. She got my WH to calm down and me to stop crying. She gave a suggestion. That we would go back and think of all the things that we want to talk about/worked out. If we ultimately cannot come to a compromise, then at least we can say we have tried and not like now, just keep on arguing. That somehow gave us a direction and as we stepped out of the room, my WH gave me a real good hug and said sorry and let's try to work it out. I don't know how this is going to end but I keep telling myself. This is like Plan A again. I worked on improving myself, make myself less and less dependent on him. So that ultimately, if we have to go separate ways, I'll be ready. I hope.

(((JCool))) You are in a bad bad place. I'm so sorry. It does really really sound like you need some AD's at whatever the cost!!!!!
You can't go on hurting yourself. You can't continue to put yourself in a position that your WH will see as no win. You are physically hurting yourself you MUST see a doctor. Don't let this go on. It will not benefit anyone.

In order for me to keep some sanity, I started writing a journal of sorts. How I was feeling, what was going on, and the questions I really needed to have answered.

My WH also had a EA with at least written insuinations of making it physical. He didn't think he did anything wrong either...at first. I'm still not sure he sees what he did as an affair, but more of he hurt me so deeply. I have had hard time dealing with that. If he wouldn't admit it how could we ever get past it and for me to make sure it didn't happen again. Ok fast forward to now, I still don't know exactly what he thinks...affair or not, BUT he is making efforts to make amends and improve our M. I didn't see those efforts either until LA started posting to me. He shows me he loves me by WHAT he does. Small things working to bigger things. I discounted those things because it wasn't what I wanted or how I wanted it...I was wrong! My WH isn't a big emotional talker, but he's now trying. He didn't want to talk about 'the situation' either. LOL well of course not! It reminded him of what he did and how he hurt an innocent bystander.

At first that's all I wanted/needed to talk about. It accomplished some peace of mind but not alot. That's when I started writing. I wrote down the questions I REALLY needed answered. Some he has answered, some not yet maybe never, but I have the bulk of my questions answered.

What I have found to help, when I need to talk about the EA, I make sure I go over what I need to know or just how I feel beforehand, I have my absolute need to know questions prepared. I ask him if we can talk for a SHORT period of time 10-15 mins. I try to stay CALM which is much easier to do when you've thought everything out beforehand. If he starts getting agitated I stop talking, stating we can come back to talk at another time. (works if you get agitated too!). I also anticipate what he might say, that way if it's the worst case scenerio I'm already prepared, it's not such a shock. When he talks you must LISTEN. Don't think, just listen take in EVERYTHING he is saying, watch his body language. Be prepared to stop the converstation BEFORE it gets heated.

(((prayers for you))) Keep us updated! And please go see a doc....if you can't think straight how can you act that way???? You need to get emotionally stable.

Jcool you around?

Jcool just checking to see if you posted again. Please let us know how you are doing!

bump

Prayers to you JCool. I promise you it DOES get better. Try to get some anti-D's somehow. Some docs give out samples.

I hate that you are hurting so much over this. When you are feeling better, you will look back and think what a waste of time all the crying was.

My ex wants to get married again. I told him, thanks, but no thanks.

Hi mvg and believer, thanks for all your prayers and keep looking out for me. It really warms my heart to know that someone out here sincerely cares for me. BIG thank you!

I'm feeling better emotionally. Slightly calmer but still fighting the roller coaster almost on a daily basis.

I wanted to share with you all a story about my tooth but I ran out of time today. Will come back again soon.

Once again, thank you.

I'm glad you checked in I was worried.

Yes - Hang in there. Don't give up a day before the miracle.

Jcool what's going on with you? ((prayers)))

Hi mvg, sorry for not checking in earlier. Had a friend and her whole family staying over in my study room so I practically have no access to my computer for 2 weeks.

So here's my tooth story. I had a tooth that had been bothering my since 10 years ago. My dentist called in my 'haunted tooth'. I've done practically everything I can on it, finally I thought I can end it all by going for a root canal treatment and crowning it. IT was at peace with me for a couple of years. Then pain came back again and this time, I had no choice but to extract it. I have 2 options, either to go for a permanent implant or have a 'false tooth' that hinges on the front and back teeth for support. Of course the implant is a better and more permanent choice but it requires a long time. When I first extracted the tooth, I didn't realise I have to wait for another 2-3 months before I can do the implant. I was frustrated. I depended a lot on this tooth and it was extremely uncomfortable to eat on the other side. So I keep calling the dentist and asked if I could have the implant sooner. No, because my bone needs to grow back after the extraction and bone grows slowly. I could opt for the 2nd option but once something happens to the front and back tooth that the 'false tooth' hinges on, I need to replace it again. So it'll solve my problem temporarily, but not for long. The implant will solve my problem but it just take time...

I realise that this was the exact same situation or rather frustration that I had to go through with my WH. I am extrememly frustrated that I cannot 'fix' the M immediately. I am extremely frustrated that there isn't a button on my WH to press to make him repentent or not in the fog anymore. I keep wanting to do something to make that happened and I think this was why I felt so depressed. There is simply nothing that I can do on my WH. And whatever I did, it seems to worsen the situation. I can only work on myself and wait. Similarly with the tooth. I can cry all I want, complain all I want, kick and scream all I want. The bone simply NEEDS time to heal. Nothing will be able to hasten that. So somehow, after the initial frustration wears off and as I quiet down, I simply waited.

I know a lot of you have been advising me on what to do and what not to do. I have only myself to blame for not following them. I realised that I was too impatient. Many tells me to work on myself, set the boundaries and let him come back to me in his own timing. But I didn't want that. I want to do something to make him come back NOW. I realise that as much as I have to wait for the bone to heal to accept the implant, I really cannot rush for my M's recovery. It really took me a long while to understand that.

So I am calmer now. My WH and I went through our first 2 weeks without any argument (I found out that he was secretly marking his calender on the days that we argued, how sad). Then another 2 weeks passed peacefully. So I am working (hard) on my 3rd peaceful 2 weeks. I hope I keep this up and eventually carry out a good solid plan A.

The only thing that sets me back a little was a movie that I saw yesterday. It's 'The Holiday'. There was one part where Kate Winslet said about recovering from relationships that pierce right to my heart. She said (not exact words) that once you're betrayed, there's this hurt that never seems to go away. No matter how many gyms sessions you go to, how many good books you read (or something to the effect). It's only when someone loves you again that pieces of your soul eventually returns. After I heard it, I was stunned for a while and before I know it, tears was streaming down my face.

Sometimes I looked at my friends who never had to go through the pain of betrayal and I envied them. That their love will remain innocent and their faith about their spouses strong. I think even if my WH and I stayed in this M for the rest of our lives, some things had changed and it's irreversible. I will love him, yes, and I believe he will love me too. But will I have faith that he will not betray me again? Not now. Not for a long time to come. Maybe this is the better way, that we should not trust our spouse anyway. But I am just saddened by the way I had to learn it.