(((Jcool))) I'm so glad you posted. You sound much calmer. Your tooth story is EXACTLY what so many of us BS's try to do. RUSH the process.

Congrats. on moving ahead in a peaceful way with your WH.

Ya know, I have mixed emotions about the whole 'trust' issue. I certainly would have preferred to live in 'happily everafter', but I'm not really sure that's where we're suppose to live. Maybe part of maturing is realizing TRUST is not suppose to be so easily given in the first place and regaining it is a very precious process. So that when we do truly trust our spouses again it's with open eyes that bad things can happen but we're watching for the wolves at our gates.

I'm glad you're doing better. Take care and check in from time to time.

Hi mvg, thanks for staying with me all these while. We both started at about the same time, facing almost the same sets of problems but you've moved so much farther ahead of me. But no worries, I'm not treating it as a competition. In fact, it has been a huge encouragement for me.

I guess I was so close to the edge that it is either to jump or to step back. Jumping is so easy. But I guess some part in me believe all is not lost, yet. So as I step back, I simply refuse to look at the edge again.

Maybe time is really a good medicine. I still get pictures of our arguments flashed across my mind everyday. I still will torture myself by replaying them and HOPING that I had said or done something different. But I was able to cut the 'flash back' to shorter and shorter time and I was able to be less affected by them. My WH is helping too. I asked if I could call him during those times and if he could talk to me to distract me. And he had been doing that without frustration or complaints.

What we haven't managed to do is to sit down and talk all about the A and get it out of our system. He is not ready and I am not ready. I don't think I've reach that stage that I can be calm and not feel hurt talking about it and not react to it. I hope that day will come. But now, like what Mark has described, let me fix one room at one time first. If I start fixing everything, by the time it is done, there will be no one left to stay in the house.

You hang in there too mvg, you're doing GREAT!

"Sometimes I looked at my friends who never had to go through the pain of betrayal and I envied them. That their love will remain innocent and their faith about their spouses strong. I think even if my WH and I stayed in this M for the rest of our lives, some things had changed and it's irreversible. I will love him, yes, and I believe he will love me too."

So true, jcool. Sadly the innocense is gone after an affair. The marriage will never, ever be the same again.

But we here at MB think that it CAN be much better.

jcool, I'm glad you are NOT looking over the edge now. If you ever get to that point again, I certainly hope you'd have the strength to leave your WH instead of harming yourself.

I feel for you on the flash backs. NOT a pretty place to find yourself. For me asking questions helped calm my mind. The not knowing was making it worse. I'm glad you are trying to find inner peace before you discuss that.

I don't know IF I've truly moved ahead of you. I think YOU are doing better by fixing 1 room at a time. I just did it a little differently and not necessarily the MB way. I used alot of the MB info but didn't play by the MB playbook. I can be stubborn like that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I'm so happy that your WH is helping you thru your triggers/flash back issues. Definatley a positive step.

Believer is RIGHT, our M's can be MUCH BETTER than before if both are willing to work together.

Take care and keep us updated on your progress!

Believer, I WANT to believe that you're right. I know that it is pretty much like broken bones, once they're healed, they're actually stronger than before. I certainly HOPED that this is the way my M is going though it is still very difficut to say at this moment.

Mvg, yes, my WH is helping, but for how long I have no idea. I know he is a man with a very short fuse. He will help me for as long as he can stand it. He has stopped our MC now because he said there is no need for it anymore since we stopped arguing. I know if I inisist, he'll probably still go with me, though unwillingly. But I don't know if I insist, will it be a love buster since he is so unhappy about it? I know he still has not come out of the fog yet. He still thinks that I am wrong and that my 'jealousy' has caused him his 'precious' friendship. But he is willing to 'forgive' me and move on. So I should be grateful and move on too. I can tell this is the way he thinks from some of the comments he made. Though when I probed further by asking why he said that, he'll usually clam up and refuse to say anything more because he does not want to get into an argument again.

Though I find myself calmer now, I do find myself feeling like I am standing on thin ice. Any minute the thing is going to crack and I am going to plunge into the deep cold water. It is very unsettling. But if I do anything now, the ice may crack now too. What should I do?? I want to continue the MC but I do not know if I should MADE him come with me.

I would INSIST on marriage counseling. Just let him know that you appreciate all his effort, but desire a much better marriage than you had before, for the both of you.