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How can I tell him how much this hurts me w/o LBing? I mean can I just say "I feel like a knife is twisting in my stomach over this A, would you please pass the salt?" I do have to say that he would find it very annoying for me to switch topics like that though. U can tell him whatever you want but don't expect it to have any beneficial results. R U ok with that? Let us know when you want help that will really help. L.
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Well, it sounds like your bf has a pattern of taking on girlfriends on the side, so I guess my obvious question would be - since you are not married to him, why not find someone who will actually respect you and be faithful to you, instead of continuing with someone who does neither?
AGG
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I do want help that will really help but I am unsure of what to do. Please help me. I have read the Carrot and the Stick, I've read through WAT's guide, I've read BobPure's thread...I don't know what else to do.
It is my understanding that I am supposed to be working on myself but that I am also supposed to tell him when I am hurting. I'm also supposed to meet my H's EN's. And I am supposed to act happy.
What else should I be doing?
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We are married and I want to stay married to him because I love him.
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I know that there are probably quite a few people on here who think I should walk away but I have made the choice to stay. I feel in my heart that it is the right thing to do.
I have been reading MortarMan's Husband's and Wive's Roles and I am taking it to heart. This is my third marriage. My first marriage ended in divorce due to my XH beating me quite often. My second marriage lasted for 26 years until my previous husband's death a few years ago ( we worked hard to make the marriage last). I want this marriage to last, I love my husband but I also believe in the committment that I made to him.
I appreciate all the help I can get.
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Diana... I am sorry about your H's death That must be very hard for you. It seems as though you have had a rough go of things.
I want you to think about something for a minute... and try and read this with an open mind.
How do you think you deceased husband would feel to know that you have wound up with this "man?" Could it be that you have been so hurt, both by the abuse you dealt with and then your H's death that you feel like "this has to work???" See, if I knew I was dying I would want to know that my wife and family were being taken care of by a man that was a refection of the goodness and character that I shared with my wife. Your H must be hurting to see his beloved being taken advantage of by such a scoundrel.
Now can your H change??? Maybe, maybe not. I tend to agree with Mulan take on things here...
but there has to be more than love that is keeping you tied to this man...examine that in yourself so that you can make healthy decisions for your future.... with or without this man.
Just because you took vows does not mean you need to wear an emotional target on your back. There comes a point... and I am not saying you have reached it... that it is important to surround yourself with people that honor not only your life, but your existence as a child of God. Right now, your H is not doing that.
The fact that you have said that your H knows you better than you know yourself indicates to me a woman whose spirit has been broken by a cold and calculating man. All the love in the world is not going to help your M at this point. You need some action on both of your parts.
I would make a point to seek out individual counseling for you... to help you get to a place where you make healthy decisions.
I would also then check to see if your insurance will cover MC and see if one of the Drs that is Harley recommended is available in your area. If not, read all you can here and access the Harleys when you are able to start working towards marital recovery.
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We are married and I want to stay married to him because I love him. Oh, maybe I am confused - didn't you post the following just a few weeks ago?: We are not married, we live together. Or did you just get married recently, despite his cheating on you? I guess I also don't understand this: This is my third marriage. My first marriage ended in divorce due to my XH beating me quite often. My second marriage lasted for 26 years until my previous husband's death a few years ago How does this mesh with this: My bf and I have been together for 11 years.... So your second husband has been dead for more than 11 years? ... He was never faithful before I got in the truck with him....in fact he told me that the only way that he would ever be faithful was if a woman was in the truck with him 24/7.... Since I have left the truck he has continued to see other women and I have turned my head. ...He became involved with a woman 9 months ago and fell in love with her. I am not tryng to nitpick, I am just having a very hard time figuring out the situation you are in. So is it correct that you have been with him for 11 years, he has never been faithful, you knew that but married him in the past few weeks anyway, and now he has a new OW? Is that about right? AGG
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AGG...
Thanks for pointing that stuff out. I went back and read the story and there are many more things that just don't add up to a real story here.
Bye Diana49 and thanks for wasting my time.
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AGG...
Thanks for pointing that stuff out. I went back and read the story and there are many more things that just don't add up to a real story here. Well, I didn't mean to imply that Diana was not being upfront, I just had a very hard time figuring out the situation. It could be just her posting style, I don't know. Hopefully she will clarify for us. AGG
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Well... based on what you said and what I read...it is a pretty easy read for me. Her husband has been dead for only a few years, she calls the man her BF that she has been with for 11 years, she then calls him her H... sorry it doesn't add up.
MEDC
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I have been asking hypothetical questions and if you go back and read my threads you will see that I said that. I have also asked questions for friends that are involved with other truck drivers. If you believe I am lying, ask any questions that you wish and I will answer.
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I know that there are probably quite a few people on here who think I should walk away but I have made the choice to stay. I feel in my heart that it is the right thing to do. Sounds like you need to read this verse, Diana: He that trusteth in his own heart is a fool: but whoso walketh wisely, he shall be delivered. Proverbs 28:26 <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Boy howdy, was he ever right about that, huh? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Diana, you are old enough to know that you can't change a man. Marriage Builders principles are for MARITAL RECOVERY, not for the purposes of manipulating someone into changing into your ideal. Your H is what he is. If you can live with a professed serial cheater who is NOT marriage material, then don't complain when he cheats and learn to live with it. But if you prefer your men to be faithful, accept that he is not the dude for you and have the balls to move on. But, don't deceive yourself into thinking you can change him. That is teenage girl foolishness.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I have been asking hypothetical questions and if you go back and read my threads you will see that I said that. Oh boy, so you are playing games with us... OK, here is your very first post here: My bf and I have been together for 11 years. He is an OTR driver and I was in the truck with him for the first 7 years that we were together. I love him but I hated being in that truck, I finally got out of it 4 years ago. Since leaving the truck our lives have drifted apart. He was never faithful before I got in the truck with him....in fact he told me that the only way that he would ever be faithful was if a woman was in the truck with him 24/7....that was one of the reasons I went into the truck. Since I have left the truck he has continued to see other women and I have turned my head.
He became involved with a woman 9 months ago and fell in love with her. This hurt me more than anything else. On New Year's day this year I told him that I had enough....hoping he would realize how much he was hurting me and change his ways. He spent New Year's and the following 2 weeks with her. All he heard was that it was over and he thought that was what I wanted. His mail still comes to my house because we were practically living together. I opened his credit card statement at the end of Feb and found that he had spent Valentine's day with this woman and had spent almost $1600 on her and had spent 3 weeks with her....buying her intimate wear, taking her to dinner, paying for hotel rooms, evenings out, etc. When I found this...I blew up because he had started talking to me again being all lovey dovey while he was still seeing her.
He came and saw me the following week. Told me that he loved me, he would make arrangements to see me every 2 weeks, spend holidays and vacations with me, would not pursue other women. The only thing is that I have since found out that he did this because the other woman told him he was messing up with me because she felt like he still had feelings for me. He has also continued to see her but is hiding it from me. I've heard through friends that he loved her and had even talked about making a life with her.
My question is...do you really think he will change...can I save this relationship? What can I do...I dearly love this man and I am willing to do whatever I need to do to make it work. I don't see any reference to anything being hypothetical. Could you please explain which part is hypothetical and which is real? You are really confusing everyone now. AGG
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The other questions I asked were for friends of mine who are involved with other truck drivers. I also asked a few hypothetical questions and said that upfront on those threads.
I married my first husband when I was 18 and we divorced the following year after all the abuse I suffered. I then married my deceased husband and we were together for 26 years until his death from colon cancer(we had 5 children during our marriage and 4 of them are still home D18, D17, S13, S11). I met my current husband a few months after my husband died and less than a year later we were married.
This is not a hypothetical situation and this is not for a friend. This is very real and so is the pain. I need help and I hope some of you will help me.
My friends came to me when they needed help as I tend to do a lot of internet research and I stumbled onto MB in the process. At the same time I was trying to help them, I also realized that my own M was in trouble but I didn't know what was wrong. I thought it wouldn't hurt to try and apply some of the concepts to my own marriage but it obviously hasn't helped yet either. Either that or I'm doing it wrong.
Again, I really do need the help and I would appreciate any that I can get.
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I suspect Miss Diana is pulling our leg. Here is her post from March 15, 2007 My bf and I have been together for 11 years. He is an OTR driver and I was in the truck with him for the first 7 years that we were together. I love him but I hated being in that truck, I finally got out of it 4 years ago. Since leaving the truck our lives have drifted apart. He was never faithful before I got in the truck with him....in fact he told me that the only way that he would ever be faithful was if a woman was in the truck with him 24/7....that was one of the reasons I went into the truck. Since I have left the truck he has continued to see other women and I have turned my head.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I told you that I was trying to help friends, I realize that I went about it the wrong way and I am sorry.
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I told you that I was trying to help friends, I realize that I went about it the wrong way and I am sorry. Then you would have no reason to lie about it, but you did. I am not interested in helping a liar.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I cannot control what you do. All I can do is ask for help that I need. These are the only two postings that I made that I did not identify them as being for my friend (these are identical postings but they were posted in teo different areas of the forums). All other postings have been properly identified. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post3203060 (pre-marriage and the early years) http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post3205491 (Just Found Out) I would appreciate some help with my M. If not from you, then maybe somebody else may help me apply the concepts to my M. Otherwise I will just keep trying to glean the information I need from other postings. I would much prefer help from the pros on here though..such as yourself, Melody, Mimi, Orchid and others.
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