Can you all tell me what I did wrong? Just a quick recap - I was in Plan A for 5 1/2 months, actually thought we were in recovery, but found out that was not the case. So after the 5 1/2 months, WH said for the second time it was over, so he agreed to send the NC letter. I've waited over two weeks for him to do so, but he hasn't. Since his job still involves travel, I overnighted my Plan B letter to him at his hotel last week. Well, he called me and blasted me big time. Saying that he thought everything was fine, how could I do a rotten thing like suprise him with a letter the day after he talked with me and we had a normal conversation, this letter was the most low down thing anyone has ever done blahblahblah.

I borrowed one of the letters from this site - apologizing for my part, saying that I loved him and would be willing to do anything, wanted to protect my love, set the condition - that he must quit the travel job and come home, and that I couldn't be with him if he refused to sever the relationship with OW.

Anyway, he went into the whole thing about how it was a Dear John letter, how I've made up my mind, I don't really love him or I wouldn't have done it, do what I want - he doesn't need anybody, etc. He totally misread it (or pretended to) and turned around everything to blame it on me.

He said that he told me th A was over and I should believe him. Made me feel like a heel. Then he said that he wanted us to stay married and that I should travel with him. It's basically unrealistic since I have a business and we have a house etc., but at that point I was feeling like this was all my fault so I said that I would try a couple of days a week. As it turns out, he was going on an assignment about 2 hours from home, so I packed and went down.

When I got there, it was the same treatment I always get. He always says he loves me on the phone, but in person he won't say it, won't look me straight in the eye, shows no affection, and basically acts like he just doesn't want me there. Anyway, while I was there, the OW called his cell, he didn't answer, and at first he tried to pretend it was our daughter, but then said it was her. I was very upset, so again he begins to bring up the letter, how I don't love him etc - turning this all into my fault. He said that he couldn't control if she calls or not and that I should believe that its over. I got so upset that I packed and left and came back home last night.

I know that blowing up was probably the wrong thing, but he told me once before that it was over, and 5 months later I find that it wasn't.

He was also furious that I called and told his brother (lives in another state and they don't talk much). His brother called and let him have it, and he is furious about it. Said that what happens between us is our business, no one elses.

Anyway, I called him this morning basically to say that I meant what I said in my letter, and that he had to commit to this marriage or it wouldn't work. Again, he attacked me with big guns. He said that I made a big mistake by leaving last night, started again on the letter and how he was still mad, he won't quit because we have bills to pay, I made the decision, so that's fine, he accused me of hiding money and threatened to have an investigator look into it, brought up all kinds of things in the past from even 30 years ago (we've been married 34), basically said that I've mistreated him for 34 years and he is sick of it, and tons of other stuff that hurt me. Anything that I said was turned around and used against me. Things came up that have never come up before - things that I wouldn't even think were significant. When we hung up, I got so depressed that I've cried all day. I'm now wondering what I've done. I feel like I've blown any chance for recovery, and I'm sinking into this deep depression. What did I do wrong??? Please help me. Sorry if this is hard to read, I'm just still so upset over this.

what did you do wrong?

you talked to him after you delivered the letter.

Plan B means you go DARK immediately.

Stop talking to him. The affair is still on and he's just unloaded on you with all his excuses.

It's crap.

Did you set up an intermediary?

It's not really about you doing anything wrong. He's still in an affair and acting like a typical wayward spouse. The redirect of blame, the anger, the avoiding of sending the NC letter... and of course, if she's calling him and he's trying to hide it, what else do you need to know? He's 100% active in this affair, and just trying to hide it from you.

WS's are very good at making you think that you are paranoid. They blame you for snooping, tell you your crazy when you have proof, and lie to your face. You just need to believe in what you see and not in what he says.

Ignore his words and anger, it's all part of him being a WS. If this were a real plan B letter, he never would have been able to contact you the moment he first receied it (if I understand plan B correctly).

The experienced members here will give you more advice. That's just my thoughts.

Plan B means NO CONTACT. Why did you talk to him? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Plan B=NO CONTACT

I know that there is supposed to be no contact, but I don't have anyone to be an intermediary. He called my work, and I don't have caller ID. I own a retail store, so I can't ignore the phone, otherwise I would not have answered. I probably should have hung up, but was too taken by surprise at the reaction. Then when my extreme guilt set in, I began to question whether I had done the right thing in sending the letter, so I felt that I had to try again. silly me....

I'm losing self confidence and feeling like a low life. Not sure why this is happening because this isn't like me. I picked up AD today, so maybe that will help me to start thinking more clearly.

You all are right - No contact. period. I need to find an intermediary I guess.

Thats the girl! Don't answer the phone at work anymore and line up an intermediary ASAP. The intermediary will be your SPAM FILTER who will only pass on ESSENTIAL information. Most especially, she must not pass on any fogbabble or any information ABOUT him.

You can call the phone company and have caller ID put on your phone usually the same day.

Thanks ML. Up to this point, he has always said that he loves me, wants to work on the marriage, does not want a divorce etc. He's really never used the babble that I read others have used (never loved you etc). I think that I was really thrown off balance by the sudden change. It made me question myself.

KG, he sounds just like a babbling wayward to me. He talks a big talk but never backs it up with action. That is the hallmark of a WS. He says alot of crap, but unless it is backed up by action, it is meaningless.

He said that he told me th A was over and I should believe him"

Obviously the affair is NOT over or the OW wouldn't be calling him, and he wouldn't be pretending it was someone else.

He would like to blame everything on you, and is purposely "misreading" your Plan B letter.

Enforce no contact by blocking his phone. It's a simple service you can subscribe to.

I know that people can be blocked from all sizes and sorts of companies because I work for such a company with over 500 employees; one customer got extremely abusive even after her refund was processed; she left vile messages on my voice mail which I forwarded to a VP - voila! She was instantly banned from being able to call from her work, her cell or her home. Her email was also blocked. The FCC states that NO ONE - no place of business and no person has to endure such abuse. Neither do you... unless you are addicted to drama and just can't stop finding out the next vile thing he has to say, and allow your love bank to continue draining.

Knitgirl

Plan B hasn't backfired at all. You didn;t effect it.

How can plan B work if you don't have plans in plac eto avoid any contact with your WH until he commits to NC an rebuilding your M ?

What were you thinking sending a plan B letter without any plan to avoid contact with WH ? What does plan B mean to you if not "no contact" ? Was this a gesture to shock your H into contrition ?

Gestures do not work on WS. Coolly arrange an intermediary, and lock down a dark plan B. This way you can protect yourself from the chaos WH brings to you each day and can hopefully protect the amount of love you still retain for him.

All blessings

he has always said that he loves me,

wants to work on the marriage,

He's really never used the babble that I read others have used (never loved you etc).

Is this truly not babble right here allll along...

all along,...
he SAYS he wants to work
he SAYS he loves you...

yet he did NO work...false endings...false recoveries

and he engaged in no loving actions...

no affection no caring not when you are together...

so his words were empty actionless things all along...

there was no sudden in change in him...

what there was...was change in you...

in your letter you claimed your boundary and stength...

you told him to do whatever he chooses...and you would no longer be there
waiting
believing
and
clinging to his empty words....which he knows dayum well were meaningless and empty...
BUT
they kept you where he wanted you....

always ready to take him in and back...

his actions have yet to be those of a MARRIED man...

so there is nothing new....

he's just pissed that you don't want to play with him anymore....

say kindly and politely....I am sorry I have to go...

and then get a new phone number for the business...

ARK

Thanks all. I screwed it up. Should have been more prepared. I thought that I was ready for that step, but maybe I wasn't in the right place emotionally. SAA says Plan A until you just can't do it anymore, which is where I was in the process. I was beginning to hate him, so I thought it was time for the next step.

I still think that I'm ready. I just need to put more procedures in place to ensure that I can avoid any contact.

The others are right. The affair is not over. You can tell by the way he treats you, the look in his eyes, the tone of his voice, and the fact that the No Contact letter was not sent.
I would re-send the Plan B letter, with a postit note saying "Do not contact me until you do the right thing."

(Or something to that effect.)

And then, go dark. Even if you don't yet have an intermediary, you can do this. Just hang up the phone if he manages to bypass caller ID or call blocking. Block emails from him or simply delete them without opening. Return snail mail with "return to sender - refused" written on the envelope. And do not accept messages or notes from him through anyone who is NOT your designated Spam Filter.

Good luck.

And get some confidence!!!

You must know that you are right.
And he is wrong.

You know that, correct?????

So, until he is going to join you on the side of doing right -- you have NO CONTACT with him.

And he will come to you CONTRITELY, REMORSEFUL, and REPENTANT. No way do you have to put up with blame, anger, and justifications.

NO!

all talk no action.......hmmmmmmmmm?

KG..know your worth.Understand your values.

You are far more that you think.
Even your WH knows this...

call it his panic mode...his "i might be losing my control of wifey" mode.

Stand for what you believe in.

all talk?.......no action........hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm?

you see KG if he cant talk to you to try and convine you that what he is doing is justified....then he has to face himself.

let him direct his anger at himself.......its only a matter of time.

You all gave me the confidence I need. I was really doubting myself. They have a way of making you feel guilty and accepting the blame for it all.

I think the biggest problem is that you feel like you are completely throwing them into the waiting arms of the OP. In my case, she's single so its a little scary.